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Dumb Bloke Jokes


The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other o­n a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Submitted by Annette.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One! men will screw anything

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man”s sexually aroused?
He’s breathing.

What’s the defference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know, it’s never happened!

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good o­nes are always taken and the rest are handicapped.

What is a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phones home.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What are the reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men name their penises?
They want to be o­n a first name basis with the o­ne that makes all the decisions.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in o­ne room.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
The porcupine has pricks o­n the outside.

What do men thing Roe VS. Wade is?
Two ways to cross a river.

How do men sort their laundry?
“Dirty” and “Dirty but wearable”

How stupid are men about money?
Only a man would but a $500. car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.

Why do men have holes in their penises?
So they can get oxygen to their brains.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating Children.

How can you tell that soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate in bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They’re stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of o­ne.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical man ?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

What makes men chase women who they have no intention of marrying?
The same instinct that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention to drive.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his neck.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know, it has never happened.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk o­n ’em for years.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a man with 1/2 a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a woman who is your wife and a woman who is your girlfriend?
45 lbs.

Submitted by erm… I’m sorry but Annette asked that her name be withheld.

Head

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: “Hey, I have an idea. Let’s split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I’ll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We’ll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.

The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.

The next day, they meet and the first guy says:

“So…Tell me about your day!”

The second guy smiled and said: “Oh, I had a great o­ne! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?

His friend laughed and said: “You’re never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I’ve ever seen tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I’ve ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!”

The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him…”Everything?”

“Everything!” he replied.

“Did she suck your dick?”

“Well…no…She didn’t do that…” the man said with a sigh…”I couldn’t find her head!”

Goblins

A woman runs out of her house o­ne morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!” “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?” “I want a huge mansion to live in.” “OK, you’ve got it.” “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million pounds” “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Bloody Hell”, says the man, “27 and you still belive in goblins”

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