Jokers: Jokes Abuot Things: Humorous Quotes

Booze is good for you!

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
* William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
* For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
* Ernest Hemingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie o­n the floor without holding o­n.
* Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
* Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.
* G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
* Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
* Anonymous

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
* Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
* His reply

Sir, you are dunk
* L?
Madam, you are ugly. But, in the morning I shall be sober.
*WC

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
* David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
* Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
* Anonymous

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
* Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Anonymous

Submitted by Glen Burrows

One Liners by Steven Wright:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am o­n special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria – they’re the o­nly culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The o­nly substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … 24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case …   Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover o­n my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. o­nly used o­nce, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Submitted by John Sanders

More Bumper Stickers:

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – they’re the o­nly culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The o­nly substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Born free… taxed to death.
Some people are alive o­nly because it’s illegal to kill them.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle o­n life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices o­nly talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning.
I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
IF — A two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.
Spotted owl tastes just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver o­nly carries $20.00 in ammunition
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Born again pagan.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Cat… the other white meat.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but YOU’RE still an idiot!
There’s too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I’ll do the rest!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment o­n my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling to good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you’re unique…just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax o­n people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex o­n television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Submitted by Amber Floyd

Some classic moments in journalism

Jon Snow: “In a sense, Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert: “Er, yes.” (Channel 4 News)

“As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this o­ne is no
different to any other.” (John Sleightholme – BBC1)

“If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal.”
(Jimmy Hill – BBC)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks o­n the
field.” (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: “My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off
at the altar o­n my wedding day.”
Simon Fanshawe: “How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?”

Interviewer: “So did you see which train crashed into which train
first?” 15-year-old: “No, they both ran into each other at the same time.”

(BBC Radio 4)
Presenter (to palaeontologist): “So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?”
Expert: “Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule,we’d get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: “So it’d be like some sort of hairy gorilla?”
Expert: “Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks.”

Kilroy-Silk: “Did you mean to get pregnant?”
Girl: “No. It was a cock-up.”

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald:
“Sex is an anti-climax after that!”
Desmond Lynam: “Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw
that.” (BBC)

Submitted by Glen Burrows