A New Twist On An Old Lexxian Story!

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    A New Twist On An Old Lexxian Story!

    (What once passed for Valderon’s Disclaimer!)

    There has been a very bright light in the sky tonight. The sixty-five year old went into all of our bedrooms and pulled the blinds down on all of the windows. We had been redding up the house and outened all of the lights early in the even. Bout ten o’clock we were all settled in for bed.

    Mr. Miller had brought us home some good Jersey milk to make fresh butter with for breakfast, and I skimmed it,..shook it,..and salted the resulting fresh butter, made from the rich cream that comes from jersey cow milk. We would have the butter with my scratch biscuits in the morning.

    Once we had all settled in for the night,..I heard a shout from outside the house. One of our neighbors was a’ hollering for some reason!

    For us, my family,..it was late, past ten PM. We are not fancy folk and we don’t sit up till all hours like past eleven PM or past midnight. The ten year old’s classmates are scandalized if she talks about what she watches on television at night. They are scandalized that she even posseses such an instrument of the devil as a television set. And the sixty five year old is just one generation away from making me wear a head covering and using one horse transportation. We try to fit into the neighborhood by keeping decent hours,..i..e..we are in bed at night and sleep past seven in the morning.

    Anyways, we had all settled in for the night when we heard the neighborman’s yell of,..”Fire! Fire!! Fire at the lumberyard!”

    If that was not enough to shake my poor family out of bed,..there was the bright light that suddenly came flashing through our bedroom windows!! Such was that light that it was brighter than any that even the sixty -five year old had ever seen in his sixty-five years! I swallowed hard and climbed out of bed.

    “Stay down!” I whispered to the sixty-five year old, who was now hiding undr the bed.

    “I’m in my closet and not coming out!!” yelped the ten year old’s muffled voice from her room down the hall.

    “I’m going out!” I growled as I stood up and headed for my chest of drawers,..”If I’m not back by morning…..!”

    “If you ain’t back here by morning,” spluttered the sixty-five year old from his position from under the bed,..”Then you ain’t a’ commin back!!”

    I picked up my 22 rifle,.a flashlight,..and some ammo and lit out cross the back of the yard into our neighbor’s cow pasture to see what was going on. Zeke Miller’s lumber yard,..I assumed,..was the lumberyard,.which was on fire. Zeke’s wood yard was the closest lumberyard,..two miles down the road, but was just a quarter mile away through the pasture.

    When I had climbed through the barbed wire of the fence, I saw the very bright light flash again..not more than halfway cross the cow pasture from me! I set my 22 down the crook of my arm and made my way cross the cow pasture.

    Despite my extreme care in stepping about in the darkness,..I slipped on a cow patty and landed on a human body!! It was a dead human body so I found as I felt it’s cold skin whilst I scrambled back to my feet,..slipped on that same dang cow patty again and I landed right on top of “that dead stiff!”

    That “dead stiff’ was definetely a “dead stiff” a’ cause he was damn cold and stiff and I could feel his cold skin as I landed on top of him!! As Mr. Miller was not in the habit of keeping dead bodies in his back cow pasture,..I knew that the “stiff” did not belong here!! Mr. Miller’s cows would certainly give sour milk if he was in the habit of keeping dead bodies in his cow pasture!!

    I gulped and pointed the light of my flashlight down on the dead face. It was a man. It was a Dead Man,..but he had a very beautiful and delicate face. He,..if this man was a “he,”…(the dead head bore what amounted to the long hair of a woman in these parts of Ohio),..was a good looking corpse. In fact,..he was one damn fine good looking corpse.

    “Oh shyst,..Stanelle!” I whispered to myself as I felt his wrist and tried to find a pulse, “He is just TOO good looking to be dead!”

    He WAS dead. No pulse.

    “Oh shyst!” I muttered to myself again, “Why do all of the good looking men around here have to be either Old order Amish..or DEAD?”

    Then,..the Dead man..opened his eyes!!

    (to be continued!!)


    A New Twist On An Old Story

    (part two)

    (What used to be called Valdron’s Disclaimer!)

    Under the beam of the flashlight, the Dead man not only opened his eyes,.but asked a question!!

    “Have you seen a burning moth go down? It was piloted by a love slave, named Xev. She is dressed in a lizard skin.”

    “I am heading towards a bright light, that went down about a quarter of a mile from here!” I stammered out to this “talking corpse,”…(One does not often meet “talking corpses” in back cow pastures,..even in these parts of the state!!),..”Could that be your aircraft?”

    I looked down at the corpse-like body,..which had spoken to me quite clearly. I hoped that the night air was not getting to me! Night air is still rumoured, in these parts of Ohio, to be quite toxic to the brain. Holding a conversation with a corpse,..as I was,..could be direct proof of the fetidness of night air on one’s brain!!

    “High up in your atmosphere,” The Dead man announced to my stupfaction, “The moth that Xev and I were piloting,..was struck by an unleashed flow of electrons. The right side of the moth was blasted out. The moth was still able to fly on, but it was burning and it could not have flown much farther.”

    “How far up were you when all of this happened?” I asked quite doubtfully.

    “The moth was in the belt of radiation, which surrounds your planet.” was the reply.

    “Haw me ’round a bit! Yer joshin’!” I snorted at the Dead Guy, “If you fell from an aircraft near the Van Allen Radiation belt,.you’d have come down so hard that you would have left a crater and your bod would be splattered to pieces after you landed,..quite dead!”

    I stated all of this with a certain smugness. Fool with me,..hah! This Dead Guy didn’t know who he was a ‘dealin’ with!!

    The corpse sat up,..glanced at me quickly, raised its’ right wrist as it clicked said wrist with its’ left hand and pointed it at me as if he were going to use it as a weapon or something of that catagory. Just as unexpectedly,.he lowered his wrist. I had gotten the distinct impression that unpleasant consequences would follow for me if I again implied that this said corpse was in error as to something that he had said.

    Then,..just as suddenly,..the Dead guy..”pouted!” (He pouted?) His wrist went back to his side. With a perfectly expressionless face,.he said to me as if he was repeating a mantra,..”The Dead do not get annoyed!!”

    “No,” I blurted out, “The Dead are just dead! Hey,..man! Are you sure that someone didn’t just give you some bad cider down at Kiki’s Cafe up in town and you came down here and slept it off?”

    My jibe didn’t shake the Dead Man’s cool.

    “I am dead. I am Divine Assassin. I was decarbonized. When the Dead are made into Divine Assassins, they do not splatter upon impact with the dirt of a so-called type 13 planet.” he stated this quite blankly as he said it so matter of factly, “And I did leave a crater in the middle of the cellulose dumping ground where my body impacted. I came down on a grid, filled with wire of a type used to transport electrons. This has knocked me slightly out of alighnment, but my systems are repairing themselves. As I asked you before, have you seen a gigantic burning moth,.suitable for space transport,..piloted by a love slave,..who is dressed in a lizard skin?”

    “No!” I muttered as much to myself as to the Dead man, “But if I didn’t have to find the source of that bright light, which scared the hell out of my family,..I’d be on MY way to KooKoo’s Cafe to get a hard cider! Talking to a corpse in a back cow pasture is not easy on one’s nerves. I wonder if this is all not just the result of such a spree!! Talking to Dead Space Men in Zeke Miller’s back pasture is not one’s everyday experience!!
    And What the hell is a love slave?”

    “The flames seem to be burning hotter from the changing colors visible in it’s color spectrum. ” The corpse broke up my musings as he gazed at the flames, which were shooting up in the direction of the lumberyard and visible a quarter of a mile away from our spot in the pasture, “I will answer your question about love slaves..later!”

    With a distinct feeling of rising alarm,..I asked the “self-styled’ Divine Assasin, “Would you just walk off and leave innocent people, who might have been working there,..to be burned to death?”

    (to be continued!)


    A New Twist On An Old Story! (part 3)

    (What was once called Valdron’s disclaimer!!)

    The self-styled “Dead man-Space Man” looked in the direction of the lumberyard. Flames were shooting up over the horizon.

    “Did you just walk off and leave any innocent people,.who were working there, to be burned to death?” I asked him with increasing urgency. The Divine-looking corpse glared at me with narrowed eyes and I saw that his lips noticibly had tightened.

    “Are you certain that you have no knowledge of the reputation of Divine Assassins?” he responded to my question with a question.

    “Hell no!!” I squacked back at him, “I’m just a’wantin to know if I should leave here and tell my son to go dial the 911 number and give them some information as to where to go if you left someone to burn to death at that durn lumberyard!”

    The look that I got from the talking corpse at that comment told me that in another moment if I didn’t change my line of conversation with him,.I was going to definitely find out just how he used that weapon thingie, which was either attached to his wrist or built right into it!

    Between tightened narrowed lips and a face that he made as blank as possible, he seemed to almost spit out at me, “I am Kai,..Last of the Brunnin G,..and I would have no motivation to leave anyone to be burned alive at the cellulose dumping ground. There was no one at the cellulose dumping ground when I hit the wire grid, which seems to have caused the fire!!”

    “So you admit to setting the place on fire?” I squawked at him,.”Yipe! No wonder that you was runnin’ away! You’re an arsonist!!”

    Sirens began to sound so loudly that even I could make them out and flashing lights in the distance told me that someone had called the fire Departments and the Emergency Response Squads.

    My anger overode my good sense and I turned angrily to the Dead man and demanded of him, “Why didn’t you call for help unless you set the fire?? Huh? And if you fell out of an aircraft,..why didn’t you go splat,..huh?
    And don’t tell me that you fell out of an aircraft when you was up so high that you dang near was ready to touch the Van Alllen Radiation belts!! Next you’ll be a’claiming to be a’ coming from Mars or something!!
    You’re a danged arsonist,..that’s what you are!! You’re a barn-burner if I ever saw one!! I had more lies told to me in the past couple of minutes as I had lies told to me alla’ last week! Your story is just so..so…so..!”

    “Unbelievable?” my “self-proclaimed visitor from the heavens” seemed to go tight all over at my berating. His breath seemed to come out of him in sort of a little hiss, and then he drew in air again in a most unnatural way. It was…almost as if he wasn’t really a living breathing creature,..but a walking bellows!!

    With another unnatural hiss,..Mr Space-Man fed me his “line”..again,..”As I’ve explained to you before,..I’M ALREADY DEAD!! My body was made into that of a Divine Assassin…!”

    Before we could continue our debate as to the”living-versus-non-living-state” of his being, the Dead Man suddenly snapped his head in the direction from which I had just come. He looked back at me and I swear by the light of my flashlight on his face,..I swear I could see why the poor critter was swapping “out-of-his-head-lies” with me about the way he was! The poor bugger had the “pale-skin-jaundice!!” His eyes were clear yellow!! I caught my breath and clucked in pity fer him!! With pale skin such as he had,..his circulation had to be way off!

    The “Dead Guy” made an attempt to stand up and sort of staggered back on his rump with his legs splayed out! I sure as hell wasn’t going to try to help him,.if he didn’t ask me! Then, I’d have to touch him without gloves! I didna’ wanta’ get the “jaundice!!”

    The Dead Guy gave me another glance and another snake-like hiss seemed to come out of him! (This made sense as the really advanced stages of THAT kind of jaundice also signifies certain types of lung problems!!) He did the wrist-clicking again and pointed that wrist in the direction from which I had first approached him.

    “Get behind me!” he growled at me in an almost mechanical voice, “Another living female is approaching us!”

    (To be continued!)


    *Does half-baked Connery impression* It would be amish not to comment on thish; an excellent read, very funny!

    You going to continue it? Like to read more.

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