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Streudel
Lyekka Vs. Canned Spam
Prince guided the chattering Moth to a less than gentle touchdown in the last unoccupied handicapped parking space of the Halifax Care Facility For Mentally Ill Actors. He had not even taken notice of the handicapped sign he’d knocked over in the process. It was as though his evil pervaded his every action, conscious or not.
The skies darkened and a soul chilling gale blew in with him, warning all of Halifax that Death had arrived, and was in a foul mood. Prince disembarked and retrieved the non-functioning 790 model robot head from the passenger seat. He strode across the parking lot, his cape whipping furiously in the sudden maelstrom.
On that curiously abrupt wind was a scent unfamiliar to the former Ruler of Fire. Prince inhaled deeply, but still could not place it. It had the distinctive pungency of death, but there was an artificiality to it. Not in the way Kai had, or used to have. No, this was different.
curiosity got the better of Prince. He tracked the mysterious essence to the StanVan. Cautiously, he peered in and discovered its source strewn about the floor of the vehicle.
” Hello. How are you today? ” Lyekka asked between mouthfuls of Spam. She was standing beside a mountain of empty Spam, potted meat, and deviled ham containers. Prince wrinkled his nose at the noxious smell emanating from the canned livestock.
” Who…are you? ” Prince asked, regarding Lyekka with a mixture of wonder and revulsion.
” I am Lyekka. I am a friend of Stanley’s. Who are you? ” Prince leaned in closely and cradled Lyekka’s chin.
” I’m Prince,” he said with a haughty air of ‘ don’t you know who I am arrogance,”…what are you? ” He tried to detect an identifying scent. ” You’re not human, are you? ”
” I am a plant…I think. I came from Stanley’s dreams. ”
Prince recoiled involuntarily. Her looks may have come from Stanley’s dreams, but her ” Spam breath ” surely must have come from one of his most hellish nightmares.
Lyekka mimicked Prince’s actions. ” You are not human, either. You do not smell yummy. Even though I am still very hungry, I will not eat you. ”
” Oh, really?…How very kind of you. ” Prince was just the slightest bit offended. To think that this strange woman would eat extruded animal gristle and cereal fillers that had been fermenting in a tin can for an undetermined length of time, yet she would deem him unfit for consumption? He found it a questionable choice indeed.
As intrigued as Prince was by the unusual creature before him, he decided to cut their interview short and attend to business. He was about to make his exit when something caught his eye. Lyekka noted his interest.
” That belongs to Stanley’s friends, ” She said, tossing aside a half eaten can of Spam. The canned ” meat ” was not sating her appetite in the least.
” May I see it? ” Prince queried politely. Lyekka nodded and Prince retrieved the Divine Assassinator 3000 from a nearby counter, where it sat between a half drunk cup of tea and a plate of neatly trimmed cucumber sandwiches. Being a curious sort, he inspected one of the cucumber sandwiches. A quick nasal appraisal lit Prince’s face up with a look of approval. He took a tentative nibble.
” Oh, bravo! Well done. I never could get a proper firm cucumber for sandwiches on Fire. Why ever would you pass these up for canned *ahem* meat? ” Prince proceed to sniff the leftover tea without waiting for an answer.
” I prefer to eat greasy, tasty humans, but my friends don’t want me to eat the patients in the hospital. So I have been eating these little canned animals. But I do not like dead things. I can not hold out much longer. ”
” YAARRGHH!” Prince exclaimed spitting the tea out. ” Who made this god-awful swill? ” he demanded to know.
” Chief Streudel made it… ” she said watching Prince wiping the taste from his tongue onto his sleeve.”…and the cucumber sandwiches.” He ceased his sleeve-licking instantaneously and his lapis blue eyes widened. He let out an audible groan.
* The first decent cucumber sandwich I’ve had in millennia and she ruins it for me. There is going to be Hell to pay for this.* he thought.
Prince took the Assassinator off the MM A La Mode ( vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream with sprinkles ) and set it to MM Tranquiliser Mode ( the Streudel patented soothing combo of Beck’s, nicotine and hash oil ).
” Lyekka, I’m headed into the hospital. What say I bring this to Chief Streudel, just in case she needs it? Better yet, I think perhaps I should… give it…to Marcus instead. After all, the Chief was ever so careless to leave a weapon like this lying about. Certainly, she can’t be trusted with it. And it could be disastrous if it were to fall into…the wrong hands. ” he let a faint smug smile cross his lips as he turned to take his leave of Lyekka.
******************************************
” You really should get yourself one of these. It’s even got a refrigerated portion for afternoon comestibles.” Agent When said with a smile.
Agent When opened a compartment on her Acme All Purpose Super Spy Utility Belt and placed Chief Streudel’s badge inside.
” Using those ” she cast her eyes towards Streudel’s bosom,” as a luggage rack is very…um,” When fought the urge to say ‘unladylike’ ” it’s…er…unAcmelike.” Agent When thought of the clone tissue still residing in there. ” Not to mention incredibly unhygenic,” she said with a disturbed look on her face.
” I’ll order one as soon as we get back to HQ,” Streudel peeked into her cleavage with one fearful eyeball. ” Or maybe sooner…ugh.”
*POP* Fourth of 5’s bedpan finally gave way to Zev’s relentless onslaught and sailed over the two Acme Agent’s heads. It struck the wall with a reverberating *CLANG* right above Xev’s head as she rounded the corner and came to a sliding stop onto the scene.
” Prince is already here and Vixen is on her way, ” she said to the group breathlessly.
Zev and Fourth exchanged looks of panic.
” Prince! ” Zev exclaimed.
” Phark! ” squeaked Fourth.
The pair came to an instantaneous unspoken truce. They both knew their only chance was to find Stan and get the Key before Prince found out how badly they had botched his plan. Zev snatched Fourth’s hand, yanked him off the floor, and the two bolted down the hall.
” Where is Stanley? ” Xev looked at MM worriedly.
When stepped forward to answer.” I’m Agent When of the Acme Reclusive Actor Retrieval Division and this is my partner Chief Streudel-”
” Ex-Chief ” Streudel corrected.
When rolled her eyes and whispered to Xev, ” You just missed her big ‘ I’m turning in my tin star ‘ moment. She can be a bit of a drama queen. Pay her no mind.” When continued, ” We left him in the basement with Jim. He was in a coma, so we had to get Jim to operate the protein regenerator.
” Xev’s eyes grew large. ” But why did you leave him alone with Jim? No matter how he changes, 790 always hates Stan. ”
Agent When stifled a ” Duh! ” She resented being spoken to like a Lexx newbie. She especially did not appreciate the intimation that she wasn’t looking out for Bryn’s best interests. But then she reminded herself that Xev didn’t know what they had gone through trying to protect Bryn, or even who her and Chief Streudel were. This tempered her answer.
” We don’t trust Jim, but we needed him. We figured since he always listens to the one he’s obsessed with, he’d keep his word to Zev and not harm Bryn. ”
” Yeah, we’ve made that mistake, too. ” Xev admitted. ” Then you didn’t know Zev is a clone working for Prince? ” she asked.
When harrumphed, ” No…You need a scorecard to keep track of all the clones and double agents running around here. It’s beginning to give me a headache…” she rubbed her temple. ”
Agent When and I would not have left Bryn if we did not have to keep Chief Streudel from getting herself killed by my clone, ” MM interjected without taking his eyes off his doppleganger.
Streudel at first looked wounded, then indignant. ” Hey, if the Dead didn’t make deals, none of us would be in- ” she began but was interrupted by Xev.
” Marcus, you’re O.K.? The last time I saw you were nuttier than a fruitcake. ” Xev looked befuddled.
” I was affected by the cloning process. However, the effect lessened over time. I have had my lucidity full time ever since I first encountered the Acme agents. I determined it was tactically sound to let everyone continue to believe I was still incoherent, as I needed to be sure of the Acme agent’s motives. I.. no longer believe… they are working for Prince… ” MM trailed off and looked quizzically at his clone, who had dropped his arms to the side.
The clones eyes were blackened as though Prince was trying to reclaim his possession. Instead of an unearthly facsimile of Prince’s British accent emanating from the clone, a different evil issued forth.
” I love y-”
” For the love of the Supreme Beans, will you kindly SHUT THE HELL UP!!! ” Agent When cried. ” I do not have, nor do I ever wish to have children because of moments like this! It’s bad enough I’m subjected to Streudel’s incessant whining for Happy Meals and her insistence on taking her ‘dollies’ along whenever we take a road road trip. I will NOT endure another SECOND of this DAMNED INFERNAL SONG FROM HELL!!! You’re supposed to be an assassin, not a bleedin’ two year old! ”
” I can not control it. ” Perhaps it was just a reflex action, one that exerted itself whenever the clone met resistance, but it appeared like he was pouting ever so slightly.
” Don’t try that pouting nonsense on me. It doesn’t work. Stiff upper lip. Let the bottom one match the top one. ” said When.
Streudel’s pride in her new found strength shone in her eyes, ” It doesn’t work on me… either…much…” Streudel’s eyes glazed over. The clone added “the quiver” to the protruding lip maneuver. ” Awww…He looks like a little lost puppy dog…” she said in a faraway voice. ”
“Streudel… ” When said in a warning tone.
Streudel’s eyes widened.” Oh sweet Jeebus, now he’s doing the Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? look, you know, the one Prince/Kai gave Xev in Gondola, right before she kicked him off the spike!” Her mouth dropped open and a tiny droplet of drool dangled precariously from her lower lip, then elogated to form a silver thread of moisture. ” Quick When, help me…I can’t fight it…”
Her face lit up with the simplistic, blissful look of a toddler.
” Can I keep him, please! I promise I’ll-” *CLANG!*
Agent When saw the dam was about to burst, and in a lightning quick reaction, she had grabbed a nearby metal tray of leftover hospital food, flinging it’s contents as she reared back to bring the tray down for a violent crash landing on her partner’s cranium. Streudel didn’t flinch. She was now transfixed by the sight of MM splattered with chocolate pudding. His twin was a bit less appetizing with soggy fish sticks and bits of overcooked carrots nestled in his bun.
” Yes, Mr.Cosby, I would like a Proto Pudding Pop…” the former Chief said dreamily.
*CLANG!CLANG!CLANG!!!*
” Sorry, When. I thought I had this thing lick-…er…beat. Damn those delectable lips! ” Streudel exclaimed in frustration.
Agent When patted her friend’s shoulder. ” One day at a time. We’ll get through this thing together. ”
” What about Stanley? ” said Xev, her irritation was obvious.
” I suggest you allow me to kill my clone so we can go search for Stanley. He has become a dangerous distraction.” MM said coldly.
The clone tilted his head and pursed his lips in contemplation of what he’d just heard. ” I do not wish to live as a mindless assassin or a slave to an evil children’s song. I request that you kill me. ” The clone began to sing the Brunnen G Battle Hymn. His face contorted in concentration, as if he was repressing the urge to lapse into the evil song that was motivating him to end his existence.
” I will do as you request. ”
*CLICK*
***************************************************
Prince squeezed his eyes tightly shut and his hands flew up to his head, causing him to drop the robot head he was carrying. He roared in agitation. Vixen ran up to him, placing her hands on his shoulders.
” My Prince?! ” she said looking into his face with concern.
His eyes snapped open. He took a deep breath and regained his placid demeanor.
” My attempts to contact the Kai clone were greeted with a continual feedback loop of a truly horrid children’s song. It is acting like a virus to his nanites. We will have to compensate for that form of resistance with the next batch of clones. Your suggestion to use Chief Streudel as a test run was most helpful. I must admit, I am impressed with her ability to find his weaknesses and exploit them. She has a genuine evil streak in her that would be a pleasure to encourage. But, she makes far too many good decisions to be worked with. It’s a pity I’ll have to kill her. ” he said.
Prince looked Vixen up and down. ” A costume befitting a Queen,” he commented, a subtle smile flitted across his countenance. Vixen clamped down hard on her elation at her Cleopatra Xev costume getting the desired effect. Her evil villainess mask never shifted despite the cartwheels she was turning on the inside.
” Vixen? ” Prince asked softly.
” Yes, my Prince? ” Vixen cooed.
” Why are you here? I can only assume Xev has escaped, and has come here to rescue her friends. Am I correct? ”
Vixen’s heart pounded but she contained the shakiness threatening to creep into her voice. ” Yes, my Prince. One of the guards apparently fell for her love slave charms and helped her escape. I had him killed before I left. ” She hoped Prince wouldn’t check up on her lie.
” Showing initiative…a trait I find quite useless in a henchperson. ” Vixen cringed internally at Prince’s disapproval. He drew within hair’s breadth of Vixen’s nose, his eyes locked on hers. ” However, it can be a useful trait in a Queen…at times. Prince came closer still and began to gently nibble Vixen’s full bottom lip. Vixen hardly had a moment to savor her triumph when the sound of an approaching commotion broke the spell.
” ZEEEEEEEVVVV!!! Don’t do it! Run away with the head instead! ” Jim waved the chocolate eclair in his hand at Fourth menacingly.
” I will never let a Tweedle deflower my Goddess! ” JH yelled to the fleeing couple.
” You’re a little too late for that, pal! ” Fourth turned around to taunt the enraged Jim without breaking his stride. He turned back around just in time to come to a screeching halt a foot away from a very perturbed looking Prince. Zev and Jim froze in their tracks.
” Phark! ” Fourth whispered.
” My, my, aren’t we the Perfidious One? ” Prince dipped a finger in a spot of whipped cream that remained on Fourth’s nurse’s uniform and brought it up to his tanned face for a closer inspection. ” I send you here to make sure nothing prevented Zev from getting the Key from Stanley Tweedle, and what do you do? You deflower my clone. A VERY BAD…choice.” Prince growled from between clenched teeth.
” I…I…I…” Fourth stammered, then swallowed the lump of fear caught in his throat. Before he could begin again, Prince silenced him with a motion of his hand.
Vixen fought back a giggle. She just knew Prince was going to make Fourth long for the days when having a Rabbit suit glued to him was his biggest misfortune. She was more than a little disappointed when Prince turned his attention from Fourth to Zev.
” And you, Zev…did I really need to instruct you to make sure you had the right Tweedle by making him show you the Key? ” Vixen was eating up every moment of her colleagues’ humiliation.
” This is all your fault, Fourth! I should haff killed you when I had the chance! ” Zev lunged for Fourth, but Prince stepped between them. He put an arm around each of them, and walked them over to JH, who was defending his position with his arsenal of chocolate eclairs.
” You both have disappointed me greatly, but you do have one chance to redeem yourselves and make me cancel my order to villainsupply.com. I’d really rather not have to spend the money on a Henchbot 3000. ” Prince addressed Fourth and Zev, but he looked JH in the eye as he spoke. ” Jim has outlasted his usefulness to me. For the next phase of my plan, I need 790. You two will kill Jim for me. ”
” But he has an eclair. Have you ever had one of those jammed in your eye? ” Fourth asked. ”
Well, it’s not a pointed stick. You simply eat the eclair, thereby rendering him defenseless. ” Prince said with exasperation.
” You want me to eat that eclair?! Pfft! No way, pal! I’d rather have it jammed in my eye.”
” If you want something done right…” Prince muttered. He pulled a vicious looking dagger from his coat.
Vixen saw her opportunity to further distance herself from her henchperson competitors by volunteering to kill Jim.
” I’ll do it! ” she called to Prince just as he let the dagger fly. Jim used the box of titanium hard eclairs to deflect the projectile.
” HA! ” Jim exclaimed, boldly slashing at Prince with the deadly eclair. ” I fight for Zev!” he declared.
Summoning all of his courage, he brandished the eclair in an overhanded assassin’s grip and advanced towards his target.
Vixen sprang into action, rushing to come to her Prince’s defense. In her haste, she inadvertently kicked the robot head which had been lying on the floor since it was dropped. It rocketed towards Jim, but missed him by narrow inches. Jim was ready to gloat. The word ” slut ” was forming on his lips when the robot head ricocheted off a wall and then was struck by a pair of swinging doors that had burst open to reveal one genuine Stanley H. Tweedle. Stan looked on in utter shock as the robot head beaned JH in the back of his head. Jim collapsed into a lifeless lump with his former container landing on top of him.
” How fortuitous,” Prince remarked as he picked up the robot head. ” Goodbye Jim, ” he said as Jim’s life essence swirled and coalesced above his body, then scowled at Prince before entering the the proffered vessel. The former Ruler of Fire wore a satisfied sneer as he watched 790’s digital face reappear.
” Hello 790. ”
” I will love you forever. ”
” Oh, bloody Hell… ”
*********************************************
Looks like our little tale has come to a head! Will we finally find out if the Lexx/Acme crew can foil Prince’s evil plan to destroy the Universe? Will we finally get to see our promised Bored guest stars join the Acme/Lexx crew for some ‘conventional’ Lexx-style final episode mayhem and destruction? Will we get to see Beid wearing his Labyrinth style pants? The answers to all those burning questions is a resounding Yes, yes we will!…Stay tuned for all this and more in the FINAL ( I swear ) EPISODE of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When!!!
Ah, very good! Congratulations on yet another fine chapter. 🙂 Normally “I don’t like Spam” (Monty Python), preferring “green eggs and ham” (Seuss), but this episode is most delectable. And like Lyekka, I can’t be sated. Looking forward to more. 😀
Hey Logan. Woo!! Love the avatar!!!
Streudel has been surpassing herself lately and I’m sure she’s working on the final chapter as we speak. I’ll be quite sad when it’s all over 🙁 It’s been quite a ride 😀Streudel
Yo Milky Way Yo
or, if you prefer…
End Of The Looneyverse
The implications of the scene that had just unfolded before him began to register in Bryn Dempsey’s shocked mind. He took a slow backstep away from the swinging double doors that were the only barrier between himself and perhaps the most evil co-op Existence had seen since the fall of the Divine Order. And the rise of Microsoft.
Prince turned his freshly canned companion over to Zev, then trained his icy stare on Bryn through the glass pane separating him from that which he had sought so long.
” You’re mine, Stanley Tweedle! ”
Bryn uttered what was probably one of the biggest understatements of all time. ” Oh…This is bad…this is really, really bad… ” Having sized up the situation, the Captain of Lexx decided discretion was the better part of valor, and executed a tactical retreat.
As he ran at breakneck speed, he promised himself that THIS time, Xev and Kai wouldn’t talk him out of leaving this stupid planet far behind…or making that 790 commode he’d always wanted. If he got out of this alive.
****************************************
” NOOOOOOOO!!! ” Streudel cried out.
” Why not? ” the Kais inquired, their identical baritones forming a single, panty melting, Barry White like voice. Two sets of hazel eyes affixed themselves to her and unblinkingly awaited her reply.
Streudel struggled to conceive a noble argument for the clone’s continued existence. But she was already
incoherently drooling more than the cast of Baywatch trying to program a VCR. A relapse was imminent.“Ummm, yeah, why not. Well, because he…er…because…uh…mmmm…bioengineered Kais thighs lips fleshy flanks… times TWO!! ” *trails off into unintelligible gibberish* ” Must…get…brain…out…knickers!!! ”
Streudel surveyed the area and spotted a discarded newspaper. Rolling it up as tightly as she could, she handed it to When. She pointed to her own forehead, wordlessly indicating where she needed the paper delivered. When drew the makeshift billyclub back and held it aloft while swiftly bringing her heel down on Streudel’s foot.
” Why in the #@%$* did you do that!! ” she shrieked, hopping about madly on one foot.
” I thought I’d improvise…Just to keep you on your toes. ” When replied. Then she addressed the group. “Since my partner is making less sense than a condom dispenser in a maternity ward, maybe I should translate. I think she meant to say he’s just a pawn, maybe we can help him. Me, I just don’t want to watch someone gets his head lopped off. No amount of tea and cucumber sandwiches will take that image out of my head. ”
” So what do we do? ” Xev asked.
” RUN!!! ” Bryn shouted as he came sliding uncontrollably around the corner, victim of a previous chocolate pudding spill. Mowing down Streudel, who was still perched on one foot, helped him come to a stop.
” Stanley, you’re OK!” Xev beamed broadly at her friend. Agent When approached Bryn and inspected him in a nursely fashion. ” Are you sure you’re alright? What did- ”
” No time…” Bryn said breathlessly ” Prince is…” he looked at When quizzically. “Agent When…did you get taller?”
” I’m not alright. Thanks for asking. ” Streudel squeaked. Agent When looked down to discover she was standing on top of her partner. When pulled Streudel to her feet. ” Sorry ’bout that Chief. ”
Bryn grabbed Xavia and When’s hands and began to drag them along, desperate to hasten their departure. ” Come on! Prince is right behind me! ”
When looked over her shoulder, ” Streudel, what are you waiting for? Come on!! ” she called out as she disappeared into an adjoining corridor.
” But what about the Kais? ” Streudel yelled after her.
THWACK!!!
She whipped around in time to see Marcus wobbling, one of her patented MM tranquiliser darts ( a soothing combo of Beck’s, nicotine, and hash oil ) protruding from his backside. ” Okey dokey…goin’ down…” he slurred before hitting the floor.Prince regarded the Divine Assassinator 3000 in amazement. ” Will wonders never cease? It actually worked, ” he said with raised eyebrows and a pleased smile.
” Certainly atypical for anything coming from the Acme Labs,” Vixen remarked, then shot her former employer a haughty smile. ” Although Acme has been known to get it right occasionally, eh Streudel? ” Vixen made her way to the Kai clone and fondled his forelock. ” The clone reeled you in like the big mouth trout you are. Muahahah- ugh!..Ewwww!!!” Vixen had inadvertently caused a soggy carrot and a half eaten fish stick to tumble from his bun into her cleavage.
” Vixen…I would dearly love to allow you to gloat in proper ubervillainess fashion, but we do have a schedule to maintain. After all, it wouldn’t do to keep Marcus’ fans…or my hungry little pet…waiting any longer than they already have. Zev, Fourth, take Marcus to Vixen’s Moth. ”
Zev and Fourth quickly complied. Zev slung the robot head to a pouting Vixen, then hauled Marcus up by his arms. Fourth leaned over to grab his feet. Streudel saw her opportunity and seized it, delivering a blindingly fast front snap kick to the bridge of Fourth’s nose. Zev dropped Marcus to the floor but was not in time to prevent the precision roundhouse kick that connected behind her ear. The pout on Vixen’s face vaporised and was replaced by a sneer as she glanced down at the robot head in her hands and was struck with inspiration…
*CRACK!!!*
” That’s about the only way to get ahead at Acme, huh Streudel? ” Vixen quipped as Streudel collapsed in a heap.
790 laughed gleefully, ” Good, now finish the job! Kill the Tweedle Twin, the Love Slut Wannabe, the Corpse Clone, and then kill yourself. I want to be alone with my Prince. ” He launched into a god awful rendition of ‘ Some Day My Prince Will Come ‘.
” Oh, bloody hell…” Prince winced at 790’s serenade, ” And I thought Marcus had a voice like an ashtray. Kai, kill Chief Streudel, then fetch Stanley Tweedle and Xev for me. Kill Agent When as well. ”
*************************************************
” Wait! We can’t leave without them! ” Agent When yanked Bryn’s hand off the joystick, causing the Moth to set down abruptly.
“Look, I can understand you worrying about your friend, but she’s probably safer with Marcus than we are just sitting here. Besides, I worry more about him being left with her. She is still short one inflatable Marcus, y’know. ” Bryn rolled his eyes and reached for the joystick. ” She’s probably already looking for a valve to blow- ”
When smacked Bryn’s hand. ” Hey!!! That’s my friend you’re talking about! ” When said indignantly.
Xavia leaned over his shoulder. ” I don’t know, Stanley. They should’ve come out by now. Maybe we-”
His voice rose to a Tweedlesque pitch. He knew full well what Xavia was driving at. ” I just want to put a little distance between us and Prince, OK?!. They’ll catch up with us! ” With a determined grimace, he grasped the joystick and the Moth climbed skyward. ” This time I’m really putting my foot down! We’re leaving! ”
When grabbed the joystick with both hands and began to wrestle Bryn for control. ” No! I can’t leave my partner behind! ” The Moth flitted and danced erratically. ” If you don’t let me out right now, I’m going to have to put MY foot down…on your chest!!! ”
” But- ” Bryn’s protest was cut short by a foot planted on his chest as promised. Despite her superior strength and leverage, When couldn’t break his fear induced death grip.
” I don’t want to leave Marcus behind either! I’ll go back in with you, Agent When! ” Xavia put her hands over Bryn’s eyes. ” Let go Stanley!! ” Chirping frantically, the Moth played leapfrog in the doctor’s parking lot, denting the tops of two Mercedes and a BMW.
” Are you two crazy?!! You’re gonna get us all killed!!!! ” Bryn began prying at Xavia’s hands. When swiftly set the Moth back down on solid ground, flung open the eye lens, and leapt out. She waited for Xavia with her arms folded over her chest, her brow deeply furrowed.
” Coming Stanley? ” Xavia asked as she disembarked.
Bryn shook his head vigorously. ” No way Xev! A thousand times no! They should’ve come when I told ’em to. ”
Xavia looked him in the eye. ” Tell her that. ” she said. She knew how Bryn felt about letting his fans down, and there was no bigger StanFan than Agent When.
Bryn cleared his throat and attempted to sound as decisive as he did with Xavia. ” Agent When, I’m sorry but…”
When tried her best to remain stoic, but Bryn recognised the look, the same one a child has if you tell them there is no Santa Claus. He felt his resolve failing.
” I mean… Marcus can handle this. He’s an assassin and…” Trailing off softly, his face fell and he sighed with resignation.
“Damn.” He clambered out of the Moth. ” What good is it having an assassin around if you have to rescue him?! ” he grumbled.
Agent When rewarded his bravery with a huge smile. ” Bryn Dempsey, you ARE top of the hero class. ”
” You sure are Bryn…I mean, ” Xev said with a giggle, ” Stanley the Brave who risked his skin for his friends “.
The two ladies kissed him on the cheek.
” Yeah, yeah…have ’em put that on my tombstone. ”
***********************************
Fourth of 5 sat up and gingerly touched the bridge of his nose. It hurt like Hell, but he didn’t think it was broken. Well, THIS time, Streudel was going to pay. Of course, if he had his way, her payback would’ve involved a vat of lard, a cattleprod, and a horde of horny wilderbeast. *Oh well,* he thought,*you can’t win ’em all. A brace in the head will have to do*. Still, there was a chance he’d get to be creative with Agent When’s demise if OOPS ( Overlord’s Overnight Parcel Service ) made good on their guaranteed ‘ the good guys are about to save the day so you need this weapon right away’ service……
” No. I will not do as you request. ” The Kai clone stated flatly.
” NO! ” Prince’s collar flew up to punctuate his rage.” Fourth, Zev! Don’t just sit there gawking…Take Marcus to Vixen’s Moth and wait for me.” he said through clenched teeth. Zev jerked Fourth up from the floor, and together they whisked Marcus away.
” Kai, I did not make a request. I gave you a directive. Now obey your Prince.”
Vixen bounced up and down with her arm raised, much like Arnold Horshack. ” Oooh! Ooooh! I’ll do it! Let me do it! Please!! ” She had dreamt of this moment ever since Bugs Bunny promoted Streudel over her just because Streudel’s Daddy was head of Sara Lee’s carrot cake division. She produced a dagger from her boot and brandished it overhead. Prince ensnared her wrist firmly but gently.
” Although I find your enthusiasm and loyalty…admirable…it’s not yours that concerns me. ” he kissed the inside of her wrist and returned her arm to her side. ” It’s our clone’s. Since I can no longer control him through his nanites, I must see if he is worth salvaging.”
” I am not. I have my own will and I no longer wish to serve you or endure this musical torture. I only wish to die. ”
” Then I will make a deal with you. You help me by killing the Acme Agents and retrieving Stanley and Xev, and I will give you the oblivion you seek, quickly and painlessly. ”
” The Acme Agents wished me spared despite the fact that I am their enemy. I will not harm them. I will kill myself. ” He unsheathed his brace.
Streudel struggled to her feet and latched onto his arm. ” Nooo! You’re too pretty to die! Sorry, drooler reflex… I mean don’t do it! I can help you. ”
Prince nodded to Vixen, giving her the go ahead. Vixen raised the dagger over head.
*THWAP!!!…PTWANG!!! *The dagger flew up and stuck into the ceiling. Vixen looked at her empty hand in shock. At her feet lay a petrified bacon sandwich marked ” EMERGENCY ” in mustard.
Bryn was visibly impressed. ” Who knew you could be so accurate with a bacon sandwich? ”
When flashed him a winning smile. ” You should see what I can do with a kebab! ” she said as she took off with a burst off bioengineered speed.
Prince, seeing When coming drew a dagger from his coat and let fly with it. When bounded onto a gurney, narrowly avoiding the deadly projectile. She rode it out until she within a few feet of him, then leapt off, planting a side kick in the middle of his chest. She had barely stabilised herself from the maneuver when she was knocked off balance by the slow rhythmic shaking off the floor.
OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH!!!
” When, please tell me that’s not what I think it is. ” The color drained from Streudel’s face. It was exactly as she feared. Fourth of 5 was piloting the latest in http://www.villiansupply.com Exo Suit technology, the Chimpanator CX. The Chimpanator’s hand morphed into what looked like a cannon.” Get down!!! ” When bellowed.
*FWOOSH!!!……..SPLAT!!!*
” What the hell was that!!! ” Bryn cried.The clone answered very matter of factly, ” A very large banana cream pie. ”
” Could’ve been worse, ” When noted, ” I see Fourth hasn’t figured out how to operate the cata-poo-lt. ”
Bryn’s eyes became as big as saucers. ” Oh, holy sh-INCOMING!!! ”
*FWOOSH!!!……..SPLAT!!!*
Streudel nearly yanked the clone’s arm out of it’s socket in her haste. ” I say it’s time we all make like bananas and split! ”
Prince groaned, but not from the footprint in his chest. He promised himself to build a new city on Fire in the next Cycle of Time. *I think I shall call it ‘Hacktown’, the final stop for karaoke singers and no-talent comedians. Streudel will be the first in line, followed by Britney Spears and Regis.*
The Acme/Lexx crew took off, with Streudel leading the way this time. Fourth leveled the Chimpanator’s arm cannon and prepared to take a parting shot, but Prince motioned for him to stop. ” No need. If you’ll be so kind as to escort us to the roof, we’ll be heading for the Lexx now. ” Fourth proceeded to punch a large hole in an outside wall. He wrapped his pneumatic tail around Prince, Vixen and 790, and flew to the rooftop.” Well done, Fourth. I may not have to kill you after all. It shouldn’t take long for them to figure out what we’re doing, so we must move quickly. Fourth, is your new toy capable of flight outside of the Earth’s atmosphere? ”
” I believe so. ”
” Good. 790, can you interface with Fourth’s onboard computer? ” 790 scanned the suit.
” Yes. Much like me, it is biomechanical, with a small amount of brain tissue interfacing with it’s systems. Unlike me, there is no human brain tissue controlling it, only the small cube of chimp tissue the suit was built with, and the even smaller speck of orangutan tissue the Tweedle Twin calls a brain. ”
” Thank you 790, but a simple yes would have sufficed. You will pilot the Chimpanator to the Other Zone portal’s location, and we will follow you in. ”
” But my Prince of Passion- ” 790 began to whine.
” There is no time for debate. Vixen, you will come with me. Zev will take Marcus. We’ll meet on the bridge.”
**************************
OK, so I lied. 😳 Tune in next time for the (possibly) final chapter of 00-911 The misadventures of Agent When 😀
Lookin very good, haven’t read it all yet. Will finish it tomorrow with my morning coffee. So I can savour it along with the aroma of fine Columbian beans for double the pleasure.
Amazing the amount of work that’s been put into this. I’m looking forward to the prequels! 🙂
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