List Of Things Not To Do Before Going To Bed
IT was a typical day on Babylon 5. At least, it would be, if not for the fact that Sheridan had been hogging the bathroom for an hour.
Delenn was starting to get worried. She could hear him in there, showering and singing to himself. The tune was something that seemed slightly appropriate, though. It was ‘Singing In The Rain,’ and Sheridan seemed to be having a ball singing it.
That was only half of what worried Delenn, though; the other half was that he was now out of the shower singing ‘Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This,’ and she needed a shower. It would be most undignified for a Minbari of her position to go sauntering around with B.O.
Just then the door to the bathroom opened and Sheridan emerged.
“Delenn, do you think this suits me? I do.” Sheridan asked, twirling around in Delenn’s pink dress, green panty-hose, black high heels and a blonde wig.
“John, what are you doing?” Delenn gasped, shocked.
“Going to a formal meeting.” Sheridan replied, walking out of the room.
Delenn stared after him and decided that maybe he WAS working for the Shadows; he’d been acting strange ever since his return to life, from Z’Ha’Dum.
But what the heck was she going to wear while he wore her dress?
It had been a most enlightening evening, Sheridan decided. After everyone had stopped laughing at him – he couldn’t figure out why, it was a nice and SENSIBLE outfit to wear to a meeting – they’d talked business. Then laughed then talked. On and on it went. Blah blah blah blah blah. At least they’d actually AGREED on something, Sheridan thought, thinking about Londo and G’Kar. Londo had agreed to give G’Kar Quadrant 36 if G’Kar managed to get Sheridan out of there.
Sheridan sucked on his giant, multi-coloured lollipop thoughtfully and played with the plaits that stuck out sideways on his new wig.
Something touched his knee. Sheridan stood up and caused the hamster to fall off his lap onto the ground.
Sheridan looked down at the fluffy hamster with it’s bright blue eyes and bright orange fur. Suddenly, without warning, Sheridan felt a stinging pain in his back. He fell to his knees. As the room was going black, the last thing he saw was a fluffy orange hamster and another orange hamster in yellow armour with a hot pink bazooka.
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Zack sighed. It had been two days since the hamsters had taken over, killed Sheridan – which came as something of a relief – and Delenn had committed suicide. That wasn’t really the problem, though. He was stuck in a lift. With Lyta. And he’d been stuck in the lift for two hours now. Quite frankly, he thought, he was beginning to want to tell Lyta how much he loved her. It was a hazard. He stayed around Lyta for too long and he really became convinced that he should tell her how he felt and that it would be a good idea.
Lyta looked at Zack. She knew what he was thinking. It was really plain. She was even trying to block out the thoughts using all her telepathic ability – and that was very strong – and it wasn’t working. Well, she loved him too. But she wasn’t admitting it first.
“What? Marry him?” Ivanova exclaimed. “But… I’m gay! I can’t marry him!”
“You have to. We are obsessed with marriage and you will marry him.” Dork, leader of the space hamsters, told her. “We have already arranged the wedding.”
“Yes, it’s a tradition. You must marry.” Geek, Dork’s lieutenant, chipped in.
“I don’t care! I don’t want to marry Morden!” Ivanova wailed. “He’s evil!”
“Every person on this ship has been through a personality test. He is right for you.” Dork said.
“No he isn’t!”
“Yes, he is. The wedding will start in an hour. Geek’s wife, Geekess, will take you for a fitting for your wedding tuxedo.”
“Tuxedo?”
“Oh yes. Women look so much better in tuxedos and men look better in dresses, don’t you think?” Dork said pleasantly., rubbing his paws together.
“NO!”
Morden was in the Mutai. He’d decided that if he could do kung fu, he could be in the Mutai. The only problem was this new law that the space hamsters had recently told everyone about. It was really annoying.
He turned to face his opponent, making sure his blue fluffy wedding dress wasn’t crinkled.
His opponent’s face was lit up, desperately trying not to laugh at this strange guy. Suddenly, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He fell to the floor, bright pink, laughing hard.
Morden knew it was a bad outfit for fighting, after all, a kaftan would have been more sensible, but there was no need for THIS sort of behaviour. It was the law, after all. Men had to wear dresses. Obviously, no one in the Mutai had listened to the new law. He had to remember to report them for that. It was seemingly futile to try and beat his opponent up right now. Futile, perhaps, because the Mutai hadn’t started yet and his opponent was still laughing his head off and there wasn’t a lot Morden could do about that. He couldn’t even sic the Shadows onto his opponent, because the space hamsters had fried the Shadows. Then they’d told him to get married to Ivanova. He’d complained about that, but they’d dragged him off to get measurements for his wedding dress.
He was in the Mutai because he wanted to be in the Mutai and also because he was sure that the hamsters would respect the privacy of the Mutai and not come after him to drag him off to his wedding.
There was a polite tap on his ankle. He looked down. It was that hamster called Geek.
“It’s your wedding time.” Geek beamed.
Morden grimaced. What a bad day. He hoped it was just a bad dream.
“And I think you’re wonderful and I’d like to marry you.” Zack finished. He looked at his prospective bride and found that she was asleep. “What? I’ve just wasted twenty-nine thousand, four hundred and twenty verses of love poetry and an entire speech about love and marriage and YOU’RE ASLEEP? This is not fair!”
Zack sat down next to Lyta, who was snoring horrifically.
There was a man wearing a silk white wedding dress and he was standing three feet away from Ivanova, who wore a bright yellow tuxedo. The priest turned to the unhappy couple.
“Which one is the groom?”
Ivanova cleared her throat and stepped up.
“I am,” she replied. “The hamsters are making everyone do gender reversals.”
“I know.” The priest said. “Look, they made ME wear a bright blue mini-skirt and a halter top!”
Morden then cleared his throat and said; “Has the cake arrived?”
“No, the cake has not arrived yet. Instead, we are having a traditional Narn meal called dim sim.”
“I can’t eat that.” Morden said.
“Why not?” The mini-skirted priest asked curiously.
“I’m allergic to cat.” Morden lied. He was REALLY allergic to the vegetables they put in it.
“Oh well.” The priest shrugged, then grabbed his Bible and started reading. “As we walk through the valley of – no, that’s wrong. Let me see where the proper verse is…”
“Just get on with it!” Geek hissed.
The priest looked at his ankle, where Geek was clinging on to his sock.
“Oh, um, right. I can’t remember it exactly.” He said. He turned to Ivanova and Morden. “Do you two want to get married?”
“NO!” They both yelled.
“Um. I now pronounce you husband and wife. I’m leaving now.” The priest finished, rather anti-climatically, escaping back to his room.
“Can I get out of here now?” Ivanova asked. “I’m supposed to be on duty.” [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]images/smiles/icon_eek.gif[/img]