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he died last week and i found out last night when i was lying in bed with a cold feeling sorry for myself and my ex called to tell me…those of us who came of age in the era of aids have had to come to terms with death at an earlier age than our parents, but now i am in the range of losing people to the ordinary evils like heart attacks and i still cannot say familiarity breeds contempt…my friend was not famous, he was one of the people who opened my eyes as a young snotty college liberal from the northeast that vietnam vets are just people too…we all lived in a quiet little “techy” town in the california desert, miles from any nightlife and consequently were forced to reinvent that most ancient form of entertainment, being with other people and talking…for hours…about movies…star trek…war…fixing houses…favorite foods…i still think about friday nights at the house of this man and his exquisite tiny japanese wife…watching movies…playing trivial pursuits…drinking…and above all talking…i remember their star trek collectibles (no they didn’t go to conventions wearing pointy ears!) and spirited debates about the direction of the star trek movies (one of which had been shot in the desert around us—much excitement) he knew about everything, was curious about everything, and was full of gentle,dry humour and earnest wisdom…i remember setting a parquet floor with my then husband and furiously trying to set this disaster to rights because our friend was going to come help us and my husband saying ” i feel like your father is coming to visit” (word of advice, do not embark upoon home improvement projects with your spouse, it will only cause fights and resentment!) anyway…i hadnt kept up with these friends, i kept meaning to but phone numbers changed and days turned into weeks which rapidly flew into years and i wish i had talked to him and his faamily again recently…i guess part of the reason interview with the vampire and lexx appeal to me and make me sad at the same time is the concept of not having to deal with the finality of death…but i wish i had kept the idea that death is unpredictable and undeniable a little closer to me, and made the most of each opportunity to speak to those i care about…i hope i havent brought you guys down, but i wanted to say something about my friend and his family
[This message has been edited by FX (edited 01-26-2001).]
*swallowing back the lump in my throat*
I know. I’m sorry.
*sniff* You know that we are close in age.
*damnit, why do I always go off in a millions tears when I talk like this?*
I’ve lost everyone except my closest family.
My Mom, brothers and uncle are all that are left.
I shouldn’t get so upset over this, I know it. I’ve been there (seen the other side, I drowned). It’s a place of ultimate joy and love – that universe that they’ve been transported to.
One day I will see it again. I revel in that fact. Living like death will never come, I finally have to face it.
Kirk spoke of it to Spock in one of the best written Spock/Kirk chats. I’m sure you remember it. We all live this folly, don’t we?
The best funeral I ever attended was a Buddist ceremony. The priest wore white and green. He decorated the dead with palm leaves. He said, instead of feeling sorry, we should look to the new life that will come for our friends. We should pray for strength for ourselves, for it is we who suffer needlessly. He spoke of life, and blessed us all. I was deeply moved.
That in contrast to the terrible torture of having to bury my father in a traditional Roman Catholic ceremony. He was 36 years of age – I’m 36 now…. I wonder if I will outlive him? How long do I really have? Everyday I wrestle with the emotions that torment me. I gather solace from darn silly programs like Lexx. I like to cover myself in emotional robes of black and dream of a painless death. Impossible. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons why I like Kai. He is the lover, brought back to life forever. He’s always there. Just my fantasy of what I’d like to have, but never can have. Gather your strength, weep, pray for your friend and for yourself. If I could send you my tears on a bottle, I would, to let you know how much I understand.In the end, all souls meet and are joyous.
In the words of T’Pau, “I grieve with thee. Live long and prosper, FX.”
I feal the same way!!!
I dont now what to say, Im not good at talking about things like this but you and your friend is in my thoughts!!!
My life has bein Hell (And Im only 21) so I understand what you mean about seing series and dreaming in to the caracters lifes!!!
Seing there trubles and there happy times!!!
I doe that al the time!!!
I never had any real friends or any real girlfriends ( my only girlfriend broke up with me after 3 days) and my family redjects me!!! The only ones that dont treat me like **** is my mom and my brother!!!
The only real friend I had was my grandmother (fathers side)!!! I played with here when I was litle (We used to si by her tabel and drive toycars to etchouther and playd games and… the Bibel!!! She always read to me from the Bibel!!!
And her kärlost (Swedish thing (witsh dies out with the old generation and the machine milking of cows) mad frome the milk that the cow makes fore there (cow babis)!!! Mixed with spices, russin, coked and eaten with fruit sause), here wafols and giving me candy!!! Whel, she died last year!!! She was in a home and I dident se her as ofen as I intended to doe! The dockters made a “mistake” and gave here fore the 3:d time a medisine that almost killed her in the past! She was alerdgick to it but they never checked the files!!! She would have lived fore manny years more if that hadent happen!!! I blocked out that she had died and pretended that it never hapend (I gues that I couldent stand the greaf)but at x-mas time when we where at my fathers sister pleace and she showed a video of one time when my grandmothere selebrated X-mas with them and she played here Dragspel (dont now the English word fore it!!! A musicinstrument that is like a scottish pipe but with butens and pressing insted of blowing) I just starded out in tears and thought that I would die of greaf!!!I dont now way I told you al this, I gues that I just whant you to now that I understand som of what you are going thruw!!!
I kant wright more now!!! To painful!!!
Like I said… You and your friend are in my thoughts!!!
——————
I am the crusader*damnit, why do I always go off in a millions tears when I talk like this?*
I’ve lost everyone except my closest family.
My Mom, brothers and uncle are all that are left.
I shouldn’t get so upset over this, I know it. I’ve been there (seen the other side, I drowned). It’s a place of ultimate joy and love – that universe that they’ve been transported to.
The best funeral I ever attended was a Buddist ceremony. The priest wore white and green. He decorated the dead with palm leaves. He said, instead of feeling sorry, we should look to the new life that will come for our friends. We should pray for strength for ourselves, for it is we who suffer needlessly. He spoke of life, and blessed us all. I was deeply moved.
That in contrast to the terrible torture of having to bury my father in a traditional Roman Catholic ceremony. He was 36 years of age – I’m 36 now…. I wonder if I will outlive him? How long do I really have? Everyday I wrestle with the emotions that torment me. I gather solace from darn silly programs like Lexx. I like to cover myself in emotional robes of black and dream of a painless death. Impossible. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons why I like Kai. He is the lover, brought back to life forever. He’s always there. Just my fantasy of what I’d like to have, but never can have. Gather your strength, weep, pray for your friend and for yourself.
In the end, all souls meet and are joyous.In the words of T’Pau, “I grieve with thee. Live long and prosper, FX.”
[/B][/QUOTE]
thank you and i very much hope you are right…i know you are right about those who are left behind are the ones who are suffering and berating ourselves…that buddhist ceremony sounds wonderful, wish we christians hadn’t lost the idea of death being a doorway, i guess it’s not coompatible with trying to beat us into being good in this life with threats of punishment in the next! again, thank you
quote:
Originally posted by crusader:
I feal the same way!!!I dont now what to say, Im not good at talking about things like this but you and your friend is in my thoughts!!!
My life has bein Hell (And Im only 21) so I understand what you mean about seing series and dreaming in to the caracters lifes!!!
Seing there trubles and there happy times!!!
I doe that al the time!!!
I never had any real friends or any real girlfriends ( my only girlfriend broke up with me after 3 days) and my family redjects me!!! The only ones that dont treat me like **** is my mom and my brother!!!
The only real friend I had was my grandmother (fathers side)!!! I played with here when I was litle (We used to si by her tabel and drive toycars to etchouther and playd games and… the Bibel!!! She always read to me from the Bibel!!!
I blocked out that she had died and pretended that it never hapend (I gues that I couldent stand the greaf)but at x-mas time when we where at my fathers sister pleace and she showed a video of one time when my grandmothere selebrated X-mas with them and she played here Dragspel I just starded out in tears and thought that I would die of greaf!!!I dont now way I told you al this, I gues that I just whant you to now that I understand som of what you are going thruw!!!
I kant wright more now!!! To painful!!!
Like I said… You and your friend are in my thoughts!!!
crusader, the one thing i do not envy men is that everyoone expects them to be strong and not to show grief…at least as a woman you are allowed to show grief…and it helps, i felt so much better telling you all about my friend you have no idea…and for better or for worse, someone’s dying is not something that we resolve and forget about, it is a fact we trip over again and again like something we forgot to put away…and each time we trip over this fact it hurts, but it also helps to keep that person alive for us…i am glad you have your mother and brother, i am an only child and always wanted a brother, but you also have us to talk with, the rest will come in its own time thank you for your sweetness love fx
I haven’t lost many people close to me. It’s gonna happen, and I’m dreading it.
{SadGeezer gives a big hug to FX, Rustam and Crusader}
——————
thank you, sad
[This message has been edited by FX (edited 02-01-2001).]
quote:
Originally posted by SadGeezer:
I haven’t lost many people close to me. It’s gonna happen, and I’m dreading it.
I understand how you feel, Sad. I have pretty much avoided this topic for the past few days because there’ve been a number of medical problems in my immediate family as of late, and this wasn’t something I really wanted to turn my thoughts to. When confronted with the mortality of those I’m close to, I tend to just try and hide all my fears and pretend that they’re not there.
So, FX, my apologies on not offering my condolences sooner. I have lost relatively few in my life, but those I have lost, I loved deeply, and I’ll miss them always. However, while I don’t put much faith in the Christian version of an afterlife, I know that their spirits were far too vital to be crushed by a mere physical end. In that, I take some comfort. I hope that you can find the same in time. My best to you.quote:
{SadGeezer gives a big hug to FX, Rustam and Crusader}[/B]
…and here’s another hug from me to all of you as well.
–Aleck
I just read these posts and was moved to tears. So So sorry about your friend FX. And I too would like to give FX, Rustam and Crusader a big HUG! What beautiful hearts you all have, your writing has brought many emotions to the surface. I also am not very good at this kind of thing,(being taught as a young child to hold my emotions and thoughts inside), but had to say that I to feel as you all do. I guess thats why I also love sci-fi and Lexx so much. For that short time I can live another existence without the constraints and heartaches of the real world. Good Sci-fi is so much fun.
quote:
Originally posted by Aleck:
…and here’s another hug from me to all of you as well.–Aleck
aleck, thank you, and no apologies needed…the thing that drew me to the sadboard was that aside from the humor, which i really need, there are a lot of really bright and thoughtful people out there who made me think…i too do not have the solace of a traditional christian view of the afterlife; i make do with vague ideas of lifeforces as you say too important to be crushed by mere physical death, and like you when i think of a loved one’s death, i not only hide, i very superstitiously try to think of my own death, i guess to draw any bad karma onto myself rather than them…how’s that for silly? i guess it’s my own primitive attempts at magickal thinking but it soothes me that i may have soothed the gods into ignoring my loved ones for awhile (can you believe a ‘rational’ scientific type is admitting to this) but i guess death makes children of us all…the only thing i can say for chronic illness is that it gives you the survivor time to coome to terms with death and actually welcome it when you can no longer stand to see your loved ones suffer, or in a state you know they would not wish to be in…it also gives you time to set things right so you won’t have to waste time with “i wish i had” later…love to you aleck, i’m always glad to see you visit
FX, when I read you post about your friend it really got to me. I’m not ashamed to say I was wiping away tears. Then when I read all the comforting and encouraging posts from the other Lexxians it made me realize that we are not alone with our loss and fears. Whenever I get really down I think of this poem and it really sums everything up about how important each and every person is……
YOU
You may not think the world needs you –
but it does.
For you are unique,
like no one that has ever been before
or will come after……
No one can speak with your voice,
say your piece, smile your smile
or shine your light…
No one can take your place,
for it is yours alone to fill.
If you are not there to shine your light,
who knows how many travelers will lose their way as they try to pass by your empty place in the darkness….I’m sure you were a light to your friend as he was a light to you.
I guess thats why I also love sci-fi and Lexx so much. For that short time I can live another existence without the constraints and heartaches of the real world. Good Sci-fi is so much fun. [/B][/QUOTE]
amen sapphire, i am an only child and i cannot begin to explain to people what books and art mean to me, when i was hurting, i very early learned to lose myself in a book or music, meanwhile my subconcious could work things out so that when i came out of my fantasy world i found that things were not so unsurmountable anymore and that i could actually begin to cope with them…in my case, it meant to close people that i didn’t seem to care, that i was hiding in a book, but i just never learned to talk about really painful things face to face, i have to let some distance set in and then i can at least talk around them… stephen king’ anne rice, paul donovan, et al (and now you guys) will never know how much money and time i have saved in psychiatry sessions!
quote:
Originally posted by FX:
i too do not have the solace of a traditional christian view of the afterlife; i make do with vague ideas of lifeforces as you say too important to be crushed by mere physical death, and like you when i think of a loved one’s death, i not only hide, i very superstitiously try to think of my own death, i guess to draw any bad karma onto myself rather than them…how’s that for silly? i guess it’s my own primitive attempts at magickal thinking but it soothes me that i may have soothed the gods into ignoring my loved ones for awhile (can you believe a ‘rational’ scientific type is admitting to this) but i guess death makes children of us all…
Actually, FX, I do believe it. Fantasies of death are common with me. It helps me understand the process of death and rebirth. on another note, here’s a life lesson I had, it might help explain.
– Once a famous Star Trek actor – Mark Leonard, (Spock’s Father, Sarek/Romulan Commander/Klingon)dragged me to the side of an acting class that I was auditing. He had been watching me view the performance.Standing over me, a giant of a man, he pressed his face close to mine and said,
“Amanda.” (Egad, he called me by my name!)
“Why don’t you take some acting classes?”
I shuddered and replied in a quivering voice, “I…I…I’m a musician.”He stood to full height and laughed.
“Then you’re already half there! Why, acting is just like music!”
I tried to walk away, but he followed me.
“Won’t you try?” He held out his hand.
I crumpled.
“No…It’s too hard..all those emotions! I’d crack up!”Mr. Leonard’s features softened, and he leaned in close to me and whispered,
“No, it keeps us from cracking up. It’s a release! We don’t need headshrinks…we do it for ourselves, on the stage.”Needless to say, I had no more words for him.
He looked at my faceful of mixed emotions and could see that I was confused.“Well, you think it over.”
With that, he gathered up the crew and invited me to dinner.He held dinner like it was the last supper. He broke the bread and poured the wine for everyone. I was unconfortable, sitting at that table, knowing that I should do what he asked.
5 years later I learned of his death.
Interesting, how one person can teach so much, with so few words?I do alot of pretending. It’s MY fantasy…no one can take it away from me.
If I choose to, I can be anyone anywhere.
That is my strength.
That is my religion.——————
~~~Rustam~~~ “Help me, Lexx is eating my brain!”~~~~You are absolutly right, Rustam!!!
I have lived in a fantasyworld al my life and thats where I feal good!!! I gues thats what made me bekam an actor!!! When I act Im someone eles and has someone eleses life that I can live!!!
I wouldent give up acting fore the world!!!——————
I am the crusaderI’ve been thinking about this for awhile, when someone had mentioned how great it is to be “logical.” I’ve ran into a lot of people through the years who just rave on how logic is fantastic. Ok, maybe it has it’s merits, but without emotions, how can you act on your logical conclusions?
I’m gonna use this board to rave on about emotions.
What is an Artist?
It is the actor expressing what he is afraid to feel.
It is the painter drawing what he can not say.
It is the poet who doesn’t know any other way
To express what lies beneath.
It is the muscian who shares his sadness through the notes
Because he can not say it with the words.
It is the writer who has a burning story to tell.
It is the director haunted by a vision.
It is the photographer who sees what others can’t.
It is the human form of pure emotion.
Without emotion, there is no art.So emotion ain’t so bad. Harnessing it with an artistic form is the healthiest thing in the world.
——————
“…we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what normal is anyway.”You all are so Insightful!! Some of the most intelligent and enlightened in the known universe right here on this site!! My hubby is one of those “Logical ones”, in fact his coworkers nickname for him is “Mr. Spock”. I find it very hard to converse with him sometimes because I am the great emotional one, I can be brought to tears with just a song. My hubby just looks at me like I am crazy !!
“Live long and Prosper” HEE HEEI only just read your letter, so I’m a little late with my response. I don’t have anything fancy or wise to say, everyone else has said it all so succinctly,
but
big hug
Kaisothergirl2 xx
quote:
Originally posted by kaisothergirl2:
I only just read your letter, so I’m a little late with my response. I don’t have anything fancy or wise to say, everyone else has said it all so succinctly,
but
big hug
Kaisothergirl2 xx
thank you sweetie, i was surprised to see this thread reactivated and i am glad for your thoughts and that you are finding your way around the different sites so well (including the yahoo groups uncon list)
when sad was able to regroup this thread after the disaster a couple of weeks ago i felt healed because i could go back and visit the incredible thoughts and feelings these very special people had reached out to me with…thank you again all of you…FX, I’m sorry that my reply is so late – also sorry that I’m dragging sad thoughts back into your mind. Maybe by now, you have been able to remember your friend with happy thoughts?
May I make a suggestion? It would be nice to write to his widow. A huge big long letter – don’t miss out anything. Explain your feelings, why you didn’t get back in contact & write about all the good times you all had. She will cry, but she will hopefully keep the letter & read it again from time to time when she feels down. Do it for her & do it for you – it will make you feel better & turn your friend’s memory into a happy memory.
Love
Nick
quote:
Originally posted by Nick:
FX, I’m sorry that my reply is so late – May I make a suggestion? It would be nice to write to his widow. A huge big long letter – don’t miss out anything. Explain your feelings, why you didn’t get back in contact & write about all the good times you all had. She will cry, but she will hopefully keep the letter & read it again from time to time when she feels down. Do it for her & do it for you – it will make you feel better & turn your friend’s memory into a happy memory.Love
Nick
thank you nick, and no you are not dragging sad thoughts back, i think about my friend in good happy terms, and yes i have spoken to his wife several times and we have actually been able to laugh, you see my friend was an extremely anal engineer as well as being also funny whimsical and into science fiction…at any rate we were discussing his blood pressure and i said that i cant believe he didnt take his own blood pressure and keep careful little records, she said wait a minute and went to the file cabinet, and there, under blood pressure, was a file with careful little dates and times and blood pressures recorded, now this may sound grim but we both had to laugh because yet again he had not let us down! thank you for your sweet letter, and i think i will write her a nice long letter too,you can’t take out a phone call years later and reread and remember…love fx
I’m glad that you’ve been in touch, FX. I know how these things can drag on when you’ve been out of contact.
One thing I forgot to mention – the letter should be handwritten, it’s much more personal. You probably knew that already.
The blood pressure file is excellent – now *that is* organisation. I will remember your friend for that.
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