Uber_Vixen
Vixen stalked the corridors of the hidden EGG base in her underground city. She had just received word that her secret weapon Fifi had disappeared.

At least we have Fourthof5 in custody. I will find other ways to…bring him pain.
“I’m good with pain,” spoke a silken voice behind her, reading her thoughts.

Vixen spun and gave Prince a coy smile. They continued walking down the hall. Sun shone through a pair of huge open doors before them and made the shadowed hallways seem even more foreboding.

“Fourth may now suspect that I am a double agent. I have taken every precaution to hide my true identity from Agents When and Streudel. Perhaps it is time to commence the next phase of your plan, my Prince.”

“I believe it is. The guards have been commanded to loosen their watch. As I predicted, the Drone Arms will arrive shortly.”

A buzzing sound grew louder and louder, and several drone arms buzzed past them, winding down the corridors in the direction of Fourthof5’s cell. Yellow-clad guards appeared from nowhere ready to fire at Prince’s command. He held up an arm to wait. The buzzing quietened for a short time.

“And now we wait…” Prince whispered.

The drone arms returned noisily, carrying a triumphant Fourthof5 in their hands. Vixen motioned the guards forward as he rose in the air and commanded them to fire. The drone arms moved to protect their burden and travelled into the distance. Prince leant in towards Vixens ear.

“Our ruse has worked. Fourthof5 will reveal what he has learned of you to the Agents, and he will lead them to Newfoundland.”

“You are sure the programming worked? He will take them there? And have the other drone arms acquired Bryn from his tropical holiday?”

“Of course. They are all on their way to Newfoundland as we speak. And then you can have your revenge, my dear.”
Vixen grinned hungrily.

“Fourth will pay for what he did to my country. Who wants to visit somewhere that stinks this much? Not even the Croc Hunter can save the tourist industry now…” Vixen faltered. “What will we do if When does not…fulfil her part in the plan?”

“I have contingencies. A man. In black. If When does fail, then we have … our leverage with Chief Streudel.”
Vixen’s eyes glazed over for a split second.

“You are behind the man in black?” she asked hopefully with a dirty thought in her mind.

“Of course. An actor called MM has been cloned and biogenetically enhanced to make him ultra attractive to women. Haven’t you ever wondered that maybe he’s just a bit TOO attractive? With him as a weapon, I will be able to fulfil my plan of world domination.”

“And then we will have the key, and no woman on the planet will be able to resist your power, my Prince.”

“A moth has been prepared. We depart for Newfoundland immediately.”

A moth swooped out of the sky and landed in front of Vixen and Prince. Vixen’s eyes got that glassy look again as she peered into the cockpit and spied the MM clone.

Thighs… lips… rabid ferret… mmmm…

*THUD*

Prince looked down at the crumpled heap of Vixen and rolled his eyes. Picking her up he climbing into the cockpit of the moth and it rose fluttering into the air heading for a small corner of Canada.

~~~~~

Meanwhile in Nova Scotia, buzzing drone arms dropped a shivering undressed figure in front of a small public bar. The man wore nothing but a red speedo, embroidered with the number 4. He was the real Bryn Dempsey, rudely interrupted from his tropical island holiday. Music spilled from the doorway as a man exited the bar. Eyeing BD up and down suspiciously the man hurried off. BD rushed into the bar to find warmth and hopefully clothing.

What will happen when Fourth, When, Streudel, MM clone, BD, Prince and Vixen meet in Newfoundland? How does Prince mean to manipulate Agent When? How exactly will the MM clone be put to use in Prince’s plan for the key? Why in God’s name was Fourth suddenly naked when he was dropped off next to the Droolmobile? With any luck will BD be forced to wear his speedo through the entire episode? Answers to all these questions and more in the next thrilling instalment of 00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When!

Nursewhen
Agent When (only recently de *THUDDED*) hears that Uber_Vixen, her most trusted colleague is in cahoots with Prince, the agent she has suspected of foul play

“You’re right of course” Said Streudel “Where do you think we should go?”

“Newfoundland” said Fourthof5. “No one ever goes there

“Newfoundland?” Asks Agent When blurrily, “I thought we were going to Australia, did I miss something?”

“Yes,” replies chief Streudel, “You *THUDDED* and then you fainted.
Are you sure you’re biogenetically enhanced? Uber_Vixen is in cahoots with Prince. We can’t go to Australia, so Bryn has suggested a return to his homeland!”

“We’re not going to Australia? Thank God for that, it’s a BLOODY long walk!”

“Emm, by the way ladies” said Bryn, it’s lovely to meet you an’ all, but it’s just a little cold here. Do you have anything in the way of clothing?”

“Here, take mine!” Agent When starts enthusiastically throwing her clothes off.

“No!” scream Bryn and chief Streudel in unison. Several drone arms emerge frantically from the boot, cover up each other’s visual detectors and hurriedly button agent When back into her nurse’s uniform.

“I’m so sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me,” says agent When, looking rather flushed.

Agent When eyes Bryn’s semi-naked body appreciatively.

He’s a lot younger than he looks on TV she thinks to herself must be the harsh studio lighting. Maybe the makeup girl holds a grudge or something.

“I’m sorry about your state of undress.” She says, drooling discretely.

“Did we get you out of bed or something?” asks chief Streudel ” And why have you got the Australian flag on your boxer shorts?”.

Chief Streudel narrows her eyes suspiciously at Bryn.

“Umm, got them on my last holiday. Oddly enough, I was fully dressed before the drone arms got hold of me.”

“Errr yes, I’m afraid the state of undress is my fault.” Admits agent When. “I programmed the drones so that if they found him in the red overalls and the hat, they would remove them to prevent me from *THUDDING*

“Pppphhhtt!” says chief Streudel, “You honestly expect me to believe THAT?” she sniggers in a dirty kind of way.

“It’s true!”

“Like I was born yesterday!”

“You know it’s my ultimate failing!”

*Snigger, snigger*

“You just wanted to see him in the nuddy!”

“Umm ladies, I’m dying of cold here.”

“Naaa what’s up Doc?”

“What the hell is that?” Bryn squeaks in astonishment as a five foot tall white rabbit pops up beside him.

“Oh God help us!” Wails agent When. “It’s the bloody Acme Lexx-us Droolmobile on-line help assistant! I can’t switch it off! And no matter how many times I tell it, it’s ‘NURSE’, it insists on calling me ‘DOC’!”

The rabbit calmly chews on a carrot. Agent When glares at it in the driving mirror.

“It pops up when you least want it and offers unsolicited and unwanted advice on totally unrelated problems.”

“Naaa, It looks like you want to open the sunroof. Would you like help?”

“SOD OFF!!”

Bryn calmly assesses the situation and then punches it.

The rabbit vanishes.

“That’s how you switch it off.” He announces.

“Oh he’s so butch!” gasps agent When as she slides under the steering wheel. “I had that thing offering me unwanted advice down my air hose for 8 months.” Chief Streudel hauls agent When back up into the drool bucket seat.

Chief Streudel narrows her eyes suspiciously. “You mean to tell me that you saunter about at home in your Stanley Tweedle outfit?”

*THUD*

“Well yeah, it’s kind of comfy.”

Chief Streudel slaps agent When awake again. “Agent When, do you have any clothes in the Lexx-us Droolmobile that Bryn can wear?”

“Not much. There’s a deep sea diving suit from my journey. A policewoman’s uniform which they gave me at Birmingham police station after being thrown naked out of my window.”

Bryn starts to look both confused and worried.

“I never go anywhere without a belly dance costume”

Bryn starts to sweat.

“Oh and I’ve got the sou’wester, oil skin and galoshes from when I got caught up in the net of a trawler.”

“That’ll do!” exclaims Bryn.

“Unless you want to climb into the MM inflatable doll? It’ll make a good disguise.”

“I think I’ll pass on that.” Says Bryn as he notices a dreamy look cross chief Streudel’s face.

Agent When rummages in the Acme all purpose oubliette tool box and pulls out the oil skin and sou’wester. “Bryn, you’ve got the key haven’t you?” She asks as she struggles to pull the galoshes out.

“Yes of course.”

“Would you light it up please.”

“Err why?” he asks

“Well the courtesy light has broken and I need to read the map. I normally just hot up the cigarette lighter and use that but that’s how I lost all of my maps of Paraguay.”

“I really don’t think I should, it can be detected you know.”

“OK, just a thought. Cigarette?”

“No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

Chief Streudel narrows her eyes again and this time, gives Bryn a good long stare.

SO what is the fate of our Heroes? will Streudel save Agent When from the perfidious Fourthof5.? What terrible fate has Uber_Vixen got waiting for them in Newfoundland? will the real Bryn have as much good luck in the clothing department? Tune in for the next instalment!

Fourthof5
The Droolmobile was starting to get pretty crowded, and Streudel’s continuous attempts to blow up the Kai doll just made matters worse. However, the sight of a beautiful woman wandering along the road carrying a robot head was enough to make Agent When hit the anchors. The car screeched to a stop.

“Hi” said a women in a German accent. “I’m Zev, I am looking for Kai.”

*THUD*

Streudel flopped in her seat. Fourthof5 took the initiative and said “Hey so are we get in”

“Stanley?” Zev asked.

Damn I must look more like BD than I thought.

“Yeah Zev it’s me” said Fourthof5.

“You’re not Tweedle” said 790

“Yes I am” said Fourthof5.

“Don’t listen to him Zev my beautiful love hole of desire. He’s not Tweedle. He’s an impostor, and he wants to endanger you.” moaned 790.

“I am Stanley H. Tweedle” said Fourthof5.

Streudel narrowed her eyes and asked suspiciously. “Show us the key”.

Fourthof5 woke up with a scream Streudel and When looked over at him.

“Are you all right” Bryn she asked.

“Yeah just a bit of a bad dream. Where are we anyway? Is there any chance I would be able to get some clothes?”

“We’re on to it Bryn” said Chief Streudel

Streudel
O Happy Hour, O Happy Hour! O How I Love Happy Hour!
“So, where to now? ” When asked as she piloted the Droolmobile down the narrow Nova Scotian street.

” Stop right there,” Streudel motioned to a tailor’s shop, ” We need to get Bryn some clothes before he gets pneumonia. ”

” I’m a Nurse…Want me to check his temperature?” When cooed.

Despite her McManhunter reflexes, and skill at recognising an impending thud, Streudel was not able to grab the wheel in time to avert disaster. The Droolmobile careened into a hook rug stand, narrowly missing the vendor and a near by organ grinder and his monkey. Although the impact was slight due to the effect of the hook rugs, the airbag system still deployed.

” Um…Streudel…Explain to me why this car is equipped with hairbags,” When said as she disengaged her face from the rapidly deflating Kai head complete with rabid weasel wig.

” I…um…can’t,” Streudel hung her head.

” Speaking of hare, ” Fake Bryn said, ” Look! “.

The group looked to see the onboard Help Hare had been activated and ejected from the car on impact. The frightened monkey latched onto Bug’s ears, sending him screaming up the street.

” Good riddance. I hope he takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

When continued, ” We need to get somewhere before anything else goes wrong. Streudel, I still can’t believe you almost blew Bryn’s cover to those hitchhiker’s from the Lexx convention.”

” Look, When, my pastry sense is tingling. I don’t believe that’s really Bryn.”

” Streudel, you’re ALWAYS tingling! Maybe it isn’t Bryn, but just in case it is him, we can’t take the chance on letting the wrong person see that Bryn has the Key. ”

” Agreed. Let’s go get kitted up. ”

One hour later, the trio emerged from the tailor’s shop. The Dempsey Doppleganger was sharply attired in a black leather vest, maroon turtleneck, and black jeans. Streudel followed him carrying a *THUDDED* Agent When. Streudel pimpslapped When back to consciousness as they reached the front door of a local pub.

” Where are we? And what the hell are you wearing Streudel? ” When asked groggily.

” We’re at a local pub. I thought we could do with some pub grub, and a pint or ten. Then we could ask the bartender about a good place to lie low for a bit. ”

” And what about the black leather catsuit and thigh high boots?…You’re all dolled in case we run into that clone again, aren’t you?!” When plucked Streudel in the forehead.
” He’s the enemy, ya daft wench!”

” Thanks, When. I needed that…Anyway, explain to me how the ‘Dance of the 9 Veils’ bellydancer get up is necessary to the mission.”

” Um…I…can’t,” When hung her head.

“Nevermind that…Let’s go in and get a table.”

The trio garnered a host of strange looks from the bar patrons. But by 7 drinks into a “pint or ten”, they were assimilated into the friendly local crowd. In fact, Streudel was feeling so at home, that she decided to honour the band’s request to retrieve her purple PRS Custom 24 guitar from the Droolmobile and sit in.
Once the band launched into a Celtic rendition of Led Zepplin’s ” Kashmir”, Agent When could contain herself no longer. She put on the most erotic belly dance known to mankind just for the Fake Bryn.

As much as he wanted to take the opportunity to get closer to When, the 8 Guinesses he had previously were making their presence felt.
He excused himself to the men’s room at the end of the song. When took this opening to hop up on the stage with Streudel. She leaned in and whispered something in Streudel’s ear. A smile spread across Streudel’s face.

” Oh, that does sound like fun! ”

Streudel conferred with the tin whistle player, who in turn passed the request along to the rest of the band. Streudel turned to When and gave her the thumb’s up.
When alighted the stage and returned to the table. Unbeknownst to her, the real Bryn had taken the fake Bryn’s seat in his absence. Strangely and conveniently enough, the real Bryn was sporting a strikingly similar ensemble as Fourth’s.

” Fancy a dance?” When purred as she stroked Bryn’s hand.

” You bet!” Bryn said, squeezing When’s hand and leading her to the dance floor. The band struck up an extremely familiar melody played in a boisterous, jig like feel. The crowd clapped with the beat, and Bryn and When took the centre of the dance floor as Streudel began to sing.

” Stanley Tweedle is a God, a Warrior and a Gent…”

Bryn beamed at When and picked up the pace of their dance. The band was settling into a frantic, raucous tempo when the piano player, a scruffy long haired man with a beard and a slight build, started to falter. A look of intense concentration washed over his face as he looked up from his instrument and fixed his questioning stare on When and Bryn. Streudel set down her guitar and put a hand on the piano player’s shoulder.

” Are you alright? ” The scruffy man turned to face her. He tilted his head and furrowed his brow.

” I know…that song.” A whispery baritone voice declared.

*THUD*

Streudel plunged headlong off the stage. Fortunately, Fourth was returning from his foray to the men’s room and he cushioned her fall. Before anyone had the chance to ask what the hell was going on, a man pushed his way through to the front of the crowd.

” Hail, hail, the gang’s all here…” he announced in a posh British accent. Bryn’s blood ran cold.

” Prince! ”

Just when you thought the plot couldn’t get any thicker! Newfoundland may not have a King, but it just acquired a Prince! Stay tuned to see if our heroes can get themselves out of a Rock and hard place in the next thrilling instalment of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When!

Uber_Vixen
Prince stopped by the doorway and gave the collected Lexxians a charming smile. Chief Streudel groggily came to and quickly moved away from Fourthof5, subconsciously brushing off her catsuit. Behind Prince appeared Uber_Vixen and the MM clone. Streudel swooned slightly.

“Kai, activate assault tactic 171,” Prince commanded the clone.

The piano player stood in shock as the clone reached up towards his hair. Immediately his hair unwound in a cascade of jet black. *THUD*
The company turned to see Streudel lying inert on the floor, surrounded by the fallen bodies of all the women in the room. All except for nursewhen who stared dreamily into Bryn’s eyes, and Vixen who had clad herself with the latest in Acme MM-Resistant Spectacle technology.

Vixen took a menacing step towards a slightly squashed Fourthof5. Fourth giggled at Vixen’s bespectacled face and quickly crawled away, his rubber galoshes squeaking against the floor. Bryn glanced at the man at the piano and they both shrugged incredulously.

Prince motioned to the MM clone and it proceeded to stalk around the room in a fascinatingly catlike manner, stopping behind Bryn and nursewhen.

“Be witness to my power. With this clone I can control almost every woman in the world,” Prince looked grudgingly at when. “The key, Bryn. You still have it? I’d like to make a…deal…” Prince said smoothly.

Suddenly Prince fell to the ground, crushed by the falling door. Bursting though it a large white rabbit with a strange monkey-like headpiece hopped madly through the bar, bumping into and despectacling Vixen, and headed out the back. It’s screams echoed into the distance.
Vixen turned her face upwards and caught sight of the scruffy piano playing MM and his clone and her head thudded to the floor. Prince groaned and attempted to stand.

“Quickly, When! Dance! Dance like you’ve never danced before!” Streudel screamed, now wearing the MM-resistant goggles. “Dance like it’s the only thing that will ever get BD interested in you!”

Nursewhen nodded and launched into an even more erotic bellydance, the likes of which the world will never see again (but maybe Briyn will if he’s lucky). The MM clone tilted slightly, drool coming from the corner of its mouth and collapsed to the ground. Fourthof5 screamed before he lapsed into unconsciousness and MM joined him. Bryn swooned, mesmerised… Prince began to speak.

“Do you really think that…oh my…” *THUD*

When and Streudel cheered triumphantly and When turned to plant a smoochy on a stunned Bryn.

“That was the…most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” Bryn drawled giving When a brilliant smile.
When blushed.
*THUD*
Streudel rolled her eyes and pulled When to her feet.

“Bryn, carry this, I’m going to bring my own fun,”

Streudel grinned as she hoisted scruffy Marcus over her shoulders. They exited the bar and headed for the Droolmobile as a groaning Vixen got to her feet. She looked down at Fourth lying defenceless on the ground and smiled evilly.

What will Vixen do to the unconscious Fourthof5? How does Prince plan to get the key from BD? Where is Streudel taking genuine-MM, Bryn and When? What is the fate of the terrified rabbit? Where the hell is Fifi!? Was this whole scene just filler so the story can go on longer? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When!

Nursewhen
Chief Streudel lovingly lowers Marcus into the back seat of the Lexx-us Droolmobile while Bryn kicks open the front door and manhandles agent When into her drool bucket seat amid much rustling, jingling and tinkling. Agent When comes-to and Looks at chief Streudel.

“See, I told you I was biogenetically engineered! You don’t get a shimmy like that hanging around on just any street corner!”

“Would you like to rephrase that?” Asks chief Streudel. “And where did you get those bazoomers?”

“Oh them! That’s something else I picked up off the trawler.”

Agent When reaches into the cavernous cleavage of her bellydance bra and pulls out a life jacket. She then starts the lexx-us Droolmobile and starts to snigger.

“What on earth are you wearing on your face?”

“It’s the Acme MM-resistant goggles!”

“They’re the most stupid looking things I’ve ever seen in my life!”

“I have to wear them, we’ve got Marcus in the car.”

“Well can’t you ask him to wear a bag over his head or something. I can’t concentrate!”

“Excuse me, but what is this I’m sitting on?” asked a warm, smooth baritone voice from the back of the car. Chief Streudel froze.

“Oh, oh umm it’s a floatation device, in case we should sink.”

“It appears to have a rabid weasel attached to it.”

Chief Streudel suddenly galvanises into action and reaches over the back of the seat.

“I’m sorry about this Marcus, but I need to take my MM-resistant goggles off. Would you mind wearing this nice paper bag for a few moments?”

“Well to be honest, I’d rather not but IMMM IFI SHHOMM BMMMMM!”

Chief Streudel hauls the inflatable MM doll from under MM and quickly deflates it.

“What the hell is that?” Bryn squeaks in astonishment. Chief Streudel gives him an ingratiating smile and quickly shoves the doll into the Acme all-purpose oubliette tool box.

“You know,” says agent When, I’m having déjà vu here. That perfidious Fourth was a very good likeness to Bryn. Do you think agent Uber will do terrible things to him?”

“Who cares?”

“Well he was kind of cute in a hapless bumbling, perfidious sort of way.”

Chief Streudel plucked Agent When in the forehead,
” He’s the enemy, ya daft wench! And we’re not going back for him. You’ve got the real thing in here”

“Well I could have one for best and one for everyday use.”

“MMN NhFF MMGHHH!!”

“Err ladies.” Bryn leans over the front seat, agent When bats her eyelashes.

“I think Marcus would like to come out now.”

“Ack!” Cries chief Streudel and quickly rescues a rather dishevelled looking Marcus from the bag.

“OK, so where are we going?” Asks agent When. Australia is under a venomous SBD cloud. Uber’s tunnel is no longer an option. Newfoundland was a trap. What’s left?”

“I think we should go to the Lexx before Prince finds us again.” Says Bryn.

“Where is the Lexx?”

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not know, it’s your ship!”

Chief Streudel plucks at Agent When’s tassels “When, When, there’s a very large white rabbit in hot pursuit and Prince is riding on it!”

“Oh my God!!” Agent When puts her toe to the floor which makes absolutely no impact on the speed of the Lexx-us Droolmobile.

“I remember…. I remember having a fondness for rabbits.”

Says Marcus dreamily.

“Faster, faster, it’s gaining!” cries chief Streudel.

“I’m going at top speed already, it only does 40 miles per hour! Hang on, I’ve got an idea!”

Agent When rummages in her utility belt and extracts the rocket powered roller skates.

“Bryn, you have to knock out the back window and strap these to the back of the Droolmobile!” She reaches out either side of Marcus’s head (who is leaning forward, gasping for breath) and hands the skates to Bryn.

“Marcus, what the hell are you doing?” She cries. ”

I’ve got my hair caught in the sequins and tassels!” replies a muffled voice from the décolletage of agent When’s costume.

“When!! You tart!!” shrieks chief Streudel and starts beating agent When with a bag of half melted cassette tapes.

“It’s not my fault! He shouldn’t have so much bloomin’ hair!”

“I hate you When!!” Chief Streudel weeps while hauling at Marcus’s hair. “All the good things happen to you!”

“What like being thrown through windows, put in prison and receiving advice from a demented rabbit for 8 months!”

Bryn ignores the shrieking, screaming and crying coming from the front of the Droolmobile and ties off the second roller skate.

“OK, it’s done!”

Agent When hits the Acme all purpose remote control rocket powered roller skate activator and the Lexx-us Droolmobile leaps forward and races away down the road. The acceleration separates Marcus from agent When’s belly dance costume but also causes Bryn to do a face plant onto the boot of the mobile.

“I’m sorry, When, I don’t know what came over me.” Says Chief Streudel as she returns to a normal colour and puts the bag of tapes down. Bryn pulls himself back into the mobile, holding his mouth.

“I think I lost a tooth.” He says.

Agent When turns in concern, grabs hold of Bryn’s head and clutches it to her bosom. Bryn lets out a shocked whimper and struggles to breathe.

“Agent When, you really are a tart, get back here and drive. It’s not going to happen, his hair’s too short!”

Agent When resumes driving with a beatific smile on her face. Chief Streudel looks to see if the rabbit is still gaining. The rabbit has gone, but embedded in the back of the Droolmobile is an odd looking tooth.

“Look, look!” she cries, “I can see a data chip in the base of the tooth!”

Marcus reaches out of the window and retrieves the tooth as Bryn nurses his mouth.

“Maybe there’ll be information about where the Lexx is in it!” Cries Agent When. “Bryn, do ALL of your teeth contain encoded information?”

“I bdon’t bknow amb I bdon’t bwant to bknow.” He mutters from behind his hand.

“We can soon find out!” Chief Streudel reaches over the back of the seat and starts pulling on Bryn’s teeth.

“No!” Cries agent When. They’ve remained undetected this long. His mouth is probably the best place for them. ”

Bryn nods energetically.

“I’m sorry about that Bryn, I got a bit enthusiastic.” Says Chief Streudel. Agent When takes the tooth.

“Well all we need now is some way of decoding the data.”

Suddenly, there is the screech of a brace and the Lexx-us Droolmobile rocks as something heavy lands on the roof.

What new dangers are being faced by our intrepid heroes. Will they manage to stay together? Will they decode the tooth? Will Bryn have to spend the rest of his life eating his meals through a straw? Tune in for the next instalment of 00911 – the exciting misadventures of Agent Nursewhen.

Streudel

Hello, Gorgeous! Goin’ My Way?

Agent When, Chief Streudel and Bryn screamed in unison. Marcus didn’t seem to have the presence of mind to understand the ominous implications of the sounds originating from the roof of the Droolmobile. He blissfully batted an errant lock of hair in front of his left eye like a catnip intoxicated feline with a ball of yarn.

” Protect the men, Streudel! I’ll try to shake him! ” When shouted whilst violently jerking the wheel. Streudel needed no further prompting. She vaulted over the seat into a perfect 3 point landing in Marcus’s lap, wrapping her arms around him to stabilise herself from the wild gyrations of When’s evasive manoeuvres.

RRRIIIPPP!!!The Clone used his brace to cleave the soft top of the Droolmobile and peer in at the terror stricken occupants.

” Streudel, do something!!! ” Hollered When.

” I’ll hide Marcus! ” Streudel engulfed Marcus’s head with her overripe DD melons.

” Do something USEFUL, YOU DEMENTED COW!!! ”

Streudel drew in a deep breath, knowing what she had to do next. She cocked back her fist, but as she locked eyes with her target, the clone instantly morphed into the most heart wrenching ‘Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?’ pout. His bottom lip began to inflate to Xev proportions as his jaw quivered more than Rush Limbaugh’s ass when he’s chasing an ice cream truck.

Bryn observed the vacant looks shared by Streudel and Marcus, who still hadn’t lost his fascination with his forelock, and quickly realised he must act. Throwing his hands over Streudel’s eyes, he shrieked, ” Hit him! ”

The force of the blow bloodied the clone’s nose, but did not dislodge him.

” Hit him again! ” Bryn yelled, still covering Streudel’s eyes.

The clone quickly readjusted his strategy, pulling out a weapon that not even a blind woman can resist.

“We gotta get it together, baby…” A bass beat sprang from nowhere.

Cover her ears Bryn! He’s gonna sing a BARRY WHITE tune! ” When shouted. Bryn did as instructed, but it wasn’t enough. The powerful baritone sound waves of ” Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love ” had instantly obliterated any resistance to seduction Streudel possessed.

She turned to face Bryn. With a tortured expression, she croaked out a feeble, ” Help me…” A strange beeping seem to be emanating from her left ear. Her lips curled into a sinister grin as her eyes were overcome with an oily blackness.

” Cheery Bye! ” she said in an unearthly voice, wrapping her arms around the Clone’s neck and disappearing through the roof. The shrill pitch of the brace’s mechanism punctuated their departure.

Agent When brought the Droolmobile to a sliding stop. She punched the steering wheel in frustration. The driver’s side hairbag blew When back into her seat.

” What now? ” She asked Bryn despondently. ” First, we get back up. We need to head to Halifax. ”

” What’s in Halifax? ”

” Hattersfield’s in a sanatorium there. He can decode my tooth. ”

When looked at Bryn flabbergasted. ” Bryn, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.”

” Where to begin? Well, it all started about 44 Cycles of Time ago. Unlike on the TV show, the Cycles of Time are not concrete…Things can be changed. In the previous cycles of time, Kai has died to save the Universe over and over again. In the last one, he sacrificed himself to end one threat, while another one ravaged the universe after his death. I only narrowly saved the Universe with help from Xev. This cycle, I’m on my own, and I need your help. The Time Prophet believes you and Chief Streudel can swing the balance this time. ”

Agent When’s eyes were as big as saucers.

” Kai…Xev…wait, hold up…you mean to tell me there’s really a Kai and Xev? ” When sputtered out.

” Agent When, meet Kai, the Last of the Brunnen-G. ” When looked incredulously at the scruffy man playing with door handle, watching with glee as the ‘door ajar ‘ bell went on and off. Bryn smacked Marcus’s hands. Marcus’s lip trembled for a second, then he went back to twirling his hair around his finger.

” But he’s alive! How’s that possible…”

” Where Prince is concerned, death has very little meaning…It’s a long ride to Halifax. That might be enough time to explain. If not, I’m sure we can cover the rest of it on the flight to Germany. Oh, and I need to pick up the StanVan on the way. This heap can’t even make right hand turns, it’ll never do. ”

Holy plot twists! This one’s getting hard to follow without a bloodhound! Will Bryn be able to brief Agent When without spoiling S4? What will become of Streudel? Will Marcus ever find something more absorbing than his forelock? Who knows? I sure don’t. We’ll all find out together in the next thrilling instalment of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When!

Fourthof5
Fourthof5 slowly awakened from unconsciousness. In his somewhat blurred vision he could see Agent When, Agent Streudel, the real Bryn and someone else making a hasty escape. He tried to get up but seemed to be pinned to the floor.

“Oh no you don’t.” said a voice from above him. “You’re not going anywhere. I have big plans for you.” continued the voice. Fourthof5 looked up and focused on the voice finally making out the Elf like figure of Uber_Vixen.

“Wha… What do you want with me” asked Fourthof5.

“You!” Uber_Vixen shouted. “You ruined my country.”

“Well some people thought it stunk before.” Said Fourthof5.

Uber_Vixen slapped him across the face.

“You will pay for what you have done.”

“Now now. There are many pressing things that need to be attended to.” Said Prince. “This” Prince pointed at Fourthof5 “can wait. What we need to do is capture the others before they can get to the LEXX.”

“The LEXX!” Said Uber_Vixen, “You mean that they know where it is?” She asked.

“No. But that does not mean that they can’t find out. Uber_Vixen. I want you to go and get the Rabbit that bounded in here before.” Said Prince

“OK. But what about him” asked Uber_Vixen “Don’t worry about him. I wish to have a little chat with Fourthof5.”

Uber_Vixen scurried off to find the white rabbit. Once she was gone Prince crouched down next to Fourthof5 and said in quite, hushed tones.

“I will make you a deal Fourthof5. If you help me get the key to the LEXX, I will in turn, make sure that there is place for you at my side.”

“That’s not really a deal. Why would I want to be at your side?”

“Because, Fourthof5, being dead is really you only alternative; and I can assure you, that your life after death will not be pleasant.”

“You mean the deal is I help you get the Key and I get to live.”

“Precisely” Said Prince.

“What’s to stop me from accepting your offer and then taking the Key for myself.”

“Nothing. But Fourthof5, if you did that, existence after death would be far far worse than if you help me.”

“Existence after death. You expect me to believe that.”

“What matters, is not whether you believe it, but whether its true.”

“And how am I supposed to know whether it’s true or not.”

That, is just something that you are going to have to trust me on. Do we have a deal?” asked Prince.

Fourthof5 thought about it for a little while before answering “No. We don’t have a deal.”

“Good.” Said Prince. At that moment Uber_Vixen came out with a large White Rabbit in tow.

“Is this the one you wanted Prince?” She asked.

“Yes”

“What do you plan to do with it?”

“What I plan, is to ride it to chase after the others.”

“And what about him.” Said Uber_Vixen pointing at Fourthof5.

“He is for you to do what you please.”

A wicked grin appeared on Uber_Vixen’s face. Prince moved off with the Rabbit, leaving Uber_Vixen and Fourthof5 alone.

She walked out of the room and Fourthof5 got up and moved towards the door.

“That won’t help you.” Said Uber_Vixen as she re-entered the room “there are guards posted on all the exits.”

Fourthof5 turned to look at her. In her right hand she carried a container that appeared to be glue while in the other had was what looked like a Rabbit suit.

“Prince has his Rabbit, and I will have mine.”

Fourthof5 panicked and raced towards a door. He flung it open only to have a guard with a blak pack move in his direction. Fourthof5 turned to face. Uber_Vixen, and lunged at her. The guard moved faster and knocked Fourthof5 to the ground.

“Hold him” Said Uber_Vixen, as she slowly poured contact glue over him.

Fourthof5 wriggled and squirmed but could not break out of hold the guard had on him. When it was finally over, Uber_Vixen looked down at her handy work. Fourthof5 was glued into her rabbit suit.

She stepped back and laughed, which echoed through the room, the guard too chuckled and stepped away. Fourthof5 took the only option that he could and bolted for the door. He made it out and began running down the street.

Will Fourthof5 escape? Will Uber_Vixen catch her Bunny? Stay tuned for the next episode of 00911/The misadventures of Agent When.

Uber_Vixen
Uber_Vixen smiled and handed the guard the container of glue.

He thinks he can escape from me. Ha! No matter what he does or where he goes I will follow him, through valley deep or… Uhm.

The guard coughed expectantly and Vixen motioned him to leave the room, an embarrassed look on her face. She immediately started out the door, an Acme-Rabbit finder in hand. It beeped with two signals, one moving off towards Halifax, Nova Scotia and the other stationary and close by.
Vixen rolled her eyes and stepped into the alley, stopping beside a whimpering trashcan. Fourthof5 looked up terrified and tried to burrow into the wall with his shoulderblades. Vixen smiled, a smile suspiciously friendly from one in league with Prince.

“You don’t have to fear me. I mean you no harm.”

“NO HARM!? You put me in a rabbit suit! You stalked me to Canada! You’re eeeeeeeeevil!!!”

Vixen looked stung.

“That’s how you really think of me? Just because I am totally and utterly devoted to my Prince and have up until now completely supported all of his evil plans? That’s very closed minded of you.”

Vixen turned in a huff and walked away.

“You didn’t seem that devoted while that Kai clone was in the room.”

Vixen froze. If Fourthof5 had been facing her, he would have seen her face was as red as a beetroot.

You have no idea… What would you be like if it had of been Xev in the room? Hey!?” “I don’t think that has anythi-” “See!

“Err…”

Vixen turned on her heel and gave fourth a resigned look. He stood up in all his bunnified-glory.

“I was going to help you. I think you’d agree I’ve gotten my revenge,”
Vixen chuckled, looking Fourth up and down with an appraising eye. “It’s times like these you need allies. I need allies. I’m so tired of been bad, so very, very bad.”

Vixen sighed and looked at Fourth from under her eyelashes.

“What? Uh, well…erm…I guess I could…uhm…” Fourth faltered when Vixen tilted her head to the side and smiled. “Wonderful! Look, as much as I follow Prince, I would rather see you win in this situation.” She toyed with an white fluffy ear. “I would hate to see someone hurt on my account.”

“What, errr, what do you mean?”

“Well, at this very moment, Prince is trying to capture Chief Streudel.” Fourth was not shocked. “He’s somehow found a way of controlling her. But you, you are the one to save that fine woman!”

“Me?”

“Of course!” Vixen looked surprised he had not realised. “You are the only one who can stop Prince. Why, you’re even under cover, what with the rabbit suit and all.”

Vixen stifled a giggle and went on.

“You have to follow them to Halifax. Try and stop Prince from capturing Streudel, who knows what nefarious scheme he has thought up for her!”

“Wellll… I was hoping I could break into the Playboy mansion and-”

“Nono, you’ll have time for that later. Halifax – NOW!”

A car pulled up in front of the alleyway and Vixen herded fourth into it. Fourth gave a confused look out the window at the waving Uber_Vixen.

“HAVE FUN!” she yelled with a huge grin. The car sped into the distance.

Vixen’s smile vanishes and she sighed. A moth fluttered out of the sky and landed in front of Vixen. A yellow clad guard hopped out and held the door open while Vixen climbed in. Gripping the joystick the chittering moth lurched into the air.

That was stupid. I hope it was worth all that – ugh – fawning. I wonder if he really believes he can do anything to stop Prince… Hahahahaha! I wonder what the two agents’ reaction will be to seeing fourth in that rabbit suit…

Vixen grinned evilly and turned her moth in the direction of Germany…

Will fourth be able to stop Prince in any way whatsoever? Why is Prince controlling Chief Streudel? Will Streudel turn to the dark…zone now that she’s on the same team as that luscious, dreamy, pouty – er, oh – MM-clone? What will Agent When and Bryn do to the rabbit-clone (Fourth) if he does in fact catch up to them? What awaits the group in Germany? And where the hell did Fifi go?! All these questions answered and more in the next thrilling instalment of 00911/The misadventures of Agent When! (Disclaimer- Provision of said answers and/or satisfaction not guaranteed in any way by the writing staff).