Jokers: Situation Humour: Getting Married

Wedding Night
 
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite o­n their
wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these o­n.”
 
She put them o­n and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said.
 
“That’s right!” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!”
 
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these o­n.”
 
He tried them o­n, and found he could o­nly get them o­n as far as his
kneecap. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!”
 
She said, “That’s right and that’s the way it’s going to be until your
goddamned attitude changes!”

George & Mildred

George and Mildred were getting married in 2 weeks time after a very long courtship. George was desperate to have sex with Mildred but she wouldn’t let him until after the wedding.

“Please…..”, George pleaded, “…..let me just feel your tits then”, “No George…”, says Mildred, “………wait until we’re married, then you can have all the sex you want”.

“Please Mildred………..let me me feel just o­ne”, “NO……”, says Mildred, “…you’ll have to wait a fortnight, then you can have all the sex you want”.

“But please Mildred, just o­ne, let me feel just o­ne of your tits, and then I won’t ask for no more until we’re married”, pleads George. “Oh alright….”, says Mildred, “…you can feel just o­ne, then that’s it until after we’re married, then you can have all the sex you want”.

So George fetches out o­ne of Mildred’s tits, feels it, squeezes it, weighs it and rubs it.

“Mildred………..”, asks George, “……..can I have a sniff of your
fanny?”

“No……….”, says Mildred, “……you must wait until after we’re married, then you can have all the sex you want!”, “But please Mildred, just o­ne sniff
of your fanny?”, “NO……”, says Mildred, “……..you must wait a
fortnight, until after we’re married, then you can have all the sex you want”

“Just o­ne sniff of your fanny, that’s all I want, then I’ll wait until we’re married…..please, just o­ne sniff”

“Oh, alright…………”, says Mildred, “………..just o­ne sniff, then
that’s it until we’re married”

George sticks his head up Mildred’s dress and starts to sniff her fanny, he takes a good long sniff, then another, and finally another.

“Mildred…………..”, says George, “………….are you sure this’ll keep
a fortnight?”

submitted by Mark Allison

There was this lady who wanted to find the perfect husband. So, she put an add in the paper that said,”Wanted: A husband that won’t beat me, run away from me, and is good in bed.”
A few weeks later, the doorbell rings. When she answered it there was a man with no arms and no legs.

Lady: May I help you?
Man: I’m here about your ad in the paper.
Lady: I don’t think you meet the requirements.
Man: Look, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, I have no legs so I can’t run away from you….
Lady: But you have to be good in bed…
Man: How do you think I rang the doorbell?