Jokers: Jokes About Things: “The Things Kids Bring Home” Jokes

WHY DON’T BIG PLANES HAVE LITTLE PLANES?

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines.”

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
He said that she had.

So he said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out o­n time.”

Submitted by Lisa Murray

HOW TO KILL AN EEL

Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. o­ne day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains o­ne night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in o­ne hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.

I should tell her about the o­nes I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock o­n it. And he helped by laying o­n the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went o­n courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have nine lives or something. this time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting o­n it. After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.”

Mother fainted.

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know.

And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. …. You got an “F” in sex.”

Submitted by Todd