Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E10: Aliens, Guns and a Monkey

Bob’s Opening Line- I’ve got your dilithium crystals right here!

Gus- Ohhh
Chode- Isn’t that a beautiful sound?
Gus- I know, Ruggiero’s Pagliacci always gets me right here.
Chode- I’m not talkin’ about the screechin’ chimp, you grease-guzzling commode. I’m talking about the sweet sound of “cha-ching.”  When I turn in this hairy-knuckled canary, I’m gonna get enough greenbacks to choke a clitorian moose.
Gus- Is money all you ever think about?
Chode- Well, that and snatcharooskie. Unless there’s a game on.
Spankey-  I dream of Six with the large round rack
Six- He is kinda cute
Gus- what’s his name?
Chode- Spanky.
Gus- How on earth did you name such a golden-voiced creature Spanky?
Chode- Well, whenever he’s not singin’ he’s… you know…
Gus- Oh, next time someone asks you that, lie.
Chode- What are you doing?
T’Nuk- My toenails. Why?
Chode- Cuz it’s giving me the creeps!
T’Nuk- You men don’t realize the price a woman must pay to be beautiful.
Chode- If I were you, I’d ask for my money back.
T’Nuk- I’m not going to respond to that. I’m too much of a lady. But keep it up and I’m gonna rip your purple head off and crap down the hole!
Bobo- Sorry to interrupt your petty conversation with something really important, but we’re fast approaching the planet Harmonia 7!
Chode- So? Pass it.
Bob- on the left or right?
Chode- That’s a toughie. Let’s see what the ol’ captain’s helper has to say.
Gus- Why thank you sir. It’s nice to be consulted…
Chode- Not you. What do ya say lucky-eight, should we pass on the left? It is decidedly so.
Gus- I’m programmed with two trillion megabytes of interstellar microdata and that’s how you make a big decision?!
Chode- I’m saving your expertise for something big… like when to change my underwear. Pass that sucker on the left, Bob.
Bob- That would bring us awfully close to the planet’s surface. Are you sure?
T’Nuk- Bob, he’s our captain and we have to respect his judgement. Just do what the idiot says.
Whip- Hey, what’s with the monkey? Maybe he’s trying to tell us something.
Chode- Nahhhh.
Bob- Ahhhhh! I’ve been hit!
Six- Captain, we’ve been struck by anti-shuttlecraft fire from the planet’s surface.
Gus- How rude! We should demand an official apology.
T’Nuk- I’ll say.
Bob- Oooooh…
Six- captain? Bob may have sustained serious damage.
Chode- Oh it’s nothin’. He’ll shake if off.
Bob- Everything’s going dark… so dark…
Chode- You activated the dimmer switch.
Bob- Oh. Sorry.
T’Nuk- Uh! We’re losing power in the aft engines!
Six- The life support systems are starting to fail!
Chode- Alright alright, nobody panic! I know for a fact bob’s been designed to keep a cool head in just this sort of life threatening situation. Bob?
Bob- Aaaaaaaaah!!! I want my mommy!!!
Chode- Ok, everybody, it’s time for you to panic!
Six- Captain, you have no choice. You’ll have to land manually or we risk becoming a floating tomb.
Chode- Any chance he’s fakin’ it?
Bob- Goo goo… ga ga…cookie?
Chode- Ok, that answers that question. Manual overide it is. Hold on, folks.
Gus- Oh, nice landing.
Chode- Hey! You try driving sober.

Six- As you can see, projectiles have damaged the entire 26th quadrant of the delta sector.
T’Nuk- My Martha Stewart action figures?
CHode- My masturbatorium?
Six- Both destroyed.
Both- Noooooooooooo!
Chode- Get off.
Six- Even worse: Unless Bob gets a pink tuscadaran patch cord quickly… I’m afraid he’s flown his last mission.
Chode- A tuscahootin’ what?
Gus- How did you get to be captain?
Chode- New rule, bite me.
Six- According to this, “Red’s Ship Repair Hut & Gunnery” is 10 kilometers away. We could slip into town, buy the patch cord and leave.
Chode- Piece of cake. It looks like a nice enough planet.
Duck- Quack. Quack. Quack.
Chode- T’Nuk, you better stay here. It’s too dangerous.
T’Nuk- Chode, you care!
Chode- Let’s face it, those hunters are bound to mistake you for a big ugly water buffalo. And when they shoot you, what if I was standing next to you and you fell on me? I might get hurt.
T’Nuk- Fucking asshole!
Chode- That’s captain fucking asshole to you. Ok, everbody else, lets go!

Whip- Wow. These people sure are paranoid!
Gus- Maybe, but the Tagat’s guide does say it’s the safest planet in this quadrant.
Chode- Why the hell are we stopping? We’re not there yet.
Gus- Well, with a place as nice as this, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was some sort of welcome wagon. You know, to make first time visitors feel at home.

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Wesson- Welcome to the galaxy’s safest community: Harmonia 7. Of course to keep it that way, our citizens had to surrender a few minor civil liberties…
Robot- Urine sample. Extracted.
Wesson- Each group of visitors is issued one of our mechanical escorts to keep “an eye” on your safety at all times. Just think of the Voyeur 6000 as a friend… … a friend who watches your every move and never, ever sleeps. We don’t want you to feel like a stranger. We like to get to know you.
Chode- Yaatchaa!
Wesson- … But this is all done so that you will feel safe and secure as we do, during your, hopefully, short visit.
Gus- Well… my Tagats guide didn’t mention that.

T’Nuk- Bob? Are you still there?
Bob- You know I can actually feel my life’s fluids draining away?
T’Nuk- Honey, welcome to my world. I go through a case of moisterizer a day.
Bob- Very interesting and now back to me, the one dying…
T’Nuk- Sorry, I’m here for you, kiddo.
Bob- All I can think of are regrets. I mean, I never got to fly a kite, or drink a slushi, or vote…
T’Nuk- Do you remember where I put my tortoise shell barette?!
Bob- Gee, no, but why don’t I look for it in the final fleeting moments of my life that remain?
T’Nuk- Would ya? You’re a doll!

[ Crowd yelling “no more guns” ]
Six- Well it’s good to see that they tolerate another point of view on this planet.
Harmonium Officer- Don’t worry folks, you’re safe now. We got ’em.
Chode- Uh yeah, gee thanks.
Whip- Awesome…!
Safety- Hi there! My name is Mr. Safety, and you can see me, and all my friends… … at Gunland! Remember, guns don’t kill people, bullets do!
Whip- Can we go to Gunland, please?!
Aidan- You don’t want to go to Gunland. Teenagers, especially impressionable ones, should be learning the dangers of weapons and gunplay. Here, read this.
Peacenik- Mission accomplished General Aidan.
Aidan- Well done.
Gus- Excuse me, but isn’t it hypocritical to violently blow up a billboard featuring violence in order to protest violence?
Aidan- We believe if you want a nonviolent world, that you have to be willing to fight to the death for it. Are you willing to pay the price for peace?!
Chode- Sorry, the only peace I’ve ever been interested in is a piece of ass. Run!

Chode- What are you looking at?!
Gus- Quick! There’s a cab! Excuse me, we’re trying to get to…
Cabbie- Friend or foe?! Friend or foe?!
Gus- How about paying customers? I assume you’ve heard of them.
Cabbie- Oh, sorry, I’ve been shot 2,345 times. I’ve probably got more metal in me than you do. So, where ya headin’?
Chode- Red’s ship repair hut and gunnery and step on it!
Chode- Geez, I feel like one of the Osbournes. Can’t we get rid of I spy here?
Six- He might understand you. Quick – switch to pig latin!
Chode- I-ay, ate-hay is-thay ucking-fay i-ay. (I dislike this wretched eye)
Six- Ine-fay. Ou-yay Exit-ay irst-fay en-way e-way rrive-ay. I-ay av-ay a lan-pay (Very well. You exit first when we arrive. I have a plan)
Chode- Uckingfay ite-ray (It is agreed)

Six- Are you looking for chode? Oh, he just flew up towards the sun. If you stare long enough, you’ll see him.
Gus- That was easy.
Chode- C’mon, lets head inside.

Red- See, the limb-inator neatly slices off the limbs of your victim, and stacks them together in pleasing geometric shapes.
Girl 1- Does it come in pink?
Girl 2- Or with a matching bag?
Red- Naw, but it has a splatter guard.
Both- Ooooh!
Chode- S’cuse me red?
Red- Yeah?
Chode- Hey! Put that down. We’re not here to buy any weapons.
Red- You’re not one of them fig-eatin’ peacenicks are ya?
Chode- No, no – hell no! We love the second amendment, especially the guns and the killing part, and plan to buy loads of weapons, but first we need a pink tuscadaran patch cord for our ship.
Red- Uh-huh… say, where’s your Voyeur 6000?
Chode- He… went to get some visine.
Gus- Do you carry the pink tuscadaran patch cord?
Red- Oh I got it. But ya do know we only take cash don’tcha? There’s an atm just outside.
Chode- Terriffic! Back in a flash.

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Chode- See? A few clicks from the atm and…
Kid- say mister, can we have some money?
Chode- Cute. Here, buy yourself some candy to rot your teeth.
Kid- Candy’s gone up. Thanks mister!
Gus- Great. No weapons. No money. No patch cord. We’re screwed.
Whip- Maybe we should go into Red’s, grab a gun, and go after those kids!
Chode- That wouldn’t be right.
Six- Thank you captain.
Chode- They’re probably much better shots than we are. Let’s sneak up on the little bastards with a bazooka and blow their heads off!
Six- You’re not on this planet one hour and listen to the both of you. Violence begats more violence.
Spankey- From the ‘p’ to the ‘e’ to the “a’, ‘c’ ‘e’ the people want peace, now can’t you see? From the mother to the father to the daughter to the son you will never have peace if your god is a gun.
Chode- Hey! We can hock Spanky, buy the patch cord and still have millions left over!
Kid- Thanks again mister!
Chode- Daaaah!  Me and my big mouth!

T’Nuk- Bob?! Don’t go to sleep, Bob!
Bob- I don’t think I can hold out… much longer.
T’Nuk- Nonsense. That’s crazy talk. You’re gonna be just fine. By the way, did you ever get around to making out a will? Just curious. No special reason I’m asking. [Beeping] Uh?

Gus- While Bob lays dying, we’re stuck in this paranoid guntopia with no money, food or means of defending ourselves. All thanks to our brilliant captain.
Chode- Hey, I don’t hear any bright ideas coming from tin pansy alley!
Gus- You want some of this? You want some of this?
Six- Fighting each other isn’t going to get our money back.
Chode- You’re right, I’m going straight to the top.

Wesson- Robbed at gunpoint by a bunch of kids? I shouldn’t really help you because, lets face it, you’re not registered voters. But, I tell you what, if I hear a tip about these punks, you’ll be the first to know.
Chode- Thank you sir. If there’s anything we can do for you, just ask.
Wesson- Well…I could use a massage.
Chode- Uh…I really haven’t massaged another man since prison, so..
Wesson- I was talking about your sexy lady friend here.
Six- Sorry, the captain has strict rules about my…
Chode- …she’ll do it. Cash only, no checks or plastic.
Whip- Look out!
Chode- What the hell was that?
Wesson- My son, Aidan.
Chode- The head of the radical pacifists?
Wesson- ‘Fraid so. You see we’re estranged. If I could just find some way to reach out to him…
Chode- Hell, I could help you with that.
Wesson- Really? I would certainly repay the favor, plus a “little something” for your troubles.
Chode- If by “a little something” you mean more cash, you got a deal!

Whip- How are we ever gonna find them?
Chode- Kid, I don’t know everything.
Gus- Do you know anything?
Chode- I know a robot who’s gonna get his ass kicked.
Whip- Hey! Isn’t that them?
Chode- Thank heavens! It’s you! Your father sent us to find you.
Aidan- I hate my father.
Chode- In that case, let me ask you something, are you gonna eat those french fries?
Gus- I’m sure you can have all the french fries you want after Bob’s funeral.
Chode- Oh yeah. About your dad…
Aidan- if you’re here to try and convince me to reconcile with him, you’re wasting your time.
Chode- Look, underneath that twisted gun crazy nut job exterior of his… beats the heart of a much less twisted gun crazy nut job. Ok. That wasn’t so great. How ’bout this. You only get one dear old dad and when he’s gone…
Aidan- the world’ll be a better place.
Chode- Oh boy.

Wesson- Ohhhh… you have the hands of an angel. That feels fantastic.
Six- Thanks. You’re awfully tense Mr. Governor. You have knots all up and down your spine.
Wesson- Actually… that’s shrapnel.
Six- Oh.
Wesson- Say six – how would you like to be the spokesmodel for my new “guns-for-books” after-school program?
Six- Guns for books?
Wesson- Yeah, the slogan is: “A gun is a terrible thing to waste.”
Six- Thank you for the offer governor, but I would have to decline since the idea is morally reprehensible to me. Turn over please. Ah! Sorry…I’ve just never seen one that big before.
Wesson- Well thanks. My father’s hung down to his…
Six- I was talking about your monkey diamond.
Wesson- Oh.
Spankey- He-elp mee… he-elp me… he-eelp me-eeee!
Six- Where’d you get it?
Wesson- It was a gift from… some of my loyal constituents.
Six- I see…

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Aidan- Don’t you understand? My father is a warmonger, a hunter and a gun lover. I’m an androgynous vegan pacifist, everything he hates.
Chode- Now hold on, there’s bound to be a bit of friction between two alpha males such as yourselves. I should know, my own father and I once fought over the same toothless hooker. Hey, don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. Look, if peace is really so important to you, why can’t you be the bigger person and hold out an olive branch to your old man?
Aidan- I make no decisions without consulting my fellow pacifists. Should I reconcile with my father?
Peacenik 1- Well, if you did, maybe he’d take the bounty off our heads.
Peacenik 2- It’d be nice to not be shot on sight for once.
Peacenik 3- And not to be booed at the oscars.
Gus- And just think, you could all get new clothes. Let’s face it, that ninja look is sooo last year. Well it is. Don’t kill the messenger!
Aidan- Alright I’ve made my decision.

[ Knocking on door ]
Wesson- Who’s there?! I’m in a meeting.
Aidan- Hello father.
Wesson- I can’t believe my eyes.
Chode- Neither can I. He’s wearin my monkey diamond.
Aidan- Father, I’ve missed you.
Wesson- Well… you never were a great shot.
Aidan- Oh, father…
Wesson- All is forgiven, my son, all is forgiven.
Aidan- Do you think I could have a moment alone… with my dad?
Chode- Sure! We’ll leave just as soon as we get that “something extra” we discussed.
Wesson- Of course…
Chode- And I’ll take my monkey diamond! Where’d you get that?
Wesson- Uh… family heirloom. It was a gift. I found it. E-bay.
Chode- Liar! You’re in cahoots with the little hoodlums who robbed me!
Wesson- Are you suggesting that I would start a crime wave in order to stoke the flames of paranoia which would create a gun culture so powerful that even sensible gun laws could never be passed?!
Chode- Uh… actually no. I just thought you knew the kids who robbed us.
Aidan- Dad… is it true?
Wesson- Aidan, you don’t understand… uh…
Aidan- oh I understand all right. Give him back the monkey diamond. Father, I guess the only way we’re going to understand
each other… is if we speak the same language.
Wesson- Well, maybe it’s time we had a little father-son… …heart-to-heart.
Chode- Uh, sorry to interrupt folks, but I’m still waiting for that “something extra” as promised. on second thought, seeing
father and son together is reward enough for me. Bye now! Everybody move! Move! Move! Damn. Without the money he promised, Bob’s as good as dead, unless we hock Spanky!
Six- I think this will easily cover the tuscadaran patch cord.
Chode- Where’d you get this?
Six- Don’t ask.
Gus- We don’t have to. Mint? Perhaps this might be a good time to see if Red’s still has that patch-cord, yes?

Gus- The patient… pulled through.
Chode- Great! Get us the hell outta here Bob!
Gus- I, for one, am glad to be out of that shooting gallery.
Whip- I’m just stoked we got spanky back.
T’Nuk- Even though there’s a hole in the diamond and it’s now worthless!
Chode- What?! Those rotten brats must have dropped it!
Whip- Still… good job Uncle Chode. You brought peace to the planet.
Chode- Well, I think I pretty much make a difference wherever I go, and if I can help one father reconcile with one son….
T’Nuk- what is that filthy monkey doing now?!
Gus- Oh! My stars.
Whip- Whoaa dude!
Spankey- Eeeek! Eeeek! Eeeeeeeeeek!
T’Nuk- Oh my god! Right in my eye! Somebody plug that damn hole in the diamond!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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