Streudel

Chief Streudel strode through the grey corridors, then abruptly paused to consider her situation. Even without his brace, Chief Streudel did not relish the thought of dealing with a cranky assassin that she had endlessly tormented with the Barney Song. She didn’t know if Lyekka was still in the Stan Van, so she thought better of going back to retrieve the Divine Assassinator 3000. It didn’t seem to work on him in the cabin, anyway. And if she got the settings wrong, spraying him in chocolate sauce was not going to help her cause any, as delicious as that thought was. Streudel struggled to formulate a plan.

‘ Think, Streudel, think!’
Her frustration mounted as her Kai addled brain failed her. She never had this problem when she was the top agent in the Daffy Duck Retrieval Division of Acme. She always came up with a brilliant plan to bring back that demented duck , albeit with his bill attached to the back of his head. Thinking of Daffy made her realise she’d just have to ‘wing it ‘. As she started to follow the arrows that led to the Sci Fi ward, Streudel heard the faint strains of a song echo through the sterile halls.
” I love you…You love me…MAKE IT STOP! ” Streudel felt a painful stab of guilt. Truly no one deserved that kind of hell. She traced the pathetic sound to its source, and peered apprehensively into the room. The clone was bound to a gurney with a slew of medical technicians surrounding him. Despite her extensive experience in the Acme research and development sector, Chief Streudel did not recognise half of the strange ” dohickeys ” and ” thingamabobs ” to which the clone was attached. The technicians were excitedly conferring with each other.
” Our Prince will be extremely displeased,” said a balding man with a goatee. A technician with a wild shock of curly hair responded,
” I know, but we’ve done everything we can…we’ve run his blood through the protein regenerator…reprogrammed his nanites to purge their corrupted files…we’ve even tried elecro-shock therapy. He simply will not stop singing that damned infernal song! “, the wild haired man continued ,

” And what are we going to do about the brace? All the other brace props have already been sold at auction on E-Bay. Even if we had a spare, it would take a week to modify it to really work. I don’t know what Prince expects of us…we’re doctors, not bio-visiers. ”
” Yes, but what would we be if we didn’t try?”
*******************************
Fourth couldn’t believe his luck. Not that marvelling at his own luck was a new thing for him, it was just that usually he was amazed at the misfortunes that came his way on a daily basis. This time, he could not believe his incredible good fortune. Not only had those infuriating Acme agents walked right into Prince’s trap, but he was alone with the most beautiful woman in the Two Universes, and she was locking the door to make sure they remained alone. He couldn’t help but wonder when the wayward anvil would drop on his head signalling his return to his usual role of punching bag for the vengeful gods of cartoon violence. Apparently, the Cartoon gods must’ve been on vacation at Pismo Beach that day.
” Oh, Stanley! ” Zev whispered in Fourth’s ear before she began gently nipping at it. Her cluster lizard side quickly took over, and the gentle nipping transmuted into a hungry frenzy of licking, biting and growling. Any other man probably would’ve been terrified at the ferocity of Zev’s passion, but not Fourth. After being stinkbombed, superglued, and smashed flat, nothing intimidated the Perfidious One.
“Stanley, ” Zev’s blue eyes twinkled mischievously as she forcefully pushed Fourth onto his back and straddled his hips, ” I am going to take you the edge of sexual ecstasy and beyond, luffer. I am going to ruin you for all others. ” With that she ripped open the red jumpsuit and flung his hat across the room. Her shrill clusterlizard scream echoed off the walls of the small room.
Fourth thought for a split second of the consequences likely to befall him when Zev discovered that he didn’t have the Key. Then he thought of the tortures he’d already endured since he’d embarked on this adventure.

Bring it on, he thought with a smile.” Do your worst, Zev. Studly Stan can take it all and then some…”
*****************************
A cold chill ran the length of Chief Streudel’s spine. Obviously, Prince was back and working on reclaiming his most potent weapon. She decided now might be a good time to go get some back up. She was about to go find the Acme crew when she observed one of the technicians making a dangerous discovery.
” Dr. Kazaan, take a look at this! ” He held up the clone’s right arm to show that a brace had appeared from nowhere. ” The nanites must have created a new permanently integrated one. See how the cord disappears into his arm…” The unwitting tech began inspecting the crook of his elbow where the cord originated.
The clone ceased his singing and grinned evilly.
” It can be removed for closer inspection if you desire. Simply squeeze that tendon and the mechanism will release. ” Streudel burst through the door.
” Don’t do it! ” she shouted a moment too late. The brace screamed out from it’s sheath and parted the fuzzy headed doctor’s hair down the middle before returning to it’s home. The tech fell out from the shock of his near miss. The clone turned to glare at Chief Streudel.
” You!! ” he rumbled ominously, sawing furiously at his bonds.
” Beep Beep! ” Streudel leapt up and did an about face in mid air, already in mid run before her feet hit the floor. As she re-entered the hallway and looked to and fro, trying to decide which direction to flee in when she saw impending disaster careening at her at breakneck speed. A gurney carrying a maniacally laughing Fouthof5 was barrelling out of control straight for her. She might have been able to avoid her fate if the sheer strangeness of the sight hadn’t frozen her in her tracks. Fourth was wearing a shredded nurse’s uniform with whipped cream discreetly covering his naughty bits. He gleefully shouted to Zev, who was cluster lizard rolling in hot pursuit.
” That was great, really! Not the best I’ve had, but definitely the best I’ve had today! Thanks! Ooof- ” Fourth’s gloating was cut short as his gurney launched off of a Streudel speed bump. Streudel managed to pick up her head just in time to be flattened again by a madly spinning Zev. Struggling unsteadily to her feet, she began to laugh at Fourth’s blind stumbling attempts to flee before Zev extricated herself from the laundry bin she had landed in. Loud clanging rang through the corridor from the bedpan jammed on Fourth’s head ricocheting off the walls.
Agent When and MM, responding to the cacophony, turned the corner at full speed, squashing flat the wobbling, crumpled Chief. They hardly had time to see what they had hit when the clone burst through the door, whacking Streudel in the head with it. Streudel looked up through a haze of dancing stars and chirping birds to see the clone clad in a hospital gown, standing over top of her with his brace levelled at her head.
” I see London, I see France…” she said dreamily before giving into the THUD.

Streudel

Gigadoom

“Damn! ”

Prince’s curse echoed off the walls of the tower, accompanied by the resounding SNAP of his batwing like collar raising, along with his ire. His ice blue eyes flashed angrily at the blinking console. He straightened from his position over the console and turned to face Vixen.

“Diva, Fourth, and Jim have yet to report to me. The Kai clone and Chief Streudel are not responding to my influence…” Prince paused to slowly draw the back of his hand across a jagged wound marring his right cheek, “…and Xev has been a most…ill-mannered…guest.”
He trained his fiery glare on Xavia for a moment before returning his attention to Vixen. ” My patience has come to it’s end. It seems I will have to resolve matters in Halifax myself. ”

Gently stroking her jawline, Prince leaned in to whisper in Vixen’s ear.

” I trust that you will…entertain…our guest while I’m gone? ”

“Yes, my Prince…” Vixen breathed, her eyes blackening in compliance to Prince’s will.

” I shall return shortly. ” He said retrieving a disembodied robot head from a pedestal adjacent to the console. With a fluttering of his cape, Prince disappeared through heavy wooden door to a waiting Moth. The sounds of excited chirping and frantically beating wings announced his departure.

Vixen turned her attention to Xev. A sinister smile affixed itself to her countenance. She perceptibly straightened. pulling herself up to her most supremely confident arch-villainess posture. The air hung thick and silent with tension, save for slow staccato cadence of Vixen’s stalking footfalls.

As she circled Xev predatorily, in a fashion she’d learned at the hands Death Incarnate himself, Vixen was at the height of evil ecstasy.

* GO ME!* she thought with glee, never letting her inner exuberance shift her cool and calculating exterior. *Fifi, Fourth, and that Bride’s Magazine reject, henchperson wannabe Zev have royally ballsed up my Prince’s plans, and now Prince will see I’m the only one worthy of being at his side…or he will as soon as I get done ‘entertaining’ his guest….Muahahaha! God, I love being bad! My boss is super sexy, I get to use the ‘evil laugh’ with impunity, and best of all* she paused to run her hands over her ultra cool Wist costume, *the bad-girl costumes totally kick ass!*

* OK, OK, Vixen* she thought to herself, *you’ve got the wardrobe, now let’s get into character and close the deal! *

She pulled in as closely as she dared after having seen the nasty wound Prince received from antagonising Xev’s cluster lizard half into wakefulness.

” My Prince has instructed me to ‘entertain’ you. ” Vixen drew out the ‘entertain’ interminably, hoping to instil a sense of foreboding. Vixen planned to use every bit of Prince’s tutelage in the black art of intimidation.

” Oh, really…How lovely. ” Xev replied. A look of bored indifference painted her beautiful features. She raised a delicate hand to inspect her fingernails. Her bee-stung lips curved into a satisfied smile. She raised her eyebrows and her large green orbs twinkled with amusement as she let out an almost inaudible ” Hmph “.
Xev was not simply posturing for her ‘host’. She was truly amused at Vixen. Xev had survived every bit of the relentless onslaught of pain, rejection, loneliness, loss, and dashed hopes that the Two Universes could throw at her for 6,000 plus years. Not to mention she had growled in the face of every new evil megalomaniac hell-bent on consuming life wherever it was found. This was child’s play to Xev.

*That absolute bitch!* Vixen screamed internally. *Time to show her I’m for real…*

” My Prince has prepared me to expect your…I am Cluster Lizard, Hear Me Roar…schtick. ” Vixen spat out the last word, derision dripping from her voice. ” He says he even believes you have no fear of him…but you should. ” Vixen’s voice dropped to a whisper. ” My Prince’s latest inspiration will bring chaos the likes of which your pretty little love slave mind cannot begin to envision. ”

*Ha! Take that!* Vixen contained her smirk to a fleeing ghost momentarily haunting her lips. She didn’t want to lose her controlled image.

” Oh, really. ” Xev commented nonchalantly. She drew within a very intimate distance to Vixen. ” I don’t think so.” Xev’s voice assumed a haughty inflection. ” He couldn’t even destroy Water without my help. Without my friends and the Lexx, he…is…nothing. And you…you victim of a disgruntled wardrobe person’s cruel joke…are less than nothing. ”

Vixen’s hand shook violently, and then locked and loaded into ” bitchslapping ” position, with the safety creaking from the strain of her mushrooming rage.

” Says the Cluster Trash love slave wearing last week’s animal skin look. Pah! My Prince’s aims are far beyond a mere planet…He is going to destroy this Universe. Death and Chaos will own every corner of existence. The Cycles of Time themselves shall relent to my Prince’s will. The entire cosmos will receive my Prince’s Divine Gift of Pain. And I will receive the Ultimate Gift of an eternity of Joy alone with my Prince.” Vixen decided to punctuate her impressive ‘ evil diatribe’ with a delicious ‘evil laugh’. ” Muahahaha…Ha! ”

” You sound like a certain love obsessed robot head I used to know. Do you really believe Prince will spare you? You think that he’s going to destroy the Universe just so you two can have it as your own private playground? Prince will destroy everything, including you because he’s evil and because he can. There’s no more to it than that. He’s Prince. ” Xev thrust her hands onto her curvaceous hips in triumph. She knew she was about to strike a crushing blow. ” Besides, he’s already offered the role of his Queen to me, and I turned down his deal. It was…beneath me. As are you. In the big scheme of things, I am an actress, and you are an understudy.

” Vixen snorted in disbelief. ” You’d rather be an actress than a Queen ?!” She fingered the sleeve of Xev’s clusterlizard skin ensemble, noting its unusual texture. ” As my Prince might say, a very interesting…but a very bad… choice.” Vixen harrumphed, looking Xev over with utter disdain. ” A choice that will reduce you to a bit player, a member of the choir, in this little production. But you will have a role. Remember, Xavia,There are no small parts, only small actors. ” Vixen was heady with the feeling of power surging through her.

Xev bowed deeply, and with a gesture of her hand, she graciously relinquished the now brightly shining spotlight. *Silly villains!* she thought. Xev didn’t have to be an actress to know this scene was heading to it’s inevitable denouement. She only wished she had some popcorn…

Vixen literally twitched with the urge. She knew she could not fight it long. *Prince said never, ever, EVER reveal your delectably, deliciously, deviously, dastardly master plans to THE GOOD GUY, no matter how justifiably proud you are of them, no matter how smugly self-righteous THE GOOD GUY is. The end result is written in stone. THE GOOD GUY will take your moment of hubris and beat you senseless with it…everytime. Damn the inescapable logic of it all!* Vixen hung her head.

*Just a leeetle nudge…* Xev thought wickedly.

” Could it be the understudy is having a bit of stage fright?

” Vixen threw her raven mane back and threw vicious-looking Klingon daggers with her eyes.

* Logic be DAMNED!* she thought defiantly, *This IS Lexx, after all, NOT Star Trek! The Science Fiction Gods may have decreed ‘The Captain Of The Starship Must Be A Sexy Canadian For Us To Worship Him As A God ‘ but they definitely DID NOT decree that in the Lexx Universes,THE BAD GUY could not win, despite the aforementioned plot revelation faux pas. Quite the opposite…tee hee!!*

” Xev…did you ever wonder why Jim was so hell bent on keeping the crew together? Why he was determined to clone MM? Why there is a blue haired Zev running around, even though you’re here? Why Fourthof5 looks like BD, and indeed, why he is called Fourthof5? Hmmm? ”

” Well, I didn’t think he was a Borg, if that’s what you’re asking. ” Xev twirled an errant lock of hair around her finger and sighed. ” Is there going to be an intermission before the second act, or are you going to get to the point in this one? I’m really not feeling ‘entertained’ ”

” Fine! If you’re determined to be a rude audience. I bet you’ve still got your cell phone on, too, don’t you? Anywaaaay, When Prince made good on his deal to bring Kai back to life sooner rather than later, as a way to neutralise him as a threat, he hoped you would want to settle down with the new live Kai on this planet.
This would give Prince the time he needed to gain power on this planet, and use it to reduce this Type 13 dungball into chaos before it finally crumbled, then make his getaway on board the Lexx. Prince worked within covert operations such as Acme and E.G.G.,convincing their backers that he was a evil genius scientist and he was going to help them achieve World Domination through an unstoppable army of Divine Assassins and Cluster Lizard Love Slaves. Whether by physical force, or sheer THUDDING power, this army would effortlessly crush any resistance. The problem was he needed access to the crew, and time to experiment. But Stanley Tweedle was determine to feed the Lexx and leave Prince on this planet with no means of escape. ”

” I think I get the picture, 790 and Prince make a deal, we do the TV show to keep us all on the planet, and to harvest our DNA. So, where’s the Army? ”

” Cloning was not as…predictable as we hoped. The first experiment was to see if the Key could be cloned as well as Stan from a small sample. We had hoped the Key was somehow fused to his DNA. Our Perfidious Fourthof5 was the only one worth keeping. All the rest were too nice, and of course none of them had the Key. Then we tried you, but we got blue-haired Zev instead. MM wouldn’t let Jim near him to get a sample. He was mighty uncomfortable with 790 having a real body. So, when MM decided to move on, different measures had to be taken.”

” Yes, I think I know the story there. So, why not just clone more Assassins and Zev’s from the one’s you had? ”

” You can’t clone from a clone. I believe it’s called replicative fading. We discovered that with Stanley experiments. Sometimes, nothing but the original will do. So-”

” Yeah, yeah, I get it. I might be blonde, but I’m no DumbBunny. How does all this destroy the Universe? Sounds like the same old tired plot for World Domination to me. Do you think you can get to the point and bring this second-rate scene to an end? ”

” So funny you should say ‘end’, Xev. The domination of the world is the End, but it also the Beginning…”

” Just tell me what I want to know…Oh, the hell with it, I know where this is going…And I know where I’m going! ”

With that, Xev made a start for the door. In a blinding flash, Xev found Vixen’s hand around her throat, crushing it with a strength that seemed of inhuman origin.

” How rude, just running out on your host. My Prince is right, you are a most ill-mannered guest! ” Vixen’s eyes swirled and coalesced into blackness, giving them the appearance of twin spheres of volcanic glass. She slammed Xev up against the console, never losing her vicelike grip.

” What, no kiss goodnight? And here I have a parting gift for you! ” The voice was no longer Vixen’s. It was instead an unearthly projection of Prince’s silky British accent. Vixen pressed in closer, arching Xev’s back painfully. Xev turned her head trying to avoid Vixen’s nanite assault. Vixen changed tactics and began to snake her tongue towards Xev’s ear.

Hearing the commotion, guards began to pour in from every entrance. It was the moment’s distraction Xev needed. Letting out an ear shattering cluster lizard scream, Xev delivered a vicious strike to Vixen’s elbow, breaking the hold. She latched onto the holes in Vixen’s Wist costume and threw her with a violent jerk, ripping the costume to shreds. Within a split second, Xev was clusterlizard rolling out of the balcony exit, bowling over guards in her path. She quickly boarded the nearest Moth and disappeared across the German skyline toward Halifax.

Vixen dusted herself off and surveyed the damage to her Wist costume. ” An improvement, if anything…However, perhaps there is time for a quick change before I go…” Vixen headed for her extensive walk-in closet. ” Something befitting a Queen…”

Streudel

My Blue Heaven and Hell
Jim Hattersfield followed the real Stanley H. Tweedle from a stealthy distance through the dingy lower levels of the Halifax Care Facility for Mentally Ill Actors. He muttered under his breath.

“All Day by the Stan, Stan
All day by the Stan I did work
To please my Darling Zevikins
I saved the Security Guard Class Jerk

All Night by the Stan, Stan
All night by the Stan I did stalk,
Made a deal with a Tweedle twin,
To pound Stan’s bones into chalk ”

” I’ll teach Prince to come between a love obsessed former robot head and his creamy love pudding #1…I’ll have no part of any deal that puts my Diva of Delight into filthy Tweedle hands. ” he said in a whisper to no one.

JH suddenly realised that Stan had given him the slip while he was waxing poetic.

” Damn you, Tweedle, you human skid mark! You’re not getting away that easily… ”

***********************************************

Chief Streudel thought her head had been replaced with an anvil judging by all the pounding and clanging. A few foggy moments later, she figured out that the pounding was on the inside of her head, but the clanging was on the outside.

A hazy picture of Fourth swerving out of control, bouncing off the walls like a drunk at closing time crept into her consciousness * Oh, yeah…it’s just Fourth and his terminal case of ‘bedpan head’. * She laughed weakly at the memory. The sounds of voices cut through the cacophonous clattering and clanging. Streudel struggled to focus and understand them.

” Is she OK? ” Agent When asked Marcus, who was peeling open Chief Streudel’s eyelids looking to see if anyone was ‘home’. Streudel tried to hold her eyelids open to no avail.

” OK seems to be a relative term where it comes to your Chief,” MM said, rolling his eyes. ” Her pupils are not fixed and dilated…so I believe she will survive. ”

MM began to haul the semiconscious Streudel up into a sitting position. The clone changed his target, aiming his brace at MM.

” What are you doing? ” he asked menacingly.

” I am taking her to get medical attention,” came the terse reply.

” You said she would survive. You will not move her until she assists me…”, one hazel eye twitched wildly as he struggled for control over the insidious melody, ” I Love you, You Love Me!…in getting this SONG out of my head! ” the clone growled in frustration.

” She can not assist you if she is incapacitated. I said she would survive, I did not say she was OK As an assassin of the Divine Order, it was deemed necessary for me to be able to ascertain the physical condition of a subject. However, it was not necessary for me to know medical techniques to perform my function. ” MM replied calmly.

” You have to let him take her to get help, ” Agent When interjected. ” We should take her to the Protein Regenerator in the basement. Bryn’s alone down there with Jim, and I don’t trust him. I don’t care what he says about only listening to Zev. ”

” Agreed. Bryn is most likely in danger, ” said MM as he hoisted Chief Streudel into his arms.

” I will…We’re A Happy Family!… accompany you, ” the clone hit himself in the temple with his left hand in a futile attempt to dislodge the intruding thought. His right hand never strayed from it’s target.

Suddenly, the piercing sound of a Cluster Lizard scream caused the group to about face. Zev had extricated herself from the laundry cart and tackled Fourth in one cheetah-like pounce. She was now straddling Fourth’s head, her feet on his shoulders, pulling viciously at the bedpan sealed to the hapless Tweedle Twin’s head.

” When I get this thing off your head, I am going to jam this whipped cream can in your ear and eat your brain! I may not be the best you’ve ever had, but I will be the LAST you ever had! ” she shrieked.

MM saw his clone watching the fracas and used the diversion to abruptly dump Chief Streudel in the floor and level his brace at him. Agent When spun around at hearing the THUD of Streudel hitting the floor and quickly removed her friend from the line of fire. She helped Streudel to her feet. The dazed and confused Chief leaned heavily on When, threatening to topple both of them.

It reminded When of last year’s Cartoon Network company Christmas party. Daffy had spiked the punch bowl with Cold Duck, and When had to keep Streudel from staggering home with Johnny Bravo.

* Come to think of it, it reminds me of every bloody company Christmas party…* she thought with exasperation. It wasn’t easy always being the bioengineered shoulder Streudel leaned on whenever she got herself into trouble.

Agent When leaned the Chief against a wall and pried her eyelids open. ” Streudel, love, I’d let you get some kip but the chocolate sauce and the whipped cream are about to hit the fan! Zev is about to make Fourth a Security Guard Class Dessert, and the…are you listening to me?! ” When plucked Streudel questioningly.

A glistening bead of drool had formed at the corner of Streudel’s mouth. ” Mmmmm… Security Guard Class Sundae….” Streudel trailed off into Homer-esque drool gargling. Agent When looked at her like she’d grown an extra head.

” You really have gone all peculiar on me, haven’t you? ” Agent When grasped Chief Streudel’s face and pointed her to the Mexican stand-off going on between the Kais. ” We have a situation here, Chief! Pull yourself together! ” said When, her voice rising in urgency.

” I see Dead People…” Streudel hissed.

Agent When groaned and smacked her own forehead in frustration. Her forehead felt wet.

” Ugh! Streudel drool…”. When knew it was time for further measures. * It always comes to this…* she thought, sighing deeply.

” Streudel! ” she barked, shaking the wobbling woman by her shoulders, ” You know, you’re making me have to do this! It hurts me to do it, but it is for your own good! ” When reared back and let fly with a bionic bitchslap that would make Moe feel proud.

**SMACK!!!**

” Oooh! ” All present flinched in unison.

Streudel shook her head, flinging spittle like a dopey St.Bernard that had been playing in a mud puddle.

” Thanks, When. You’re a pal.”

Streudel looked around and quickly assessed the situation with her painfully acquired lucidity. The Kais were motionless, locked in a silent battle of duelling brow furrowing. Zev was as agitated as a hungry caged tigress, slamming Fourth’s head into the floor, trying to pop the seal the way one does with a stubborn pickle jar.

” Let’s get the hell outta here and go find Bryn while they’re all busy.” Streudel said.

Agent When looked flabbergasted. ” You’re willing to leave the Kais to kill each other so we can go find Bryn? This coming from the woman who was pleading for the life of a MM blow up doll?! ” When laid a hand across Streudel’s forehead. ” Streudel, you’re being rational and level-headed…I’m worried about you, ” she said whilst examining her partner in a nursely fashion. ”

Well, considering the fake one wants to kill me, and the real one comes to my rescue then dumps me with no warning like I was quality programming on the Sci-Fi Channel, I’m beginning to think it’s time I got my bloody brain out my damn knickers, to borrow a phrase from your book. I’m getting right sick of getting the living bejesus knocked out of me by those two. I have been thrown from a Moth, stepped on, hit in the head, and been all around abus-”

” Oh, BOO HOO! ” the dissenting voice of Fourth echoed,” You’ve been stepped on…*CLANG*I could feel sorry for you, but you see, I’VE GOT A F#@&*!$ BEDPAN STUCK ON MY*CLANG* HEAD AND I’M ABOUT TO BE*CLANG* EATEN BY A PISSED OFF CLUSTER LIZARD!!! ”

” Aaannywaay… I say let’s complete our objective and get the hell out of here while the gettin’s good. We go down to the basement while Marcus makes himself useful and watches this bunch. I’m guessing by the looks of it that those two will still be here pouting at each other when we get back. And I don’t see Zev getting that bedpan off of Fourth any time soon. We find Bryn and Jim, we kick the crap out of Jim until he tells us where the Lexx is, help Bryn and Marcus get outta here, then they’re on their own. ”

” You want to leave them to save the Universe by themselves? Blimey, Streudel…they can’t even find Halifax and the both of them live in Canada! How are they going to find the Lexx? Plus, without Xev, they’re seriously outnumbered. Their chances aren’t good without us. ”

“When, I’m starting to not like our chances if we stay with them. All this getting squished is starting to seem like it’s foreshadowing something worse. Guest stars have a habit of meeting gruesome comedic ends when they cross paths with these guys. I think we’ve been choosing to forget that. I mean, I think we might be out of our league. We’re not talking about talking about tangling with the usual cartoon characters here. Prince is a bona fide, card carrying supervillain”

” And Daffy isn’t? ” When asked. ” He kidnapped Tom Baker, stole the Tardis, and would’ve unravelled the very fabric of time and space if it we’re not for us. We’ve looked gruesome comedic death in the face before, and shot it with a plunger. That’s why we were promoted to the top two positions in Acme’s Retrieval Division then, that’s why we’re qualified to help save the Universe now. ”

” But-” Streudel began to interject, but When wasn’t finished.

” And think of what happens to planets that cross paths with the Lexx crew. I may not have seen S4, but I know this does not bode well for our Little Blue Planet. Even if they save the Universe by themselves, what’s the likelihood they won’t cock things up and still destroy the Earth? I say the only chance you, me, the Earth, or the Universe has is for us to see this thing out to the end. Whaddya say, Chief, are you with me? And you bloody well better not sing ” Final Stand ” at me, a simple yes or no will do nicely. ”

” I hate to say it, but you’re right. Don’t worry, When, I’ve got your back right to the end. And I’m sorry I’ve been distracted watching Kai’s front rather than your back recently. I haven’t been much of a Chief or a friend. ”

Streudel fished a wallet from between her cleavage.

” I won’t be needing this anymore. ” She tossed her quaint little Kai drooling card into a nearby trash can. ” Agent When’s jaw dropped in disbelief.

” And this-” She pulled out her Acme badge. Agent When grabbed her arm. ”

Streudel, no…Don’t do it. ”

The Chief placed the badge in her top agent’s hand. ” This…you can give back to me when I deserve it again. ”

****************************************************

JH had searched the entire lower level and had still not found Stanley, or rendezvoused with Fourth and Zev as he and Fourth had planned. He was beginning to suspect he’d been double-crossed by the Security Guard Class Faux. In fact, he wondered if Stan and his Stan-d in weren’t working together. It was probably a dual diabolical Tweedletrap designed to take his galaxy of sweetness away.

” I will invent a machine to pull the flesh off of both their rotting Tweedle carcasses in sheets, I will…no, that’ll take too long…” JH spotted a box of leftover chocolate eclairs outside a patient’s room. ” Yes, this will do just perfectly,” he said selecting one of the rock hard stale pastries. He held the oblong confection in an assassin’s grip, squeezing curdled custard out the ends and laughing maniacally. He stopped abruptly.

Another thought struck him. ” But wait…What if one of the Kai’s steals her away? Or Prince? Or Vixen? Or those drooling Acme Agents? They’re all scheming bitches…” JH decided to take the entire box of eclairs.

” Soon, we’ll have the Key to the Lexx and my darling Diva of Delight and I will fly away to a future of joy times infinity squared…right after we waste this planet…just to be sure we’ll be left alone…”

Well that was instalment 3 of the last chapter! We’re getting there!