Women and the Truth – not necessarily a joke!

[Sidhecafe]

> >One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river, her
> >thimble fell into the river. When she cried out,
the Lord appeared and
> >asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
> >
> >The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen
into the water and
that
> >she needed it to help her husband in making a liv!
ing for their family.
> >
> >The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled
up a golden thimble
set
> >with pearls. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord
asked.
> >
> >The seamstress replied, “No.”
> >
> >The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
silver thimble ringed
> >with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord
asked.
> >
> >Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”
> >
> >The Lord reached down again and came up with a
leather thimble. “Is this
> >your thimble?” the Lord asked.
> >
> >The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased
with the woman’s
> >honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep,
and the seamstress went
> >home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was
walking with her husband
> >alon! g the riverbank, and her husband fell into
the river and
disappeared
> >u nder the water.
> >
> >When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked her, “Why are you
> >crying?”
> >
> >”Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
> >
> >The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Mel Gibson. “Is this
> >your husband?” the Lord asked.
> >
> >”Yes,” cried the seamstress.
> >
> >The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an
untruth!”
> >
> >The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a
misunderstanding.
> >You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you
would have come up with
Tom
> >Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have
come! up with my
> >husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have
given me all three.
Lord,
> >I’m not in the best of health and would not be able
to take care of all
> >three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to Mel
Gibson.”
> >
> >MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and
honorable reason, and
in
> >the best interest of others. That’s our story, and
we’re sticking to it.
> >

[theFrey]

Too Cute.

I got this one today. And while I normally don’t pass them on, I just had to with this one. 😀

The Facts:

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s
it….don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain…Good

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!!
It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember,

’Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – strawberries in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – WOO HOO! What a Ride!

[Author]

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