Funniest Sci Fi Quotes

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    Funniest sci fi quotes.

    My current fave is:

    You cactus b a s t a r d! If you’re so smart, how come you are selling ice cream and not ruling the universe?
    Gene Starwind, Outlaw Star.

    Or possibly:

    You know Arthur, when you spend two months riding around on a really big man, you start to learn a few things about yourself. You learn that it is a really great thing to stay on Earth and live in a place that has no arms or legs of its own. And most importantly Arthur, you learn how to close your eyes and tell yourself that this just isn’t happening to me.
    The Tick (Alone Together)

    Or maybe one of the cruelest defences in sci fi history:

    I ask the court one key question, would the Space Corps ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew. A man so petty and small minded that he would while away the evening sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel, an over zealous trumped up little squirt….. an incompetent vending machine repair man with a Napoleon complex… who had as much respect from his crew-members as long John Silver’s parrot. Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tee-bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew.. who …. Only a yoghurt! This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his crime, it is also his punishment!
    Kryten defending Arnold J Rimmer in Justice, Red Dwarf

    What’s your fave sci fi quote?


    its not you, its me, i just dont like you
    Aren sun Farscape


    i do not think, that i think.. i think.

    -kai, lexx.

    or.. you could just look down.. that’s another kai quote. (don’t know if i got it exactly right though..)


    How about this:

    “It’s not rocket surgery…”

    Bunny from Lexx



    Get the hell outa our galaxy!
    (Sheridan, Babylon 5)


    Space Corps Directive #196156: Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the excercise bicycle in the women’s gym will be discharged without trial.
    (Kryten, Red Dwarf)


    In fact! This is such a blast I’ll set up a module in this site so that we can display all the quotes mentioned in this thread at random each time a page is displayed – a sort of “Funny Sci Fi Quotes” module.

    The thing is, I need a LOT more of your fave quotes. So keep ’em commin’ guys!


    “Brain and brain! What is BRAIN?!?”
    –Kara, “Spock’s Brain,” Star Trek


    In fact, I’d say use the quote in my signature as well. It’s a cartoon, yes, but it’s set on another planet, the only human in the show is Dad, and it’s chock full of flying robot attacks and the occasional spacecraft arrival/takeoff.


    Well, here’s one from Event Horizon:

    Weir: “Using layman’s terms, you use a rotating magnetic field to focus a narrow beam of gravitons. These in turn fold space-time consistent with Weil tensor dynamics until the space-time curvature becomes infinitely large and you produce a singularity. Now a singularity..”

    Miller: “Layman’s terms?”

    Cooper: “**** layman’s terms, Do You Speak English?”


    How about this one…

    When I want your opinion, I’lll beat it out of you.

    Oh, wait. that is my quote, not a sci-fi one…. my bad.


    Not really. I saw it being used in the exapansion for the game Starcraft, namely Brood Wars.

    ”The wrote:

    Not really. I saw it being used in the exapansion for the game Starcraft, namely Brood Wars.

    Well in that case, here’s another one from Starscraft’s Jim Raynor, “I’m POSITIVE I heard that wrong!”


    Really?!? Gosh, I have been using it for about 25 years now. Who knew. 😀


    GalaxyQuest: It exploded.

    Tim Allen’s line: …it turned inside out and THEN it EXPLODED!

    Weaver’s line: Hold please.

    Weaver and Allen’s characters having to run through the chompy things: I don’t want to do this. Why are these things even here?

    Allen: It was in the episode.

    Weaver: Well, screw that! I’m not gonna do it! The script was badly written!

    HHGTG: Probability of 1 to 1. Normality is acheived. Anything you can’t deal is your own problem.


    I don’t suppose you could use any from computer games like Space Quest or Star Control?

    From Space Quest –

    Roger Wilco:”I won’t go down without a fight, Quirk! I know Kung Fu, Karate, Tai Kwan Do, and several other chieniese words!”

    Gary Owens:”Its some kind of monitor. Probably used to monitor something or other.”

    Gary Owens:”Zero-G skating might be perfect for you since you’ve got a zero IQ.”

    From Star Control-

    Zoq-Fot-Pik : Attention, starship!
    We are the Zoq-Fot-Pik.
    Make no hostile actions!
    We come in peace, and with good will.
    But if you make one false move, you’re vapor!
    Don’t worry, my companion is just a bit nervous
    No, I’m not!
    and argumentative.
    No, I’m not.

    Human and Spathi conversation :
    A mutually beneficial alliance of minds and might.
    An egalitarian fellowship of sentient lifeforms.
    The kind where you do everything EXACTLY as we say.

    Spathi : Hello Captain Ally Hunam! We are here in this place at this time, just like you — how wonderful.

    Some others-

    If I ever meet myself, I’ll hit myself so hard I won’t know what’s hit me. – Zaphod Beeblebrox, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galexy”

    Kind words and a 2×4 will get you farther than kind words alone. – Marcus, Babylon 5

    “I just got a call from some crazy blankity-blank saying he found a real live dead alien body.”
    –Detective Manners, “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space”


    Computer games, sci fi books, films and TV all count. Only thing is, it must be Sci Fi and funny 😀

    The quotes module will be up taday and on the left hand column of the screen. 🙂


    “Who am I, I am Susan Ivanova, commander, daughter of Andrei and Sophi Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart, I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you will ever see. God sent me!”
    – Commander Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5

    “There comes a time when you look into the mirror and realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. Then you accept it, or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking into mirrors.”
    – Ambassador Londo mollari, Babylon 5

    “I apologize. I’m .. sorry. I’m sorry we had to defend ourselves against an unwarranted attack. I’m sorry that your crew was stupid enough to fire on a station filled with a quarter million civilians, including your own people. And I’m sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to hell. .. As with everything else, it’s the thought that counts.”
    – Captain John Sheridan, Babylon 5

    “I don’t hold a grudge, I have no surviving enemies”
    – Galen, Crusade


    “What do you want, you moon faced assassin of joy?”

    Londo Mollari, Babylon 5

    Beebop -bel

    ok some of these are not word perfect but you get the idea!

    “Its a garbage pod! Its a smegging garbage pod!”
    -Rimmer, Red Dwarf

    “It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but that’s the weather for you. For every mad scientist who’s had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is finished and lying on the slab, there must have been dozen who’ve sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime”
    -Good Omens, Terry Pratchett + Neil gaiman

    “Look into my eyes and tell me, are you funky enough?”
    -Globetrotter scientist to Bender, Futurama

    “I not quaking in my stylish, yet affordable boots but things like this don’t usually lead to hugs and puppies”
    -Once more with feeling, Buffy


    Here are a few from one of my fave sci-fi flicks of all, Brazil:

    Arresting Officer: This is your receipt for your husband … and this is my receipt for your receipt.

    Sam Lowry: How are the twins?
    Jack Lint: Triplets.
    Sam Lowry: My, how time flies!

    Guard: Don’t fight it son. Confess quickly! If you hold out too long you could jeopardize your credit rating.

    Clockwork Orange

    Alex (voice over): This is the real weepy and like tragic part of the story beginning. O my brothers and only friends. After a trial with judges and a jury, and some very hard words spoken against your friend and humble narrator, he was sentenced to fourteen years in Staja No. 84F, among smelly perverts and hardened prestoopnicks, the shock sending my dadda beating his bruised and krovvy rookers against unfair Bog in his Heaven, and my mum boohoohooing in her mother’s grief, at her only child and son of her bosom like letting everybody down real horrowshow.

    Alex (voice over): The prison [chaplain] was very fond of myself, me being very young, and also now very interested in the big book… I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and I could viddy myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in the height of Roman fashion.

    The infamous “Criswell Predicts” during the opening narration of Plan Nine From Outer Space.

    Criswell: Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are giving you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friend we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?

    From Zardoz:

    Zed: An old man calls to me. The voice of the turtle is heard in the land.

    Friend: We’ve all been used!
    Arthur: And re-used.”
    Friend: And abused!
    Arthur: And amused
    Both: Ha ha, ha! Blech. Uhgaaah…

    And my favourite, funniest moment from Zardoz:

    Various people say “It can’t be done! It’s impossible! It’s indestructible!” as super-human Zed punches through some Saran wrap.

    Zardoz trailer:

    fluffy bunny

    Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read “To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.” The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.

    Red Dwarf


    Rimmer: “Step up to Red Alert.”
    Kryten: “Are you absolutely sure sir? It does mean changing the light bulb…”

    (red dwarf series 6)


    here’s a couple of short but sweet ones:
    bloody hell!
    chief o’brien on seeing Q, DS9 (Q-less)

    lennier on Sheridan and Delenn’s first night of passion


    Not sci-fi, but funny anyway:

    “Support mental health or I’ll KILL you.”


    From Batman: The Movie (1966):

    Riddler’s question: “What’s dangerous and sits in a tree?”
    Robin: “A sparrow with a machine gun!”
    Batman: “Of course! The only possible answer!”

    (Remind me not to request Batman’s presence in The Pub):

    Batman: “They may be drinkers, Robin, but they’re still human beings.”

    “Shut up, you feline floozy!”

    Robin: “Holy bikini, Batman!”

    And the Riddler’s greatest riddle of all time:

    Question: “What’s yellow and writes?”
    Answer: “A ballpoint banana!” 😀


    I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum.

    I’m all out of Bubble-gum.

    Roddy Piper “They Live”

    This is my BOOM STICK


    “Technically?….. It’s a thingy.” Kryten, Red Dwarf


    In fact! This is such a blast I’ll set up a module in this site so that we can display all the quotes mentioned in this thread at random each time a page is displayed

    As 790 said to Xev in End of Universe, “I’ll hold you to that.” 😳

    You’re a scheming b i t c h

    790 to Amber in LEXX 4.19 HALEY COMET

    Just hearing that on USA tv freaked me out, bad. Wasn’t ready for it.


    I don’t like you being there.
    I do not like you!

    White Bunny Queen and Black Bishop in lexx 4.18 THE GAME


    “A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.”

    -Barberella in Barbarella

    A couple of quotes from The High Crusade:

    “And as we boarded the demon ship from hell, I became convinced that something terrible was going to happen.”

    “I don’t think I’ve ever seen an idiot actually blither before.”


    HOLLY: It’s a distress call from a ship called the Nova-5. They’ve
    crash-landed. I’m trying to establish contact.
    LISTER: Another ship! Brilliant! (Sips from a glass of milk.)
    RIMMER: So it’s not aliens, then?
    HOLLY: No, they’re from Earth. I hope they’d got some spare odds and
    sods on board. We’re a bit short on a few supplies.
    LISTER: Like what? (Sips his milk again.)
    HOLLY: Cow’s milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
    LISTER: What kind of milk are we using now? (Sips his milk.)
    HOLLY: Emergency back-up supply. We’re on the dog’s milk.
    LISTER: (Staring at the cup) Dog’s milk?!
    HOLLY: Nothing wrong with dog’s milk. Full of goodness, full of
    vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type
    of milk, dog’s milk.
    LISTER: Why?
    HOLLY: No bugger’ll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog’s milk is when
    it goes off it takes exactly the same as when it’s fresh.
    LISTER: Why didn’t you tell me, Holly?!
    HOLLY: What, and spoil your tea?

    LISTER whimpers and slams his cup down

    Love that one and fluffy bunny has another of my favorites in their sig too. 😆


    “How hard can it be, it’s not rocket surgery!”
    – Bunny, on piloting a jet fighter.


    “I know this ship like the back of my hand”
    *walks into a beam and knocks himself out
    – Montgomery Scott, some Star Trek film or other.


    No.2: “Are you going to run?”
    No.6: “Like the blazes; first chance I get.”
    No.2: “I mean, run for office?”

    – The Prisoner, ep. Free For All


    “It was… fun.”
    –Capt. Kirk’s last words


    “You’ll be the death of me yet Anikin!” – Obiwan


    ok so I dont know what you think of this show, but I have every epesode ether on tape or in file… Charmed

    here is a good one:

    Im Krell, a Zotar!
    Hi, Im Prue… Scorpio!

    from the movie Spawn:

    have you ever ridden a clowns pink pony before?

    Its a privlige beeing a hell spawn 😈


    Speaking of clowns, here’s a quote from Killer Klowns From Outer Space

    Security Guard: “What’re ya gonna do with those *pies*, boys?”

    Here’s an mpg from the movie (broadband recommended) (mpg comes from the GREAT bad movies site,



    I’m very generous. What about that time I gave blood?
    Whose blood?
    Some guy’s.

    Hmm…I’m not sure we wanna pay for a dimension we’re not gonna use.


    Bender: You know, Fry…Of all the friends I’ve had, you’re the first.


    Space Above and Beyond:

    “With all due respect, Chaplain, I don’t think ‘our Maker’ wants to hear from me right now, because He knows I’m about to go out in His sky with this plane and remove one of His creations from His universe. And when I return, I’m gonna drink a bottle of Scotch as if it was Chiggy Von Richtoven’s blood, and celebrate his death.”

    “Guy? I am not your guy! I am not your Joe, I am not your damn drinking buddy, and I sure as hell am not a mark in a singles bar!”

    “There’ll be plenty of time to rest when I’m dead. ”

    —Lt. Col. McQueen (all 3)

    “Women and sex are like spaceflight mechanics. So women, like flight, are relative. It’s going to differ depending on your velocity and destination.”

    —Nathan West


    Fifth Element:

    Sir, are you classified as human?
    Uh, negative. I am a meat popsicle.

    Leeloo: …jella boom!
    Korben Dallas: Boom. Yeah! I understand boom.
    Leeloo: Bada boom.
    Korben Dallas: Big..yeah, big bada boom.
    Leeloo: Big! Bada big boom! Big! BOOM!
    Korben Dallas: Yeah! Big bada boom!
    Leeloo: Bada boom!
    Korben Dallas: Yeah-hahaha! Big boom! Big bada boom!

    (Alright, I just wanted to say “Bada Boom!” 🙂 )

    What was that? IT WAS BAD! It had nothing! NO FIRE! NO ENERGY! NO NOTHING! You know I have a show to run here, you know? Hmm? Hmmm? And it must pop, pop, POP! So tomorrow from five to seven, will you please act like you have more than a two word vocabulary?



    Well there’s just not enough Blake’s 7 quotes 😀

    (City at the Edge of the World)
    Vila: I’ll get you for this, Tarrant. I’ll tear your arm off and beat you to death with the wet end.

    Vila and Kerril after having *cough* spent some time together 😳 in an airtight room in City at the edge of the world.
    VILA: We’re still alive. Kerril. Kerril, we’re still alive! We should be dead by now.
    KERRIL: Are you bragging or complaining?
    VILA: The air’s as fresh as ever. Do you know what that means?
    KERRIL: We’re going to die of exhaustion.

    Avon: I am not expendable. I am not stupid. And I’m not going.

    VILA: So you see, Bek, this thing tapped into Orac’s channels, sucked up all his energy, so that it could come squirting out and swallow us all.
    AVON: The plain man’s guide to alien invasions.

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