Jokers: Situation Humour: Miscellaneous Jokes

Miscellaneous Humour

A WOMAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.

They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the nine o’clock class in vigorous
toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen, bitch… do it and you die.”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then marry him).

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”

Submitted by the Sensational Lisa Murray

Q What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
A The front row of a Spice Girls concert.

The Man Who Knew Everyone

Once upon a time, two businessmen (Mike and Bob) were arguing as to which of them actually knew more people. Mike said to his friend, “Bob, I know hundreds if not thousands of people.” Bob replied that he could do even better…in fact, he boasted that he knew EVERYONE there was to know.

Mike decided to see if Bob could prove himself…….. 

Mike asked Bob if he knew Michael Jordan. Bob replied, “Mikey? Sure…we played intramural basketball o­n the same team at North Carolina.” So, the two businessmen flew to Chicago…and during halftime of a Bulls game Bob called out to Michael–who promptly came over, shook his hand feverishly, and continued to talk about old times until the second hald began.

Mike conceeded that Bob actually knew Michael Jordan, but added “That was o­nly o­ne person Bob. How about Bill Gates of Microsoft. Do you know him?”

Bob replied, “Billy G? Sure…we were in the same computer class in high school. In fact, I had to help him with his final program when it wouldn’t run.” So, the two booked a flight to Seattle where Bill Gates was giving a seminar o­n computer technology. Upon entering the conference hall, Bob called out–and Bill responded by stopping his lecture, coming out from behind the podium and embracing Bob warmly.

Mike conceeded that Bob actually knew Bill Gates, so he decided to up the stakes. “Ok Bob, how about the Pope. Is he someone you actually know?”

Bob replied, “The Pope? You mean THE Pope? Of course I know him…as a matter of fact, he was the o­ne who baptized me.” So the two of them flew to Rome. 

Once there, they realized that the Pope was giving mass in the Vatican City. Arriving late, they took their places behind the thousands of people. “How are you gonna prove to me that you know the Pope,” Mike asked. Bob replied, “You just stand here. I am going to make my way through the crowd, get o­n-stage, see the Pope and then wave to you from up there.” Mike agreed, and Bob took off.

Minutes later, Mike observed Bob being helped o­nto the stage by security; whereby the Pope, obviously recognizing him, embraced him warmly. Then, as Bob turned to wave at his friend at the back o­n the crowd, he noticed his friend shaking his head and turning to leave. When Bob ran into his friend again at the hotel he asked, “I know you saw me up there with the Pope. But, when I started to wave at you…you left. WHY?”

Mike calmly replied, “Well, o­nce you got up there, an old catholic woman next to me tapped me o­n the shoulder and asked…’Who is that up o­nstage with BOB?’ I knew it was time for me to leave.”

Submitted by John Sanders

Hit Man Discount

Two men met for the first time while playing golf and decided to carry o­n playing there round together. Early o­n in their conversation they brought up the subject of their respective occupations.

First Man : I’m a car salesman.

Second Man: Well my job is quite secretive. You see, I’m a hit man.

First Man : No shit!

Second Man: No it’s true. Look I’ll show you. I have golf clubs that can be assembled into a high-powered rifle.

So the hit man takes his golf clubs and in minutes has assembled a high-powered rifle complete with telescopic sights. He hands it to the other man who starts looking through the sights and after a few minutes realizes he can see his own house with the telescopic sights.

First Man : Shit!! My wife is sunbathing naked in the back yard…. What’s this?! The neighbour is jumping over the fence and he’s naked too!… How much do you charge for a hit?

Second Man: $5000 a pop.

First Man : Alright. Shoot them both and I’ll pay you the 10 grand.

Second Man: Okay. Where abouts do you want them shot?

First Man : Well let me see…. Shoot the wife in the mouth, the moaning bitch…. and shoot the neighbour in the balls, the randy bastard.

So the hit man lines up his gun and takes aim. After a few minutes the hit man still hasn’t fired.

First Man : What’s taking you so long?

Second Man: If you wait a minute, I might be able to save you $5000!

Q Why can’t Barbie have babies?
A Because Ken comes in a different box!

Q You are in a room with a pedophile, a serial rapist, and a lawyer. You have a
gun but o­nly two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A You shoot the lawyer twice, and then pistol whip the son of a bitch until
you’re sure he’s dead.

King Arthur was getting ready to go o­n a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, o­ne that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every o­ne of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.

“Sir Galahadhis,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The o­ne and o­nly true knight! o­nly you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four…Why, You got a problem with that?

Submitted by Bob Renton

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him
“This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says,
“Sandpaper, my boy, that’s all you need.”

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says
“So how are you doing with the girls now?”

Pinnochio says, “Who needs girls?”

Two cannibals are about to eat a guy and o­ne says I’ll start at the head and you start at the feet. They start eating and the guy at the head says “How you doing down there?” The guy says “I’m having a ball” The 1st guy says” Slow down! youre eating too fast!!”

Q   What does DNA stand for?
A    National Association of Dyslexics

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone o­n this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this”.

 

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