Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Cultures: Vogons

Green men – Big, ugly, nasty green men.

Schematic of a Vogon constructor ship – useful huh?

If you were to meet a Vogon in the pub, he/she/it would probably be the bouncer! (doorman).  You would probably have been unceremoniously thrown out (without prejudice) for calling it a ‘leather ass!’

Vogons are one of the most unpleasant, ugly, artistically incompetent and nauseatingly priggish races in the universe. They aren’t actually evil as such, but if you ever wanted to get a lift from one, for instance, FORGET IT!

They are also apparently bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous – “they wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.”

Prostactic Vogon Jeltz- a particularly good  specimen of a bad race! .

If you noticed a Vogon politely pissing on you while you were on fire, you might consider it an act of selfless compassion.

The Vogons destroyed Earth to make way for an bypass (a road) through the western arm of the Galaxy.  Earth was actually scheduled for demolition so it wasn’t really the Vogons fault, nevertheless, they blasted our lovely planet without even a second thought, so they are still baddies in my book!

“The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your fingers down his throat, and the best way to annoy one is to feed his grandmother to the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal.”

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Race Rating – The Vogons
Personality 1 (rancid butter) – 5 (cool dude) 2
Attractiveness 1 (requires paper bag) – 5 (Drop-dead-gorgeous) 1
Humour 1 (stomach-turning) – 5 (sidesplitting) 1
Dress Sense 1 (laughable) – 5 (hip) 2
Aggression 1 (big/little softy) – 5 (hard as nails) 3
Social Standing 1 (scumbag) – 5 (god) 2

Sad Geezer Race Rating   (out of 30)  =  11            

The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy reviews are © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.  Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

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