It was a lot of fun…

It was full of great activities. For instance, on the first day, I wound up in the Organleggers Poker room, and now my body has three kidneys and two adrenal glands… none of which were mine originally, but they all seem to work fine.

Then we dropped by the Gray Alien hospitality suites where we were given rides in flying saucers over the Eastern Seaboard. The view was great, and the only downside was the constant anal probing. I think that they might have implanted some sort of tracking signal device, because now I’ve found I can change TV channels by clicking my teeth together.

The costume contest turned out to be entirely devoted to breast implants, and participants were judged on texture.

It was really big, the interior of the hotel was so huge that we were launched to our rooms on miniature rockets and could only leave with the aid of parachutes, constantly repacked by a squad of ever ready elves. The arduous task of cleaning the rooms was done by giant man eating spiders, which gave ‘check out’ time a special emphasis.

As it turns out, the convention only lasted half an hour in strict calendar time, but through the use of judicious time machine technology, which was everywhere at the convention, a person could spend years there. Sometimes this complicated things, you would turn around and discover that the person you had wild passionate sex with five minutes ago was now five years old, and then twenty minutes into the future you’d be introduced to your son by that person, who would have turned out to be your grandfather. They gave us all little booklets to keep track of the paradoxes, but it all got terribly confusing.

Meanwhile, catering was supplied by Orcs, who were experimenting with a delicious cuisine, which they called “Baby, the other white meat.” But I never got a handle on baby whats? Still, I have some lovely recipes.

Atlanta turned out to be a very quiet city by American terms, while I was there only four airliners crashed into buildings, a threatened nuclear bomb turned out to be an escaped breast implant, and people were so laid back you could walk completely through a crack house gang war without being hit.

I met many fine people there, including Saddam Hussein. We shared a ride on a Gray ship together, and later I helped judge his breast implants. Space Ghost was there, as was Hawkman and a Predator, Captain Jack in various incarnations visited. Captain Hook arrived, but by unlucky coincidence, the alligator was seated next to him at the banquet… major social faux pas. Bill Bennet was present with a Los Vegas Bodybuilder dominatrix, while Newt Gingrich showed up with his new love, Boy George. James Marsters and *both* his nipples showed up, that was a close one because in the heat of negotiations, one of the nipples was threatening to pull out.

There were many wonderful tracks of programming. I missed most of it, but I did manage to attend at the Open Heart Surgery program and we all had a good laugh poking the open chest cavity. The eraserhead seminar turned out to be a little too literal. And several people were permanently lost when the stargate panel erected a working replica.

The art show was also impressive, especially the various paintings and drawings which turned out to be portals to alternate realities. People were constantly being sucked into and spit out of various hell dimensions, so much so that the convention provided free towels and Q-tips to get the slime out of our ears.

Overall, I would definitely go again.