Tripping the Rift: People: Malak

Malak is the Michael Jordan of Mutilation Ball, complete with the number 23 on his jersey. Malak looks a lot like Dennis Rodman only without all the tattoos. He even likes to have pictures taken of him in the nude to show off his body, just like the flamboyant star. Malak likes to throw parties so loud it annoys his rich neighbors, just like Allen Iverson.

If you were to meet Malak in a bar, it’d be quite a sight to see. Because he’s kinda dead! But if you saw him while he was alive post-retirement he’d be best buddies with Jack Daniels. His entourage would be drinkin’ 40’s of OE. Malak would be hitting on all the ladies. He’d pick up a few too.

Malak played for the Confederation Cougars. He was basically the whole team, since after he retired with a phenomenal record, his team quickly tanked. After his retirement they could never beat the Dark Clowns, and that’s why the Confederates tapped him once again to play.

Or they would have if he didn’t degrade into an overweight lush. Instead they built a Malak android to play for them. The confederacy blackmailed Chode et al to “kidnap” the robot and take him to the game to play. Meanwhile the Confederates bet the house on their team, knowing that they’d beat the 181 million to 1 odds. The Free Enterprise crew recovered the Malak bot only to later screw it to death!

The crew then went to the real Malak’s homeworld of Snortaline, and kidnapped the overweight Malak. Chode drugged him up, put him in a corset and beamed him down to the game ready to kick some clown ass. The crowd went wild upon Malak’s return. It was short lived though, because the impatient Chode gave Malak so much adrenaline that Malak’s heart exploded out of his chest in the first minute of the game. His body parts were torn from is dead corpse and later sold on eBay for millions!

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Tripping the Rift reviews are © 2005 Ryan Bechtel.
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Tripping the Rift names, characters and everything else associated with the series are the property of Chris Moeller, Chuck Austen Film Roman, CineGroup, and the Sci Fi Channel.