Introduction
This story began as a conversation held on the Lexx.com message board between Nursewhen and Streudel. It then turned into a sketch. Then they were joined by Fourthof5 and Uber_Vixen and it turned into a marathon 4 author piece of fan fiction. From little acorns…

It begins with Nursewhen stating that though she’s a rabid Stan fan, she’s not actually intending to go to Canada in pursuit of her favourite actor. This disappoints Streudel as she’s rather eager to test her new invention, the Acme Divine Assassin 3000 (The latest development to come out of Acme labs reclusive actor hunting division) which she designed for the (fictional) pursuit of her favourite actor.
(Names have been changed to protect the talented).

00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When

Streudel
Damn, I was hoping to see if that MM tranquilliser would work on BD as well. If you change your mind and decide to do some in the field research for me, the Assassinator is already locked and loaded.

Nursewhen
Oh well! If it’s RESEARCH! Hand it over

*Click, twist, twist twist* Streudel Patented MM tranquilliser(soothing combo of Becks, nicotine and hash oil) cartridge fitted.

*Kerchunk click* OK, loaded, safety off
*Zip, snap, thrup thrup* Utility belt on. KY, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a plunger on a rope. Check.
Rocket powered roller skates. Check.
Man sized butterfly net. Check.
Calamari for bait. Check.

OK. I’m ready.
*Rattle, rattle, shakes piggy bank*
14p and a button. Hell. I’m going to have to walk!

Nursewhen
OK folks, Streudel has despatched me on a Dempsey seek, locate and acquire mission in order to field test her Acme Divine Assassinator 3000 reclusive actor hunting system. Unfortunately, lack of funds require me to walk to Canada.

*Deep-sea diving suit. Check.
Lead lined boots. Check.
Bacon sandwich. Check.*

I shall be needing all the help I can get upon arrival and I hope all you good Canadians will give me a warm welcome as I struggle up the shores of Nova Scotia (In about 8 months time.)

So I bow to your greater knowledge of Lexx fandom and ask for your help.
What would be the best strategy? Leaping from roof to roof? Or hanging around in bars? What would be the best bait? In my extensive research (about 4 minutes on Google), the only foodstuff I have found mention of is calamari (which is fortunate as I shall probably acquire large quantities of it on my trip.) Is there bait that would be better?

Due to the legendary accessibility of Mr Dempsey to his fans, I have decided to increase the thrill and excitement of the chase by handicapping myself with a pair of googly spectacles and high-heeled shoes, 4 sizes too small, worn on the wrong feet. I shall also be carrying maps of Paraguay.
Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.

Streudel
First let me say, Agent Nursewhen, I knew you were the right person for the job when I saw that you are a master of disguise in the ‘What Do You Look Like thread’. BD won’t know what hit him.

I have submitted your mission plan to the fine folks at Acme, and they are impressed with your resourcefulness. However, they believe traipsing across the wilds of Canada in a pair of size 4 high heels on the wrong feet could endanger their operative, so they have put their heads together and come up with their latest triumph in actor retrieval technology…the Lexx-us Droolmobile.

Utilizing the latest stealth technology, the Droolmobile appears to the casual observer to be a broken down Yugo, enticing the kind hearted BD to stop for a Paraguayan tourist in distress. It’s not until he sees the standard drool bucket seats that Mr.Dempsey will realise your ulterior motive. That’s when the Droolmobile most impressive feature gets to shine.

The actor proximity detector alerts the Acme drone arms of the subject’s attempt to flee. ( Leave it to the fine folks at Acme to find a use for half a jillion preowned drone arms and the car from MIB ). With the Droolmobile, you’ll quickly have the situation in hand.

Oh, BTW, don’t press the red button marked CATAPULT. It seems that weapon still has some bugs to work out. In lab testing, they discovered the mechanism won’t work until you get out of the car to see what’s wrong, at which time, the car does a 360 and lands on your head. You can ask the Coyote about this one…a bicycle pump might remedy your 2 dimensional state of being, but it sure as hell won’t take away the soreness you’ll feel the next morning.

So be careful, and good luck! We anxiously await your next progress report.

Chief Streudel out…

Nursewhen
*kkkkkcccchchhgg* *kkkkcchhkkkg* Hello? Hello? *KKKKCcchchchhhgg*

This is agent When urgently requesting assistance from Chief Streudel! The project Dempsey, seek, locate, acquire mission has made an inauspicious beginning and Agent When regrets to report that she is currently languishing in a holding cell of a Birmingham police station where the Lexx-us Droolmobile has been impounded.

It started with the Acme priority, emergency air drop of one Lexx-us Droolmobile. Unfortunately, the Acme Guaranteed, Anywhere Anytime parachute failed at the last minute, causing it to crash through the roof of Agent When’s house and land on her bed. This in turn jettisoned your most enthusiastic agent through the window and into her front garden where she landed, wearing little more than a pair of bed socks and a rather startled expression.

Fortunately, she landed on the inflatable Tweedle doll, so there are no injuries to report. Unfortunately, the Tweedle doll sprung a leak and flew maniacally around the local area making the most outrageous farting noises which alerted the entire neighbourhood and several small dogs to Agent When’s plight.

The police were quite sympathetic at first and the fire brigade assisted agent When’s re-entry into her home. However, upon finding the Divine Assassin 3000 and several maps of Paraguay, they became unaccountably suspicious and started asking awkward questions.

Upon being told that agent When’s proposed place of residence was going to be the bottom of the Atlantic ocean for the next 8 months, they uttered the immortal words ‘Nobody likes a smart arse’ and agent When was manhandled through the door and hurled into the back of their Black Maria.

Agent When therefore requests that Chief Streudel once again contact the operatives at Acme and find some way of springing her from this cell. (Dropping another Lexx-us Droolmobile onto the roof would probably do it.) Once out, Agent When will be able to recover the Lexx-us Droolmobile and activate the Acme drone arms to remove the handcuffs and straightjacket.

Unfortunately, provisions are also running low. The bacon sandwich had to be sacrificed to distract the police spaniel which was paying too much attention to the Streudel Patented MM tranquilliser (soothing combo of Becks, nicotine and hash oil ) cartridge.

I repeat, this is Agent When urgently requesting further orders and assistance. Over and out.

Fourthof5
*Fourthof5 intercepts the transmission and re-routes it into space.
Chief Streudel never receives the message.*

Has Fourthof5 doomed the mission forever? What will happen to agent When?

Nursewhen
Fourthof5 obviously doesn’t comprehend the might and vigour of the Acme corporation. Agent When’s message is re-routed via the Acme interplanetary World Domination satellite network and a stink bomb of humungous proportions is even now rocketing its way towards Australia.

Fourthof5
“Phaaaaaark” Fourthof5 exclaims and runs away.

Oh oh. Will Fourthof5 still be able to sabotage the mission? Or will the phenomenal reek of the Nursewhen stinkbomb thwart his evil plans?

Nursewhen
When that SBD lands, Fourthof5 is going to wish he’d never been BORN!!

(Of course that is an Acme Universal Guaranteed SuperReeker (pat pend) SBD.
Nursewhen’s own are SBL. (L = lavender)).

Fourthof5
*Fourthof5 makes a few calls and ends up with a number to Evil Geniuses Global or E.G.G.*

EGG “Hello.”

4 “I have a problem.”

EGG “What is it?”

4 “I have an inbound SBD.”

EGG “Phaaaark!!! You’re in a bit of trouble then aren’t you.”

4 “I know that! I want some form of protection, something to stop the fusion of stink into my DNA.”

EGG “Well we do have a peg”

4 “A Peg!!! What the hell good is that!”

EGG “It holds up your washing and as a bonus you can put it on your nose. Though, to be honest, that isn’t going to help much. Hold on. We do have a bio-suit that will absorb the agent and then dissolve.”

4 “Great! I will take one.”

EGG “Yeah, that’s a bit of problem. You see, the suites are made in Canada. It will take time for it to arrive. As this is an emergency I will push the order through.”

4 “Great. Thanks.”

*Fourthof5 hangs up the phone*

Will the suit arrive in time? or will the inbound SBD mean the end of Fourthof5. Stay Tuned.

Uber_Vixen
Meanwhile in Oz…

Vixen starts a media campaign to sully Fourthof5’s good name and posts his name and address on the internet as a cover for her construction of an underground city, spanning the size of the Australian continent. Feel free to enact any revenge you may so wish.

“Fourthof5: Responsible for the Impending Stink”

Vixen hides in the bunker-city with all the non-stink-causing people and animals and bars all the doors.
Good luck surface dwellers! I’d say you other countries should expect some sort of fallout. We’ll find the least smelly country and burrow through to meet you there.

Fourthof5
*4 is pacing around the room. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. A posty gives him a package and 4 signs for it. Unfortunately the posty had been watching the news and had seen Uber_Vixens broadcasts*

“Hey you’re that arsehole who is responsible for the SBD” with that the posty punches 4 in the eye. 4 hurriedly closes the door on a now yelling posty.

4 looks at the package which says bio-suit product of EGG.

“All Right!!” says Four and punches the air in triumph.

He opens up the box to reveal the bio-suit which has a little note stating that this is the bio-suit 2 which does not dissolve and will protect against all smells for years as long as you wear it.
4 lifts out the suite and inspects it.

It is a red jump suite with a separate red cap.

4 notes the efficiency of the EGG team as the cap and suit both have a monogrammed “4” on them, as well as an id tag stating that the suit has 4th class security guard treatment.
4 puts on the suit, and wanders over to Uber_Vixen’s place. For some reason the suit also seems to make him desperate for women.

He knocks at the door, Uber_Vixen opens the door and 4 walks in.

Will the suit make 4 a babe magnet as well as protect him from the SBD? or will Uber_Vixen toss him out ?

Streudel
When we last saw our valiant heroes…

Agent Vixen was being paid a visit by one of EGG’s most fiendish super agents, Fourthof5. In the guise of one Stanley H. Tweedle, the arch villain Fourth gained entry to the Vixen Vault.

Will Agent Vixen be snared unawares in a diabolical Tweedletrap, left with EGG (agent) on her face? Or will Agent Vixen turn the tables on the Security Guard Class Faux?

And what of our daring Agent When? When we last tuned in, our plucky heroine was in dire straits, indeed. Apprehended by the Birmingham Police, her Droolmobile and Assassinator impounded, and her bacon sandwich pilfered by a police spaniel, the ever-resourceful Agent When managed to send an urgent message to Acme headquarters. But due to the intervention of the dastardly Agent Fourth, the message was delayed, and Acme had no choice but to fire the dreaded SBD, a bomb packed with more stomach turning stench than episodes of Crossing Over With John Edwards and Scare Tactics combined.

Unbeknownst to Agent When, the Birmingham police are actually undercover EGG agents, and she is being held at EGG HQ. The organisation is hoping to retrieve her intelligence on Bryn Dempsey’s whereabouts.

But what could a co-op of evil geniuses want with our beloved BD? Could there be more to the affable actor than meets the eye? Will Agent When discover the motive behind EGG’s plot to capture BD? Will she uncover BD’s secret identity and come to his rescue? Or will EGG poach When’s secrets before help can arrive?

Speaking of help, where is Chief Streudel during this dark hour, when her agents are in peril, and all hope seems lost?
In a rustic cabin in the wilds of Canada watching midget porn to pass the time. Chief Streudel had received a communique from the head of Acme to rendezvous there with Agent When upon When’s acquisition of BD.

Little did she realise as she slid out of her clothing and into the
freezing cold shower that the most wickedly clever trap yet had already been set for her. Having thoroughly exhausted herself watching Midgets Gone Wild At Spring Break, Streudel opted to just quickly rinse the sweat from her voluptuous body and long brown tresses, then retire for a short catnap.

Worry played at the edges of her mind as she drifted off. When’s taking her sweet old time getting BD here…Why hasn’t she at least checked in? Then Streudel chuckled to herself…Heheheh…She’s probably just taking the scenic route…Hope all that shaking doesn’t set off the Droolmobile’s faulty catapult.

She had scarcely reached REM when something disturbed her slumber. A sensation…vague…a not unpleasant feeling…her hazy mind clawed for consciousness…warm…wet…a tongue, teasing and tickling her ear…hot breath raising every hair on her body like a frightened kitten.
In her twilight dream state, she failed to ( or didn’t want to ) realise she wasn’t in her comfy bed at home with a frisky Mr.Streudel draped on top of her. She opened her mouth to utter something extremely filthy and unprintable when a moist supple mouth muffled her thought. A questing tongue effectively
silenced any follow up thoughts she might’ve had. She began to moan out her approval when a sound snared her attention.

” Streudel! ” The familiar sound of Agent When’s English accent instantly snapped Streudel back to reality. Her eyes flew open as she pushed the intruder’s head away.

” When! Where ya been?…Where’s Bryn? ” Streudel sputtered out as her vision focused, and she made out the figure of Agent When. She was alone, wearing nothing but the shredded remnants of a straight jacket and handcuffs dangling from one wrist, with the Divine Assassinator 3000 pointed at the intruder’s head. When reared back and struck the man a mighty blow that sent him skidding across the floor.

” Get your clothes on Streudel, we got work to do! Bryn needs us!…so does the free world”.

When aimed the Assassinator at the crumpled figure on the floor and fired a dart right into the intruder’s fleshy flanks. The intruder raised his head into view, revealing a quite familiar countenance. A pair of hazel eyes twinkled evilly before swirling into pools of obsidian.
His full upper lip curled into a demented sneer. A rumbling, demonic, baritone laugh seemed to fill the room. He furrowed his brow and trained his stare on the women, contorting his face into a luscious pout, complete with jaw quiver.

Streudel swayed precariously like a 10 pin in a California bowling alley. Fortunately, Agent When was impervious to the attack. Judging by the froth spilling from Streudel’s lip like a Guinness in a drunk’s hand at 1am, Agent When knew she had to act fast.

WHACK!!! She pimpslapped Streudel in the back of the head.

“Get your bloody brain out yer damn knickers, woman! ” When bellowed.

When Streudel’s eyes stopped spinning like a slot machine, she turned to the sound of a brace screech in time to see the intruder disappear through the skylight.

“Grab your kit and let’s go! I’ll brief you on the way…Hurry, Bryn’s in danger, and the Droolmobile can only do 40 MPH now. Plus, it only makes left turns.” When said excitedly as she flew out the house and vaulted into the Droolmobile.

“Oh, and grab me a sandwich on your way out, a police dog stole mine while I was in jail. ” When added.

” Huh?! ” Streudel scratched her head. This should be an interesting briefing…

Will Agent When and Chief Streudel be able to find BD in time?! Was the evil MM a clone, McMandroid, a carrot infested actor, or just a lousy plot device to reel in Kai droolers to this thread?! And what of Agent Vixen and the SBD? Most importantly, will Agent When ever get to eat her bacon sandwich?! All these questions answered and more on the next exciting instalment of 00911/ The Misadventures of Agent When!!!

Uber_Vixen
Vixen admits Fourthof5 in through the entrance or her underground lair, flanked by yellow haired, yellow wearing guards carrying menacing blak packs. She wears an corset of pale blue, and blue fabric drapes over her legs.

“Welcome, traitor and arch heretic to the Austral – A. How fitting of you to blindly walk into your doom. Did you think we would let you get away with destroying our homeland?”

Vixen’s gaze flits mournfully to a brown instrument at her wrist. She laughs maniacally when she sees the 4 embroidered into Fourthof5’s red cap. Vixen’s laughter trails off as a tall man with white hair and a lip ring steps forward into view.

“Welcome Fourthof5,” the man says gently, before smiling deviously. “And you thought the stink bomb was bad. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can imagine what we will do to you…”

The guards sweep in closely, enveloping Fourthof5 with dangerous precision…

Fourthof5
Fourthof5 is in trouble

4th looks around him, and decides that there is only one real course of action. He lunges forward and grabs Uber_Vixen pulling her close to him. The security guards lift their blak packs to fire but Uber_Vixen screams out “wait! You will hit me.”

“Interesting” interjects Prince, “this is not a choice I would have thought you would make, and I must admit that I do not like it one bit.”

4th starts moving back towards the door, keeping Uber_Vixen between himself and the blak pack guards.

Suddenly the door bursts open and 4th and Uber_Vixen are knocked to the ground by a Crack EGG team. 4th and Uber_Vixen hear a barrage of blak pack fire and then all goes silent. 4th look up to see that the only people left in the room are himself and Uber_Vixen. 4th secretly thinks that this sequence of events seems very familiar 4th gets up and gives Uber_Vixen a hand up.

“Man these EGG guys are good. I didn’t even call for backup.”

“You idiot, 4th.” Says Uber_Vixen. “They were here to get me.”

“And they have succeeded too.” Says 4th, as he leads her not out into the street but down. Down into the underground city that Uber_Vixen was constructing.

“Wait a minute” Says Uber_Vixen, “Why are we going this way?”

“You didn’t think that you could build this without EGG knowing about it did you.”

4th leads her through a maze of corridors and caverns before entering the head quarters of EGG (Australasian division). There she is placed in a cell where she awaits interrogation on the whereabouts of Nursewhen and chief Streudel as well as the overall plans for the duo.

What is the ultimate fate of Uber_Vixen? What will EGG learn and what will be agent Fourthof5’s next mission?

Nursewhen
Agent when drums her fingers on the dashboard of the Lexx-us Droolmobile as Chief Streudel struggles out of the rustic cabin. There’s the squeak of rubber.

“For heavens sake! Chief Streudel!” cries agent When. “MUST you bring your inflatable MM doll with you? It won’t fit!”

“Just a little more” gasps Chief Streudel as she tries to push the doll through the passenger door. Agent When’s face is pressed up against the window and she gasps for breath as her mouth is enveloped by rabid ferret hairdo.

“Well can’t you at least deflate it?” She gasps.

“No, no!” cries Chief Streudel, “I like him good and firm!”

Agent When reaches over and pulls the stopper out of the valve. The doll deflates with a sigh and crumples. Chief Streudel lets out a shriek of horror.

“Never mind that!” Agent When shouts over the gibbering and crying. “Just think of all the fun you’ll have blowing it up again.

*THUD*

Agent When rolls her eyes and pulls chief Streudel’s inert body into the drool bucket seat next to her and slaps her awake.

“Come on, Bryn’s in danger!”

“Why is he in danger?” asks the groggy Chief Streudel

“Didn’t you get any of my briefings? Emergency updates? My requests for assistance? The description of my 8 month journey?” Chief Streudel shakes her head.

“Damn that perfidious Fourthof5!” Cries Agent When. “I hope Agent Uber_Vixen does for him good and proper! Bryn’s in danger because he has the key.”

“What key”

“The key to the Lexx of course.”

“But…but, it’s just a show!”

“Honestly Chief Streudel! What planet have you been on?”

“But…but, it ended with series 4!”

“You’ve been watching too much midget porn! It’s run to series 5 and THIS IS IT! MM has been cloned and biogenetically enhanced to make him ultra attractive to women.
Haven’t you ever wondered that maybe he’s just a bit TOO attractive? Hasn’t it ever crossed your mind as odd that the only woman in the two Universes who is resistant to his charms is me? How every single thread, be it Zev drooling, Stan drooling or discussions about the weather ALWAYS ultimately turn into Kai drools? Don’t you recognise incipient world domination when you see it?”

“No, No!” cries Chief Streudel as she chews the dashboard in her distress.

“The clone is the most powerful destructive weapon in the two Universes, apart form the Lexx. It can wipe out opposition in a moment.”

“How does it do that?” Asks chief Streudel.

“Let me demonstrate.”

“Kai, thighs, MM, lips.”

*THUD*

“See what I mean? That’s why we have to get to Bryn first. We have to get him into Agent Uber_Vixen’s tunnel where he’ll be safe.”

“Why doesn’t it work on you though?” Asks Chief Streudel.

“Because I too have been biogenetically enhanced. I am the anti Kai and my number is 00911.”

“You’re right, we must save Bryn and the original MM.”

“Yes, indeed. The original MM is a brave man, he’s been in hiding for years because he knew that EGG were going to try and clone him. They must have got to him somehow. We must save him too.”

“Alright!” Cries Chief Streudel as she punches the air, “Let’s go!”

Uber_Vixen
Vixen smirks slightly as she is dragged down the tunnels by Fourthof5, but he does not notice. After being placed in the EGG interrogation cell she watches Fourthof5 leave while tapping her fingers against the table. Left alone in her cell but for a lone guard she wonders what keeps her Prince.

He’d better not be trying to pick up some blonde pouty bint again… To think Fourthof5 thought that had finished off my Prince. Ha! And he didn’t even stop to wonder why I wasn’t bound.

Vixen smiles at the guard in the room and gives him a slight nod. The guard nods back and leaves. After a time a high ranking military man enters the room and sits across the table from her. He places a folder before her and flips it open. Inside are pictures of agents When and Streudel and detailed schematics of the Droolmobile, Assasinator 3000, midget porn and a plethora of strange looking gadgets by a company called “Acme”. Underneath that she notes a picture of a pale man dressed in black with what seems almost like a rabid ferret hairdo… It is all she can do to stop from drooling.

Thighs, lips, mmmmm…

The seated man coughs and she tears her eyes away from the picture. “I hope everything is going as planned.”

“Yes, of course, Fourthof5 doesn’t suspect a thing. Prince will rejoin me soon and we will take care of this matter once and for all.”

“And the…agents?”

The man eyes the picture carefully, a certain softness in his eyes as he gazes at the two women.

“They may do as they will. We have no agenda concerning them…as yet. And they do not suspect either. If they seek sanctuary here, welcome them in. They may bring us the very thing we seek. Although…the man in black. He holds much power, and dayum, those lips! Ahem. We will look into him of course. What news of Bryn?”

“He still resists. We will find him, but he is being extremely elusive.”

“We will have the key. Even if I must find means of taking it from him myself. Or…”

Vixen eyes the picture of AgentWhen thoughtfully. The military man rises and salutes as if in understanding.

“Take care of Fourthof5. Lock him in a cell with Fifi. And make sure he does not know who I ally myself with. I have put too much work into hiding my position in the EGG for it to be blown on a man of the fourth!”

“Yes commander!”

The officer departs and Vixen is left in thought.

My plan must go ahead. I must have the key and the man in black must not usurp my Prince’s reign, no matter the plot holes! (Wish I’d seen this guy in black before I went and chose sides). *Drool*

Nursewhen
*Chief Streudel is being briefed by agent When in the Lexx-us Droolmobile*

“Yes, indeed. The original MM is a brave man, he’s been in hiding for years because he knew that EGG were going to try and clone him. They must have got to him somehow. We must save him too.”

“Alright!” Cries Chief Streudel as she punches the air, “Let’s go!”

Agent When and Chief Streudel snap their shades on, Thelma and Louise style. Agent When puts the Lexx-us Droolmobile in gear and burns rubber.

“Chief Streudel, may I ask that you don’t try to reinflate the MM doll while I’m driving?’

“Pfffoooof! Pffoooof! Pfffooff!”

Agent When snatches the doll from Chief Streudel’s hands, deflates it and shoves it into the Acme all purpose oubliette tool box.

“I’m sorry! Gasps chief Streudel. “I just can’t help myself.”

“Chief Streudel, you need to know what we’re up against.”

“I know what I want to be up against” replies Chief Streudel dreamily.

“Despite being biogenetically engineered, I have one terrible flaw. What is worse, EGG have identified that flaw and have despatched an agent to thwart me.”

“You have a weakness?” Cries chief Streudel in horror.

“Yes, you’re going to have to help me. It involves red jump suits.”

“Oh no! Red jump suits! Hats with a 4 on them! Grey/blue eyes!”

*THUD*

Chief Streudel grabs the steering wheel as the Lexx-us Droolmobile veers across the road. “Whoo, you’ve got it BAD!” exclaims chief Streudel.

“That’s ripe coming from you!” Exclaims Agent When as she comes round and snaps the Acme all purpose oubliette tool box closed on Chief Streudel’s questing fingers.

“They have despatched a special agent called ‘Fourthof5’ and have dressed him in a… a… oh, I’m coming over all funny again!”

“Yes, I can guess what they’ve dressed him in.” says chief Streudel.

“Fortunately for us, in the way of all evil geniuses, they’ve managed to despatch him to the wrong continent. Even better, he’s walked into a trap set for him by our most valiant, most trusted and most loyal agent, Uber_Vixen.” Agent When snickers to herself as she contemplates Fourthof5’s fate.

“However, there’s another agent called Prince and to be honest, I’m not sure, he may be a double agent. I have total faith in Uber_Vixen though.
In the meantime, I think you should listen to the taped recordings of my travels and the intelligence I have gathered on the way.”

Agent When puts a tape into the Acme UltraBoomBoom Sound box RaRa Player.

“This tape will self destruct in 1 second”

*CRUMP*

Chief Streudel regards Agent When through a six inch layer of soot and rolls her eyes.

“Sorry, wrong tape.” Agent When places another tape in the Acme UltraBoomBoom Sound box RaRa Player.

What exciting tales does agent When have recorded on her tapes? Will Chief Streudel manage to contain herself and not re-inflate the MM doll. Will Uber_Vixen succeed in her hidden agenda? What will become of agent Fourthof5? Tune in for the next exciting instalment.

Streudel
Onward to Australia!!!

This tape will self-destruct in 10 sec…

*BOOM*

When and Streudel both catch the full force of the explosion as they reach simultaneously for the tape in hopes of discarding it before it explodes.

” Remind me to have a little talk with the engineering boys at Acme about inconsistent performance and quality of their products,” Agent When said
in an extremely perturbed tone as she attempted to smother the remaining embers in her hair.

” Will do, When,” Streudel replied, puffs of smoke rolling out of her mouth as she spoke.

” Wow, When, I am always impressed with your resourcefulness, but this time you’ve really outdone yourself. You not only escaped the clutches of EGG’s Birmingham branch, but you managed to steal all of their intelligence on Bryn to boot. The way you used your Acme bio-engineered vocal subprocessor to emit a tone that bent that robotic police spaniel to your will was a stroke of genius.”

” Thanks Chief” Agent When laughed to herself as she thought of what’s probably happening to the Birmingham branch EGG agents as a result of her ‘tampering’ with their robopuppy. After she used Rover to infiltrate their computer database on Bryn Dempsey, download and then delete all the files, she instructed Rover to install Windows XP as their OS. As a finishing touch, she gave Rover love slave programming as she closed the EGG HQ doors behind her. Someone’s gonna get the leg humping of a lifetime…A self satisfied grin spread over her features.

” At least now we know that EGG doesn’t know where Bryn is either. That brings us back to the problem of finding him ourselves. No one seems to know where he is except his agent, and she’s not talking. With the key of the Lexx at stake, she’s not willing to trust anyone,” said When.

Streudel looked thoughtful for a moment, then a look of inspiration lit up her visage. ” When, can you use your vocal subprocessor to program the Droolmobile’s drone arms to set their actor proximity sensors to long range scanning, and have them bring Bryn to us?!” Streudel blurted out the request out in one excited breath.

” Yes! Yes I can! ” Agent When exclaimed triumphantly. She brought the Droolmobile to a stop on the side of the road. Her mouth opened and a sound not unlike a modem issued forth. The trunk of the Droolmobile raised and from it emerged 6 drone arms. They flew in formation to the driver’s side of the vehicle. In unison, they saluted and proclaimed

” We fight for Stan! ” then flew away to execute their directive.

” Now we just wait,” When said.

” It’s late, When, why don’t you kick the seat back and try to get some rest. I’ll take the first watch. ”

” Alright. Wake me in an hour if we don’t hear from the drones first.”

Streudel clambered into the back seat.

PFFFT…PFFFTTT…PFTTTT…*pant, pant* PFFFT…
Next time I’m spending the cash on the self inflating model.

“Blimey, Streudel, you are an insufferable horndog…” When muttered under her breath, then closed her eyes and slipped into her favourite dream of Stan, a vat of baked beans, and a REALLY big spoon…

~~~~~~
On a remote island’s beach, Bryn Dempsey was basking in the warmth of a perfect tropical day. The intense midday sun was turning his usually pale skin a golden brown, save for the little bit of skin covered by a red Speedo with an embroidered 4 on it.
A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his sleeping form, coalescing into little beads on his forehead.
An errant bead slid down the side of his face, tickling his cheek, and rousing him from his catnap.
He wiped the sweat from his brow and reached for a coconut cup with an umbrella in it that was perched on the arm of his beach chair.
As his fingers curled around the hairy-looking orb, a hand of unknown origin grasped his wrist. His eyes travelled the length of the arm to discover a red faced drone staring back at him.

” We fight for Stan! ” the drone arm proclaimed.

Bryn’s eyes enlarged to the size of saucers as the 3 drones latched onto his remaining limbs, and lifted him off the beach chair spreadeagled. Another 2 flew up and supported his head and his ass.

” A little to the left, please,” Bryn instructed the drone arm supporting his ass as the swarm sped off with their shell-shocked passenger.

The drone arms gently set down a shivering BD next to the Droolmobile. Not knowing what else to do, Bryn knocked on the steamed up window. He could swear he heard rhythmic farting noises emanating from the vehicle. The noises stopped and the window rolled down to reveal a flushed looking Streudel with what appeared to him to be a rabid weasel.

” I know I’m going to regret asking this,” Bryn intoned in his adorable Canadian accent, ” but can you give me a ride? ”

His expression turned from apprehension to amusement as he got a closer look at the rabid weasel and recognised it to be one of those lifelike MM blow-up dolls he’d seen being hawked on the shopping channel.

” Heheheh…Let me rephrase that last request.”

” When! Wake up! He’s here! ”

” Huh…yeah…what…OH MY! ” Agent When practically floated out of the car to greet the half naked actor. She surveyed his body like Giggerota touring a meat packing plant. She extended a delicate hand and introduced herself.

“I’m When,” she breathed huskily.

” When? ” Bryn repeated as he took the proffered hand.

” Anytime! ” When purred as she used the handshake to pull herself chest to chest with BD in order to stare adoringly into his eyes.

” How ’bout right now? ” he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

*THUD*

” What’s with your friend? ” he asked.

” Stan drooler,” came the reply.

“And to think I left my towel on the beach…”

” No time for small talk, your life is in danger. EGG knows you have the Key. We’ve got to get you outta here! ”

” But how do they…how did you find out about-” Streudel cut Bryn off mid-sentence,

” I’ll explain on the way. Hop in the back seat while I wake up When. Oh, you’ll have to deflate Marcus and throw him in the trunk first.”

” No! A thousand times no! I’m not touching that thing! You take care of The last of the Brunnen-G spot. I’ll take care of When.”

” Fair enough.”

” So where are we going…um, miss? ”

” Streudel, Chief Streudel of the Acme Reclusive Actor Retrieval Division. We’re goin’ Down Under, Mr.Dempsey…”

Oh no! Are our intrepid heroes headed for a Date With Doom Down Under?! Or will the trio triumph over the unforeseen dangers that lie ahead? And what of the non-inflatable missing MM and his evil clone? What has become of them?! Answers to all these questions and more in the next thrilling instalment of 00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When!

Fourthof5
Fourthof5 looked about the cell. He had been in the cell ever since he was hit on the head by one of the guards taking him in to the outer office to meet with EGG command.

Fourthof5 had tried many ways to get out and non had worked. He had resorted to using a spoon in the hopes that he could eventually dig his way out, but that had ended after the spoon snapped on the third attempt.

On a brighter note the guards had returned his hat, which made him feel better. As he lay sleeping, he began to hear a mosquito like sound, a sound that was drawing closer and closer. Suddenly an arm poked its way through the bars and a disembodied voice said

“We fight for Stan”

Fourthof5 immediately understood what was happening. These were Standrid Drones sent in to search and retrieve BD aka ‘Stan’. They had been given an image of what Stan looked like and had homed in on the Stan like image that Fourthof5 now resembled.

“Yes! Yes! I am Stan. Can you get me out of here?”

“We fight for Stan” said one of the drones, not really being able to understand what Fourthof5 was saying. “Are you Stan?”

“Yes I am” replied Fourthof5.

“We fight for Stan” the Standrid Drones said again and ripped open the cell door, lifting Fourthof5 up and carrying him out of the underground lair of Uber_Vixen. As Fourthof5 looked down he saw Uber_Vixen standing side by side with Prince and realised that she had been in league Prince all along.

“Cya Prince cya Uber_Vixen” said Fourthof5 as he was carried away by the Standrid Drones. Uber_Vixen shouted that the guards fire their blak packs at the fleeing Fourthof5, but the Standrid Drones simply put themselves in the way.

~~~~~~~~~~

” I know I’m going to regret asking this,” Fourthof5 (Bryn) intoned in his adorable fake Canadian accent, ” but can you give me a ride? ”

His expression turned from apprehension to amusement as he got a closer look at the rabid weasel and recognised it to be one of those lifelike MM blow-up dolls he’d seen being hawked on the shopping channel.

“Heheheh…Let me rephrase that last request.”

” When! Wake up! He’s here! ”

When! When! The Standrid Drones have brought me straight to Agent When and Chief Streudel I can’t believe my luck thought Fourthof5

” Huh…yeah…what…OH MY! ” Agent When practically floated out of the car to greet the half naked actor. She surveyed his body like Giggerota touring a meat packing plant. She extended a delicate hand and introduced herself.

“I’m When,” she breathed huskily.

” When? ” Bryn repeated as he took the proffered hand.

She doesn’t know. I can’t believe my luck thought Fourthof5

” Anytime! ” When purred as she used the handshake to pull herself chest to chest with BD in order to stare adoringly into his eyes.

” How ’bout right now? ” he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

*THUD*

What the… thought Fourthof5
” What’s with your friend? ” he asked.

” Stan drooler,” came the reply.

I have them. I have them both eating right out of my hand thought Fourthof5.

“And to think I left my towel on the beach…”

” No time for small talk, your life is in danger. EGG know you have the Key. We’ve got to get you outta here! ”

” But how do they…how did you find out about-” Streudel cut Bryn off mid-sentence.

” I’ll explain on the way. Hop in the back seat while I wake up When. Oh, you’ll have to deflate Marcus and throw him in the trunk first.”

” No! A thousand times no! I’m not touching that thing! You take care of The last of the Brunnen-G spot. I’ll take care of When.”

” Fair enough.”

” So where are we going…um, miss? ”

Wow. That was close. I almost called her chief Streudel. That would have given me away for sure thought Fourthof5
” Streudel, Chief Streudel of the Acme Reclusive Actor Retrieval Division. Were goin’ Down Under, Mr.Dempsey…”

Fourthof5 panicked this is not good. I can’t go back to Australia. But how can I persuade them not to go… thought Fourthof5.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have heard a rumour that there is an inbound SBD. I don’t want to be any where near that place when it goes off.” Fourthof5 said.

“We should be safe there as one of our agents, Uber_Vixen, has an underground base there.” Said Streudel.

Damn, I should have thought of that thought Fourthof5 quick, think of something Fourthof5. Use that genius brain of yours

“Uber_Vixen!!! The one that’s in league with Prince?” Fourthof5 said.

“PRINCE” both agent When and chief Streudel said at the same time. Agent When who had only just been revived promptly lapsed back into unconsciousness again.

“Yes. That is the reason that I went into hiding. I don’t want to go anywhere near them.” Said Fourthof5.

Brilliant Fourthof5. Great comeback thought Fourthof5.

“You’re right of course” Said Streudle “Where do you think we should go?”

“Newfoundland” said Fourthof5. “No one ever goes there”

What will happen to Agent When and Chief Streudel? Will Newfoundland be safe? And what will be Fourthof5’s agenda now that he has infiltrated the Droolers. Stay Tuned for the next instalment

To be continued in 00-911 The Misadventures of Agent When Part 2