00-911 The Misadventures of Agent When Part 4

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    nursewhen
    Participant

    Streudel

    ” I will do as you request. ”

    Chief Streudel stole a glance at the visibly agitated clone reflected in the moth’s eye lens. This look was certainly not a part of the standard Kai repertoire. Nor was it part of his auxiliary repertoire.

    Streudel would know.

    In her capacity as Chief of Acme Labs Reclusive Actor Division, she had always made it a point to research her quarry to the point of obsession. Case#69-69-69-0 McMannors, Marcus aka ‘Kai’ was no exception. She had immersed herself in the case to the point of injury. Exhausting hours of watching frame by frame reconnaissance on the ‘K-town’ scene where said subject loses his codpiece caused her retinas to detach requiring laser eye surgery. Excessive salivation led to near-fatal dehydration and a lengthy hospital stay after a marathon night of research on the ” Trip ” episode. The Carrot Incident is classified information, but let’s just say the Acme doctors were flabbergasted at her dedication to her profession.

    As a result of her tireless zeal for her craft, Chief Streudel had an encyclopaedic knowledge of every rhythm of expression ‘Kai’ had. The clone had stepped outside of her field of expertise. This look made his demeanour in ‘Wake The Dead’ look like flirtation. In a flash, it struck her why.

    In every other instance of ‘Kai’ displaying a strong reaction, there had been a controlling factor, a logical reason for his illogical behaviour. Control by HDS, Brizon, the effects of radiation, an invalid revivification sequence, a nasty tumble, they were all outside stimulus dictating his course of action.

    The clone had nothing but his own emotions and judgement to determine his actions. For now, Prince was not there to clamp down on his hitherto undiscovered emotions, not there to provide a directive. In WTD, ‘Kai’ was limited by the directive to stalk and kill in cool and inventive ways. This clone, if he were to discover that he alone was in charge, and decided to act on his new-found agitation, was likely to simply explode with no warning, no agenda to make his actions predictable. In all likelihood, he would make Streudel long for an good old fashioned neck snapping. She looked at his reflection in the moth’s eye lens again.

    In another blinding flash, Streudel came to another realisation.

    She was staring at his reflection without thudding. She was too petrified to thud. And he was too furious to attempt to control her. It was all he could do to control himself.

    Streudel quickly realised she had but 3 viable options.

    The first being to back off the clone and allow him to regain control of himself. However, this would also mean giving up the one means of control she had over him. She would probably thud at some point, be taken to the Lexx and delivered into Prince’s waiting hands. Streudel did not entertain that thought for long. Anything was the lesser of two evils compared to Prince.

    Option# 2 was to continue to try to manipulate him through his emotions in order to distract him from his original mission. Maybe if she could buy enough time, she could help him as well as herself to get free from Prince’s influence. But this gambit was all or nothing. She would have to play the game aggressively.

    #3 was to simply hoof it the first chance she got, and hope this one was not as accurate with that brace as the original Kai. She was not sure at all she could trust him not to add a new permanent part to her hair. And if she did manage to get away, what might she do to her friends once she fell under Prince’s control again?

    Streudel chose #2. She picked up her proverbial stick, and began to poke the tiger through the cage bars.

    Chief Streudel roughly grabbed the clone’s face. She drew within an inch of his nose, glaring into his disbelieving eyes.

    “You’re goddamn right you’ll do as I request,” she snarled. ” I could tell from the moment I saw that froo-froo little hair do,” she said twirling the forelock around her finger,” I knew you were a whipped little b*tch…Prince’s little b*tch. Now you’re my little b*tch until he returns. You have no power over me, and you can’t kill me. I’ve got you up by the balls, now don’t I?”

    After what seemed like a frozen eternity, the clone narrowed the gap between them. Their eyes locked in a silent contest of wills. The clone laughed maniacally in her face as he snared her around the waist. With a forceful forward shove of the joystick, he sent the moth into an impossibly steep nose dive at maximum velocity.

    ” Yo Way Yo…” the clone’s voice thundered through the moth’s interior.

    Sh*t!!!! Shoulda picked door #3 she thought.

    **********

    The moth screamed toward the little blue planet without a hint of hesitation for about 30 seconds; approximately the time it takes sing the full version of Yo Way Yo. Streudel was well beyond the ability to scream herself.

    At about 100 ft. from the ground ( and in the last measure of his song ) the clone reversed the joystick’s direction to skim the treeline. He set the moth down with the grace and delicacy of a prima ballerina, his last “G” fading out with the moth’s chirping.

    The clone turned to inspect Streudel face’s for her reaction to his performance. She tried not to show her fear on the outside, but on the inside she was the consistency of Lexx spew. Plus, she was fairly certain she didn’t need to go potty anymore. When she regained an iota of her composure, she discerned their location to be a restaurant.

    ” I have done what you requested of me. ” he said flatly.

    ” Yeah, I seem to recall putting in a request for a burger and a song. ” Streudel said in a cracked whisper.

    ” Then I have completed my portion of the bargain. You will be silent until we reach the Lexx. ”

    ” Not on your nelly, HoneyBun,” she said, patty-patting him on the top of his head. His eyes rolled skyward to see what she was doing to his coif. ” I have not yet begun to nag! ” she stated triumphantly.

    Chief Streudel read the establishment’s roadside sign. ”

    WTF is this! Uncle Happy’s Burger Barn and Roadside Circus! I SAID McDonald’s! How the Mcfuck does a McMannors knockoff fail to spot a McDonald’s knockoff?!” Streudel ranted.

    ” It has burgers and clowns. I fail to see any relevant difference. ” he replied matter-of-factly.

    ” The hell with it, let’s go eat.” she said.

    In a back booth, the battle of wills continued. Streudel jabbing and nagging, and the Kai clone pouting and quivering. The contest seemed to be in an intermission while they ate. The Kai clone was the first to violate the cease fire.

    Noting that Streudel gave the most seemingly imperceptible glance at his mouth while he ate, the clone formulated a different tactic.

    He began to lick the dripping remnants of his Double Slopper With Cheese off his fingertips. First, he opened his mouth and dragged his thumb down his tongue, right to the tip. Then he encircled the digit, swirling his tongue around it in sweeping passes, before finally drawing it in deeply, suckling it while rolling his eyes in mock ecstasy.

    Streudel caught herself mid-thud and quickly turned away. The clone adjusted strategy again by beginning the same treatment on Streudel’s fingers.

    Holy Jeebus, I could use a diversion right about now!

    Streudel got her wish threefold.

    Just as the Chief thought to break out the dreaded Barney Song, causing the clone to brutally pummel his own head into the table, Agent When threw open the restaurant doors and took aim at the clone with the Divine Assassinator 3000. The Kai levelled his brace arm at her.

    *CRASH*

    Marcus had engaged the ejector seat of the Droolmobile and descended through the roof of the restaurant, to land squarely in the middle of the kiddie stage, bowling over a chorus line of tap dancing chimps. He hardly missed a beat, quickly rising to join the monkeys in their cacophonous performance. Marcus strutted around bowlegged, scratching his armpits, crying ” OOH OOH OOH, AHH,AHH, AHH!!! MONKEYS!!!! ” With a chimp-like grin covering his face ear-to-ear, he jumped up and down, applauding himself most enthusiastically.

    The momentary distraction was all the clone needed. He changed his target from Agent When to the newly created hole in the ceiling. In a fluid motion, he snatched Chief Streudel’s wrist and fired his brace into the makeshift skylight. Agent When got a shot off a fraction of a second too late. Bryn ran up behind When to catch the tail end of the fracas.

    ” I told you we should’ve hit the drive-thru…” Bryn said.

    Will that poor clone ever be rid of his exasperating hitchhiker? Will Agent When do the driving in an exciting chase scene complete with banjo get away music? Will Agent When and Bryn decide to drop Marcus off in a petting zoo? What of the German end of our story? What will become of a certain beautiful blue haired Lexx leading lady? Where the HELL is FiFi??!! Oh, yeah, Germany! What fresh horror can perfidious Agent Fourthof5 be subjected to? The answers to these questions and more in the next thrilling instalment of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When!!!

    Uber_Vixen

    Uber_Vixen strode angrily into the cryopod chamber and pushed Fifi away from the controls. Giving him the sort of look a mother gives a misbehaving child, she hit some of the buttons, effectively locking the cryopod from opening.

    “I don’t know what you think you were doing young man, but I certainly won’t let you have your way with this prize,” a jetlagged Vixen scolded. Fifi scowled. “Prince said you were to brief me on the situation at hand. What the hell is going on?” Vixen demanded while smoothing down airplane/moth hair. Fifi avoided the subject. “I hope you’ve dealt with that treacherous Fourthof5. I was pissed I didn’t get to torture him.”

    Vixen eyed Fifi suspiciously.

    “Yeahhh, where were you that day? You told me tha-”

    “I was busy. Doing…stuff,” Fifi butted in nervously, subconsciously rubbing his behind. He muttered inaudibly but the word sounding strangely like “carrot” could be made out. Vixen’s mouth tightened but she did not question him further.

    “So why have we got this sex-on-a-stick-sicle in frozen storage anyway? I wouldn’t think anyone would want to see her ever again. She’s so…passe. Think of a new concept people!” Vixen snarled at the cryopod while smoothing down her own pale blue outfit. The strange brown pipe instrument hung once again from her wrist. “Pft, you call that fashion?”

    Fifi raised an eyebrow and interrupted with his grating, nasal voice.

    “The woman calls herself Diva, but she’s known around as Zev. Prince seduced her.” Vixen froze. “Pretty easy considering how naive she was acting. So now she’s here and Prince has been manipulating her for months. Who knows what she’ll do for the guy. I mean, he is pretty sexy. All that intimate sniffing…and licking…” Fifi’s eyes glazed over.

    “And this is all part of Prince’s plan to get the key? He wants to use Diva against Bryn?” Vixen secretly crossed her fingers.

    “I guess. If that’s what he really is aiming for. Chief Streudel is still in the custody of the Kai clone, but Bryn and Agent When are in close pursuit. At least after a 16 hour detour…”

    “And now Lyekka’s appeared,” Vixen added thoughtfully.

    “Lyekka?”

    “I spotted her pod headed towards Halifax. Just another thing to add to our worries. I lost contact with the Fourth after an utterly hilarious episode with that onboard help assistant I planted in the Droolmobile

    ” Vixen burst into laughter and rolled around on the ground giggling for several minutes before Fifi’s attempts to regain her attention had any effect. “It was…hahaha…brilliant…you should hahahaha…have heard it! All the screaming about a carrot!”

    Vixen gasped for breath and Fifi looked on with a nervous look on his face. Vixen slowly regained composure and coughed uncomfortably. “Where is Prince now?”

    “Still floating around in TV land somewhere, who knows. But he aint here.”

    A muscle-bound robot thumped into the room, towering above Vixen and Fifi on its platform shoes. Fifi gave the robot’s toned torso an appraising look and discreetly licked his lips. It’s robot head looked down at the television set it carried in its arms.

    “Prince wishes to communicate,” it droned, placing the television on the control stand. The TV flicked into life and a picture of Prince appeared. The robot thumped out of the chamber, Fifi’s eyes lingering on its derrier.

    “Vixen. Fifi… Fifi! Pay attention!” Prince snapped.

    “Huh, wha? Oh, hi my Prince.”

    Vixen folded her arms across her chest and watched the set glumly. Her pointy ears had turned a little green.

    “There has been a slight…alteration in my plans. I’m stuck. And I want out.”

    Vixen smirked. Fifi shrugged and casually walked towards the TV, arms outstretched. Vixen yelled and dived forwards in slow-motion, only to knock Fifi into the control stand with even more force. The television wobbled a little and smashed to the ground. The image of a bemused Prince flickered out. Vixen and Fifi were still for a moment as they stared at the smoking heap.

    “You fool! What in Nigel’s name did you do that for?!”

    “I dunno, he said he wanted out.” Fifi shrugged nonchalantly.

    “You idiot!” Vixen thwapped him across the head. “He could be anywhere now! There is no guarantee he’d be able to come back to life this time!”

    “Well, I thought that was his deal. Dying never stopped him before.”

    “You didn’t kill him, puss-bag! You may very well have trapped him in the ether. He might never come back!” Vixen froze in mid-thwap. “Never… Coming… Back… Oooh!!!”

    Vixen jumped to her feet and fiddled with the cryopod controls. With a foggy hiss, the lid swung upward and Diva groaned. Vixen grinned evilly and cracked her knuckles. Fifi stood up awkwardly, rubbing his sore spots and staggered towards the cryopod.

    “Hey baby. You look like my kinda gir-” *BOOF*

    Fifi flew backwards from the impact of Diva’s fist and crumpled into an unconscious heap on the floor. Vixen smiled and the women made eye contact. Uber understood then what the fuss was about.

    “Where is Prince?” Diva demanded angrily in a strong German accent. “He left me in charge.”

    Diva paused and considered this for a moment. Vixen’s self-satisfied smile was sickeningly smug.

    “Right. What does he want me to do?” “Some of your old friends will be arriving here in Germany soon. Do you remember Bryn perchance? What about Kai?” Vixen smiled.

    ~~~~~

    Fourthof5 sat in the back seat and glared at Marcus. Just when he had thought he was going to hit it off with a nice girl, it had all been chewed into a million pieces. Literally.

    Always getting all the attention! What in Nigel’s name does she see in him? *Sulk*

    Lyekka glanced over at Fourth from her position in Marcus’s vicelike bearhug and winked. Fourth’s eyes widened and he grinned cheesily. Lyekka licked her lips teasingly and smiled. Fourth’s viewscreen became obscured by fog and the persistent sounds of Marcus’s giggling and Agent when’s attempts to get Bryn to let her have control of the wheel faded. His craving for a hearty meal of vegemite burgers disappeared as he sighed dreamily and gazed out the window as best he could at the passing terrain.

    Will anyone give Vixen some direction in the plot? Will Prince reappear? What is Vixen planning to do with Zev? Is her agenda the same as Prince’s? Has Uber_Vixen made a very, very, very bad choice? What of the Halifax end of the story? How long will it be till they actually arrive in Germany? Will Diva and Vixen have to play chess to pass the time? And will Fourth’s luck ever change? Does Lyekka really have any interest in the Stan lookalike at all? Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment of 00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When (1313, Fourthof5, Nothing good ever happens to me).

    Nursewhen

    The Kai clone swings up through the hole in the ceiling, taking Chief Streudel with him. “Nooooo!” Cries agent When. “Bring her back!” She shoulders the weapon and aims at the rapidly disappearing bodies.

    Bryn runs up behind her. “I told you we should’ve hit the drive-thru”, he says.

    Agent When jumps, spins round and accidentally discharges the Divine Assassin 3000 at point blank range.

    Bryn is hit with a stream of chocolate fudge sauce, which knocks him off his feet. “Oh I’m sorry!2 Cries agent when. She pulls a lever and the srteam changes to whipped cream. “Dammit!” Another adjustment and Bryn is liberally sprinkled with chocolate chips.

    “What the hell kind of weapon is that?” Cries Bryn in shock.

    “I’m sorry, I got the settings wrong. I was supposed to be firing the sink plunger on a rope and I was aiming for chief Streudel.”

    “Ye managed to fire everything but!” The weapon lurches once more and the sink plunger hits Bryn in the middle of his forehead. Bryn slides into unconsciousness is a pool of chocolate sauce.

    *CLANG, CLANG, CLANG*

    “Whhaa hpnd sttrdl?”

    “What happened to Streudel? She’s gone. The clone took her again.” Agent When dejectedly lowers the Divine Assassin 3000 and lets it hang from her finger tips. “I failed her and I’ve covered Bryn in chocolate fudge sauce, cream and chocolate chips and I’ve knocked him unconscious.”

    Fourthof5 makes a sympathetic whimpering noise and pats agent When’s arm.

    “You know Fourth, what the hell are you doing working for EGG? I’m sure you’re one of the good guys. Crap like this doesn’t happen to bad guys.”

    “crp alw hpns t me.”

    “Come here.” Agent when unbuckles the divers helmet and lifts it off.

    “Crap always happens to me.”

    “Well why don’t you consider changing sides. At least you’ll have somebody to talk to while crap happens. Help me with Bryn would you.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Uber Vixen laughs her evil laugh and thinks of the carefully laid trap she has waiting for Bryn and his companions. She would have the key, the Lexx and Prince would be grateful. A slow smile creeps over her face. Prince grateful *drool*. She would also have the Kai clone *more drool*and Marcus himself *positive torrent of drool*. “Oh hell” she mutters to herself “Another outfit ruined. Damn these sexy men!”

    The bug she’d attached to Fourthof5’s ear is still transmitting. She switches on the auditory receptors and is immediately assailed with the shouting and arguing that had been going on continually between Bryn and Agent When ever since the Droolmobile started moving.

    “…was an accident!”

    “Accident! You managed to shoot me with every form of ammunition that thing fires.”

    “8220;No I di…”

    “And I don’t like being publicly hosed down!”

    “Well you wouldn’t let me li…”

    “And I’m not happy about this policewoman’s uniform either!”

    Uber_vixen turns the receptor off and checks her watch. “Should be just about at Halifax by now.” She muses to herself. “It won’t be long before they come running into my evil web of perfidy, duplicity and deceit in Germany. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

    She flicks on the positional receptor and homes in on Nova Scotia. Nothing. Where was the little flashing light that represented the Droolmobile. She switches on the auditory receptor again. Judging from the grunts and gasps, When and Bryn were now physically wrestling for control of the steering wheel.

    “Where the hell are they?” agent Uber_Vixen widens the scope of the positional receptor. West of Nova Scotia and into New Brunswick. Still nothing! Further still and there it is. The little flashing light is heading out of Montreal towards Ottawa.

    “I don’t believe it!” She screams. “Bryn must be driving! They’re never going to get to Germany!”

    “Are you haffing some trouble?” asks a silky voice behind her. Uber_Vixen turns and finds herself looking into Zev’s perfect but faintly mocking smile. Uber_Vixen suddenly wishes she’d brushed her moth blown hair and didn’t have drool down her pale blue outfit.

    “What hass gone wrong?” Zev switches the audio receptor back on.

    “…just give me the wheel! I know how to turn this thing.”

    “I know what I’m doing, we’re nearly there.”

    “We’re nearly at Vancouver! To get to Halifax we’d need to circumnavigate the globe!”

    “Look just calm down, you’re getting all hysterical.”

    “I am NOT getting HYSTERICAL!!… Bryn, we’re coming up to a traffic light! Bryn! Please don’t press that…”

    *BOING CRASH*

    Zev switches off the auditory receptor. “It looks like it’s all going wrong.” She smiles complacently,
    “I hope you haff a plan B.”

    Uber_Vixen’s hackles begin to rise. “Yes. I haff, I mean I have a plan B. If the mountain won’t go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will have to goto the mountain. Get packed, we’re going to Canada.”

    Fourthof5.

    Fourthof5 was uncomfortable, even with the diving Helmet off, the rubber suit that Agent When had given him was starting to get very irritating.
    He had, in fact, asked for Agent When to stop somewhere so he could get something else. However, Lyekka had secretly whispered into his ear that she liked him in that suit. Adding that she did not like the taste of rubber, so she would not eat him unless there was nothing else.

    That’s it Fourth. Always compromise yourself to get the chick He thought.

    He had looked in the mirror not long after he had been “Reborn” and was startled to see that he had a head of bright red hair. Bryn had noticed too, and had asked Lyekka why she always seemed to make people with red hear.

    “I like red.” She had said. “It reminds me of carrots. They’re Yummy.”

    “Is there any chance that at some stage we might stop for some food.” Fourth asked. “Yes I know that things don’t go according to plan when we try to eat. At least we should try to get something that we can store in the car.”

    “We have.” Said Bryn. ” I am still covered in chocolate sundae because Agent When won’t let me wipe it off”

    “I am not about to eat chocolate off you Bryn.” Said Fourth.

    “I will” piped in When.

    “No” Said Bryn, “you need to concentrate on your driving and not on a chocolate Bryn.”

    It was to much for when. She started to feel dizzy and swooned in her seat. Lyekka managed to stretch her arms and take control of the wheel while Bryn tried to stop the car.

    It took a few moments, but the combination of yelling and finger pointing allowed everyone to be accounted for, and that they were generally unhurt (eccept of course for When’s pride which had been severely dented).
    The Lexx-us itself was in a ditch, but did not seem that badly damaged. When had tried to restart it in the hopes of assisting in getting the car out, but it would not start. It was about then that the rest of the Lexx-us crew noticed the smell of petrol.
    On further in spection MM had told them that the fuel tank was split; that the LEXX-us was out of fuel.

    “The first time since I have been in the car with him that he says something remotely normal and it is to tell us that were in deep sh*t.” Said Fourth.

    “What the hell are we going to do now.”

    “I guess we have to start walking” Said When

    “I am Hungry” Said Lyekka

    “Eat him.” Said Fourthof5, pointing at MM, “He’s next to bloody unless”

    “No!” said When as Lyekka moved in.”We need him”

    “I am hungry. I have to eat.”

    “We are in a forest. Why don’t you go see if there are any bunnys around. You could eat them.”

    “I like Bunnys. They’re Yummy.” Said Lyekka as she slowly moved off into the forest.

    “Well at least she gets to eat.” Said Fourth.

    Will Fourth Lyekka, MM, Bryn and When make it to Halifax in time? Will they ever get anything to eat? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of 00911/the Misadventures of Agent When.

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