Jokers: Situation Humour: Miscellaneous Jokes
A WOMAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Q What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
The Man Who Knew Everyone
Mike decided to see if Bob could prove himself……..
Mike asked Bob if he knew Michael Jordan. Bob replied, “Mikey? Sure…we played intramural basketball on the same team at North Carolina.” So, the two businessmen flew to Chicago…and during halftime of a Bulls game Bob called out to Michael–who promptly came over, shook his hand feverishly, and continued to talk about old times until the second hald began.
Mike conceeded that Bob actually knew Michael Jordan, but added “That was only one person Bob. How about Bill Gates of Microsoft. Do you know him?”
Bob replied, “Billy G? Sure…we were in the same computer class in high school. In fact, I had to help him with his final program when it wouldn’t run.” So, the two booked a flight to Seattle where Bill Gates was giving a seminar on computer technology. Upon entering the conference hall, Bob called out–and Bill responded by stopping his lecture, coming out from behind the podium and embracing Bob warmly.
Mike conceeded that Bob actually knew Bill Gates, so he decided to up the stakes. “Ok Bob, how about the Pope. Is he someone you actually know?”
Bob replied, “The Pope? You mean THE Pope? Of course I know him…as a matter of fact, he was the one who baptized me.” So the two of them flew to Rome.
Once there, they realized that the Pope was giving mass in the Vatican City. Arriving late, they took their places behind the thousands of people. “How are you gonna prove to me that you know the Pope,” Mike asked. Bob replied, “You just stand here. I am going to make my way through the crowd, get on-stage, see the Pope and then wave to you from up there.” Mike agreed, and Bob took off.
Minutes later, Mike observed Bob being helped onto the stage by security; whereby the Pope, obviously recognizing him, embraced him warmly. Then, as Bob turned to wave at his friend at the back on the crowd, he noticed his friend shaking his head and turning to leave. When Bob ran into his friend again at the hotel he asked, “I know you saw me up there with the Pope. But, when I started to wave at you…you left. WHY?”
Mike calmly replied, “Well, once you got up there, an old catholic woman next to me tapped me on the shoulder and asked…’Who is that up onstage with BOB?’ I knew it was time for me to leave.”
Submitted by John Sanders
|Hit Man Discount|
Two men met for the first time while playing golf and decided to carry on playing there round together. Early on in their conversation they brought up the subject of their respective occupations.
First Man : I’m a car salesman.
Second Man: Well my job is quite secretive. You see, I’m a hit man.
First Man : No shit!
Second Man: No it’s true. Look I’ll show you. I have golf clubs that can be assembled into a high-powered rifle.
So the hit man takes his golf clubs and in minutes has assembled a high-powered rifle complete with telescopic sights. He hands it to the other man who starts looking through the sights and after a few minutes realizes he can see his own house with the telescopic sights.
First Man : Shit!! My wife is sunbathing naked in the back yard…. What’s this?! The neighbour is jumping over the fence and he’s naked too!… How much do you charge for a hit?
Second Man: $5000 a pop.
First Man : Alright. Shoot them both and I’ll pay you the 10 grand.
Second Man: Okay. Where abouts do you want them shot?
First Man : Well let me see…. Shoot the wife in the mouth, the moaning bitch…. and shoot the neighbour in the balls, the randy bastard.
So the hit man lines up his gun and takes aim. After a few minutes the hit man still hasn’t fired.
First Man : What’s taking you so long?
Second Man: If you wait a minute, I might be able to save you $5000!
Q Why can’t Barbie have babies?
Q You are in a room with a pedophile, a serial rapist, and a lawyer. You have a
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him
Two cannibals are about to eat a guy and one says I’ll start at the head and you start at the feet. They start eating and the guy at the head says “How you doing down there?” The guy says “I’m having a ball” The 1st guy says” Slow down! youre eating too fast!!”
Q What does DNA stand for?
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
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