Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E05: The Devil and a Guy Named Webster
Bob Opening Line- You’re not the boss of me!
Announcer- Next up, watch as Joe Bachelor finally picks his bachelorette and makes his startling confession.
Gus- Oh, please! These shows are insipid. They’re all staged! None of this is real!
Chode- Shh-shh! Here it comes.
Gus- Hmm! Hee hee!
Joe- Maureen, I got a confession to make. I’m not a billionaire. I’m actually a dog shampooer and I’m dumb as a box of rocks.
Maureen- That’s ok, joe. See, I’ve got a confession of my own. I’m not really a woman.
Whip- She’s got a wiener!
Six- I never saw it coming.
Bob- Neither did he.
Gus- I don’t see what the big deal is. There’s dozens of websites with chicks with di– or so I’ve heard.
[ Buzz ] Chode- What the–? Bob, what’s happening?
Bob- I’m checking, Captain. Hold on. Oh man, this sucks. This really sucks.
Chode- What’s going on?
Bob- I guess when we were watching the tv show I kind of took my eyes off the wheel.
Chode – Oh! Could somebody please tell me why captain’s chairs on space ships don’t have seat belts! What the hell is that about? What’s with the alarms? Where the hell are we?
Bob- Way off course, sir. We’re heading into a collapsing black hole.
[ All scream ] Chode- Reverse thrusters, Bob! Pull us out!
Bob- I can’t. We’re fast approaching the event horizon. We’re past the point of no return. According to my manual, this is where…
T’Nuk- …we bend over and kiss our ass goodbye!
Gus- Can we survive the gravitational tides?
Six- Not unless you’re an atom.
Bob- Sorry, there’s no way out. It’s been nice workin’ with ya’.
Whip- You mean we’re all gonna die? This blows! I’m still a virgin!
[ All gasp ] Gus- Wonderful. Now we’ll be known throughout the galaxy as the crew who died to watch joe bachelor.
Chode- This is it, Six. I’m not a coward but I don’t want to die! I’d give anything to make all this go away!
Devil- From your lips to my ears!
Chode- Who are you?
Devil- I go by many names… Mephistopheles, the prince of darkness, Barry.
Devil- Most people refer to me as the devil.
Bob- Thirty seconds to being crushed like a fuckin’ walnut, captain.
Devil- Sign here and your problems are over.
Devil- tick-tock, tick-tock, Chode.
Chode- I don’t know. I gotta think about it.
Six- Don’t sign it, Chode! I don’t trust him.
Devil- You know, I’m giving serious consideration to eating your gal-pal. [ Slurp ] Chode- Uh…
Devil- you’re running out of time, Chode. It’s now or never.
Chode- All right, all right, don’t push! Can you sweeten the deal a little?
Devil – Oh, all right. Sign, and I’ll throw in an 80 inch molecular plasma big screen tv to seal the deal.
Chode- Oooh! Now you’re talkin’! You gotta pen? Hmm?
Chode- Bob, what’s happening?
Bob- I can’t explain it, Captain! We’re right back on course. No sign of the black hole. It’s as if it was a bad dream.
[ All sigh with relief ] Whip- Maybe it was.
Bob- Uh, naw. There’s an 80-inch tv behind you. It says “attention: Chode”.
Chode- Ooh! He shoots, he scores!
Six- For someone who just sold his soul to the devil, you sure don’t seem too worried.
Chode- What do I have to worry about?
Six- Oh, I don’t know. How about burning in hell for eternity for starters?
Chode- Six, you don’t get it. The tv has direct dolby virtual reality interface!
Six- Oh, well now I feel a whole lot better.
Whip- I wonder what the devil would give me for my soul?
Six- Chode, this is serious. I have a feeling this nightmare isn’t over yet.
Chode- Ah, you worry too much, Six. Trust me. I’ve got the whole thing under control.
T’Nuk- The sow is mine!
Chode- Whoa! She’s bouncing around like paris hilton on that damn video!
Six- T’Nuk? Are you ok?
T’Nuk- Your mother sews socks that smell!
Whip- Uh-oh. I know that look! She’s about to blow chow!
Chode- Hey, yuck! What the hell have you been eating?
Six- She’s not sick, Chode. She’s possessed!
Chode- Maybe it’s pms.
Gus- Hmm! I love what she’s done with the bed. I need to talk to you right away about this contract. Do you realize the Devil gave you 6 hours, 6 minutes and 6 seconds until he takes your soul?
Six- 666, chode. It’s the sign of the devil.
Gus- Which gives you less than 4 hours left of freedom.
Chode- Ah, we’ll see about that. I’ve got bob zig-zagging across the galaxy, boomeranging our co-ordinates off every weigh station from here to the milky way.
Six- Do you really think that’s going to work?
Chode- Trust me! By the time satan catches up with our signal, we’ll be a zillion light years away.
Devil- Ding dong!
Chode- Heh! Hi! Uh, nice tie! It really shows off those beautiful red eyes of yours!
Devil- I’m disappointed in you, Chode. Think you could snake out of our deal? You’re lucky I’m a good sport. In my younger days, I’d take a flame thrower to this place. Hoo-ah!
Six- Wait, that’s the wrong movie.
Devil- I know. I like that movie more. Who buys keanu reeves as an attorney? Please.
Chode- What’re you doing here, Devil? You don’t own my soul for another–
Gus- three hours and 46 minutes.
Devil- I could say I’m here to protect my investment. But the truth is, I’m bored.
Six- Hmm, must be tough… working at the job from hell.
Devil- [ Laughs diabolically ] Don’t you know it, hot stuff. You know what would look good on you? Me.
Six- [ Exasperated sigh ] Devil- Women. You can’t live with ’em. You can’t live without ’em.
T’Nuk- Blech! Blech! I can’t keep anything down! [ Gasps and screams] Chode- Gus, you gotta help me. Just keep him busy while I figure a way out of this.
Gus- Me?! I have no intention of playing the charming hostess to the dark forces!
Devil- So, what’s there to do around here for a few hours?
Chode- Ask him!
Gus- Hmm… how about we read aloud from the bible and see where you went wrong?
T’Nuk- I can’t believe it! I just weighed myself. I lost 50 pounds! I actually shrunk 4 dress sizes!
Gus- If you wore a dress.
T’Nuk- The point is, this possession is the best thing that ever happened to me!
Devil- I thought you were terrified of me?
T’Nuk- I mean, I am. Of course. It’s just…
Devil- You want to lose a few more pounds?
T’Nuk- Do you mind? Arrgh! The sow is mine! Slech! Thanks!
Gus- Just so you know. I ain’t cleaning that up.
Chode- [ Mumbling nervously ]
Chode- Ah! Who’s there?!
Bob- Could it be Satan?
Chode- Very funny, Bob. If I wore pants I would have crapped ’em!
Bob- Pretty good church lady though, huh?
Chode- Yeah, it could win a fucking Prize. Now get lost!
Six- Chode… what are you doing?
Chode- I’m trying to find a way out of this!
Six- By what, playing cards?
Chode- I need to buy myself some time until I can come up with a better idea. See, I’m gonna challenge the devil to a game of poker! Gambling what little time I’ve got left.
Six- You really think that’s wise?
Chode- I’m stacking the deck! All I need is one hand to go double or nothing.
T’Nuk- Hey, kids… notice anything different?
Chode- Uh, you got uglier?
T’nUk- I’m thinner, fart face! And obviously smarter! Because I figured a way you can get out of your contract! There was a case called “The Devil and Daniel Webster”.
Chode- And this Webster guy actually got his client off?
Chode- Hear that, Six? All we need to do is find this Daniel Webster and I’m as good as free!
T’Nuk- There’s one small problem. Webster lived during the, uh… 1890’S.
Chode- [ Sighs ] I’m a dead man.
Six- Not necessarily. If whip could rig the transporter into a time continuum, we might be able to actually go back in time.
Chode- Get moving! Meanwhile, I’ll buy some time with a few hands of poker. I think I’ll start off with a royal flush.
Whip- “Before entering into any agreement with the devil, “it’s key to prioritize your desires.” Oh, a loaded hummer with 4-wheel drive… with a custom made trailer outfitted with his and hers seadoo!
Six- Whip, what’re you doing? I told you to convert the transporter to accommodate a time continuum!
Whip- It’s done-ski! It’s all ready to go!
Six- What? How’d you manage to convert the system so quickly? That’s a complicated program!
Whip- I downloaded bootleg software from the internet.
Six- Good work. Let’s go. 1893, Whip.
Whip- You got it!
Chode- Uh… what do you say, we start off friendly. Say, 20-minute ante?
Devil- Ok. But since you’re dealing, I choose the game.
Chode- Sounds good. What’s your fancy?
Devil- Seven cards, high low.
Chode- How’s that work?
Devil- It’s regular poker, only the low hand wins.
Chode- Uh, low?
Devil- Sweet. I’m good.
Chode- [ Gasps ] Oh…
Six- hmm! Let’s go find him!
Devil- Come on, chode! Bet already!
Chode- All right, all right, I’ll raise you… uh, 9 seconds.
Devil- Nine seconds? It took you 3 minutes to make up your mind!
Chode- Yeah, well, if it’s too rich for your blood you can always walk away!
Devil- I know what you’re trying to do but it’s not going to work. We’re just going to wait out the rest of your time here
then be on our way.
Chode- [ Nervous whimper ] Hey, I’m a good guy! If I’m going anywhere, it should be heaven!
Devil- Have you ever seen heaven? Take a look.
Jacob- You got any clubs?
god- [ Sighs ] Go fish.
Moses – Oy, good news! The Lawrence Welk marathon is on tonight! 300 episodes back-to-back!
Abraham- I’m glad you told me. I’d better soak my bunions now.
Devil- Now hell on the other hand…
Chode- could I have a peek?
Devil- You like girl-on-girl, don’t you?
Chode- Do I? You got some hot girl-on-girl action waiting for me down there?
Devil- Oh yeah! The hottest!
Devil- Don’t worry, I’ll tell them to be gentle with you the first hundred years.
Chode- [ Nervous whimper ]
Six- This is it.
Gus- Hold on. What if he refuses to come with us?
T’Nuk- He’s right. We need a back up plan in case he puts up a fight!, Oh!
Pauly Shore’s film career.
Chode- I’m not going! You can’t make me!
Devil- Fine. We’ll do this the hard way. Ugh!
Six- Not so fast. You’re not going anywhere.
Devil- Oh really? You’re gonna need a lot more than those two heavenly doorknockers of yours.
Six- Well then, how about our day in court? Chode’s contesting the contract you made with him.
Devil- You’re suing me?
Devil- I hope you know what you’re doing. Lose and I’ll make the hell I mentioned seem like a week at club med.
Chode- [ Gulps ] Six- From now on, address all your comments to our attorney… Daniel Webster.
Devil- Ah! Webster?!
Webster- I told you space freaks, my name’s Emmanuel Lewis! I just play a guy named webster on tv.
Gus- Oh, please. How dumb do you think we are?
Webster- Believe me, you don’t want me to answer that.
T’Nuk- Isn’t he adorable? Oh, I could just eat him up!
Webster- I thought cows only eat grass!
Webster- Listen, I promise you I’m not who you think I am!
Gus- So, you’re not really daniel webster. You never won a case against the devil. And you’re not from 1893.
Webster- No, no and no! I’m a sitcom star from 1983. I’m on a show called Webster.
Gus- Wait a minute. Ah! Oh my god! We got the wrong guy!
Webster- What I tried to tell you before you stuffed my butt in that bag!
Gus- What’re we going to do?
T’Nuk- Uh… ah, Chode’s gonna be fine! He always lands on his feet.
Chode- Eee! Huh?
Nixon- Ha ha!
Chode- Ah! Get a look at hell’s jury. I’m a dead man!
Gus- Not necessarily. I bet by now Hitler’s turned over a whole new leaf.
Devil- Meet my attorney, the Annihilator 5000. Watch as he eats your webster guy for lunch, then craps out the dream team.
Where’s your lawyer anyway? You forget to pay him his retainer?
Chode- [ Nervous whimper ]
T’Nuk- What’ll we do?
Six- I don’t know. I’m trying to make heads or tales of this contract.
Webster- Forget it, sal. You tell angela landsbury unless she meets my quote, she can kiss my you know what before I do “A Murder, She Wrote.” I don’t work for scale!
Six- Maybe we didn’t get the wrong Webster after all. I know you’re busy but is there any chance you can take a look at this contract our Captain made with the Devil?
Webster- Hmm… the Devil? Give me that. Who would sign this thing? It’s filled with contradiction and inconsistencies!
T’Nuk- For a little kid, you sure sound smart.
Six- Think you can help our friend?
Webster- Heck, why not? I don’t like this week’s episode anyway.
Six- Hmm… T’Nuk, aren’t you coming?
T’Nuk- Sorry, I’m meeting with some infomercial people. They wanna hear about my new “Diet from Hell”. How Satan can help you puke your way to a beautiful new you! Bulimics need not apply!
Annihilator 5000- Isn’t it true, Mr. McBlob, you made the arrangement with the Devil by your own free will?
Chode- Uh, that’s correct.
Annihilator 5000- And the only reason you’re contesting the contract is because you don’t want to live up to your half of the
agreement! Isn’t that right?
Chode- Absolutely. Who the hell wants to go to hell?
Annihilator 5000- That’s it exactly. Who wants to go to hell?
Chode- Yeah, not me! Heh heh.
Annihilator 5000- The truth is, you’re a selfish alien who only cares about himself! You’d sell your own mother out if it would serve your needs!
Chode- Problem is, who wants her? Heh heh! I was just… talking… uh…
Hitler- (in German) He’s so screwed!
Annihilator 5000- Your Honour, at this point, I beg for your ruling. Clearly the plaintiff’s case here is meritless.
Judge- I agree!
Webster- Not so fast! Defense deserves a chance to present our case. Don’t you think, your honour?
Hilter- (in German) Who’s the cute balck kid?
Webster- Defense calls the Devil to testify.
Annihilator 5000- Your honour! I object! This is a fishing expedition!
Webster- Then your big barracuda client has nothing to worry about.
Devil- That’s ok. I’ll take the stand. So you see, I’m the victim here. Webster- Oh, the victim, huh? What about the fact that you made my client sign under duress.
Webster- Am I going too fast for you? It means forcible restraint or compulsion by threat.
Devil- I know. But that wasn’t the case.
Webster- Oh? What do you call heading dead-centre toward an event horizon?
Devil- Your client wasn’t under duress.
Webster- Maybe you can handle that kind of pressure. But the rest of us would squeeze a load in our pants.
[ Laughter ] Devil- You’re twisting my words! Your client knew what he was getting into!
Webster- Oh! So now you can read minds now, huh? Then tell me what I’m thinking right now. If you said big-mouthed,
fat-headed bully, you’d be right!
[ Laughter ] Devil- What do you want from me?
Webster- I want the truth.
Devil- The truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Webster- Try me.
Devil- He didn’t sign that contract under duress because the black hole didn’t exist in the first place.
[ Crowd shocked ] Webster- Care to feed that to me again?
Devil- There was no black hole. There was no event horizon. I only made him believe it existed. He was in no danger.
Webster- I see. You only created it to get him to sign your contract.
[ Crowd disapproves ] Devil- I mean not exactly.
Webster- Well, which is it?
Devil- I don’t know. You’re confusing me!
Webster- You sure I’m doing the confusing? That sounds like your territory. You’re just full of lies, half truths and
Devil- Well, I am the Devil.
Webster- Your Honour, I rest my case.
Nixon- We the jury, find in favour of the plaintiff, Chode Mcblob.
Chode- Woo hoo!
Judge- The plaintiff is free to go.
Chode- Thank you, thank you!
Webster- Easy, you Pillsbury Dough Freak. Put me down, all right?
Devil- Nice job! You know, if you ever decide to make a move, you can always hang your shingle at my place.
Webster- Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather work on the side of good.
Gus- I know that god didn’t make robots, but I’m very religious anyway. So I’d like to state for the record that I always knew the lord would help me beat you in the end. Ha ha. [ Sniffs ] Do you smell something burning? Ah! Ow! Ow!
T’Nuk- Ah… argh!
Devil- I still got it.
This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.
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