Canadian Legends: The Life and Times of Stin Kee
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A stinky story…
The following is a two part screenplay idea. The first part is a pseudo-documentary in the style of two or three minute “commercials” that air in my neck of the woods called “B.C. Moments,” and is also an homage to a Vancouver hotelier called Gassy Jack (not actually sure why he was called that).* The second part, on the other hand, is hack sci-fi writing at its most fetid.
[color=orange]The Life and Times of Stin Kee: aka the Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall Again of a Canadian Legend[/color]
With The Black Crows newest hit song “You are the Wind Beneath our Wings” dedicated to a great Canadian entertainer, the time is right for sad geezers to pay tribute to the legendary and inspirational Stin Kee.
Stin (pronounced Shtin) Keizerensteinemen was born in Eastern Europe in 1892 to a poor gypsy circus family. They migrated to B.C., Canada in 1896, anglicized their family name to Kee, and quickly found success on the Vancouver vaudeville circuit, delighting dozens.
Stin had a troubled childhood; he suffered from severe gastro-intestinal problems. However, the family used Stin’s ailment to their advantage. In 1898 they brought him into the show, where he performed as a flatulence artist. Stin Kee’s performance became widely renowned, and people would travel from as far away as Burnaby (a municipality about a ten minute drive from downtown Vancouver) to catch his act. As Stin’s fame increased, he dumped his loser family, took on a solo career, and entertained thousands at venues such as Carnegie Hall, the Royal Albert Hall, the Commodore Ballroom, and Zellers.
Unfortunately, with the advent of moving pictures and its increasing popularity, people became less interested in vaudeville, and Stin Kee’s career languished and his health deteriorated.
In the 1940’s, with the popularity of Glen Miller, Stin Kee reinvented himself as the big band leader of Stin Kee’s Big Wind Orchestra to rave reviews.
However, the pressure of performing became too much for Stin Kee’s intestines, and he was confined to hospital for many years in a well ventilated room.
Despite his poor health, Stin Kee lived well into his eighties and died an old fart.
[color=orange]The Return of Stin Kee: Get your stinkin’ beaver paws off me! aka The Beaver Warriors[/color]
The year is 2018 and most of the world’s petroleum deposits have dried up. The world’s economies and governments have collapsed, and territories are ruled by ruthless semi-intelligent beavers … the humans are enslaved. Dam those beavers! The beavers, who are in control of the last remaining and almost depleted petroleum reserves, rule the world by recklessly driving around in fast cars and motorcycles — not only does this terrify and shame the human males into submission, but the beavers fast cars ensure that they pick up all the hottest chicks…
While [i]chewing[/i] through a few old books, a group of bogus beaver historians encounter the story of Stin Kee, and, for no reason whatsoever — other than they find anything to do with flatulence hilarious and they like to hang around in bars — they tell a group of beavers they met at a bar about it. By a most extraordinarily convenient, and ridiculous plot device, the beavers they inform just happen to be semi-brilliant rogue scientists who specialise in alternative fuel sources. The semi-smart beaver scientists develop a hypothesis which turns out to be completely wrong, but that’s another story.
… skip six months and fifty pages to [b]The Gas Chamber[/b]…
With the help of the historians they find Stin Kee’s air-tight tomb where he lies perfectly preserved in his own gasses. Using semi-super beaver science they rejuvenate and revive him. They force him to power a really fast natural gas vehicle.[b] He who controls the gas gets the chicks and rules the world![/b]
When the other beavers see how fast the rogue beavers can drive, they fall off their feet in wonder and fear, and naturally they pledge allegiance to the their new masters superior torque and power. However, Stin Kee eventually kills his enslavers (the details are unimportant, but it involves removing his tail-pipe) and comes to rule the world and get all the hottest chicks. And he lives happily ever after.
The end.
*Notes: Stin Kee is a “legend,” in much the same way that King Arthur is (and even more like he isn’t). And like the legend of King Arthur of Camelot, the legend of Stin Kee Fartur of Toot-a-lot is shrouded in an air of mystery. But unlike Arthur, the legend of Stin Kee is also shrouded in an air of stench. And that’s what makes him so special! He deserves a big-budget feature film shot in glorious smell-o-rama as a tribute to all those who have lifted our spirits with their sweet effluvia.
[i]copywrite Logan Productions, all rights reserved[/i]
Ooh, just reading my story again gives me abdominal cramps. I know it doesn’t exactly smell like roses, butt any comments? And sorry that the story was a little longer than necessary, I’ve always been a bit of a windbag.
BTW, I just recently found a website for Mr. Methane, who seemingly claims to be the world’s only living, performing flatulist — something I find very hard to believe as professional flatulence artists used to be quite in demand, and, of course, amateur flatulence is still a very popular form of entertainment in college dorms, and indeed, far-ing* is one of the cornerstones of western civilisation (or at least it’s a staple of toilet humour everywhere).
Also, in Japan they have regular televised fa-ting** contests — not so entertaining without smell-o-vision.
“The world’s windiest website”: [url]http://www.mrmethane.com/[/url] (choose flash and turn up speakers, if you’re into that kind of thing it’s a gas, and if you’re not, well, then don’t bother visiting the site).
[size=9]*farming
**fasting[/size]That was a blast!
I hate bog humour normally, but this was fun. I like the quick-quip style of writing, I read it like you just couldn’t stop talking – a sort of manic storytelling. I’ve not seen that around much.
COOL! 🙂
[i]Stin Kee Fartur of Toot-a-lot [/i] That’s one of those irritating sayings that I’m just not going to be able to forget! 🙂
I thought it was a real stinker. It gave me abdominal cramps, the runs and I had to open every window in the house thereafter. The neighbours called the police about the stench too. The gardens within the surrounding environment are now pushing up the daisies.
High praise indeed.
Thank you SadGeezer — and Bonnee too. I was actually a little nervous about submitting this, but I’m glad that this rank (i.e high as cheese that was cut a year ago) story ranks high with you.
[quote=”SadGeezer”]That was a blast!
I hate bog humour normally, but this was fun. I like the quick-quip style of writing, I read it like you just couldn’t stop talking – a sort of manic storytelling. I’ve not seen that around much….[/quote]
Well it helps that I’m manic! I just hurriedly write stuff down as it plops into my head in a fairly steady stream of verbal diarrhoea. Sometimes I’m quite pleased with the results, but most of the time it’s crap (as can be expected).
The first part particularly is written as if it were narrated for a documentary; you have to imagine the pictures (and smells) that would go along with it as I haven’t been very descriptive.
BTW, I’m not that keen on bog humour either. Oh, btw, please support The Bowel Movement by signing my [url=http://www.members.shaw.ca/funky2funky/Sketches/Petition.htm]Pyramid of Dung Petition[/url] 😉
[quote=”bonnee”] I thought it was a real stinker. It gave me abdominal cramps, the runs and I had to open every window in the house thereafter. The neighbours called the police about the stench too. The gardens within the surrounding environment are now pushing up the daisies.
High praise indeed.[/quote]
Stinks to high heaven praise indeed, thank you! 😀
BTW, are there are any zoologists (or such) in the house? Because I have a question for you: If a bear sh-ts in the bog in the woods does it use sphagnum to clean itself? (sorry that’s just an example of peat bog humour). 😉
BTW, you remember how I mentioned Smell-O-Rama (and Smell-O-Vision)? Well here’s a bit of Logan pseudo-history for pseudo-history buffs.
[color=brown]A Fragrant Art…[/color]
In the 50’s, due to declining audiences, cinemas experimented with simulating movie smells; this technique was called Smell-O-Rama. The odours would circulate through the air ventilation units. This technique was first used in the Mickey Mouse cult classic, [i]Who Cut the Cheese[/i]? 😉
*actually they really did try simulating movie smells and a whole gamut of other gimicks to get audiences in the cinemas due to the popularity of TV. For instance: 3D, cinerama, vibrating chairs (trem0rama would be a good name for that) etc.
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