00-911 The Misadventures of Agent When Part 7

[u][b]Nursewhen[/b][/u]

The Van moved ever closer and Fourth was now sure that the van had no intention of stopping. He had instructed Lyekka to get into position as the Van approached. The Transition from ground to Van had left Fourth breathless. But that passed the moment fourth saw the head of a rabid weasel through the back window. Anger swelled in fourth and he ripped open one of the roof vents and both he and Lyekka leapt in to the Van.

Unfortunately as he leapt, fourth tripped over Agent When’s box of calamari and fell headfirst into the bowl of chocolate-coated crisps which Billy Bob was trying to tempt Agent When with. The Perfidious Fourth staggered to his feet, trying desperately to pull the bowl off his head, only to walk into the Acme space-saver-self erecting ironing board which twanged up and dealt him a nasty blow to the stomach.
Doubled over, he staggered back and fell down the steps of the emergency exit. Chief Streudel pressed a button and the doors opened. Fourth’s head and shoulders fell through and for a few moments, the bowl on his head made contact with the road, sending up showers of sparks.
Fourth managed to pull himself back into the StanVan and rushed back up the steps.
“You’re all going to die long and lingering deaths!” he cried.
Just then, the box of calamari, which had been teetering on the edge of the roof vent fell into the StanVan onto fourth’s head and knocked him to the floor in a shower of rather ripe smelling squid.
“Hello Perfidious,” Agent When smiled as she bent over him. “It looks like I misjudged you. Maybe crap DOES happen to bad guys after all.”
Just then, as he lay groaning on the floor, a small family of squirrels ran down from the roof, looked around and then scurried up his trouser leg.
There was a schlooping sound from the roof and a large blob flowed into the StanVan. It resolved itself into a beautiful woman wearing a bunny girl outfit.
“Hello, I’m hungry.”
“Bunny!” cried Marcus as he launched himself across the StanVan. Bryn caught his arm and pulled him back.
“No, no, Markey, I wouldn’t. Not right now,” he said as he pushed Marcus behind him and backed away.
“It’s alright,” said Lyekka, “I won’t eat you, Bryn or Marcus, you’re my friends.”
She turned away and moved towards Agent When until she had her backed up against a wall.
“I like you.”
“No! No!” cried Bryn, pushing between Lyekka and Agent When. “You can’t eat When, she’s a friend of mine. It’s considered very, very rude to eat your friend’s friends.”
“But I’m hungry.”
“Eat Fourth!” Bryn and When shouted together.”
Lyekka wrinkled her nose. “He smells nasty.”
She turned and regarded Chief Streudel who was trying to climb up the kitchen cabinets.
“She’s a friend too!” Bryn hurriedly added.
Lyekka turned her attention to the three men stood looking bemused in the driver’s cab of the now stationary StanVan.
“Are they also your friends?” Lyekka asked Bryn.
“No, you can eat them.”
“Bryn!” Agent When shrieked in horror!
“Well? You got a better idea? You volunteering?” Agent When looked from him to the three bewildered men as Lyekka slowly approached them, smiling.

“We can’t just let her eat them! We’ve got to do something.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well what we need to do right now, is to tie up the Perfidious Fourthof5…”

“YYEEAAAARRGGHHHH!”
Agent When covered her ears and hid her face against Bryn’s chest. Bryn propelled her towards the inert figure on the floor and handed her a length of rope.
“…And then we’ll have a little chat with him..”
“AARRGGARROOOYYEEK!”
Agent When flinched and tied the ropes with shaking hands.
“…But first, I think we need Chief Streudel to make you a nice cup of tea.”
“Oh TEA! She will warm the pot first though, won’t she? And put the milk in after the water?”
“We might even be able to run to cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.”
“WWWARRGHHAKKGERR!”
“Woo hoo! Now you’re talking!”
[b]So what will become of our heroes? What is to become of the Perfidious Fourthof5? Will he spend the rest of his life wearing a crisp bowl on his head? Will agent When O.D. on tea and cucumber sandwiches? Will they ever get to Halifax? And more importantly, who is going to drive?[/b]

[u][b]Streudel[/b][/u]

[i]

Bryn, Bryn, and only Bryn

[/i]
“So, did ya get anything out of him?” Bryn asked as he set a piping hot cup of tea in Agent When’s trembling hand.
“Cheers, Bryn. No, didn’t get anything more than how he was going to bring about our long and lingering deaths,” When replied.
“… And then I’m going to fetch the soapy frogs! Oh, your cries of misery shall be such exquisite music to my ears. But that’s only the beg-” Fourth’s maniacal ranting was halted by a cup of substandard tea spewed in his face.
“Bloody Hell, Streudel! Where in the Dark Zone did you learn to make tea?! 6 years we’ve been working together, and she still can’t make a proper cuppa!” When exclaimed.
“Your suffering will be legendary! I will-”
“Shut yer gob!” When rolled her eyes whilst stuffing an oversized spud into Fourth’s mouth.
“Bryn… When, whaddya think we should do with our perfidious party crasher here? He’s obviously not going to be of any help to us. Think we should drop him and his squirrel friends off at the next exit?” Chief Streudel posed her question then set a tray of cucumber sandwiches in front of the group. When inspected the neatly trimmed cucumber sandwich.
“That’s more like it, I suppose I’ll forgive you for that god-awful tea,” When laughed.
“I’m lousy with tea, but I’m hell with a cucumber!” Streudel said with pride.
“But I won’t forgive you for that… I was going to enjoy that sandwich…” When slung her sandwich back on the pile.
“I say we hose the squid funk off of ’em and keep him as a Lyekka treat,” suggested Bryn.
” We can’t do that… can we?… um… no, no, that wouldn’t be right. ” When said looking a little unsure of herself. She knew Fourth was pure evil, but, OH… who could not want a spare BD around… a ginger one at that!
“But he’s evil! Why am I always the voice of reason? I tell ’em ‘Stay safe, stay on the Lexx’ but does any one listen? NOOOO… I’m just being a coward…I say 790’s a demented tin can, does anyone listen? NOOOO… he could still be helpful… in getting us killed! That’s it, I’m puttin’ my foot down. He’s plant food!”
When’s lip quivered. Chief Streudel put a hand on When’s shoulder.
“Hey, When’s just trying to be compassionate. Y’know, we could drop off Lyekka. Then we wouldn’t need to keep leftovers in the fridge for her,” she said.
“I’m sorry, I know.” Bryn gave When a gentle pat on the back. “But Lyekka’s really nice once you get to know her,” he protested.
“Yeah, real nice. She’s already invited us to dinner, she’s real neighbourly,” Streudel countered.
“You do remember she’s smooth right round the bend, right? I’ll never understand what you see in her… not only is she unavailable, but she’s downright dangerous!”
“This coming from the Kai drooler? He’s only like the deadliest eunuch ever…”
“Um, guys… I think maybe we should table this discussion for now… Marcus’s probably playing with buttons up front…” When pointed to Marcus’s empty seat. The trio quickly headed to the driver’s compartment, leaving Lyekka carefully eyeballing the squirrel family like Homer Simpson looks at a Forbidden Donut. The group heard a rapid staccato beat coming from the cab.
“No!” When and Streudel shouted in unison after coming upon Marcus furiously tapping the largest red button on the console…
“Oh, he’s OK. That one doesn’t do anything. I had that installed just for him. Keeps him outta trouble.” Upon closer inspection, the agents saw the bunny pictured on the button. A bobble headed rabbit sprung up repeatedly from a hole in the dashboard. Marcus was enthralled.
“Brilliant,” said When. “Now maybe those two will stop fighting over the MM blow up doll.” When groaned at the memory of being the abused referee in a crying, whining slapfest over the pneumatic Kai on the ride in the cramped Droolmobile. Like it was really too much to ask her to just let the guy pet the wig and say “Hello, Kitty!” to keep the peace!
“He knows what he’s got to do to get me off of it,” Chief Streudel said with a wink. Marcus cringed like a puppy that’s been smacked with a rolled up newspaper. When was about to suggest getting Streudel spayed when Bryn slid into the driver’s seat.
“Oh, No Way! I’m puttin’ down my foot this time! I’m driving. I plan to get to Halifax within this Cycle of Time!” When declared.
Bryn looked as though he was about to protest when his face fell at the angry look on When’s face. She was, after all, the #1 Stan Fan in the Two Universes. Wasn’t it worth giving up the driver’s seat after 6000 years if it would make his most ardent fan smile?
“OK, I give up.” Bryn motioned for When to sit beside him. “Watch this.”
Bryn’s hand hovered over the steering wheel. A red holographic hand appeared, and then turned green when he laid his hand upon it.

Agent When squealed in delight.

“StanVan…” “Yes, Bryn, the studly stunner, treats his fans like no other.” Bryn held When tightly as she swooned.
“StanVan, would you set a course for Halifax, please?”
“As you command, Captain.”
“You mean to tell me you’ve been driving us half way back to Timbuktu when you could’ve just let the damn van drive?!” Streudel shrieked.
“I didn’t want to show off.”
“You mean you didn’t want to ask the damn van for directions! Just like a man…” Streudel harrumphed and went back to prepare the appetiser… er, check on the prisoner.
“Are you sure you won’t … I mean… um… just to complete the effect… could you just this once-?” When’s batting eyelashes reminded Bryn of a pair of rapidly flapping Moth wings.
“For my #1 fan, sure, if you think you can handle it,” Bryn said with much machismo. He reached under the seat and produced the 4 hat to an unconscious When.
[b]Finally, our heroes are back on track to Halifax! What unimaginable danger awaits them there? Will Lyekka have Fourth as an in-flight meal? Will Marcus and Streudel stop fighting over the blow up doll? Will When ever get to see Bryn wear the Tweedle hat without THUDDING? Will someone brew a damn proper pot of tea?! All these questions and more to be answered in the next thrilling adventure of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When.[/b]

[u][b]Uber_Vixen[/b][/u]

[i]

Warning, potty mouth[/i]

The dust settled and the second moth’s eye swung open. Vixen dropping the arm shielding her face and watched the enraged figure of Fifi clamber out of the moth muttering obscenities. He stormed up to her and started yelling unintelligibly.
“What’s wrong now, Fifi?” Vixen deadpanned.
“That b*tch Zev humiliated me! Where the hell is she? She’s not going to get away with making Fifi look like a fool!” Vixen shielded herself from the spittle flying from Fifi’s mouth.
“Psychotic much?! Shut the hell up you little turd!” Fifi’s eyes widened and he turned a dark shade of red.
“Where. Is. Diva. You’d better not get in my way you stupid May wannabe.”

Vixen scowled and smoothed her blue dress. “I don’t want to be May, you fool. I just like her outfit.” Vixen turned to walk away but Fifi grabbed her arm and violently pulled her back.
“Don’t you walk away from me!”
“Let..me…go…”
“Not until you tell me where that skanky Diva is!”
“Well, if you insist.” Fifi released her arm. “She’s in there,” Vixen pointed at the Halifax Care Facility For Mentally Ill Actors,” with Jim.”

Fifi started for the entry but Vixen stepped into his path.
“Who said you could go in? You wouldn’t dare interfere with Prince’s plan?”

“I don’t give a toss about Prince’s lame plan anymore. And I will go in there.”
“Then you’re going to have to go through me.”
Vixen tensed and dug her heels into the ground. Fifi snorted and started again for the door, only to have Vixen block his way again. Grunting he pushed her backwards and walked again towards the entry. Vixen grabbed
Fifi by the back of his neck.
“I told you, you’re not going in there.”
“Get off me!”
Fifi twisted and swung out, catching Vixen on the chin. Stunned, she staggered backwards. He started running for the entry. Vixen screamed and ran after him. She dived into the air and tackled him around the waist, pulling him to the ground heavily. Fifi heaved her off and stumbled to his feet. He kicked her in the ribs as she tried to stand up. Vixen turned her head sideways and glared evilly at Fifi as she rose easily to her feet.
“You think you can defeat me that easily? Ha!”
Vixen swung out and hit Fifi square in the nose. He thudded to the ground and lay there unconscious.
“Oh.” Vixen blinked. “I thought that would take longer. Ah well!” Vixen pulled some cable out of the moth and bound Fifi’s hands and feet, and dragged him out of view behind a dumpster. Dusting off her hands she climbed into his moth to contact Prince.
~~~~~
Jim stared adoringly into Diva’s eyes and recited some 790 style poetry. Diva’s smile was a little strained. He still had his head pressed to her belly and his arms tightly around her legs.
“All day by the-“
“Jim, luffer, I need to ask you something.”
“Yes sweet embodiment of heavenly delights?”
“Before we do anything, I need you to promise me something. You’ll help me if you really love me, wont you Jimmyy?”
Jim nodded dazedly. “Of course, perfect arrangement of carbon molecules, my darling galaxy of sweetness and light.”
“Then if you see Bryn Dempsey or Marcus make sure you…”
~~~~~
Xavia stared out from the balcony in Prince’s tower.
“Back here again…” She turned and walked down the steps into the main room where Prince sat at a large table.
“Let me go Prince.”
“No. Do you really think I would go to all the trouble of bringing you here just to let you go? Xev-” “My name is Xavia, not Xev. I’m not her anymore.”
“Oh, how interesting.” Prince raised an eyebrow. “What could possibly have caused this change in opinion?”
“I have a life here. I’m an actress.”
“You know who you are Xev. You can’t leave that behind. Would you truly sever all your contact with Stan and Kai?”
“They’re my friends Prince. I would never do that to them.”
“Ah.” Prince rose from his chair and walked over to a control panel with buttons galore.
“I remember once you were so proud of being a love slave.”
“I’m still a love slave. But now I’m something more.”
A light on the control panel started flashing. Prince flicked a switch and it stopped. He turned to face Xavia.
“Perhaps. But you can’t honestly believe you can just leave that part of yourself behind. No matter how fast you run, you cant escape your shadow.”

“Not unless the lighting is really bright. And it will be.”
Prince gave an amused smile. “I’m sure it will be.” Xavia paused for a while.
“What do you want from me?”
“Nothing, really.”
“Then from Marcus? Or Bryn?”
“The same thing I’ve wanted as long as you’ve known me. The Lexx is the last remnant of the Insect Civilisation. I must have it.”
“We’ll never give up the key! No matter if you know where the Lexx is, you will never, ever control it!” Prince smiled.
“We will see.”
~~~~~
Uber_vixen leaned against the Facility For Mentally Ill Actors and played the brown pipe instrument that usually hung at her wrist. Water dripped on her shoulder and it began to rain. She continued to play, but as the rain got harder, water seeped into the pipe and her off-key tootings turned into bubbly plffings.
She let the instrument dangle and scanned the sky. Prince had not responded to any of her attempts at communication. She briefly wondered if he had seduced Xavia too, but shook the thought from her mind. Xavia was stronger than that. Probably the only one resistant to Prince’s charms, when she wanted to be.
She sighed and walked over the the moth, treading lightly in the mud. Her clothes were drenched so she climbed into the moth and crawled behind the seats to get changed. Emerging a few seconds later, she climbed into the seat wearing a sinful black, peepholey and twisting rubber outfit and muttering about May wannabes.
Diva strode out of the building towards the moth, unperturbed by the heavy rain. She climbed in and shut the moth eye. The pair were silent for a moment.
“So… Everything go according to plan?” Diva didn’t answer but gave an eventual nod. “Ah, good. Did you have to…er…”
“No. I think Jim has been bodiless for so long he has forgotten how to use it.”
“No wonder he’s nutty. That would certainly give you a bit of an identity crisis… I’m going to check on Prince now. He’s long overdue and I’m worried. Coming?”
“No. I think I should stay here. And…make sure Jim does as I say.”
“Righty-O! Ciao!”
Vixen replied instantly.
Diva hopped out of the moth and made her way back towards Jim’s room as Vixen lifted the moth into the air and navigated for Prince’s tower. She pondered how the nanites had gotten into her blood. She was sure that Prince did not carry them. Surely the clone had no had his way with her ear without her knowledge?!
“DAMN!” Vixen screamed and banged her head against the glass.
[b]Will Xavia escape Prince’s lair? Will anything interesting happen when Vixen gets there? Or in any of Uber_vixen’s episodes for that matter? Will Fifi wake up, or be rescued, or does anyone even care? What did Zev instruct Jim to do? Will the Acme gang ever make it to Halifax? Will fourth and Lyekka have to walk the entire way? All these questions answered sometime in 00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When![/b]

[u][b]Nursewhen[/b][/u]

“Oh boy. I lurve the Acme King-of-the-road cruise control,” said Bryn to chief Streudel as he watched yet another car spin off the road as the StanVan weaved its way through the traffic like a tank on acid “At this rate, we’ll be there in no time. What’s When up to?”
“She’s watching over the perfidious Fourthof5. She’s just had morning tea, elevenses, lunch, tea break and has moved onto afternoon tea now. And she’s found the world croquet championship on the TV.”
*Sound of polite clapping comes from the back of the van along with cries of ‘Oh jolly good show’. (Slightly muffled by sandwich)*
~~~~~~~~~~~
Fourthof5, tied hand and foot, sat on the floor with his back to the wardrobe door, silently seething to himself. They had added to his many indignities by deciding that he was getting smelly, hosing him down outside the van and then dressing him in a UK policewoman’s uniform.
He wouldn’t mind, but the shoes were flat, the skirt the wrong length and black really wasn’t his colour.
He was going to have his revenge and it was going to be sweet.

He’d been stink bombed, squashed (twice), power cleaned (twice), dressed in stupid costumes (3 times), stripped (twice), eaten (once), tied up (3 times), thrown around vans and now had to witness the torture of agent When stuffing cucumber sandwiches into her cheek pouches like a rabid hamster while drinking endless cups of tea and throwing nuts to the squirrels who were storing them in his underpants.
Oh he was going to have such revenge.
Fourth started banging the back of his head against the wardrobe door to try to drown out When’s interminable slurping. The door of the wardrobe popped open slightly. He looked in and an evil smile spread across his face.
“Hey, When, look at this!” He kicked open the door and agent When was suddenly faced with row upon row of red jump suits, each with a little red cap hung above.
“Noooo!” she cried as the half eaten sandwich fell from her hand. She slid across the table, knocking off the teapot, silver cake stand and paper doilies. When slid off the side of the table and crumpled to the floor.
Fourthof5 struggled to his feet and hopped across to where the bread knife lay and started desperately sawing at his bonds. When groaned just as Fourth pulled the ropes off his feet.
“I’ll teach you to call me a ‘good guy’!” he cried as he launched himself
at her.
When opened her eyes and gasped in horror to see Fourth bearing down on her brandishing a knife. She tried to roll out of the way but Fourth has already grabbed her throat and the knife was pressed against it. She flailed around to try to find a weapon. Her hand closed on something and she brought it round and viciously poked him in the eye with a chocolate éclair.
Fourth shrieked and pulled away, holding his hands to his eye. Agent When felt hands catch her under the arms and she was rapidly pulled across the floor. Lyekka’s arms returned to their normal length as she stood the shaken agent back on her feet and smiled at her. Fourth wiped the pastry and cream from his eye and regarded the entire crew of the StanVan who were gathered on the other side of the vehicle. He gestured menacingly with the knife.
“You’re going to give me what I want or I’ll…I’ll…”
“Or you’ll what?” asked Bryn derisively.
“I’ll… I’ll” Fourth looked round him desperately and spotted the rabid ferret hairdo of the MM doll propped against the wall of the StanVan.

He grabbed it, pulled it in front of him and held the knife to its throat.

“Nobody move or the sex toy gets it.”
“Nooooo!” shrieked chief Streudel. “Noooo, Noooo, don’t hurt it!”
“Hey,” said Agent When, “I didn’t hear you screaming when it was me.”

“You can look after yourself! Don’t harm it! Please!!”
“Oh come on,” said Bryn, “it’s just a doll. You can buy another.”
Agent When and Chief Streudel look at him in disbelief.
“OK, I’ll tell you what I want,” said Fourthof5, grinning evilly. “I want you to get me a squawk box with an adjustable frequency.”
Nobody moved, so Fourth pushed the knife a little harder into the neck of the doll.
“Nooo!” cried Streudel hysterically. “Give him what he wants,” she sobbed.

“Bryn, we’re going to have to do as he says.”
“What?” cries Bryn in disbelief. “I don’t believe this! It’s…just… a… DOLL! We can get another.”
“Do you want Streudel to end up like Marcus?” Bryn throws his arms up with frustration.
“OK, OK. I’ll go and get a squawk box.”
“And no funny business,” shouted Fourth.
“Pah!”
Bryn returned with the squawk box and tossed it to the perfidious Fourthof5 who caught it, changed the frequency and switched the automatic beacon on.
“Now we wait,” he said.
~~~~~~~~
Finally, they heard the sound of a moth landing on the ground outside the StanVan. Fourth and his hostage moved toward the emergency exit.
“Don’t take him with you! cried Streudel.
“Oh no, I won’t,” said Fourth with an evil grin. “This one’s for you and When.”
With that, Fourth pushed the knife into the throat of the doll. Streudel let out a piercing, heart rending shriek as the doll suddenly galvanised into life and flew round the van with a loud *FFLLLBBTT FFLLBBTT*. Fourth was halfway through his evil “MUAHAHAHA”, when it flew back and hit him square in the mouth, knocking him onto a narcolounger at the back of the van.
Agent When hit the narco-eject button and Fourth was flung through the air and into the roof of the van where he bounced back onto the table.

“Next time, hit the ‘Open Sunroof’ button first,” advised Bryn from behind the kitchen cabinet.
*FLLBBBT FLLBBTT* The doll continued to ricochet round the van and hit a saucepan handle, causing it to spin gracefully through the air and fit itself snugly over the bowl that was still stuck to Fourth’s head.
Fourth staggered round the van and fell onto the narcolounger again. When hit the ‘open sunroof’ followed by the narco-eject button and Fourth sailed gracefully out of the van and onto the tarmac ahead.
“That’s it!” shouted Bryn as he threw himself into the driving seat. “I’ve had enough of that little sh*t, he’s just made one BIG mistake.”
He placed his hand on the red holographic display. “He’s just made his last mistake,” he mutters to himself.
Fourthof5 picks himself up off the tarmac and makes a dash for the waiting moth.
“StanVan!” says Bryn. “Blow up that moth.”
“Yes, captain.”
The moth lifts off, veers away and slews madly in the air, just missing the blade of energy coursing through the sky towards it. It loops back and passes over the StanVan, giving the occupants a good look at the pilot.

“Oh no,” cries Agent When. “It’s Fifi!”
The moth flies overhead and disappears. The van is quiet but for the heart-rending sobs of Chief Streudel.
[b]What will become of our heroes now that Fourth has finally shown his true colours (and they still don’t match the policewoman’s uniform). What dastardly plan will he and Fifi hatch together? Will Streudel be consolable? Will When run out of tea? Tune in for the next exciting instalment of 00911 the Misadventures of Agent When. [/b]