‘Time-traveler’ Busted For Insider Trading

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    I know this is probably cr@p, but maybe it is science fact?


    Wednesday March 19, 2003


    NEW YORK — Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges — and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

    Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

    “We don’t believe this guy’s story — he’s either a lunatic or a pathological liar,” says an SEC insider.

    “But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks’ time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can’t be pure luck.

    “The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He’s going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources.”

    The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

    “If a company’s stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance,” says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

    When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

    Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

    “It was just too tempting to resist,” Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. “I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn’t look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment.”

    In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge “historical facts” such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

    All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his “time craft.”

    However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could “fall into the wrong hands.”

    Officials are quite confident the “time-traveler’s” claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, “No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002.”

    Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


    It’s a fake story, but an incredible one at that =) World Weekly News is a fictional tabloid. It’s on the same level of credibility as their other stories(these are really their news stories)

    Roswell Black Box reveals Alien craft shot down, not crash landed.
    First Interview with a Talking Fish!
    Flying Cars will cure Gridlock

    I say we let em go, and follow em to his Time Craft. At least we know humans are still around 300 years from now! Who knows, there’s usually some truth to every great yarn =)

    Good to see stories like this, we need more!!

    A -DM

    Methinks, he’s been watching too much Timecop, in that film one of Jean Claude Van Damme’s partners breaks the law and goes back in time to play the stock exchange to aquire a fortune.
    But if it is serious that no evidence of him existing before Dec 2002 exists, then it does make you wonder, but then he could quite simply being using a false name.


    Have to agree with you there, it’s probably crap, but how cool if it wasn’t?! Did it mention if the guy had any ID in the name he’s using, and if he has any vaccination scars? Sadly, though, the AIDS vaccine thing probably proves he’s a fake. I mean, if someone was going to travel back to this time period, it seems to me perfectly plausible they would do a bit of minimum research on it and round about it, so he could concievably know the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, but the AIDS vaccine?! Gimme a break! If you went back to the mid 19th century, would you be able to offer them the secret of all current vaccines? Including manufacturing and storing them? Not bloody likely! And if you were someone, a doctor etc, are you likely to be so poor you’d be enough of a scaff to go back in time and cheap the entire time period?

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