Jokers: Jokes About Things: Animal Jokes


Animal Jokes

TWO COWS

Two cows stood in a field
1st cow says MOOO
2nd cow replies BAAA
1st cow your not supposed to say that.
2nd I’m learning a foreign language.

Submitted by  Susan Hargreaves


WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?

It is reported that the following chapter from the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light o­n the question above.

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.” And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”   And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.” And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no o­ne has taught him humility.”  And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was the NOT the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was
greatly improved.

And Cat did not care o­ne way or the other…….

submitted by Amber Floyd

This New Zealand farmer buys several pigs, (he’s bored of sheep see) hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that they should try artificial insemination. Being NZ farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, o­nly asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself (like his mates with the sheep). So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all,brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. 

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still just standing around. o­ne more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and o­ne of them’s honking the horn”.

submitted by Glen Burrows

Q Why does an elephant have four feet?
A Because it wouldn’t work with 6 inches.

 

Q Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

 

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, “Help me, help me.”

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, “Anything! Anything!” So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.

Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree o­n top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: “Ouch!”

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: “Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!”

 

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

“Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.”

“Don’t cry, little o­ne.”, replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn’t do, but if he saw the wizard, he’d fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch o­nce more took to the skies, and o­nce again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew o­nly to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.

“Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.”

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So o­nce again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn’t do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. “I don’t know where the wizard is”, he sobbed.

“Oh that’s easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad”, said the good witch.

 

Three scientists were o­ne day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks o­nce a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

“What the %$*& is so funny?” asked o­ne of the scientist.

“You should have seen the monkey’s face trying to get the cork back in!!!”

 

Q. What has two legs and bleeds ?    
A. Half a Dog !!

submitted by Kev Greenhalgh

 

Q What do elephants use for tampons?
A Sheep

 

Q What does the shepherd’s wife use for tampons?
A The shepherd

 

A male and a female whale are in the ocean when they see a big ocean liner.

The male whale recognized this as the boat that killed his father,and decides to avenge his fathers death. He says to the female whale, “Lets swim underneath the boat and blow water through the holes o­n our backs and tip the boat over”

The female agrees and they do so, the boat tipping over.

But to his dispair, the male sees the people all swimming to shore, and being saved in lifeboats, so he says to the female,

“lets gobble them all up before they reach the shore.”

But the female replies angrily. “No way, I agreed to the blow job but there’s NO WAY i’m swallowing seamen.”

 

The Giant Panda

So this Giant Panda is sitting in a restaurant, and when he finishes,
the waiter brings him the bill.

“I’m not paying THIS!” growls the panda, he reaches into his fur, pulls out
a pistol, and starts firing wildly into the restaurant.

Then before he can amble out of the door, the restaurant’s owner blocks
his way shouting “Who do you think you are? Not o­nly did you shoot up my
restaurant, but you’re trying to run out without paying your bill!”

The Panda grabs the owner by his collar and says menacingly “Look. I’m a
Panda. That’s what I do. If you don’t believe me, just look it up”!

Regaining consciousness after being thrown to the floor by the departing
panda, the owner ordered his staff to begin sweeping up the broken glass,
rose to his feet and went back to his office. He picked up a dictionary
and checked the listing for panda…

PANDA (n) pan-da: Large marsupial native to southern China. Eats
chutes….. and leaves.

 

Why did the man cross the road?
He was sick of waiting for the bloody woman.

 

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod o­n the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him – I was just trying to trip him up.”

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