Jokers: Jokes About Things: Religion Jokes

God the Guitarist

A guy dies and arrives at heaven's gates where an angel meets him.
“So”, asks the angel, “what did you do when you were alive?”.
The guy replies “I was a bass guitarist”.
“Fantastic”, the angel responded, “we've got a jam going out back – Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Keith Moon, John Lennon, Miles Davis and Eric Clapton”.
The guy gives the angel a puzzled look and says “I didn't know Clapton had died”.
The Angel laughs “Oh that's God. He just likes to think he's Clapton”.

Submitted by Amber Floyd

Why did Jesus cross the road?
Because he was nailed to the chicken.

Confessional

A priest hearing confession in a low-life, scumbag neighborhood is startled when someone enters the confessional and doesn't speak but grunts as if in agony: “Good heavens!” says the sympathetic priest, envisioning a soul in utter torment, “Are you alright?”

After a few more moaning grunts, then a deep sigh of relief, a soft, drunken voice answers, “Yeah! I'm okay! But there's no fucking toilet paper in here! You got some over there?”

Submitted by Todd

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs

As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his
hand to ask a question. “Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
“No Dopey,” responds the Pontiff, “there are not.”
“Really?”, Dopey questions. “No Dopey,” chuckles the Pope, “there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.”

“Mr. Pope,” Dopey asks pleadingly, “are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

“No Dopey,” the Pope says sadly, “there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin.”

Submitted by Todd

A catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see two 12 year old boys throwing a baseball.

The priest says to the rabbi, “Let's go fuck those little boys…” and the rabbi replies, “Out of what?”

A young couple dies just before their wedding, and they go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if there is anything he can do for them. “We want to get married,” they reply. “I'll see what I can do,” St. Peter says. Centuries pass, and they don't hear from St. Peter. They wait impatiently, until one day he returns to them with a priest. They get married. Years later they get bored of marriage and realize they hate each other. They approach St. Peter and ask him to get them divorced. “Hell no,” he shouts. “It took me long enough to find a priest in Heaven, and now you want me to find a fucking lawyer?”

Father for Many

An old man from a far off land was on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the younger man had a strange kind of shirt collar.

Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,”Excuse me sir, why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?” The priest politely answered,”I wear this collar because I am a Father.”

The old man thought for a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my shirt front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?”

The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the father for many.”

The old man quickly answered, “I am the father of many too. I have four sons, four daughters and to many grand children to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, “Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.

The old man was taken back and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said,

“Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.”

Submitted by Todd