Man who said: Wazzup, Wazoo, Achoo, Wachoo, and played Kazoo

The following are several freshly edited stories I wrote at another now defunct forum under several nicks (pathetic, huh?) that I felt like sharing with you. BTW, these are [i]intentionally bad[/i] — honest! 😳

[color=orange][size=18]The Man Who Said Wazoo a Lot[/size][/color]

I think this has a real Twilight Zoney feel to it, only better! There’s a real subtle twist, so watch out for it!

Anyway, this unidentified guy is found lying somwheres by some kids or something and he is rushed to a hospital place. The police guys and CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) try to learn of his identity, but can find no information on him, and the dude has slipped into a coma or he’s hybernating or something — the doctors don’t know.

A few weeks later the patient wakes up in his hospital ward and terrifyingly screams “Wazoooo!” Anyway, the doctor people ask him questions and tell him, “You’ve been been in a coma or been hybernating or somethin’ like that.” But the patient just replies, “Wazoo.” So they send him to a shrink, “What’s yer name, et cetera?” says the Psychiatric dude. “Wazoo” replies the wazoo patient guy–you know this keeps on going on for like 3 and a half hours of the 5 hour movie–“What’s yer age?”, “Wazoo” he replies etc. “Why does he keep saying wazoo, and who is this unidentified mysterious person anyway?” the hospital staff and CSIS ask. Anyway, the doctors don’t know what’s up with that — they’re thinkin he’s got some kinda amnesia thing happenin’ I guess (I’m no doctor so I wouldn’t know).

Then later, much later, they’re in the patient’s room when a groovy bright light fills the room, and these frighteningly spacily dressed aliens call out “Wazoo” (with their far out, futuristic black and white disco space suit clothes they look kinda scary like John Travolta clones). “Wazoo!” the patient really really happily replies. Suddenly all the aliens are loudly babbling to eachother, “wazooing” eachother I mean.
“Wazoo.” “Wazoo.” “Wazoo” etc.

They wave good-bye to the astounded doctors and nurses and with “Saturday Night Fever” like arms thrust into the air are beamed up to their spaceship. “I guess he was just another illegal immigrant” muses a doctor.
Several years later CSIS confirms the doctor’s suspicion.

It’s kinda subtle like, if ya didn’t get it, he would only say “wazoo” cause he was an alien and that’s the only word they have in their language. That’s the twist if you missed it.

[size=18][color=orange]The Man Who Said Achoo A Lot[/color][/size]

Here’s another idea, and is sort of a rip-off of [i]Alien Nation[/i]: A A boy is picked on the seas floating into the US from Cuba, and is taken in for medical care. The patient keeps on saying “achoo”. The doctors think he has a cold and pump him full of antihistamines but the antihistamines have an unintentional effect: they cause the man to transform into his true alien form — [i]Alien[/i] Gonzalez! (Old news; anyone watch the Elian Gonzalez Story?) Better story, he turns into Fat Elvis, and they find him on Uranus.

[size=18][color=orange]The Brother Who Said Wazzup a Lot [/color][/size]

I’m sure that many of you Sadgeezers are erudite enough to have seen “The Brother from Another Planet.” My idea’s akin to that, at least in that it’s got a brother and he’s from another planet. Yeah….hmm. ANYWAY…

The hospital patient (played by Snoop Dog or Dr. Dre) upon waking up from his two week coma declares “Wazzzupp!” The doctors explain to him that he’s been in a coma, but the patient just replies “Wazzzupp!” again and again and again. After a few minutes of his apparently impudent wazzzupping the doctors get really pissed off and call in the LAPD who beat him up and then lock him up. Later on the man’s alien brothers secretly beam down from their spaceship into the police headquarters. “Wazzup, wazzup, wazzup” they say to the police officers. Well, the police, not knowing that they’re aliens, think that they’re just more homeys with bad attitudes. So of course the cops try to beat them up, but the aliens vaporize them. They rescue their prisoner brother, and then they pick up the leader of the alien race — Michael Jackson, who was surgically altered to look inhuman. And they all “wazzup” happily ever after.

[color=orange][size=18]The Brother Who Said Watchoo a Lot [/size][/color]

Gary Coleman is an alien. That’s why he always says “Wachoo, watchoo, what choo talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

[color=orange][size=18]A Confucian Confusion: In Mandarin with Cantonese subtitles[/size][/color]

TAIPEI — TOMORROW

A Taiwanese man in a full-body cast wakes up in a hospital bed. He painfully yells out “Kazoo!” Several doctors and nurses rush in and question him, but all he responds with is “Kazoo.”

Meanwhile, in a symphony hall a hundred kazoo musicians are practicing a classical piece The Lao-tsu Kazoo Concerto. The maestro stops the orchestra, “No, no, no, it sounds terrible. How can we play without our star performer? No one else has the virtuousity to perform the solos.” “I could try” responds a pretty kazoo player. “No, this piece requires 101 kazooists — with only a hundred the harmony doesn’t work. In one week it will be Lao-tsu day, what can we do but pray?”

Because the doctors can’t identify the man, they get the newspapers to run his photograph, but in vain. No one recognises him in his full-body cast.

Anyway, thanks to a fortuitous incident with a kazoo playing gypsy girl who wanders into the patient’s ward, and a [b]monkey[/b] (don’t ask), the doctor’s figure out the man’s identity.

He performs the concerto in full-body cast to the applause of thousands.

And they all live happily ever after — except for the monkey, but that’s another story.

[You’re probably all complaining with that last story, “Where is the sci-fi?” Well the sci-fi is in the ‘…other story’. It has to do with the monkey. You see the monkey is a trained [i]geurilla[/i] from the [i]Planet of the Apes![/i] And if you believe that then you’ve gone [i]bananas[/i]! 😀