Jokers: Jokes About Things: Nationality Jokes

Nationality Jokes

A joke submitted by a Frenchgirl who played a half naked hysterical English woman in French play and who felt like evening the score   🙂

Q.  What do the the French call an I.Q of 130?
A.  An English town!

Submitted by the very sweet Sandra (yes I know, an Englih name but she IS French).

What’s the difference between a Scottish farmer and an angel?

The angel says “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!”
The farmer says “Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

 

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says – “When I’ve a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”

The Frenchman replies – “Zat is nossing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Aussie says – “That’s nothing, when I’ve finished shaggin me Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean o­n the curtains. She hits the fuckin roof !!!”

 

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks o­n the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”

The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in o­n o­ne condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be o­n my way tommorrow morning.”

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.”

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had o­nly been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had o­nly seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight o­n his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock o­n his chest. o­n the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock o­n your chest”.

“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. o­n the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle”.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost”.

 

Q. Why did the Irish women burn her ear.
A.  She was ironing when the phone rang.

Submitted by the lovely Kerry
That has to be the worst joke I’ve ever heard! Might be because I’m part Irish.

 

GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS

Indicators:  Die blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet: Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
Exhaust: Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer: Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Puncture: Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner: Die Twatten mit Elplatz
Estate Car: Der bagzerroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking Meter: Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwerr
Windscreen Wiper: Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
Power Brakes: Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear Leaver: Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Fuel Gauge: Der Walletemptyungmeter
Double White Lines: Overtakink und Krunchen
Breathalyser: Der Puffitintern fur Pistenarsen
Seat Belt: Der Klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights: Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
Exhaust Fumes: Der Koffundschpittpolter
Highway Code: Der Wipen fur Arsen
Fog warning: Die Puttenklogdownen und Fukkit
Traffic Jam: Die Bluddifuffink Dammundblast
Rear Seat: Der Schpringentester
Tyres: Flatfahrts
Backfire: Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
Juggernaut: Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident Das Bleedinkmess
Near Accident: Der Phewen Near Schittenselfen
Garage: Der Helway Robberung
Cyclist: Der Podallpushlink Pilloken
Skid: Der Banannen Waltzen

Submitted by Glen Burrows
 

At a breakfast table, there were a British couple, an American couple and an Australian couple.

The British husband, who liked to use puns, said to his wife, “Can you pass the honey, Honey?”

Not wanting to lose out, the American husband turned and said to his wife,”Do you mind passing the sugar, Sugar?”

The Australian husband did not want to lose out either but he could not think how else he could emulate the other 2 husbands…. Finally, he spoke to his wife, “Pass me the bacon, you Pig!!”

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