Is there a word count limit here?

[Sidhecafe]

Hello, I’m new to this site, but finding your section here I had a couple questions. ie, subject of this message
And also is this just fan fiction or is it open to other scifi as well???

Thanks! Sidhecafe

[Anonymous]

HI, as far as I’m aware, there isn’t a limit to the size of article you post (I’m fine with you postring articles as large as you like). Personally, if you are submitting a story, I would submit a chapter at a time.

The forum for fan fiction is open to anyone and for any sci fi subject. It can be fanfiction or a sci fi story. Check out some of the posts in the forum, – although there is quite a bit of fanfic, there are also ather sci fi stories.

[Sidhecafe]

Thanks, yes I’ll definitely read some of the other stuff here first. But I’d love some feedback on a story I have a deadline for with my writing group. Problem is they aren’t scifi fans, so they don’t get some things that are just part of the gnere.

Thanks alot again, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Really looking forward to reading what you have! 😀 Will try my best at constructive feedback.

We could certainly do with some more fiction writers and reviewers posting here. 🙂

[Sidhecafe]

I’ll post it tonight. (at work now)

I’m totally nervous to do it.(creator’s curse of insecurity when it comes to baby”)

It’s easy to impress folks who aren’t scifi buffs, another thing all together to be at the mercy of real fans. However, I need criticism true to the genre, if I ever think anyone will read it.

I’ll post the beginning of the story…. and no preface it’ll just be it, in all it’s in-progress glory….

only side note due to a terrible French teacher in high school (when I started the thread of the story–15ish years ago)
The character named Mireille is pronounced Mir-e-il (not the correct fr. mir-ay) —I haven’t decided what to do about that yet….either change the spelling or do something else.
Thanks for the encouragement!!!! 🙂

[Anonymous]

Look forward to reading it Sid! The peeps on this site aren’t easily impressed but they are usually supportive and always supply some useful feedback.

[Sidhecafe]

One thing I’ll ask, is just for balanced criticism. If you hate it, try and relate something you did like, and if you like it, tell me something that doesn’t work. Ok? Phew…. this is the beginning of Chapter One: copyright me Hope the format’s ok to read. 🙂

Jack’s Problem

Jack sucked on his cigarette as if it would solve anything. Mireille was a problem. He didn’t lie well enough to himself to believe otherwise. She’s strong, tough and seemingly unafraid of everything. She could be cruel to her only friend Taft and to anybody who threatened Taft or stood in her own way. She held him, her father, in contempt.
As a sensitive man he was prepared for that, she was seventeen, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. An hour ago another parent had called to complain about his daughter.
“This is ludicrous, Chief of Security. You can’t keep my son safe from your own offspring! Or any one else on this damned colony!” Ms. Deluc had sneered at him.
She was right. Where had he been when Mireille beat Bart Deluc until he was bruised and bloodied? He was standing next to his mother when she called. Jack had seen the damage.
“Unfortunately Ms. Deluc, my force and I cannot be everywhere at once. However I deeply regret my daughter’s behavior and will see to it she is punished for this.”
“You’d better! That brat deserves to be shipped back to Earth! Let the DOWYS deal with her!”
“Ms. Deluc that is unnecessary. They are teenagers. Children aren’t anymore perfect than their parents. And we all make mistakes.”
“Are you accusing me of being a bad parent? I’ve informed the school of your daughter’s brutality. Headmaster Ledo will also be calling you. I think we’ve all had enough.”
Jack still sat in front of the snowy screen. Sucking in another drag of his local cigarette, he turned off his terminal. The headmaster of the school hadn’t called. Yet.
If Mireille is suspended again they will expel her.
Jack was at his wits end. He didn’t understand why Mireille always had to protect Taft. He was constantly stealing from older kids, Bart included apparently, was sharp with his tongue but never quick enough on his feet.
Mireille befriended him years ago and had vowed to be his protector. Maybe he just gave her an excuse to exercise her aggressions. Jack didn’t know.
She was so much like her mother, an unbound adolescent tidal wave version of Zael’s passions for her own work.
Jack Barton did not understand either of the women in his life. Perhaps Mireille was right in his anger towards him. He had missed something vitally important in their relationship. He missed it with Zael as well, or more appropriately mislaid.
He and his wife had not shared a bed in over a year, a meal in months. She spent all of her time sequestered in her laboratory. There she ate and slept while conducting her research. It was consuming her. She’d lost weight, was frequently unshowered when he did see her, and she’d picked up his habit for cigarettes.
Mireille spent a lot of her time in her mother’s rooms at the lab. She had to be ordered to visit Jack at what had been their family home. She wouldn’t go skimming the canals with him anymore. She preferred to go with Taft now.
Jack finished his cigarette and lit another.

Zael’s husband had no idea what her research entailed. He knew the goal, after eighteen years of marriage she couldn’t keep that from him. But he would never abide the extent to which her research infiltrated their lives, especially their daughter’s life.
In essence Mireille was her experiment, years of research, testing and constant observation. Zael’s work was to create a tougher, stronger human being to withstand the rigors of long-term off-world living. A human being whose mind was inured to human’s instinctive fears of space travel, exploration of deep space, new worlds and endurance to handle multiple ecosystems impact.
Her research began long before she met Jack Barton. She had developed varying formulas of an extract of cocaine. Using herself as a test subject to track results from different compositions. Her intent, once she had settled on a proportion that produce the desired effect, was to become pregnant and put herself on a daily treatment of the substance to manipulate the affect on her child. With persistent gene testing and mapping through out her pregnancy she carefully controlled the damaging side effects while tracking the influence of the drug in her daughter.
Mireille was a born addict. Zael was as well. She had met Jack at a fortuitous time in her research, she had come to Mars to pursue that goal with a syringe of frozen sperm she’d selected from a bank. But her access to a near perfect specimen whom she was quite attracted to seemed a better route scientifically and emotionally. The attraction waned, but the experiment was all that really mattered anyway.

Taft skidded to a halt just behind her own ride. In his helmet he looked much younger and afraid. Mireille nodded and they both stepped out of their skimmers to stand on the ledge. The bottom of the canal was 40 feet below and hidden by the encroaching darkness as the sun drew further away.
“Thanks Mir, but you’re gonna be in deep shit this time.”
“Maybe I should just hit you for getting me in to this.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time. You always blame me , but you’re the one who loses it. I saw your eyes…it’s always the same. You’re mental!”
He took a few steps out of her reach.
“You ungrateful little shit! Would you rather I just let them get you? It’s always the same with you. If I get sent to DOWYS you’re dead.”
“Well maybe you should lay off a bit. do you want to get shipped out of here. You’re mother would kill you. What’s she going to do?”
“Fuck off about my mom Taft.”
“Zael’s gonna freak.”
Two steps and she was in his face, “Leave that to me. I said fuck off.”
“And what’s Jack gonna do? He knows it’s my fault. Maybe they’ll can me too.”
“And you only worry about this after the fact. Maybe you should keep your nose clean. Quit stealing shit. You’re no good at it. I’m not gonna be here to back you up forever. I’ll get suspended for this. I hurt Bart.”
She kicked the rocks beneath her boots and looked down the canal where Taft had come from. Taft turned to look as well but there was nothing there.
“I need to go see my mom, she’s waiting for me. Jack should’ve checked there by now.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
“Yeah, she’ll be able to keep Jack off my back. Mr. Ledo’s gonna come after me for this. I don’t know what she can do about that.”
Taft nodded and looked at his skimmer, “Hey Mir? Thanks.”
He heard the cockpit of her skimmer open and close.

Zael swallowed sedatives.
“They will suspend her for this. More likely expel. Ms. Deluc wants her in DOWYS.”
“Ms. Deluc is a simple minded fool who can’t stand anything beyond her rose-tinted viewpoint,” Zael said between swallows of coffee, her hand shaking.
“You know Mir doesn’t pay any attention to me. You’ve got to do something about this! Talk to her, punish her. For godsakes Zael are you a mother at all or just her friend!?” Smoke from his cigarette followed him as he paced.
Zael said nothing, waiting for the pills to kick in. Right now she wanted to kill her husband and if she wasn’t so exhausted she might have tried it.
“If she’s expelled they can vote her off world,” Jack reminded her.
Zael put down her coffee mug and turned away from him. The sedatives were taking affect.
“What do you propose I do?”
“Will she do what you say?”
“I can’t stop her from protecting her friend.”
“Can you stop her from resorting to violence? Hell it’s only the new colonists who mess with her, test her out. But she’s out of control. You saw the video of the last one. Can’t you give her some Ritalin or something?”
“Ritalin? You’re suggesting I sedate our daughter. I won’t do that.”
“The school board may force us.”
“Maybe it’s time Mir leave school anyway. We can remove her before they expel her. I’ll school her here. I’m linked to Terranic’s library.”
“Zael have you looked in the mirror lately? You can’t take care of yourself. I don’t know if the school board will allow it.”
“You’re security chief Jack, can’t you do something? I need Mireille here with me. I know you don’t want to lose her either. This isn’t America.”
“I’ll call Ledo right now and tell him we’re taking her out. First I’ll call my boss, and tell him what we’re doing. Jared will probably think it’s a good idea.”
“Thank you.”
“Zael, do you think, maybe we could all have dinner together to talk about this.”
“With Jared and Ledo?”
“You, Mireille and I.”
“Yeah, sure. At the house?”
“Tonight at 20? Do you think she’ll show up by then?”
“I think so. Jack, I’ll teach her to be a scientist, she’ll help me with my work. We’re doing the right thing.”
“We can’t really do anything else, that’s the only reason I’m agreeing to this. That and it’ll be nice to have dinner with my family for a change.”
Zael went back to her coffee.

Zael was so intent on her breathing she didn’t know Mireille was standing there until she opened her eyes.
“Mireille.”
“Jack’s been here?” She put her EVA helmet on the table.
“Yes. We’re taking you out of school. We’re all having dinner tonight to discuss it.”
“You can do that? Dinner?!”
“Yes, your father is using some of his clout to get you home schooled instead.”
“And you’re letting him do that?”
“What else would you have me do? You are intent on ruining yourself. Why don’t you use the calming techniques I taught you?”
“They don’t matter, I never have time to use them. I just get angry and then everything goes away and I’m calm…you know. Mom do I have to learn from Jack, why can’t it be you?”
“I know what happens, but you need to learn some control. Someday you’ll run into someone stronger than you are, what then? We haven’t spent all this time, my efforts, to see you harmed.
Damnit Mireille, you could endanger everything I’ve worked for! No, this is the best thing. You’ll be here with me, I’m going to teach you to help me and yourself. This is the best thing.”
“You’ll teach me?”
“Of course, I wouldn’t leave your education to Jack….though he could teach you a thing or two about weapons.”
“He’s already taught me to shoot and I’m the best skimmer pilot in school.”
“Jack’s a good pilot.”
“One of the best, you said so.”
“Yes I did.”
“Mom, is this really going to work?”
“I think so. Jack thinks it’s the only way, otherwise the school board could vote you out of here. You know that.”
“Vote me off the colony?”
“Don’t get all innocence now, you’re the one whose been beating up boys bigger than you to a bloody pulp.”
Zael lit a cigarette and walked toward the windows, “It’s time you grew up Mireille. I’ll tell you what this is all about and you’re going to be my partner. How does that sound to you?”
“Jack’s not going to know everything?”
“This is serious. You need to agree to this or we’ll have to find something else to do with you.”
“I want to work with you. I already am grown up.”
“Not just yet kid. I’m going to hit the shower, put something nice on for dinner.”

[Fatguy]

I would have renamed the thread to the story or started a new thread with the title of the story. Get rid of the first paragraph as it does nothing to hook in the reader to the story. The second paragraph is fine as a start as it is interesting and instantly marks the story as sci-fi-ish. Try to keep the running dialogue to a minimum unless it is an important moment of the story, otherwise it will just put people to sleep. Sadgeezer has a program that edits profanity so you may want to be cleaver as to how you get around this – as your story contains a lot of it – personally I would disable this function as it is a bit juvenile; but hey…..thats me….. Nix the duplicate post – yes, I would also be hesitant as I would not know if both would disappear 🙄 , but I think you can – not now though as I have posted a reply (so ask a moderator of the forum to delete the post or reduce it to a smile face for something like that). My two cents worth…..

Maurice

[theFrey]

Is there a profanity lock? I have never noticed, but then I usually don’t type it out. (I swear in real life, but usually use stuff with asterixs in it on line. (like b*tch or “Sugar” instead of the other word.) Weird huh?

I would suggest a bit of identification and emotional over tone when doing long sections of naritive

You wrote>>>>”Zael have you looked in the mirror lately? You can’t take care of yourself. I don’t know if the school board will allow it.”
“You’re security chief Jack, can’t you do something? I need Mireille here with me. I know you don’t want to lose her either. This isn’t America.”
“I’ll call Ledo right now and tell him we’re taking her out. First I’ll call my boss, and tell him what we’re doing. Jared will probably think it’s a good idea.”
“Thank you.”
“Zael, do you think, maybe we could all have dinner together to talk about this.”
“With Jared and Ledo?”
“You, Mireille and I.”
“Yeah, sure. At the house?”
“Tonight at 20? Do you think she’ll show up by then?”

******
Unless I concentrated, I was loosing track of who was saying what… I shouldn’t have to keep track of the players in the conversation, and I think that a little emotional cueing would be helpful. Something like this perhaps? Also I think you need a space between statements when the characters change. It gives a visual clue that a change has occurred and makes it easier to read.

******

theFrey suggested >>> “Zael,” Jack said exasperated. “Have you looked in the mirror lately? You can’t take care of yourself. I don’t know if the school board will allow it.”

“You’re security chief Jack, can’t you do something? I need Mireille here with me. I know you don’t want to lose her either. This isn’t America.”

Jack sighed inwardly. “I’ll call Ledo right now and tell him we’re taking her out. First I’ll call my boss, and tell him what we’re doing. Jared will probably think it’s a good idea.”

“Thank you.”

“Zael, do you think, maybe we could all have dinner together to talk about this.”

She frowned, “With Jared and Ledo?”

“No, you, Mireille and I.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Sure. At the house?”

“Tonight at 20?” Jared asked as he prepared to leave on a good note for a change. “Do you think she’ll show up by then?”

**************

Anyhow, that is what I think. I am not much of a writer, and I failed the subject several times in high school, so please feel free to disregard my post. 😉

[Anonymous]

First off, I like the story. You show a sensitivity to your characters, and you have a great idea for a plot (and subplots). While I think some areas could use some work, the most important thing is there: a good idea.

I’m not keen on the quantity of running dialogue. My first serious critical thought was that the story would be better if you minimised that. I like writing plays the most, and so write lots of dialogue, but in this story’s format it gets a bit confusing… maybe if you changed the formatting? The last paragraphs are a little bit confusing as to who is saying what, and I would include more descriptions of their actions (and surroundings). Be descriptive.

In the first few paragraphs (of the story) you want to set the scene and situation up (and you want to hook the readers); I feel you’ve done a good job at that, especially in introducing key characters… but you did lose me a bit with the very dialogue heavy paragraphs (the final ones) — there might be better, more succinct ways to move the plot forward (actions speak louder than words, ‘course a story is words ;)…).

One thing about formatting here: I would make the paragraphs shorter, and seperate all paragraphs with spaces. You’ve seperated some sections with spaces.

It’s more difficult to read a large block of text, and especially when people are first getting into a story you want to make it as easy on them as possible (paragraph indentation doesn’t really work at the board…).

With dialogue, it’s best to give each character a clear and distinctive voice. After a while, one should recognise each character by what they say.

So, after my minor quibbles, what I really like is that there’s real conflict between the characters. Conflict is very important, the root of drama.

Conflict, much as we may dislike it in our own lives, is what makes things interesting … and your characters have real challenges to overcome (how boring life would be without challenges). Inner conflict is what makes a three-dimensional character, and I think you characters are quite well drawn out.

I love the initial paragrahs of your story; the situation you’ve set up, and the isuues you’re dealing with. Drugs, addiction, and genetic manipulation (can see why that genetic engineering site I linked to interested you); it’s cool, and potentially very profound, the way you’ve tied those together.

So good work; very promising! 😀

By the way, if you have a plot summary written, I’d like to see it. It’s difficult to evaluate something based on just a bit of it.

Will say more useful stuff later, am typing on a laptop which I find difficult.

[Sidhecafe]

Well, thank you! Thank you! Those are some really great comments and feedback! I really appreciate it. Everyone made some very good points. ❗

Obviously I need to work on the formating for posting, on paper it’s easier to follow. And I will definately will take into consideration how a few of you want less dialogue, more description. (I’m easily seduced by conversation) 🙂

I’ll post more of the story when I get the chance!

Thanks again, that wasn’t as painful as I thought! 😉

PS – It doesn’t bother me at all about the profanity being bleeped, it’s contextual enough to understand.

PSS- Last night I got a rejection letter from The Black Gate mag, for a fantasy/modern fable, which although he didn’t accepted it, the editor wrote to say it was “well crafted and entertaining”

So thanks again, between your comments and last night’s letter this has been a great deal of encouragement. 😀

[theFrey]

Well I found that no matter how I had it formated in my word processor, I had to go through and fix it here…. weird huh? And tedious too. But greatly improves the readibility.

[Author]

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