Streudel

This is super long, so get out your popcorn…

Perched atop the roof of the ‘Uncle Happy’s Burger Barn And Roadside Circus’, Chief Streudel thought she was going to lose her Double Slopper With Cheese.
After the moth ride from hell earlier, she was quickly developing a phobia of heights and flying. Knowing there was about to be another flight in her future made her stomach pitch and roll violently.
By the time she heard the click of the clone’s brace mechanism, she had to cover her mouth with her hand.

The brace struck its target, a large tree nearly twice the height of Uncle Happy’s. Streudel prayed the brace didn’t come from Acme’s Weapons Division. Visions of the Coyote smacking into a canyon wall flashed before her eyes.

Streaking through the air in a graceful arc, the pair came to a stumbling stop approximately 10 ft from the waiting Moth. The Kai retracted his weapon from the tree.
Streudel was resistant to being herded to the Moth without being given a minute to hurl her lunch onto the parking lot. But her struggling, cursing, and screaming had no effect.

The Chief was getting desperate. She knew she had played the stalling card for all it was worth. Her options were looking very scarce indeed. If she didn’t figure out some thing before they were above the treetops, she was as good as in Prince’s hands.

She attempted to jump out on take off, but the clone seemed to have expected the tactic. He encircled her wrist in a steely grip before she had moved even a few inches toward freedom.

Finally, as they reached treetop level, she pulled out her last-ditch
option. She kicked the joystick forward with her foot. This began a struggle for control of the Moth. The little bug chirped excitedly as it careened through forest canopy.

The Kai was getting the upper hand when he spied incoming trouble. A very large oak tree loomed directly in the Moth’s path. Without a moment’s hesitation, he flung his passenger and himself from the out-of-control vehicle.

The Moth impacted the tree and erupted into a ball of green flame. Barbecue Moth rained down on its former occupants.

Streudel lay motionless with her eyes closed. She had heard that when you die, you see a bright light. According to Lexx canon, you see Prince at the point of death. As neither seemed to be present, she guessed she was still alive though definitely worse for wear.

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open to reveal the clone kneeling over her, trying to ascertain her condition.

“What was the purpose to your actions?” He tilted his head slightly, looking about as befuddled as a Kai can look.

Chief Streudel did not respond. She thought it should be fairly obvious what her reasoning was.

“You have only delayed the inevitable. I will deliver you to the Lexx
as instructed.” he stated.

Streudel propped herself up on one elbow, smiling smugly. ”

And how, pray tell, are you going to do that, hmmm…? Hijack a space shuttle? The space program has been halted in the US due to the Columbia tragedy. And although the Canadians are known for producing a couple of the most noteworthy Starship Captains in TV history, they are not, however known for producing Space Shuttles that have an automatic transmission to facilitate ease of theft. We… Honeybun… are grounded.”

She patty-patted the clone on his rapidly deflating coif, which, after rolling through the forest floor, was beginning to resemble a poorly constructed bird’s nest.

The clone’s eyes cast downward, his lips pursed tightly in thought.

“As Prince seems to be dead… for now… I will deliver you to Agent
Vixen in Germany and we will both wait in cryostasis until Prince returns.”

* Does anyone remember that smug look Kai had in Nook when he cleaved that bun in half? Insert that look here.*

“And how do you expect to get there? Hijack a flight to Germany? Since 9/11, a pilot would crash the plane before letting you hijack it. And, no, they don’t come with automatic transmissions and giant steering wheels to facilitate theft, either… Maybe you should start flapping your arms… heheheh.”

Chief Streudel was feeling her Secret Agent confidence returning.

” Agent Vixen has a moth in her possession. I will procure a communications device and request her assistance,” came his monotone reply.

Sh*t! Didn’t think of that… Think, Streudel, think!

“Are you able to walk?” he asked.

“Yes.” she replied, remaining reclined.

“Then you will accompany me… now,” he instructed.

“No, I won’t…”

The Kai unsheathed his brace and pressed it to the Chief’s throat. “You will comply,” his voice dropped to an ominous rumble.

“I’m an Acme Actor Retrieval Agent. I will die before I allow myself to be a pawn in Prince’s plot.”

The ever-resourceful Kai quickly switched gears. His brace returned to its sheath.

” Please…” he whispered huskily, stroking the tender spot under her jaw where his weapon had been previously. His eyes became doe-like, his features softening into a biogenetically engineered uber-pout. It was a puppy dog look that would make Lassie jealous.

Streudel snapped her eyes shut.

Must… not… look! Must… resist… urge… to drool. Think, Streudel, think! What would Agent When do?

Streudel began to giggle. She graduated to a full-blown sputtering, gasping, snorting, laughing fit.

“No! I won’t!” she exclaimed between peals of laughter. The clone did not look amused.

“Why are you laughing at me?” he queried.

“I…*hee hee*…just figured out how to defend against your…*snort*…accelerated charisma. I just imagine you in the most ridiculous way I can. Right now, I’m picturing you naked with nothing on but socks with garters and Stanley Tweedle’s hat perched on top of that bird’s nest of yours…” Streudel dissolved into unfettered guffaws.

“I will carry you.” He placed the Chief’s arms over his shoulders and lifted her like a backpack.

Streudel laughed and resumed her usual unending babble, determined to make this the piggyback ride from hell for the imitation Dead Man.

“So, Honeybun, may I call you Honeybun?” she asked as she pattypatted his head. She never grew tired of watching his coif bounce and jiggle like Jello.

“No.”

“Right. Anyway, Honeybun, I was thinking…since you were SO entertaining on our last trip together, that I’d entertain you this time. I thought I’d recite poetry from 790’s Kai collection…

” Streudel thought she could hear the clone’s teeth grinding.

“… followed by a perpetual loop of Children’s Songs, including your favourite and mine, The Barney Song! … on to the poetry … *ahem* …
There is a Dead Man…er… Clone, frozen, but ripe for plucking… There is a Kai, cold, but ripe for-” Streudel stopped short at the distant sound of tyres squealing followed by a loud crashing.

********************

“Conference time…” Bryn whispered in When’s ear. He led her away from the rest of the group.

“You are the only relatively sane and trustworthy person in this little expedition. I say we tell the others we’re goin’ for gas and not come back. When Lyekka goes hunting, we tell that little turd Fourth to watch the car while we’re gone, then we leg it and find a car to borrow…” Bryn suggested.

“I don’t know how to steal a car.” When protested.

“You’re a Secret Agent, but you don’t know how to steal a car? What exactly did they teach you at Acme Secret Agent School?”

“How to paint a convincing set of railroad tracks in 30 seconds… how to re-inflate yourself after being flattened by a boulder… how to insert your finger into the barrel of a gun to make it backfire… how to chase prey with a fork and knife in hands without putting your own eye out… you know, useful stuff.”

“So we hitchhike… I’m starting to feel a might uneasy around Lyekka… She has a certain fondness for me, but I don’t trust her when I’m a walking hot fudge sundae. And I definitely DON’T trust the perfidious Fourthof5… They don’t call him perfidious for nothin’, y’know?”

“But what about Marcus? He looks like a freakin’ lunatic! No one’s going to pick us up with him looking like that!”

Agent When pointed to Marcus swinging from a tree dressed in one of the tap dancing chimp’s outfits, a spangly ensemble many sizes too small complete with a bell hop style hat with a propeller on top.

“True. We’ll have to improvise… Let’s see what you have in the Droolmobile. And let’s tie that perfidious Fourth of 5 to a tree,” he said.

“Why?” the agent asked.

“Because it will improve my mood…” Bryn said with a very Tweedlesque inflection.

*********************

“I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME…” Streudel had been off-key warbling the clone’s favourite tune for an hour non-stop.

The clone’s usual wobbly cat walk had morphed into a stomping march of sorts. Streudel thought she heard a sniffle. He had started to cry. Setting down his load, he broke down into wet, snotty, heaving sobs.

“Are we there yet?” Streudel asked.

“Please, for the Love of the Supreme Beans, STOP!” The Kai collapsed to his knees and buried his face in his hands. “I was just doing what I have been designed for… Why do you torture me? It’s not like I killed YOUR mother or baby… I try to be a good Divine Assassin… but nothing in my experience has prepared me for the power of your… evil,” he said, wiping a tear with the back of his hand. ” How do you resist me? What power allows you to ignore my pout and continue to punish me?” he asked, sounding thoroughly defeated.

“I’m a Mother… I am pout resistant… sure, it gets to me sometimes… but then I call on my Nagging Power… you never stood a chance.” Streudel fished another tissue from her ample cleavage. “Now, be a good little Assassin and blow…”

He did as instructed. Streudel wadded the used tissue and returned it to whence it came.

“EEEWWWW!!!” The Clone looked mortified.

” Hold still,” Streudel licked her thumb and began wiping smudges off his tearstained face. Completing her task, she kissed the clone on his forehead.

“There, there… that’s all better, isn’t it? ” She took the clone by the hand. ” Let’s go, ”

Streudel pointed to the dilapidated VW Bus that had stopped next to them.
The clone rose swiftly and stalked over to the driver’s side of the hippie van. Raising his brace arm, he prepared to threaten the hapless hippie. Chief Streudel grabbed the Kai’s arm.

“I think they’ll take us anywhere we want to go for gas money and a bag of Fritos… There’s no need for the ‘ I am a Divine Assassin, I have killed mothers and babies’ schtick.” The clone hung his head.

“If you are certain…” he said, looking for all the world like he wanted to kick the dirt.

“He’s having a bad day,” Streudel informed the bewildered hippie driver.

The driver and his passenger regarded the clone, eyes travelling up and down the length of him several times, marvelling at his black assassin’s attire and ebony tresses, which were in wild disarray. A vole crept out of what was left of his bun, dislodging twigs and berries as it exited.

“A Gothic hippie… What will these kids come up with next?” The driver said, peering over his round purple shades. “Where are you kids headed to?” he asked the pair as they climbed in the back of the Bus.

“Beyond the Earth’s atmosphere, to rendezvous with the Lexx. However, if you are unable to provide us with a suitable transport or a communications device, you may take us to Germany,” the clone responded matter of factly.

“Well, I can’t help ya with hooking up with this “Lexx” dude, but I think I can find a way to put you into orbit,” he said, passing a joint back to Chief Streudel with a knowing smile.

*************************

Bryn finished securing the perfidious Fourth of 5 to sturdy looking oak tree.

“See ya, don’t wanna be ya,” he said.

“I think we’re ready Bryn,” Agent When announced.

“Agent When, I take back anything I ever said about your Acme training…” he said, admiring When’s handiwork. “You are absolutely amazing.”

“Thanks!” Agent When stopped strapping on her rocket power roller skates long enough to flash Bryn a winning smile.

He was right. Agent When’s resourcefulness was nothing short of inspired.

She found Streudel’s spare set of rocket roller skates in the trunk of the Droolmobile, and attached them to the Droolmobile’s industrial sized toolbox. She fashioned a primitive sail out of the MM blow up doll.

Tying a lead from the toolbox to her waist, she motioned to Bryn to hop on her back. Bryn turned to Marcus and spun the propeller on his hat. “You ready, buddy?”

Marcus shook his head vigorously, clutching his latest find close to his chest.

“Alright, Mikey, the bunny can come with us…” Bryn sighed and squeezed Marcus shoulder.

He mounted Agent When (get your filthy minds out the gutter, it’s too crowded in here already) and the trio rocketed down the deserted Canadian highway.

**********************

Streudel pulled the fragrant smoke deeply into her lungs and willed it to stay there.

“So, Honeybun, tell me a little about yourself,” Streudel spat out amid convulsing coughs.

“What do you wish to know?”

“Well, how did Prince clone you from decarbonised matter? How does Prince control you? Do you have the memories of the Original Kai? Why were you jamming your tongue in my ear the first time we met?”

A million other questions were jostling around in the Chief’s pot-addled brain, but she thought she should give him a chance to respond first. She grinned and decided to pose one more question before allowing him to answer.

“Wanna hit?” she gagged, spewing a cloud of smoke in the Kai’s direction.

The clone’s nose scrunched up as he sniffed the air.

“It is a mixture of tars, resins, carcinogens, cannaboids, and inert plant matter. It is detrimental to your health. Why would you ingest such a substance?” the clone brow was knitted in thought, trying to understand his odd travelling companion.

“Take a hit and you’ll find out why.”

“I don’t think that would be advisable.”

“Suit yourself, Honeybun…So, what about it? Why were you playing tongue hockey with me in the cabin? ” Streudel blew smoke rings at the Kai.

“I am equipped with the ability to transfer a small amount of my nanites to a host via bodily secretions. My nanites are used by Prince to control me and whoever I transfer them to.”

“You mean to tell me that when I finally get a hold of the finest looking man in the Two Universes, he gives me the science fiction equivalent of crabs?! You bastard!” Streudel was fit to be tied. “So, what else do these nanites do? I mean, you’re not dead like the original Kai, so what purpose do they have in living flesh, besides allowing Prince to control you?”

“They allow me to access the memories of my predecessor, as well as allowing me to heal at an accelerated pace.”

“But what I really want to know is how you were cloned. As far as I can tell, decarbonised matter can’t be cloned. Did Prince bring “Marcus” to life in order to clone him? To what end?”

“Prince altered my predecessor’s non-living state, but he did not clone me from him.”

“What! Who did?” Streudel sat bolt upright at hearing this revelation.

The Clone began to remove his uniform top.

“What are you doing?”

The clone turned his back to her to reveal a tattoo. The Chief cautiously approached and read the inscription. Copyright 2001 Acme Labs Actor Cloning Division.

“OMG, Acme cloned you?!” Streudel’s jaw dropped.

The Clone didn’t respond. Streudel spun him around to face her. His hazel eyes had a red tinge to them, and they were rapidly becoming glazed.

“You’re high from a couple of hits blown in your face? Heheheh… lightweight.” Streudel chuckled.

“My nanites must have allowed me to more efficiently process…the…intox…did I just say that?” The clone began to giggle like a little girl.

“Stay with me Honeybun, why did Acme clone you?” Streudel shook the loopy clone.

The clone looked away from the Chief shyly. He appeared as though he was flushed. With a look of trepidation, he returned his gaze.

“So, did you mean it when you said I’m the finest looking man in the Two Universes?” he asked with a sh*t-eatin’ grin.

“Yes, I did,” she said, holding his face gently in her hands. “But what we need to focus on is how we’re gonna help me and you. Tell more about Acme and how you came to be…” Streudel dared to look deeply into his eyes. A wave of sympathy washed over her. He was really just an innocent, albeit an extremely dangerous one.

“I think…you’re…beautiful…too,” the clone slurred dreamily.

“Yeah, but-” He laid a finger on her lips. “Ssshhh…” he then proceeded to slobber on her neck like a St. Bernard in heat. Apparently, his mind was willing even though his body was too uncoordinated to follow. He knocked her flat on her back in his excitement. Like a (stoned) cat, he pounced/flopped on top of her.

After a few clumsy attempts, his mouth met hers. With zero subtlety, he plunged his tongue past her lips. As unrefined as his effort was, Streudel was finding herself losing her will to resist. Her hands seemed to discover a mind of their own, roaming freely over his back, entwining in his midnight locks.

He broke the kiss to look in her eyes adoringly, a question seemingly forming on his glistening full lips.

“Will you…” he faltered, “mmm-” He swayed unsteadily as his eyes rolled upward and his heavy lids fluttered. The clone collapsed, face planting into her bosom, wedging his nose in her cleavage. The Chief removed the blissfully unconscious clone’s face from her person. She pecked him on the end of his nose, then carefully laid him out on an old Indian blanket. An idea struck her.

Better not chance it… she thought, closing her eyes, fumbling blindly to remove the rest of his uniform. She then neatly rolled him up in the blanket. Extracting a length of rope from her Acme utility belt, she tightly bound his sleeping form. She grabbed his uniform, then paused to address the hippies.

“Drop me off right here.”

“What about your ‘friend’ there?”

“Take him to the Halifax Care Facility For Mentally Ill Actors. They’ll know what to do… Poor guy… He thinks he’s Kai from Lexx… Anyway, thanks for the ride, and would you do me another favour?”

“Sure, what is it?” “Tell him I’ll be back for him.”

************************

Streudel had been hitching for about 15 minutes without seeing a single car pass by. She was beginning to wonder if this was the best plan she could come up with, getting herself stranded in the wilds of Canada, not having a clue where to find Agent When.
She was just about to take a break from walking when she spotted something strange on the horizon. It looked from a distance like one of those little go-cart thingies with the big sails on them (yes, that is the technical name for them, go-carty saily thingies). Even at it’s current position, Chief Streudel thought she could hear a ruckus coming from the strange vehicle. As it closed in, her eyes widened in disbelief. It was Agent When!

Thank Jeebus! she thought to herself. But what’s that on her back…

OMG! It’s Bryn… But where’s Marcus?

Her question was answered as the trio whizzed past at breakneck speed. Marcus grinned blissfully and waved at her with one hand, clutching a terrified fluffy bunny in the other. The propeller on his monkey cap spun madly.

“SSSTTTRREEEEEUUUUDDDDDEELL…” Agent When hollered as she streaked by, barely under light speed. “Do something!!! No brakes, no brakes!!!!” Her arms flailed wildly.

Streudel was about to holler back when she knocked down by the force of a plunger smacking her square in the gob. The vehicle was slowly winched up the hill. BD and When about faced to see Marcus with the Divine Assassinator 3000.

“You saved the day, buddy. Just like old times, eh?” Bryn smiled proudly, lifting up the monkey hat to tousle Marcus’s scruffy head.

Agent When slung off the rocket skates and ran up to her long lost partner. She stepped on both the Chief’s shoulders, grasped the plunger handle tightly and pulled with all her might. The plunger released with a loud *POP*, sending her sailing into BD, who was right behind her.

“Oooof!… Streudel!… Where’s the Clone?” She scanned the area nervously while reluctantly disengaging herself from the shell-shocked BD.

“He’s sleeping it off in the back of a VW Bus on it’s way to Halifax, We probably won’t be seeing him for a little while at least… I tied him up.” Streudel said triumphantly, holding up the pilfered uniform. When clucked disapprovingly.

“It’s not what you think. When, a lot of things are not what we thought. Acme has been compromised. ” Streudel said, “The clone came from Acme…”

“I know, ” Bryn said sadly. “I was there.”

************************

The group sat in rapt attention as Bryn told his tale.

“In this cycle of Time, Xev destroyed Fire and Water, releasing Prince to follow us to this planet. But unlike the last cycle of Time, he didn’t have the means to get in a position of power in the US government, what with a trigger happy ‘I ain’t listenin’ to no damn body’ President in office.
Kai killed him like he did last time…but, like last time, KAI” Bryn’s voice rose a pitch to its familiar Stanley Tweedle timbre, “made a deal with Prince to play a game of chess.

“Stupid, stupid Dead Guy!” Bryn cast a dirty look Marcus’s way. Marcus hung his head and began furiously stroking the terrified bunny rabbit…

Bryn continued, “Sorry, pal… I didn’t mean it… anyway, Prince promised to make Kai alive if he won, which he did. But this time around, he didn’t wait to bring him back to life. He made a deal with 790.
If 790 would find a way to keep the group together, Prince would also make 790 human again. He brought 790 back as a guy named Jim Hattersfield. 790, being the scheming tin can he is, had no problem forging a phoney life for himself as an actor/writer/producer. He pitched an idea based loosely on our experiences on board the Lexx, and I think you know the rest.

“Kai was very happy with the prospect of acting out his life story, he’d been itching to re-enact Brigadoom for a larger audience ever since Prince brought him back and revived his inner thespian. But, by Season 4, he was ready to move on.

“This did not make Prince happy at all. He wasn’t in a position to take power yet, and he needed the crew to stay together, for some reason I haven’t figured out yet. Prince instructed 790 to talk us all into doing Season 5. Marcus just wasn’t havin’ it. So, 790 convinced Marcus to allow himself to be cloned. That way, the clone could do S5, conventions, or distract droolers for Marcus to lead a normal life.

“But something went really, really wrong. I told him not to listen to that demented robot head. Now, Marcus is how you see him now, except for occasional moments when he remembers who he was. What a shame… The clone went missing about 6 months after he was created. No one knew what happened to him. Xavia and I have been hiding Marcus ever since, knowing Prince was probably behind the clone’s disappearance.

“Mikey spends most his time with me in Newfoundland, plinking away at the piano in a local pub… We keep rent paid on an unfurnished apartment in Toronto to throw people off to his whereabouts. When I get burnt out, I send him to Xavia in Germany for a while. She had flown out to Newfoundland this time, so I could go to the Bahamas. I hope Prince didn’t find her in Newfoundland…” Bryn trailed off, looking exhausted.

“Look, guys. I’m beat… Can we finish this tomorrow? I think we should take the gas can back to the Droolmobile, and head for Halifax.” Bryn finished.

The group nodded their agreement and sat for a moment in silent contemplation. They all looked at one another as if to say,” Pinch, me… I’m having a terrible dream… which one of us is actually driving the Narcolounger?”