SciFi Channel Changes Slogan

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  • #35843
    SadGeezer
    Keymaster

    (just a note, I thought this was humourous, even if it’s completely false and obnoxious. Found at: [url=http://www.hpoo.com/harris/scifichannel.html)]http://www.hpoo.com/harris/scifichannel.html)[/url]

    “SCI FI Channel Changes Slogan to ‘Where Bad TV and Movies Go To Die'”
    by Edgar Harris
    Originally published in Revolution SF (September 2001)

    New York – The SCI FI Channel, once one of the jewels next to the crown jewel in the vast USA Networks empire, is in much better straits than before its purchase by USA in 1996. The Channel now appears in 4 percent of US markets, its Web site is updated more than once every three months, the percentage of staffers living with their parents has dropped through the floor, and it offers two whole nights of original programming after nearly a decade of broadcasting. However, the Channel has had its problems. Its house magazine, SCI FI, recently ceased publication, The TNN channel now draws off valuable ratings points with its constant repeats of the Star Trek movies (and the impending incessant repeats of the three recent Star Trek franchises), and the number of reruns of Crossing Over With John Edward threatens the current record for number of hours in a row taken by one program (the current record is 17 days, 7 hours with Road Rules on MTV). While the current tech crash has liberated many of its most dedicated viewers for more Lexx marathons on Sunday nights, those same viewers no longer have the money to buy action figures and other paraphernalia from the Scifi.com catalog. Most importantly, the Channel has been seeking further direction. Should it continue to cultivate its current crop of viewers, or should it reach out to new patrons otherwise attracted to reruns of Red Dwarf on BBC America?

    To this end, USA management has spent the last six months planning a new promotion campaign for the Channel, promising to accent the Channel’s core strengths. After considerable deliberation, management settled for its current slogan, “Where Bad Television and Movies Go To Die”.

    “It was truth in advertising,” said USA representative Lucas Trask. “The Channel’s original slogan, ‘Ever Wonder?’, was dumped when everyone in the television industry kept joking about ‘Ever Wonder why anyone would want to watch Battlestar Galactica reruns and Sci-Fi Vortex?’ Because of this, we haven’t had a tagline since then, but we weren’t getting the brand recognition we were expecting. Then it was ‘The Best of the World of SCI FI’, but the FCC considered that fraudulent advertising, so we went with the reality of the situation. I don’t like it, either, but they threatened us with the sulfur pits of Hell if we lied, and I’m allergic to smoke.”

    While the choice bothered many in the USA hierarchy, the FCC decision was appropriate considering the number of original TV series that migrate to the SCI FI Channel every year from other venues. Besides the obvious number of old television programs from the Seventies and Eighties that run in the “SCI FI Land” morning-to-afternoon timeslot, thus allowing the tens of people who missed the original broadcasts of Prey, Probe, and Space: Above and Beyond an opportunity to catch up, the Channel is notorious for receiving shows originating on other networks just before final termination. “The main reason why the Channel has such a bad rep is that it picks up shows whose ratings have dropped to the point where only diehard science fiction fans would bother to hunt them down,” said renowned media critic Alejandro Riera. “Mystery Science Theater 3000 had lived long past its lifespan by the time SCI FI picked it up, and you have to wonder at how much ketamine they were smoking to want to take on Good vs. Evil, Sliders, and The Outer Limits. The only thing crazier than picking up Showtime’s sloppy seconds with Stargate SG-1 and The Outer Limits was paying actual money for the broadcast rights for Battlefield Earth, Wing Commander, and Free Enterprise, but even Stargate SG-1 is better than some of the direct-to-cable movies they’ve been running lately.”

    Another reason why the new slogan was implemented was because of the Channel’s continuing focus. “We kept making noises about ‘being the best of sci-fi’,” said Trask, “but it’s not like we particularly give a damn about science fiction literature. Goddamn writers and editors kept asking when we were going to give them decent credit for their contributions, and everyone kept asking when we were going to bring Harlan Ellison back to do his rants for Sci-Fi Buzz. Well, we aren’t, you understand? Sci-Fi Buzz is dead, and we aren’t going to do any news shows, because nobody cares, okay? If you don’t like watching old TV shows and bad movies, tough ta-ta, understand?”

    Although fans may be insulted or angered by the honesty of the Channel’s representatives, the announcement was treated well by cable operators. “We weren’t interested in carrying SCI FI because even their best shows did worse in the ratings than That’s My Bush! on Comedy Central, and we lost our shirts on advertising that piece of crap,” said Elissa Gontero, general manager of TSOL Cable Systems, the largest cable provider in rural Pennsylvania. “But now that they’re letting everyone know that they have no delusions of making any improvements, so we can tie them to TVLand and run with it. You know, “Come for My Mother the Car, stay for Earth 2. We’ll make a fortune. Well, maybe not a fortune, but we’ll at least make back the cost of the billboards we put out by Smitty’s place on FM 203.”

    The new slogan will appear first during the beginning of the new season, starting February 30, and will be used on all official letterhead and official correspondence. Representatives of the FoxFamily Channel, which announced its own new slogan of “All Crap, All The Time” on the same day, could not be reached for comment.

    –Edgar Harris is the former Sports Editor for Science Fiction Age

    #43198
    Anonymous
    Guest

    (*snort* One more, just one more! Found at: [url=http://www.hpoo.com/harris/lexx.html]http://www.hpoo.com/harris/lexx.html[/url]

    Remember, you can’t believe everything you read)

    “Canada Makes Formal UN Apology for Lexx”
    by Edgar Harris
    Previously unpublished

    Ottawa – For years, Canada was known as an inexpensive place to make science fiction, fantasy, and horror television series for cable and general syndication. Many of these productions, though, were for series that never would have received development money in the US, and “made in Canada” quickly received the same derision in the entertainment industry as “made in Indonesia” did in the sports shoe industry. This week, Canada’s Parliament took matters into its own hands and formally apologized to all members of the planet for the SCI FI Channel series Lexx.

    In an emotional address to the entire country, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien formally took responsibility for the terrible SF television coming from his country. “We’re sorry for War of the Worlds. We’re sorry for Friday the 13th. We’re sorry for Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda. We’re even sorry for The Starlost, even though it would have been great if the production crew had left Harlan Ellison alone. But most of all, we are very, very, VERY sorry for Lexx, and we are taking steps to make sure that geek porn like this never happens again.”

    Executives at Salter Street Films, production company for the series, were last seen being chased down by professional baby harp seal clubbers from Newfoundland, and the few survivors formally recanted their folly. “We got greedy, is all,” one Salter Street executive said before being tarred, feathered, and dragged behind a pickup truck. “We had 22 Minutes and Made In Canada going for us, but we thought that we could take the money from the SCI FI Channel and run with it. We were going to make amends, but it’s too late now.”

    Shortly after Chrétien’s impassioned apology, he addressed a special United Nations session to open Canadian film vaults and video transfer rooms to UN inspectors. “We know now that if Lexx were shown to enemy troops during a wartime situation, it would qualify as a war crime under the Geneva Convention. Our fervent hope is that independent inspectors can prevent horrors like these and War of the Worlds from ever darkening the planet.”

    As could be expected, some Canadians resisted the unilateral surrender. Velvet Delorey, a former systems analyst in Toronto and current leader of the SOYB (standing for “Sod Off, Yeh Bollocks”, the Anglo Canadian equivalent of “May the Lord be with you”), a militant group dedicated to jump-starting Canada’s native entertainment industry, is getting particularly forceful. “The Americans kept shoving lousy TV shows and movies at us, and we were supposed to just sit back and watch Independence Day and Space Rangers. Then they buy up lousy Canadian productions, and then blame us because it stinks up their cable boxes. Well, too bad: David Cronenberg isn’t the only decent filmmaker in the country.” Spurred by general anti-US sentiment in all of Canada’s provinces, Delorey’s plan is to make a science fiction TV series so powerful that it clears through the Emmy Awards, particularly the non-technical awards.

    However, Canada may find itself in the same situation as New Zealand did in the early Eighties. Inspired by the success of the Australian Mad Max, the country poured millions of dollars into its own attempt to corner the post-apocalyptic road film. The release of Battletruck (released in the US as Warlords of the 21st Century and everywhere else under the original working title, Mildly Irate Ian) started a lightning war between the two countries, going nuclear in a matter of days. To this day, vast portions of New Zealand have no human life other than a few sheepherders, and the final days of the war were so terrible that the entire nation suffers from a nearly universal memory block. Indeed, only one out of every million New Zealanders even remembers hearing about the “Mad Max War”, much less fighting in it.

    In related news, the SCI FI Channel announced that the production studios for Lexx were moving to the Studios at Las Colinas outside of Dallas, Texas. When asked, a spokesperson for the Channel said “Walker, Texas Ranger and Barney and Friends were just cancelled, and those two shows comprise all of Dallas’ television work, so they said they were willing to work cheap. And we like cheap.”

    -Edgar Harris is the former Sports Editor for Science Fiction Age.

    #43199
    Flamegrape
    Participant

    quote:


    Originally posted by :
    “But most of all, we are very, very, VERY sorry for Lexx, and we are taking steps to make sure that geek porn like this never happens again.”


    GEEK PORN?!?
    [img]http://www.flamegrape.com/lexx/xevfacial.gif[/img]
    RIGHT ON, DUDE!!!

    That reminds me. I need to finish my
    [url=http://www.flamegrape.com/tina/index.htm]Tina Fanpage/Archive/Shrine[/url]!
    [img]images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

    #43200
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hilarious, and not entirely off the mark. for a complete list of this person’s musings, visit
    [url=http://www.hpoo.com/harris/]http://www.hpoo.com/harris/[/url]

    the h do poo (see url)

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