LEXX: Crazy Captions Competition – Season 2 (2000)

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LEXX
CRAZY CAPTIONS

SEASON TWO (2000)

The contest closed on August 1st 2000
The creator of LEXX, Paul Donovan (Producer of LEXX)
chose not one but THREE winners.
And gave special consideration to 8 others.

The winning entries are:

      Stan and Zev in Terminal    

 “Don’t worry. I’m a doctor.”
(with insincere apologies
to Doc Rainbow)

Pamela Wallbridge

      Gubby in Patches in the Sky      “Must… make… voices..
..in.. head.. STOP!!!!”

Kathy

       Veggies in Woz    “Hey baby… nice Stamen!”

Rus McLaughlin

They received one of 2 autographed scripts of the winner’s choosing, and a key from Luvliner (remember the penis-shaped key?).

The eight other finalists (that Paul wanted to give a special mention to) are:

Caption 1 I sure miss a good dump –dgk
Caption 2 My nausea’s gone –redguy
Caption 4 I can see right up your nose —Tribs and Spike
Caption 5 No tongues! NO TONGUES!! –Black Cloud
Caption 7 We’re a little teapot –dgk
Caption 8 Just try and prove it. Drooling in my sleep! –David Barclay
Caption 10 Kai’s audition for “Cats” –Redguy
Caption 11 Lexx, secrete me some mouthwash. Now! –Tribs

1
Mantrid

“That was one bad curry”
David Barclay


“Every time I order a lemonade, I always swallow the lemon slice, every time!”
94BScotcher-Lane

“I hate it when mummy gives me cod liver oil!”
Kaisfem

“Mmm…I sure do miss a good dump.”
dgk

“Lower, lower…Ooo, yeah…Right there!”
MissJean

“Mr. Potato-Head always dreamed of destroying the universe”
Tribs

“Sniff, sniff…damn onions…sniff…”
redguy

“Where is your bathroom?”
Kathy

“Sssh! He’s attempting to channel Lex Gigeroff. ”
BlackCloud

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your psychic will simply amaze you. Call 1-900-MANTRID-TELLSALL to reveal the future of your love life, financial situations…..Let’s watch now as the master enters a trance to communicate with spirits from the netherworld. ”
Ursula

“Conan not convinced tantric sex good.”
Rus McLaughlin

“I’m not pouting! ”
Jordan Richie

“All right, who cut the cheese?”
Michael Moon

“Now Mantrid your sad!..a sad lost little puppy..C’mon yeah thats it!…Now give us more pout!… POUTY baby! Yeah really sell it!”
Gingitsune

“Come on, who’s next for the MTV wierd face competition? You, yes,you with the pickle-jar… Eiiiiwwww…that’s good!”
Rustam/Amanda

“Klingon Gack? Hmmm…*munch munch* AcKK!!!!”
Rustam/Amanda

…only the dead do not poo.”
Mashy

“Naaah… How do they knot these cherry petioles?!?”
Olga

2
Lyekka and Xev in 'Terminal'

“Theres some on me and here and over there, geez this is gonna take forever to clean ”
David Barclay

“Wow Kai, I didn’t think you had THAT MUCH protoblood left”
Glen Pendlebury

“790, didn’t you say “Breast were made from custard pies.”
dgk

“I haven’t seen a mess this big since the exorcist!”
Kaisfem

“And that was the last time Xev went drinking with Sally.”
Tribs

“now, you see Stan, that’s why i prefer women, their not as messy as men when they get excited”
94BScotcher-Lane

“Hey! My Nausea’s gone!”
redguy

“I don’t mind cleaning up after Kai, but this is to much! Find yourselves another maid, I QUIT!!!!!!!”
Kathy

“I told you that baby doesn’t like creamed corn! ”
Jordan Richie

“Did you want a cherry with that? ”
DuneNova

Winner of the Primordial Ooze Wrestling competition….. Xev!
Group shower!
Mary

Stanley: “Lick the bowl? Forget the bowl! I wanna lick her!”
BlackCloud

“It’s my special recipe – Zev a la ewwww!”
MissJean

“And the winner of this year’s Wretchfest Maximus Pagent is…….XEV!!!! There she is, Miss Gooey Universe!!! ”
Ursula

“I’m sorry, Xev… that last astronaught just didn’t go down right.”
Rus McLaughlin

“790….you really DO make one hell of a blender…..”
Gingitsune

“You realize that I’m never gonna be able to show my face here again.”
Michael Moon

“Stanley, my gift is covered in Vanilla Rice Pudding! And I made it myself!”
Rustam/Amanda

Lyekka: “I’m honored to win prize of the National Academy of Cooking. Thanks the Beans, thank you Moss, Bush and Bando: I could not do it without your help”
Mashy

3
Stan and Zev in Terminal

“Excuse me human, where can i get a pair of those slippers ”
David Barclay

“Do you still want me Stan?”
Glen Pendlebury

“Are you sure you’re love slave 332?”
94BScotcher-Lane

“Zev, why does this always happen when I dream about you?”
dgk

Zev:”What are you looking at?!! I’m very hormonal right now!”
Kaisfem

“Stanley, I find *your* new look surprisingly attractive – in a snackfest kind of way.”
MissJean

“Suddenly, Stan got a trouser-snake inferiority complex.”
Tribs

“What do we do if the bait eats the catch?”
redguy

“WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
Kathy

“Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise it’ll only sting a little. ”
DuneNova

790: “Menage a trois! Yes! Eat Stanley! Then, eat ME my luscious, luuuuv lizard!”
BlackCloud

“Aha Stanley, my head is bigger than yours. ”
Ursula

“and today’s show was bought to you by the letter S”
Claire Williams

Too late, Ahmed realized snake charming wasn’t the career for him.
Rus McLaughlin

“Sorry. Is this the Men in Black set? ”
Jordan Richie

“Delicious Zev…I’ll love you in any condition…Even the one that makes you look like a giant man-eatting stick of Turkey Jerky…”
Gingitsune

“Stan? Tell me the truth. Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Michael Moon

“S is for Stanley! Stanley’s what I like to eat! Bite his little head off, nibble on his smelly feet!”
Rustam/Amanda

“Don’t worry. I’m a doctor.” (with insincere apologies to Doc Rainbow)
Pamela Wallbridge

Stanley: “Oh my is THIS a worm?!?! I promise I will never drink so much at fishing again!”
Mashy

The hypnosis. (personages: snake, rabbit and stone)
Olga

4
Lyekka nad Lomia in Twilight

“What kind of a question is ‘am i into new things’ anyway? ”
David Barclay

Yes alright, just get the hell off of my hand first
94BScotcher-Lane

“You’re way more fun than those zombies Lyekka.”
dgk

“Now, when we’re talking about little wet furry animals, we *are* talking beavers, right? Right?”
MissJean

“I can see right up your nose.” (With apologies to Spike Milligan)
Tribs

“Have you seen my cat Fluffy? She was here a minute ago.”
Kathy

“Yes, wet and wild and,…is that a fork in your hand?”
BlackCloud

“I hate to tell you this Lyekka, but that new fragrance you’re wearing wreaks bigtime. ”
Ursula

“…but will you respect me in the morning?”
Rus McLaughlin

“You are a man right? ”
Jordan Richie

“..Ughn…jesus what DID you have for lunch?…Two words…Breath Mints BREATH MINTS!”
Gingitsune

“Cloned from the DNA of Winona Ryder, she was doomed to obscurity in a series of lesbian porn flicks.”
Michael Moon

“I’ve got Vanilla Swiss Almond Ice-cream in the freezer…Let’s experiment!”
Rustam/Amanda

“Sadly,this episode of “the Howard Stern Show” was never aired;for obvious reasons.
redguy

5
Stan and 791 in '791'

“Yes 790, your right nostril is very nice. Now, can I go? ”
94BScotcher-Lane

“Go ahead punk, make my day!”
Kaisfem

Ok Ok, you win the staring contest.”
dgk

“Listen, Tweedle, these dance lessons had better pay off!”
MissJean

“Did you have garlic for dinner?”
Tribs

“Dang! How long was THAT up my nose!”
redguy

“I’m evil Tweedle, your good Tweedle. You’re a goodie goodie twoshoes. GOODIE GOODIE TWOSHOES!” (apologies to Army of Darkness)
Jordan Richie

“NOOGIES!….C’mon…Say uncle Stan! Say UNCLE! ”
Gingitsune

“I’m tellin’ ya, Stan, there’s something in your eye.”
Michael Moon

“What’s that, a zit?! Can I pop it, huh, Stan? Puleeezzz?”
Rustam/Amanda

“You have the most beautiful eyes.”
Kathy

“No tongues! NO TONGUES!”
BlackCloud

“Well, Tweedle, I hope your happy. I told you Superglue sticks to anything. ”
Ursula

“Good news, Tweedle. It looks malignant.”
Rus McLaughlin

6
Gubby in Patches in the Sky

“Note to self, turn electricity off first, must remember to turn electricity off first!!! ”
David Barclay

“These newfangled sex therapies! I shoulda stuck with viagra!”
Kaisfem

“Ah, now I remember why I failed as an electrician.”
dgk

HIS DIVINE SHADOW’S HOME GYM: No pain…you die!
MissJean

His mummy always told him not to chew aluminium foil
Tribs

“…. hell Doris turn it of, turn it off.”
94BScotcher-Lane

“Teacher,I don’t think I connected the right wires!”
redguy

“Must….make….voices….in….head….STOP!!!!”
Kathy

“I sing the body electricZZZT!”
BlackCloud

“Don’t worry, Marty! I’m sending you Back… to the Future!”
Rus McLaughlin

“Wow….me love pretty blue lights. ”
Ursula

“How long until the Wierd Science logo goes up? ”
Jordan Richie

“AHHHH!!..Head, please dont explode…this is my favorite shirt!!..ahhhhh!! ”
Gingitsune

“Oh damn! Now my cable TV’s out for good!”
Michael Moon

(Shouting) “Now this – This is BETTER than sex!”
Rustam/Amanda

Now showing: “Electric Dreams” starring the incomparable Gubby Marx
Pamela Wallbridge

(with ….hm… is his name spells as Gaby?) Dr.Frankenstein first experience.
Mashy

7
Stan and the girls - who cares from where!

“….and behind that door is the rest of our girl scout troop ”
David Barclay

“We’re a little tea pot.”
dgk

“Let me get this straight. I can stay but only if I wear a bikini? Can I keep my hat?”
MissJean

Brian wondered why he’d never attended a LexxCon before.
Tribs

“What, and all i have to do is wistle if i want anything?”
94BScotcher-Lane

“Stanley decides to join the “Bond Girls.”
redguy

“OH MY GOD, Baywatch has invaded the Dark Zone, ACCCKKKKK!”
Kathy

Stanley wanted a woman in the worst way. But, never in his wildest wetdreams did he think he’d score siamese bimboids.
BlackCloud

“Tell us Stanley, does this make us look fat? ”
Ursula

“Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Moe…”
Rus McLaughlin

“I need a towel ”
Jordan Richie

“After they lure their victims into their lair.. they kill and used EVERY part of the Tweedle…yes even the hat… ”
Gingitsune

“What do you mean, ‘Do you have protection?'”
Michael Moon

“We just got hitched! Ain’t we a pair?!”
Rustam/Amanda

8
Stan in WEB

” Just try and prove it, drooling in my sleep indeed.”
David Barclay

“Xev, those cheap Bic’s we bought from Nimbus 9 are really starting to leak ”
94BScotcher-Lane

“hic…. I jus’ have a lil drinkin’ problem…hic”
Kaisfem

“All I know is I woke up and saw Kai leaving with a strangely satisfied look on his face.”
dgk

“…and then he said, ‘Stanley, you’re so full of sh**, I’m surprised it’s not coming out of your ears.’ And I said…”
MissJean

“Yeah, well, at least I don’t pout.”
Tribs

“The tooth’s gone, but the pain is still there…”
redguy

“Your a great kisser Xev, but what was that funny taste?”
Kathy

“Yeh, I ate it. What’s it to ya?”
BlackCloud

“I just love grape flavored popsicles. ”
Ursula

Stanley couldn’t understand what was wrong… chicks ALWAYS dug his Clint Eastwood impressions.
Rus McLaughlin

“Adrianne!” (Apologies to Rocky)
Jordan Richie

“…..T-that wasnt Kool-Aid…was it?….. Xev?”
Gingitsune

“It was this small black thing that said “US government” on it, and the memory banks said it was a “pen”. You’re saying that eating it was a mistake?”
Michael Moon

“Ink in my tea again?! I’m taking away that copy of “The Patriot”…No more Mel Gibson for you, girl!”
Rustam/Amanda

“I thought you said Marmite was edible!”
Pamela Wallbridge

9
Veggies in Woz

“New foods available today on the cluster ”
David Barclay

After extensive research, Stanley is informed that his medical sample contained ‘abnormalities’
94BScotcher-Lane

After traveling through the fractel core, 790 noticed that Zev and Stan were beginning to show slight side effects.
dgk

Girl shaped veg” I love you but my parents will never approve..sob..”
Kaisfem

FAILED DARK ZONE ANTI-DRUG CAMPAIGN: This is your libido on drugs. Any questions?
MissJean

…and that was the last time they ever let 790 play with the Love Slave Transformation Machine.
Tribs

“Zog’s irregular fruit stand, 24 miles.”
redguy

“I payed 18 bucks for THIS????”
Kathy

Stanley, love-starved for too long, begins to hallucinate over dinner.
BlackCloud

“Xev uses a new approach to get Stanley to eat more fruit. ”
Ursula

“Hey baby… nice Stamen!”
Rus McLaughlin

Little Suzy was never allowed in the 4H club again.
Jordan Richie

“….Yes Stan these are VERY life-like sculptures…..Now get back to unclogging the Shower head… ”
Gingitsune

“This is your mind on vegetables…”
Rustam/Amanda

Cover design for the new “Lexx Cookbook: Lus(t)cious Vegetables””
Pamela Wallbridge

Plates with different pictures on the bottom are usually manufactured for kids to eat untasty porridge faster to see, at last, the pics. But sometimes the bottom of the plate has adult content!
Olga

10
Kai in Wake the Dead

“Ha ha ha caption competitions are so funny!!”
David Barclay

“Xev, I know you’re bored but don’t mess with my hair when I’m in cryo!.”
dgk

“This is what happens when you use those 2 in 1 shampoo conditioners..waahh!”
Kaisfem

“Hey, kiddies! It’s the Killer Kai Show! Would you be mine…could you be mine…won’t you be my victim?”
MissJean

Kai soon discovered that Creamed Vanilla Vodka was no substitute for protoblood.
Tribs

“Yeah? I’m sure you wouldn’t be laughing if your hair was as bad as mine today”
94BScotcher-Lane

Kai auditions for “Cats!”
redguy

“When I find the one that used up my herbal shampoo they are dead meat, man.”
Kathy

This is your assasin on drugs.
Tina Simons

“But,…I just…want… TO PLAY!!!” (This is the one out of so many. But I can’t believe no one submitted “…and, your little dog, too!”)
BlackCloud

“I picked a bad time to stop sniffing glue! ”
Ursula

“Kai’s white contact lenses went down a treat at the Halloween ball ”
Claire Williams

“ooWAAOWoo MAN!!!! Who put the ViiAGGrra in my Protoblood? Hey ZZZeeevvv baby. Better watch ouuut cuz HERE..I..COME!!!!!! ”
Eva

“”Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” ”
Storm

“TOOMUCHWASABI !!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
Rus McLaughlin

“Hello Boils and Ghouls! Cryptkeeper here. ”
Jordan Richie

“Wooooooooooooooooooo!!…AHHH Ha Ha HA..Check out my eyes guys…I can see my brain! My brain….mwahahah this is soooo cool….Wooo!—uh…guys…m-my eyes are stuck..ow…guys! guys?”
Gingitsune

” Kai’s debut as lead singer for KISS is a smashing success.The band will kick of its “Brace the World” tour this summer in support of their release ‘Dead/Live’. ”
Clint

“Much to the surprise of Lexx and Farscape fans, Kai revealed himself to be related to Maldis.”
Michael Moon

“Oh what a beautiful morrrrrnin’, oh what a beautiful day!”
Rustam/Amanda

Solo for a cat ‘concert’ at nice March’s night
Mashy

11
Stan, in the NET

“Ok 790 you were right, humans can’t eat nails. ”
David Barclay

It was just as Stan finished the crab supper that the chief realised that not all of them were dead.
94BScotcher-Lane

“NO MORE SUSHI!!!”
Kaisfem

“Stanley, What does the word ‘cooked’ mean?”
dgk

“Captain’s Log: My attempt to come up with a weapon cooler than Kai’s brace has met with a setback. For now, the Mouth Cannon is mothballed.”
MissJean

“Lexx, secrete me some mouthwash. Now!”
Tribs

“Stan! one cigar at a time!”
redguy

“These green noodles taste funny.”
Kathy

“Are you sure eating these nails is a good way to get my iron supplement?”
Eva Lunsford

“For a limited time, you too can own a Stanley B. Tweedle Piñata. Give him a good whack and see what comes out. ”
DuneNova

Note to self:
Oral sex+humans=good.
Oral sex+space hedgehogs=bad.
BlackCloud

“I CAN TO stuff all the bean sprouts in my mouth at once…Watch! ”
Ursula

“The re-animated twiglets made one last attempt for freedom ”
Claire Williams

On reflection, Stan had to admit that his bold new strategy to win the Pick-Up Sticks tournament really sucked.
Rus McLaughlin

“You know…they’re right when they tell you not to drink the water! ”
Jordan Richie

“Yes kids this is what could happen to even you without the wonder that is proper dental care… ”
Gingitsune

“Dammit, Lexx! I TOLD you that Grape Nuts TASTES like twigs, not that it WAS twigs!!”
Michael Moon

“Klingon Gack? Hmmm…*munch munch* AcKK!!!!”
Rustam/Amanda

A HUGE thank you to everyone who took part and a Whopping Congratulations to the three winners (I didn’t envy Paul for having to make the choice).

Discuss this in the LEXX ForumsThe “LEXX Crazy Captions Competitions ” are © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permissionThe LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners.

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