Fanfic: Scorpion Tea
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[b]Scorpion Tea[/b]
[i](Part 1)[/i]Xev put the pedal to the metal and sped down Route 666 in the black hearse. Stan was riding shotgun looking out for cops. Kai was sprawled out in the back being dead, as usual.
Kai mumbled, “Where are we going?”
Xev squinted at a deer crossing sign. “I don’t know. But I think the people in the next town have horns on their heads.”
Stan grimmaced. “No I’ve seen those yellow signs before. It’s some kind of warning. I bet there are some kind of weird monsters ahead! Xev, we gotta turn back.”
“No, Stan. We have to get to another town before the police catch us.” Xev ignored Stan’s whinning and focused on the road ahead.
The sun went down and the road got darker. The woods seemed to close in on them. Then Xev slammed on the breaks and Stan bonked his head on the dashboard.
“Ow! Warn me next time you do that! What are we stopping for anyway?” He took off his red hat and rubbed his head.
Xev shot an eye-dagger at Stan. “I’m stopping for those three men on the side of the road. I can’t read the sign they’re holding but I think they might need help.”
“No no no no! Don’t stop for them! The people on this planet are crazy! They might kill us or something!” Stan began to panic.
Xev grinned, “Relax, Stan. I’ll protect you.”
The three men on the side of the road started yelling with joy and galloped up to the hearse. The one with long stringy hair exclaimed, “Hey, ya’ll! Thanks fer the lift! When we saw that hearse without it’s headlights on come ridn’ out of the woods, we all knew, ‘That’s our ride!'”
The skinny dude with short hair kept giggling with maniacal joy.
Feigning calm, Stan replied, “No problem!” Then to Xev through his fake smile, “You better know what you’re doing, Xev.”
She elbowed Stan, “Quite!” Then she batted her eyelashes to the three freaks outside the car, “So, boys! How can we help?”
The bald one with the beard stated, “We gotta get to our gig! Our van ran out of gas and we been walking for miles and [i]damn[/i] I need to take a dump!”
Stan exclaims with the best bravado he can muster, “Not in this car, buddy!”
All three of them started laughing. Except for the skinny one who never really stopped laughing in the first place. The long-hair starts begging, “Aw, come on! We just want to give you a present! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Stan rolled his eyes, hoping that these guys were just kidding. Xev asked, “Well, we can give you a ride to your… gig… but we’re in a hurry. So climb into the back.”
As the three men went around to the back of the hearse, Stan pleaded, “Xev, I don’t like the looks of those guys. Did you see the way that one was laughing? I think there’s something wrong with him. There’s something worng with all three of them!” Xev ignored him.
The beared guy opened up the back of the hearse and Kai’s arm flopped out over the bumper. The three of them gasp.
The dead man in black greeted them in his usual grim tone. “Hello”, Kai said.
Skinny resumes his hysterical laughter. Long-hair, with a devious grin demands, “I want whatever he’s taking!” Beard let’s loose a rebel yell. They all scamper into the back of the hearse. After they settled in, they started chanting, “All-right! All-right! All-right!”, stomping their feet, rocking back and forth, making the hearse bounce up and down. Kai lolled around a little bit.
With a look of terror, Stan watched their antics. He considered the idea of getting out of the car and running away. But he couldn’t decide which alternative was less death-inducing.
Xev was not in the least bit worried. In fact, she acted like she was ready to party. “Okay, boys! Let’s go!” The hearse resumed it’s course down the road.
Trying to act casual, Stan asked them their names. The beared guy extended his hand and replied with exhuberance, “Mah names King!” Stan sheepishly extended his hand, hoping that was the proper greeting. King snatched Stan’s hand and dragged him to the back of the hearse. “I play drums!” King pointed to the giggler, “And that’s Paul, he plays gee-tar. And that ******* over there wit’ da long hair is Gibby!”
“What do you guys do?”, Xev asked innocently.
“We’re a band from Texas and right now we’re touring around the country.”, King explained.
A silent and understanding “Oh” formed in Xev’s mouth. “I’ve been to Texas! There must be lots of musicians in Texas. But then I got thrown in jail after all the men in this trailer killed each other over me.”, explaining, matter-of-factly.
“My kind of girl!”, said King with approval. Xev giggled.
Stan rubbed his sore hand. Gibby exclaimed, “Nice ta meet ya, partner!” He grabs hold of Stan’s uninjured hand and shakes it up and down.
Still laughing with hideous glee, Paul was examining the motionless body of Kai. He was looking for pockets that weren’t there. He stopped laughing long enough to give Kai a big slurpy lick on the side of his face. Kai comments, “I have been decarbonized and therefore I am not edible.” Paul replied with more cackling.
Trying and failing to instill fear and respect, Stan warned, “You better not mess with him. He’s a Divine Assassin and can kill you dead just like that!”, snapping his fingers for emphasis.
Faking a look of stunned suprise, Gibby responded, “Ooooo! Dee-vine ass-ass-ass-ass-IN!” He was still violently shaking Stans hand. Stan yanked it away. Unperturbed, Gibby starts to rummage around in his smelly jacket.
King climbed into the front seat. Xev greeted him with a sunny smile. Stroking his beard with mock concern King asks, “So yer a pretty good night-driver, right? Screw headlights anyway!”
“Headlights? What are those?” Xev was puzzled.
King reached over to the dashbord and flipped a switch. Bright light filled the road and woods in front of the car.
“Aaaaaahhhhh!”, Xev screamed like a cluster-lizard– an ungodly, ear-piercing, pig-in-a-blender, yell. She brought the hearse to a screeching halt. Her eyes were wide with stunned suprise. Looking over the wheel out at the road she said, “I didn’t know these things could do that!”
Peeling his face from the inside of the windshield, King whispered, “Wow.”
“Do that again! Do that again!”, Gibby was giddy with wonder. Even Paul stopped laughing and was slack-jawed.
“What, make the car stop again?”
“No! The scream you made!”
Xev obliged him. King starting bouncing up and down in his seat with excitement with a big grin on his face. Xev resumed her driving.
All the muscles in Gibby’s body relaxed as he layed down on the floor of the hearse, laying his head in Stan’s lap. “Oh joy!”, he sighed with a dreamy look on his face.
Paul resumed his giggling. Then he exclaimed the first word he said since the hearse picked them up. “Yeah.” That turned into, “Yeahyeah”, and in turn, “Yeahyeahyeah”, and so on until it all percolated back and forth between “yeah” and “ha-ha”.
Stan looked down at Gibby and asked, “Are you okay?”
Gibby lurched up and grabbed hold of the back of the drivers seat. “You’ve got to come with us.”, he said in a new deep-throated menacing tone. “The fate of all mankind depends on it.” Then his tone suddenly changed to playful glee, “But first, have some Scorpion Tea!” He pulled out a rusty thermous from out of his jacket.
While Paul was pulling out some small papers and rolling them with up with a green mossy substance, Stan took the opprotunity to try to talk to Kai. “Kai! These guys are worse than Mantrid! What do we do? What if they have those alien probes in them?”
But Kai was unconcious again, a symptom of his lack of proto-blood.
Ever giggling, Paul hands Stan the rolled up piece of paper. One end of it was obviously on fire because of the smoke coming out of this.
Stan looked at the cigarette and had no idea what to do with it. “Gee, uh, thanks. I guess…” He dumbly waves it around a little bit. Maybe it’s some kind of religeous ritual? Unable to think of anything else, he moves the cigarette around in a circle in the air and pronounces, “May His Shadow fall upon you.” and hands the burning thing back to Paul.
Paul’s jaw drops, eyes wide, “HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! YES! YES! YES!” and then proceeded to inhale the smoking cigarette with mad abandon. Stan winces at this, wondering why anyone would want to inhale smoke.
At this moment, hand steady as a chemist’s, Gibby was pouring some white, vile, foamy liquid out of the brown rusty thermous into it’s cap. “Yes”, he nodded with absolute certainty, “That’ll do fer a name. ‘May His Shadow Fall Upon You'”. After carefully pouring out a capful of the liquid, he moves as if in slow motion up towards the front seat of the hearse. In character with his slow movements, he states in an equally slow speech, “Heeerrre. Drrrriiiinnnk thhhiiiiiiis”, and holds out the cap to Xev.
Uncertain, Xev looks over at King. He nods to her vigorously in reassurance. “But I’m driving right now! I’ve had booze once before and I could barely fly the moth up to the Lexx!”
Taking a serious and concerned fatherly tone, King pronounces, “Never fear! I shall drive!” And then in his normal tone, “Besides, I’m the one who knows the way to the gig.”
As Xev pulls over, Stan resumes his whinning. “What are you doing, Xev! We don’t have time for this! We need to get in touch with 790 again and get as far away from here as we can!”
“Where are we going to go, Stan? And what better place to hide for a while than in these woods?”
Suddenly Paul, who up to this point has not said anything other than, “Ha”, Yeah”, and “Yes”. Exclaimed, “Capital thinking, my dear! We shall circle the wagons! Those redskins won’t stand a chance.”
Exasperated, Stan complains, “Well if you’re going to get in the back then I’m getting in front.” And then to himself under his breath, “At least King doesn’t seem to be as crazy as the others.” He sat down with a scowl on his face.
King leaned over to him. “Hold on to your ass, Fred.” The motor roared, tires screeched, and Stan was flung back against his seat.
“Slow down! Slow down!”, Stan pleaded. But King just giggled.
Before Xev could settle in, she was tumbled by the momentum of the hearse, knocking over Paul. Her bottom landed directly onto Paul’s face. Paul, of course, continued his laughing. Xev was about to move off, but he grabbed her by the thighs and pulled her back onto his face, muffling his mania. That can’t be very comfortable, Xev thought, but at least it made him quiet.
“Dang it, King!”, Gibby hollered, “You made me spill my Scorpion Tea!” Indeed, the substance had slopped all over his arm.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of that.” And Xev proceeded to lick the gooey liquid off Gibby’s arm in the expert manner that is a loveslave’s. Gibby’s tongue was hanging out of his mouth, loving ever second of it. “Mmmmmmm! This stuff is delicious! Do you guys want some?”
In unison, King and Gibby tell her, “No, no!” King adding, “I mean, yes, we’ve already had plenty. Uh, yeah.” They seemed to say this rather suspiciously, but Xev paid little heed.
Stan glared at King, seeing through his lie. He’s seen this kind of thing before, been through the routine. Get the girl intoxicated and then take advantage of her. But then the realization comes over his face that with both Kai and Xev out of the picture, he’ll be on his own.
“Xev, don’t drink that”, Stan exclaimed. But it was too late.
Gulping down her third cupful, Xev wipes a bit of the white foamy liquid from her chin and then licks that bit off the back of her hand. “I love this stuff!”, she giggled. “I’ve never had anything like it before, but at the same time it seems so familiar!” She examined the cup with wonder.
Then it hits her.
In a moment of lucidity, Kai looks up at Xev. “Are you alright, Xev?”
She hadn’t tasted anything like this before, that was certain. But the feeling that came over her was something that she rembered from when she was on the planet Water, in the Garden city. Short little squishy plants with even littler dots on them.
“I don’t know…”, Xev said uncertainly.
From underneath Xev’s skirt, Paul was howling with muffled joy. King let out an exhuberant yell. Gibby confirmed, “That’s sum fiiiiiiiine Scorpian Tea! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
King careened off the paved highway and onto a dirt road, up a series of switchbacks along the side of the hills. They had alomst reached their destination.
(To be continued tomorrow…)
(Note to Aleck: You know where this is going, don’t give it way… heeheeheehee…)
Hope this doesn’t give anything away…
You should’ve had Gibby ask the musical question:
“Y’all [b]BIIIiiiiiIIII[/b]?????”
(preferably said while his hair flaps up and down, caused by some homemade wire contraption he’s wearing on his head).(You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of [i]Blind Eye Sees All[/i] laying around, wouldya? Email me if so. [img]images/smiles/icon_smile.gif[/img] )
–Aleck
quote:
Originally posted by Aleck:
Hope this doesn’t give anything away…You should’ve had Gibby ask the musical question:
“Y’all [b]BIIIiiiiiIIII[/b]?????”
(preferably said while his hair flaps up and down, caused by some homemade wire contraption he’s wearing on his head).(You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of [i]Blind Eye Sees All[/i] laying around, wouldya? Email me if so. [img]images/smiles/icon_smile.gif[/img] )
–Aleck
I [i]think[/i] I [i]may[/i] have a 10-year-old tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of a tape of [i]Impact Video Magazine[/i], butt that’s all.
quote:
Originally posted by dgrequeen:
LOL, you’ve got the Lexx crew down pat, Flamegrape! Funny story, will we see more?
I hope I finish the story today before [i]Lexx[/i] airs tonite!
That was good! You do know the characters.
Excellent stuff Flame. It was like watching an episode.
You had to go and outdo my little story didnt ya? [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
I hope a moment of inspiration swoops down on this story and continues it……. [img]images/smiles/icon_wink.gif[/img] T_T
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