Tips to Survive Thanksgiving!

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    Please feel free to add what bits of wisdom you have for this topic.

    1. Carry no weapons, at least for one day. Even if you firmly believe the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms, leave them in the safe at home this time. No firearms, much lower death rate. Lower death rate = good.

    2. Limit your drinking. I know, three quick drinks followed by a 1.5 liter bottle of Cabernet was your stress-reduction plan. But there are serious downsides. First, if you get hammered you are likely to pop off at the worst possible moment. Bad. Second, you are less likely to notice and be able to ward off the (probably deserved) attack on your person that results from your aforementioned popping off. In other words, if you’re trashed, you can’t dodge the fireplace poker screaming towards your face. Worse. Third, you have to be sober enough to execute step #3.

    3. Sleep Elsewhere. Even if you’re broke and mom will be bitterly disappoined if you don’t stay on her couch for the night, spring for a room at a motel and leave at an appropriate time after dinner. If you’re trashed (see #2), you shouldn’t drive. So, stay sober, and when belligerent uncle Don starts in on his fifth whiskey, say goodnight.

    4. Have an Escape Plan. Say, like me, you have a bigoted brother who is sure to mouth off about the gays or blacks or whatever. You know it’s possible that he’s going to say or do something that makes you really, really mad at some point during the evening. If it comes, you have to have a place to go to get away. If there is a place where you can go for a walk, do it. Keep your coat someplace handy and, preferably, near a door. If you can’t go someplace in the house or out for a walk, get into the car and, if necessary, execute step #3 early. It’s better to have people wondering what the hell happened to you rather than you knocking the offending family member unconscious. Trust me on this one.

    These are just a few tips that just might get you through the next 24 hours without cuts, bruises or any additions to your (already-impressive) arrest record. And, Happy Thanksgiving!

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