Posted 1st January 1970 by DalekTek790

new lexx cont’d

15th February 2002 at 12:01 am #51655

Participant

Okay, I’ll take some time out of my busy day to continue the story.

By the way, If that thing you were describing was supposed to be a Dalek, I should point out that Daleks are neither robots nor lumbering. Daleks are tentacled green mutants that live inside 1.5 meter tall armored mechanical transports that look like this:

[img]http://www.dalekchess.org/RenegadeDalek.jpg[/img]

Dalek machines have no legs (with the exception of the rare Spider Daleks), but rather glide along even surfaces on a magnetized base. As its name would suggest, DalekTek790 utilizes the basic Dalek chassis (maybe sometime I’ll send you a picture of DalekTek790).

——————

[b]Hypatia and Squish discover an important clue[/b]

“Are you sure this Doctor person can help us?” Squish asked his companion. “I mean, he must be 750 years old, are you sure he still has his wits?”
“He may not be as sharp as he used to be,” Hypatia replied, “but he’s one of the greatest minds in the Universe. Trust me.”
“I suppose you know him better than I do.”
“Just let me do the talking, and don’t make any sudden moves.”

[b]Later, in the Inner Sanctum on Gallifrey[/b]

[img]http://www.shillpages.com/dw/pertwj22.jpg[/img]

“Can you tell us something about the Daleks, Doctor?” Hypatia asked the Ogygian Time Lord.
“The Daleks,” the Doctor paused for a second, lost in thought. “I had never heard of the Daleks before I encountered them for the first time on their home planet of Skaro. It was a dead planet, with petrified forests, radioactive swamps, and some metal monster statue thing, we never really figured out what was up with that…”

[b]Fifteen minutes and several pints later[/b]

“…So then I said to Gorbechev, ‘I don’t care what you say about Oswald, I was on the grassy knoll at the time, and I saw the whole thing. And you know that Rasputin guy you thought was so neat? Well, that was me.’…”
“Is this going anywhere?” Squish finally asked, annoyed.
“…So anyway, to make a long story short, I bought the magazine.”
“That wasn’t a story!” Squish shrieked. “That was just a bunch of random anecdotes jumbled together in a haphazard and incoherent manner that has no relevance to anything.”
“That’s what they said about The Five Doctors. And look at it now!”
The angry Cluster Lizard continued. “…And it doesn’t tell us anything about the Daleks.”
“Settle down, Squishy,” Hypatia said calmly. “I’ll handle this.” She turned to the Doctor. “Now, we’re fighting DalekTek790, who has improved himself with Dalek D.N.A. Rumor has it that he has a weakness, we thought if you told us any possible weaknesses the Daleks might have, it could apply to DalekTek790.”
“Very well, Leela,” the Time lord obliged.
“I’m Hypatia.”
“Don’t talk to me like that, Leela. I don’t know much about DalekTek790, but I’ll tell you all I know about the Daleks’ weaknesses. For starters, they’ve tried to invade Earth seven times, but have been repelled each time. Or was it eight? No, seven, the Peter Cushing movies don’t count. Say, did any of you see that movie where Peter Cushing is on that island fighting Blobs, only they’re not Blobs like Blob-Blobs, they’re more like Blobs, and they have spaghetti…”
“Stop digressing, you dumb, stupid geezer!” Hypatia yelled, losing her cool.”
“Quiet, Tegan. The reason they’re always repelled is because they can’t predict how humans, or Gallifreyans, or any other race with emotions would act in a certain situation without actually thinking like them. To try to predict human behavior, they extracted what they called the Human Factor, and injected it into Daleks. Only the humanized Daleks were too human, so they revolted and caused the second Dalek Civil War, and a couple model shots later the Dalek Empire was destroyed.”
“So DalekTek790’s weakness is that he can’t comprehend human behavior?” Squish asked, trying to make sense of what the drunken, senile old alien had been saying.
“Oh, I wouldn’t call DalekTek790 a he,” the Doctor said knowingly. “It’s more of an it. Not really male or female. Like Kamelion. Kamelion was a thing, but would take on female when I asked it…”
“How can we defeat DalekTek790?” Hypatia asked.
“Did you try reversing the polarity of the neutron flow?”
“What’s a neutron flow?”
“I don’t even know anymore,” the Doctor admitted, hanging his head in shame.
“What do you know about DalekTek790?”
The Time Lord perked up. “Well, I’m mainly a Dalek expert. I only encountered DalekTek790 a couple times. It never managed to drink my essence, since I only die when the B.B.C. decides to change actors. And it never drank the essence of any of my companions, even though it had a gazillion chances. It mainly just killed blokes on space ships that had three lines before, then me and whichever companion I was travelling with would find it right as the dead bloke’s crewmates did, and they would blame us for the death and think we were spies and stowaways, so the inept guards would be guarding me, but I would escape, and when they were all running up and down corridors I would stand in an indentation and wait for one to run by, then knock them out with my Venusian akido and take their gun…”
Hypatia could see this wasn’t going anywhere productive. “Back to what you said before you degenerated into ramblings. Didn’t you think it was odd that DalekTek790 never attacked any of your companions? Aren’t they usually incredibly naïve and inept and easy targets for monsters?”
“I don’t know. I figured it was just lousy writing. The same reason why my companions can trip over the only rock on a planet and twist their ankle, and why all guards in the universe are incompetent and have no peripheral vision, and why Daleks would charge at me screaming but not a actually shoot at me until it was too late…”
“Okay, this is all fascinating…” Hypatia began.
“Now I suppose you want me to get you back to Alzarius?” the Doctor said, forgetting again who he was talking to.
“No, thank you,” Hypatia responded politely. “Is there anything else of importance you have to say?”
“Klokleda partha menin klatch, haroon, haroon, harooon.”
“I think we should go,” Hypatia said to Squish.