Fourthof5

Fourthof5 was not happy. In fact he was very much pissed off. He had worked very hard at gaining the trust of the ACME agents and their cohorts. But it seemed that he had underestimated the levels of deception the so called ‘Good Guys’ would employ in their endeavour to complete their mission.
Further, the fact that he was tied to a tree meant that he could do very little about the family of squirrel’s that had decided to call his rubber suit home. The squirrels were, in fact, quite busy gnawing a hole in his left trouser leg. He had yelled at them, however, this had only resulted in one of the squirrel’s pausing for a moment, giving an extra loud squeak, before once again launching into fashioning a nest in his suit.
“You little pests,” he said “When I get my hands on you, I promise that the idea of life as a Lab rat will be one looked on as an afterlife in Heaven. You, my furry little friends are going to wish that you had never been born.”
Lyekka had eaten four rabbits and a skunk. She was making her way back when she heard Fourthof5 talking. Curiosity motivated her to quicken her pace so she could see what all the fuss was about.
“Hi fourth” she said. “Where are the others?”
Fourthof5 froze. Lyekka’s breath was quite possibly the worst thing he had ever smelt in his life. However, his present situation meant that he tried as best he could to ignore the smell in the hopes that Lyekka would help free him.
“They have run off Lyekka. They have left you and he here to rot while they go off find the LEXX and presumably have a grand adventure. By the way Lyekka. Do you see these squirrel’s that are trying to make a nest very close to my scrotum?”
“Yes. They look happy there,” she said.
“That may be. But I am not happy at all that they’re there. Do you think you could eat them for me?”
“I am not hungry. And they don’t look very yummy.”
“Could you at least move them way from me then.” asked fourth.
“Why?”
“Because they quite often have a passion for collecting nuts, and the nuts in this suit are mine, and I am very much attached to them. So please, could to get them way from me.” He said, his voice rising in desperation as the squirrel’s moved ever closer to his scrotum.
“OK” said Lyekka, as she moved in and removed the squirrel family way from Fourthof5 The squirrel’s themselves objected strongly at being removed and squawked and squeaked as Lyekka placed them some distance away from Fourthof5.
Fourthof5 sighed heavily, before asking Lyekka to help untie him.
“I like you Fourth, I will make you happy.”
She untied him, and he motioned her to the abandoned Droolmobile. “We should get as much stuff out of this as we can. We are going to have to walk it seems.”
“Why?” asked Lyekka. “We need to find the others.
We need to get to the LEXX.”
“I will be hungry when we find them. Can I eat them?” asked Lyekka.
“Yes.” said fourth. “You can eat them all”

Will Fourthof5 and Lyekka catch up the ACME crew. Will Lyekka eat the revived Agent When, Chief Streudel, Bryn and MM? And will fourth develop a rubber fetish after his prolonged use of Agent When’s diving suit. More importantly, what will be the fate of the squirrel family that is secretly following Fourthof5 and Lyekka as they walk down the road? These Questions and more will be answered in the next episode of 00199/The Misadventures of Agent When.

Nursewhen

…Bryn trailed off, looking exhausted.
“Look guys, I’m beat…Can we finish this tomorrow? I think we should take the gas can back to the Droolmobile and head for Halifax.” Bryn finished.

Agent When looked at Streudel as she tried to ingest the new information.

“Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight. “Prince wants a series 5, Acme clone Marcus to do it, but now Prince has got the Lexx and Acme have sent us out to get Bryn, 790 is Jim Hattersfield who’s a scheming git and you’ve sent the clone to him and we’re going to him because Bryn wants him to decode his tooth and cure Marcus and you’re full of nanites and now you’ve mugged Purple_Unicorn for Kai’s knickers!”
(N.B. for those who don’t frequent the ‘News about MM’ thread, Purple_Unicorn has just won pieces of the Kai costume on ebay)
“No, no, you’ve lost me now.” Says Chief Streudel. “Who’s Purple_Unicorn? I took the clothes off the clone.”
“Umm, you’re right, I don’t know who Purple_Unicorn is either. Must be having lucid dreams again. So you’ve stripped the clone naked! Well at least something makes sense!”
“Err, ladies, we need to get back to the Droolmobile. Agent When, do you mind?”
“Hell with that!” Cries Agent When “What do you think I am? The incredible hulk? This time, you can drive.”
She takes the skates off, throws them at him and turns away. Bryn picks the skates up in confusion.
“When? What’s the matter?”
He puts his hand on her shoulder, only to have it shrugged off again.

“When?”
“Well don’t you see?” she turns on him, her voice distorted from holding back her tears. “Acme are cloning people! I’m Acme! I don’t even know if I’m one of the good guys any more!” She turns away again.
“Well sure you’re one of the good guys.” Bryn pats her shoulder. “Acme were just doing their job. It’s Prince who’s behind all of this. When Acme realised what was going on, they sent you and chief Streudel out to make sure I didn’t fall into his hands.”
“You sure I’m one of the good guys?” When looks at him pathetically.”
“Sure you are.” Bryn goes to give Agent When a hug, but then checks himself.
“If I give you a hug, are you going to *THUD* on me?”
“No, I won’t *THUD*.” Bryn tentatively hugs agent When and pats her shoulder comfortingly.
“…You’ve *THUDDED* haven’t you.”
“…sigh…”
“Err, chief Streudel, would you take Agent When please, I think she’s out for the count.”
Chief Streudel rolls her eyes and grabs Agent When’s inert body, lays her gently on the ground and pimpslaps her back to wakefulness.
“You know, Chief Streudel,” says When as she regains consciousness.
“If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you enjoy doing that.”
“Just put your skates on and lets get the Droolmobile back on the road.”

“No, there’s 3 people to carry this time. I think Bryn should drive, but for God’s sake, make sure he’s pointing in the right direction first.”
Ten minutes later, and after several false starts and a few crashes, the little band of heroes arrive back at the Droolmobile like a stunt motorbike team. Marcus is standing on Bryn’s shoulders while When and Streudel are each holding one of his hands and balancing on Bryn with one foot. The skates splutter to a halt and the little top-heavy pyramid teeters for a moment, then crashes to the ground. Agent When picks herself up and looks across at the nearby tree.
“Hey, Fourthof5 has gone! And where’s Lyekka? Chief Streudel, will you stop rummaging in the toolbox. This is no time for re-inflating MM dolls!”

“I’m getting the Acme guaranteed-never-leak-fuel-tank adhesive!” Chief Streudel cries indignantly.
“I don’t believe it” says Bryn. “The Droolmobile’s been stripped of every useful item in it.”
“What even my calamari! I knew he was perfidious!”
“When, why do you carry a box of calamari round with you?”
“Umm, no reason.”
*Pfffoooof! Pffoooof! Pfffooff!*
“Chief Streudel? Are you re-inflating that doll?”
“No! I’m fixing the petrol tank!” There’s the sound of a door opening and the squeak of rubber, then it closes again.
“OK, When.” Streudel says as she returns, “Fill her up and we can go.”
Agent When takes the fuel canister and fills the tank of the Droolmobile.” As she pours the liquid, she notices something stuck to the roof. She pulls it off and realises it’s a rabbit’s ear.
“Ooh yuck! She tosses it over her shoulder.
“OK, I’m driving,’ says Bryn.
“What?” Cries Agent When “you can’t drive, we’re miles off course as it is!”
“Well at least I’ve never crashed the Droolmobile!”
“I think Bryn’s right, he should drive.” says Chief Streudel.
“What the hell do you know about it? You’ve never experienced his driving!”

“Oh come on, When, this is Bryn we’re talking about here.”
Agent When throws her hands up in the air. “OK, OK, he can drive, you can have the passenger seat and I’m going to pray for traffic lights!”
Agent When climbs into the Droolmobile and suddenly finds that she’s sat between two Marcus’s. She rolls her eyes and then shuts them. The she opens them again and listens. Was that the sound of an approaching moth?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Err Bryn?” says Chief Streudel.
“Yeeuuuppp?”
“Wasn’t that a sign for Ottawa?”
“Dunno? Was it?”
“You know, I think we may be going in the wrong direction.”
“No, I don’t think we are.” Bryn pulls the now limping Droolmobile into a wooded lane and brings it to a halt. He gives Agent When a mischievous look. Agent When pointedly ignores him. Bryn gets out of the Droolmobile and pulls at a branch on a tree. A sheet of camouflage material falls to the ground and reveals a shining, sleek silver vehicle. Agent When struggles past the MM doll and hurries out to investigate.
“Oh Wow!” She cries in delight. “It’s a Winnebago! An Acme Winnebago!” She runs her hands down the pristine sides of the vehicle and laughs aloud.”

“It’s not a Winnebago,” says Bryn. “This is the StanVan.”
What exciting adventures will our heroes have in their new transport? Was the 500 mile detour worth it? Where are Fourth and Lyekka and will anybody pick up a pair of hitchhikers dressed as a bunny girl and a leather fetishist, carrying a box of calamari? Was that a moth that Agent When heard? Tune in for the next exciting adventure of 00911 the misadventures of Agent When (1313 could this get any more kinky?)

Fourthof5

Fourthof5 and Lyekka had been walking along the road for about 2 hours. To pass time fourth asked Lyekka about herself and where she came from.

“I am a plant,” said Lyekka.
“Yes, but what sort of plant are you?
“A hungry one. I have to eat soon.”
“There are plenty of things for you to eat in the forest,” Fourth pointed out.
“Yes. I will eat them when I am hungry.”
“By the way Lyekka, Where is your pod?” Fourth asked.
“It is on the ship. It is safe there.”
“What, you mean you know where the LEXX is?”
“Yes. Can I eat soon?”
“Lyekka you can eat when ever you want. But you need to save some room
for Agent When and her cohorts when we catch up to them.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Agent When and the rest of the crew were making good time. It was not due to When’s or Bryn’s driving at all. It was because out of desperation (and due to the size of the StanVan) they had picked up a group of hitchhikers. Billy Bob, Terry Bob and Bob Bob had been selling potatoes by the side of the road. Their car had failed to start, and they had waved down the crew of the StanVan in the hopes of getting a jump-start. However, after some time it became apparent that the car was not going to start.
Agent Streudel in her wisdom had offered to give the Bob’s a lift if they would drive in the general direction of Halifax. This proved to be the cause of much excitement as the Bob’s were in fact heading to Halifax themselves.
The trip had been quite smooth as the Bob’s related the importance of potatoes and the many uses they had as a source of food. Indeed at one stage Terry Bob had suggested that they could take the chocolate off Bryn’s body and make chocolate potato chips. When had strongly protested this, but Bryn saw it as an opportunity to finally get the chocolate off himself. They had all shared the chocolate potatoes with the exception of Agent When who had protested the fact that it was Terry Bob that was allowed to clean Bryn rather than her.
“How long to Halifax?” Agent When asked Bob Bob.
“About 10 hours.”
“What! How can that be?”
“Well you picked us up 3 hours ago and it’s a 13 hour trip from where we were, so that leaves 10 hours.”
“But… But… We were closer than that,” said Bryn.
When and Streudel both gave Bryn a cold stare.
“We were. Until you convinced me to let you drive, Bryn,’ said when.

“Well at least I didn’t crash the car at all.”
“Awwwwww don’t be too bothered about it. Here had another chocolate potato,’said Billy Bob as he thrust a bowl of choccy potatoes at When and Bryn.

“Hey,” said Bob Bob. “It looks like there are two other people one the road up ahead. They look like they are try’n to pick up a ride. Do you want me to stop.”
When looked ahead to see two figures walking and looking back towards that car. As the got closer, it became apparent that one of the figures looked very much like he was in a rubber diving suit. When’s eyes opened to the size of dinner plates, and her mouth momentarily lost the ability to form words.
“Oh no.” she said. “Floor it. Floor it!”
“What you don’t want me to pick them up?”
“No. Just drive past them.”
Bob Bob had begun to slow down. “But they are in need.”
“I don’t care. Just drive past them.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I am hungry Fourth. I will need more than bunnies soon.”
“Don’t worry Lyekka. I think I can hear a car coming. We will flag them down and you can eat them.”
“OK That sounds yummy.”
Fourth looked back as what looked like a cross between a bus and camper van approached. The car itself seemed to be in some sort of trouble as it started slow down the pick up speed again and was generally weaving all over the road.
“Lyekka if this car does not stop will you be able to get us both on board.”
Lyekka looked at the Van as it approached and judged its speed.
“I think so, Fourth. Why?”
“Because I don’t think it’s going to stop.”
The Van moved ever closer and fourth was now sure that the van had no intention of stopping. He had instructed Lyekka to get into position as the Van approached. The transition from ground to Van had left Fourth breathless. But that passed the moment fourth saw the head of a rabid weasel through the back window. Anger swelled in Fourth and he ripped open one of the roof vents and both he and Lyekka leapt in to the Van.

Will Lyekka Eat the ACME crew? Will fourth eat the ACME crew? What will Agent When say? And what of the family of squirrels that also made it on board? These questions and more will be answered in the next exciting episode of 00911/The Misadventures of Agent When.

Uber_Vixen

I ask forgiveness for my terrible ignorance of Geography (in the sense that I’ve ignored it)

Uber_Vixen rubbed a tired eye as she pondered whether or not ‘perfidy’ was actually a word. There would be time for dictionaries later. She was at least grateful for the small amount of time she’d been allowed to clean the drool from her dress and brush her messy hair. She promised herself she would try not to think about the trio of treats she would hopefully get if everything went according to plan.
Well, maybe just one thought. Mmmm… *Drool*
“Are you alright?” Diva asked. “Huh! YES! Fine. Absolutely fine!”
A small patch of drool had reappeared on Vixen’s dress. She frowned and wiped at it a bit pathetically. Diva raised an eyebrow and resumed staring out her moth eye window at the terrain rushing past below.
“Where is Prince?” she asked after a while.
Vixen yawned. “Oh, I dunno. He’s prolly floating around somewhere. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”
And if he isn’t then all the better for me. Who’s to know if I enact the rest of Prince’s plan myself. I’ll just step in where he was meant to be, and hoorah, may horror and pain befall you all!
Vixen smirked. he cockpit fell silent again. Vixen sighed.
“So. Tell me a little about yourself. Where do you come from?”
“I am Zev Bellringer of B3K. I grew up in a box….” Zev started rambling on with her little sob story and Vixen zoned out. At least it was better than silence. She threw in the occasional
“Oh, that’s horrible” or “Ohhh” or “Wow” without paying much attention, but the love slave didn’t seem to notice. Suddenly she felt a warm tongue lick her cheek and someone sniff at her hair. She spun in her seat, causing the moth to swerve. (Again! Don’t let me on the road!).
“Prince!”
“Hello Vixen, Diva,” Prince spoke softly in his divine British accent. Sitting between the two chairs, he gave them both a charming smile.
“Prince, you are here!” Diva exclaimed. She leaned in closely and toyed with his blue ruffled shirt. Uber_Vixen scowled.
“Did you doubt that I’d return?” he mused, glancing at Vixen. She gave him a depraved grin and returned her attention to the sky. So he knows. Ha! What does he expect. I saw a chance and I took it. He can’t get rid of me. He needs me.
“My… Your plan is still in effect. We have had to change our itinerary. It looks as though the Acme Agents will never make it to Germany, so we are going to them. We expect they will take quite a bit of time in Halifax – that is if they ever get there! So we have moved our operation there.”

“Good.”
“Perhaps you should brief Diva now. There are still a few hours before we reach the Canadian coast.”
Prince chuckled with an amused smile on his face. Vixen certainly liked being in control. That should assuredly be interesting later he thought… He leaned in towards Diva and licked her ear. Vixen’s eye twitched as Prince launched softly into his speech. Vixen leaned back and concentrated on flying. She had heard it all before. She wondered how desperate Diva must be to fall for Prince’s lies.
At least I wasn’t thick enough to not see he was trying to use me. I’m sure he’d agree we work better together with that certain level of honesty. Why bother lying if you’re both evil?
Vixen blushed as she gripped the moth’s joystick between Prince’s legs. Fanning her heated face she turned away from Prince and Diva to hide her reddened face. The pair finally stopped talking and Prince sat back up straight. Black swirled at the corner of Diva’s eyes. Vixen could not help from glancing back to her hand on the joystick a couple of times. Prince gave her a knowing look, causing another blushing fit.
So ruled by her feelings. All of them, so easily manipulated. Diva will do exactly as I tell her, she is so driven by desire. And as long as I remain unattainable, she will continue to be ordered about, willingly. Jim wont be able to resist her love slave charms, and then he will be her puppet, and her, mine. And with Jim under the control of my nanites, the closer I will be to having the key.

Vixen glanced at Prince, lost in thought. Her jealousy was getting the better of her, although she found having her hand where it was a major triumph. Diva had noticed and growled at her like a clusterlizard. The moth flew low over trees. The crossed over a highway, where a black car had stopped. Two identical figures sat in the back next to a resigned looking woman. Another woman and man bickered in the front seat. The proximity warning beeped louder and faster on the console as they flew undetected over the vehicle.
“The Acme Agents,” Vixen noted. “Still no where near Halifax. Obviously Bryn has been driving.”
“And it seems he’s driving still,” Prince chuckled as they curved towards Nova Scotia. “They seem to be headed in the opposite direction. All the more time for us to prepare.”
Diva smiled adoringly at Prince. Vixen rolled her eyes and watched the ground. They passed back near the highway where two lone figures trudged along. One was rather sweaty in a full rubber suit, and carrying a box held at arms length. The other, a woman, glided along beside the man, eyes scanning the trees to either side of the road. She directed the moth away before they were close enough to be noticed.
“We’ll be in Halifax in about 4 hours. Just sit back a relax folks and please, enjoy your flight with Vinx-Air.”
~~~~~
Fifi sat up and tenderly probed his swollen eye.
That bitch Diva knocked me out! Worse than the carrots… He slowly stood up. I’ll show that cheap tramp and her stupid Prince exactly why they shouldn’t piss me off. Fifi stormed out of the cryopod chamber with a hand to one eye, bumping into robots and kicking drones on his way to the moth hanger.
~~~~~
Vixen set the moth down behind the Halifax Care Facility For Mentally Ill Actors. Jim Hirshfield was inside, unaware of the danger that waited for him. The trio climbed out of the moth into the cool air of Nova Scotia. Vixen shivered and subtly moved closer to Prince. She noticed that Diva did the same. Diva stared at everything around her, especially at the business district spread out behind them. Vixen frowned.
“What, don’t you have any curiosity? Any sense of adventure?” she mocked.

“There are more important things to think about,” Prince intoned. Diva pouted, but complied. They strode into the foyer of the care facility and approached the nurse at the desk.
“We are here to see James Hattersfield.”
“Are you family?” the nurse asked distractedly, head bowed over paperwork. Prince glanced at Vixen. “You could say that,” Diva spoke up.
“Visiting hours are over in 2 hours. He’s in room 769.” Prince and Vixens’ eyes met, eyebrows raised. “He…requested that room?”
“No, rooms are assigned to our patients,” the nurse said irritably, without looking up.
“Interesting,” Prince said softly.
The nurse pointed down a hallway without even looking at the three and they made their way towards Jim’s room. Prince whispered something to Diva and she nodded enthusiastically. The door was open and Jim sat on his bed talking to himself. Prince sniffed the air.
“Xavia. What a surprise.” Vixen jumped forward ready to strike out, but froze at the last minute. Her eyes blackened as she stepped back into line with Prince.
“Prince. What are you doing here?” Xavia stepped out from behind the door.

“Vixen!” She scowled, and then clusterlizard-growled as Diva stepped into view.
“You. What is she doing here?”
Diva jumped forward and pushed into Xavia. They collapsed into a heap on the ground, and Xavia clusterlizard-rolled around the room and up a wall. Diva reached out and grabbed her leg, causing Xavia to whip forward and crack her head against a chair. She slumped to the floor and Prince nodded to Diva and he and a still black-eyed Vixen carried Xavia out to the moth. Jim had not stirred or noticed the action around him. He looked up dazed though at Diva’s approach.
“Please! No torture. I’m allergic to pain!” he shouted, recoiling on the bed. “Diva, Diva!? Sweet love muff muffin, it’s you!” He dropped off the bed to his knees and hugged her around her waist. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this!”
Diva smiled and stroked back his hair.
“Now that you are a man, a real man, I feel different towards you.” She pulled Jim to his feet and gazed into his eyes. “790. Jim. I want you to be the first man…”
~~~~~
Vixen staggered away from Prince and the moth now containing Xavia. She couldn’t believe what had happened. Prince’s nanites in her blood?! How dare he! She dropped to her knees and rested in the dust for a moment.

“You didn’t think I wasn’t aware of your…perfidious nature?” Prince said from behind her.
“Of…of course not. I have always held our…relationship higher than all of the backstabbing. But this? You’ve gone to far!” She rose and turned to face his pierced lip. She stared transfixed and her resolve weakened.

“My lip isn’t my only piercing,” he said quietly and leaned in towards her. “I’m *very* good with pain.” Vixen swallowed nervously and stared at the ground.
“You can’t charm your way out of this. I’m really, really hurt.”
“I took necessary measures to ensure that you wouldn’t act rashly.”
“Fine. Let’s just get this finished. How long will Diva be?”
“Not long,” Prince said distractedly, staring at the sky.
“By the way, what happened to Fifi?” Vixen looked up at an approaching speck in the sky. “But he would have been out for hours. Diva was..she didn’t like him very much, needless to say. I guess carrying the weight of one, he must have made better distance than we did.”
“I wonder what he is planning to do.” Prince strode towards the moth.
“I will take Xavia to a more secure location. Hold Fifi off until I return and if I don’t, come to me in my tower.”
Vixen nodded and shielded her eyes from the dust stirred by the moths launch.
What will Fifi try to do in his confrontation with Vixen and Prince? What are Diva and Jim getting up to in his room? Will the Acme gang ever make it to Halifax? Will Fourth and Lyekka have to walk the entire way? All these questions answered sometime in 00/911 The Misadventures of Agent When!