My Time Machine.

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  • #39471
    Fatguy
    Participant

    “I should say right from the start that this will not be your typical story. It is not really a romance, nor is it in anyway a story of adventure – rather, it is the tale of what the mind can do to a perfectly normal person and how one’s mind can be one’s greatest enemy.”

    That is me twenty years ago. The actually words and not an old man’s recollection; because you see, I have a time machine. I made my time machine in 1984 when I was just out of university and had time on my hands – my first book. I am now a middle-aged man of 43 and I have decided to go back to this book and see what time will do to all of us, unchanged by faulty recollections and nostalgia.

    In my experiment, I intend to show – side by side – the actual quotes of myself as a young man and as a middle-aged man, not the present self – as that would be cheating – but myself up to the point of this story. There are no set questions to look at as that would be cheating; my time machine is real and it shows only what is there to show….. So follow me in my quest to the heart of what makes us what we become.

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    Young Guy: “boredom is rather good for you. It makes you think. I have come to accept one understanding that acceptance and understanding are the real keys to mental stability. When I think back, I can see denial of these two entities made life unhappy for me and others in contact with me.”

    Old Guy: “I constantly hope and pray I will wake up mentally ill…..but it never happens. I may have said this before, but the mentally ill usually think very highly of me.”

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    Both of these guys are out to lunch…..I still do not know the answers to my mental state of mind…..

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    Young Guy: “It is amazing how two months of constant reading can speed up your comprehension. I have also taken to working on some other projects that have been tickling me for some time. I have since found out that this is pure joy. Trying to find the answer to the question nobody understands gives me a refreshing touch of pride and superiority. Brain storming, problem solving all headed to ultimate orgasm, happiness. The clarity, the sense of having your senses filled with chlorine, a new level of being.”

    Old Guy: “I seem to live life in the grey zone without the highs and lows other people seem to have…..Actually; I now dream of going to work behind a desk instead of sweating like a pig every day….. One dream is going to a job wearing a suit and getting paid for it; but that will never happen. My present worry is of my left knee giving out and not being able to work lifting the heavy boxes…..what to do (I actually worry about this).”

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    What the hell happened? This is something I really need to resolve before this tale is told.

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    Young Guy: “For about the first few months, Janice and I were just teacher-student relationship, but that sort of changed to friendship. I’d find myself talking to her during office hours, talking over coffee about things in general. I never met anyone like her, there was nothing sensual about it, it was just so different to discuss anything with a person of real intelligence. She was the person that took me into her office to discuss just what I’m going to do about myself. She said I was so pessimistic and “indirect” or confused in my objectives. She told me I had to think about sustaining myself. It’s odd to have a person take interest in you that way. I told her all my fantasies and problems and she said that as I get older, looks will mean less and the mental strengths that I cultivated, would make me a very unique and important (or was it independent (?)) person. I suppose that is true, but it’s hell when you are growing up.”

    Also – “”You know”, he said; “I used to know a guy like you – skipped grades, etc. – Quite intelligent, didn’t get very far, no job or good social life, I don’t even know if he’s still alive.” Of course I told him that I wasn’t in any such situation (who was i trying to kid). He went on: “We always seem to think that the teen age years are the best of our lives, but the truth is it can be hell.” He then asked me what I was going to do with my life: “I don’t know…I’ve been thinking of going back to school. Maybe take anthropology or philosophy.” He was really interested in the anthropology and we talked about the aborigines and infantilism among the Bushmen. But I made it clear that it would probably be in the direction of philosophy.
    “I think you should go back to school. Your intelligent; but I’m not sure if your Phd material.” The guy said it with a casualness that was a bit frightening since it appeared truthful (as if it was a subconscious thought). In any case, I told him that I might surprise him…..Old Metcalf smiled – what a nice guy. Well, it was getting time to go. “I like your hairstyle.” He meant the afro (he taught me in my “Uncle Tom” days). I made some crack about the afro adding to my overall dominant appearance…..We shook hands (and I think we both felt that it was kind of a corny gesture) and I was gone.”

    Old Guy: “Hello my fellow Sadgeezers; my name is Maurice – just a common ordinary guy who drives a delivery truck for a living.”

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    Ok, that is enough…..you get the drift….. So what can we learn form my personal time machine?

    One thing is how accurate the concerns and forecasts of older folk on the young can be. These two people hit it right on the head (of course I valued their opinion and they were very intelligent and at the “cutting edge” of their prospective fields).

    Most importantly, is how I perceived myself back then. I have stated recently that those were my glory days. That I was at the height of my powers and felt inferior to no one. However, when I read my book earlier today…..I was shocked at the juvenile writing and lack of analysis. I really believe that I could be competitive if not better at most of the academic skills I had back then. Of course; the most important part was telling the tale of a confused young man trying to find answers, and how he attempted to solve them. However…..I still have to ask what makes me yearn for what I had in those days…..what was it?

    What was it? I know now – it is the creative ability I had as a young man. I used to feel that I really mattered, that I could make it big, get my name in the journals, be respected….. I still had a future….. I was always just one step away from something…..always uncertainty about the future – I was alive!

    I work at being “comfortable” these days….. My creative abilities are no more. The thoughts of being a “Man Of The World” are no longer my fantasies. I have given up on change; change at my age is scary…..

    Life was “hell” back then because the choices I made were important, and had major impact on the rest of my life. My future was open before me with endless possibilities and the abilities to try to make them come true. I have fewer choices now and life is quite “peaceful”; but i am quickly becoming someone that no longer matters….. An elderly gentleman once told me about himself: “Good for nothing!”; rather harsh…..but my time machine does not extend into the future.

    ————————The End—————————-

    Maurice

    #68313
    Fatguy
    Participant

    I tried to stay true to the concept of only using quotes for the non-current content, so the story will never be as “polished” as it could have been. Also – apart from spelling and grammatical errors that I may find and fix – it is what it is, and I will archive it as such. This was never intended to be a “work of art”. Not every story has a happy ending or completion…..

    Maurice

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