Belly up to the bar, Drinks are on me!
Thanks, Superhuman!!! I feel so much better now! (disappears momentarily into the little girls’ room, to re-arrange her flowing locks, and to make sure her make-up isn’t clownish. steps back out into the throng, and strides towards the karaoke machine. not normally one to do such things, she wants to make sure her very first public performance is memorable, and that everyone wants a signed photograph afterwards…)
hand me the mic…testing (ahem) tonight i’ve got a real treat for you guys. it’s one of my favourites from many years ago, and i’m sure by the time i’ve finished with it, it’ll be one of your favourites too. take it away, mr. karaoke maestro, sir..
(opening bars)
It’s that time of year
Now that Spring is in the air
When those Two wet gits
With the girly curly hair
Make another song for moronic holidays
That nauseate-ate-ate-ates
In a million different ways
From the shores of Spain, to the coast of Southern France
No matter where you hide, you just can’t escape this dance..
CHORUS
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a Jumbo jet, and then bury all your clothes
Paint your left Knee green
Then extract your wisdom teeth
Form a string quartet
And pretend your name is Keith
Skin yourself alive, learn to speak Arapahoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an Eskimo
Eat a Renault Four
Wear salami in your ears
Casserole your Gran
Disembowel yourself with spears
The disco is vibrating
The sound is loud and grating
It’s truly nauseating
Let’s do the dance again…
CHORUS
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Yes, you’ll hear this song
In the holiday discos
And there’s no escape
In the clubs or in the bars
You would hear this song
If you holidayed in Mars
Skin yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapohoe
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Now you’ve heard it once
Your brain will spring a leak
And tho’ you hate this song
You’ll be humming it for weeks…
Hold a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes…
—-
I thank you! (takes a bow. looks around the assembled crowd, trying to figure out from the stunned looks on people’s faces, if anyone is actually going to applaud) Errmm..anyone want an encore????