LEXX: S04E05: Xevivor
“A tropical island paradise, ten virile studs, one drop dead gorgeous babe and a single night of jungle love …” (lots of sexy images of a girl with nice boobs and bum in a red bikini – can’t see her face (who cares) oh yeah, and a load of blokes with big muscles). “…Lust and survival collide. The sea breeze is thick with hormones… may the best man win.”
Welp?! Does that sound like the beginning of a LEXX episode to you? Me neither, so we’re both wrong. This was a show and a half. Xevivor had everything! Nutty storyline, fun, sex, a little bit of sci fi, violence and more fun. I absolutely adored this episode, I’m not exactly sure why, it just worked.
The writing was good, the direction was excellent and the lead characters were wonderful. It began as it meant to go on; a cheesy and peculiar introduction to a show that was purely designed to appeal to our base instincts (viva la base instincts). By the way, the babe in the red bikini wasn’t Xenia Seeberg.
Then we see Fifi turn around and say, “Any questions? Or should I break out the rubber pants?” to a room full of TV executives. He turns off the videotape – an advertisement of his new show.
“It stinks.” Says the head TV executive (he was clearly the head dude because he was naked and being massaged by a lovely tall blonde lady (fully clothed)). “Like gold.” He added.
Shemmi from season 2 also known as Fifi from season 3 is now a TV producer called Farley. He is presenting the concept for a new Show to his colleagues. He excitedly explains that the show will star Xev (the babe from the highly rated P4X Internet show) and the show will be called ‘Xevivor’.
The head dude loves the whole idea but questions Farley’s ability to hire Xev. The space babe is big news after her P4X show and apparently all the TV stations have been trying to locate and hire her.
Farley confidently explains that Xev’s agent (?) has recently been in contact and has been negotiating her role in the new extravaganza. “… as a matter of fact, I’ve got him on the line right now” He adds.
Note: The following may seem ludicrous and completely unfathomable. However, and it’s really not my intention to patronise here, TV executives (especially producers and story department head’s) communicate in code, it saves in wordage and for some strange reason, is considered pretty cool. I have attempted to translate the words (in the right column) for your consideration:
“Prince,” he asks speaking into a radio phone,
|Comment: “Are you still there big guy?”||Translation: Hello honeybunch. Did you get my flowers|
|“Sure am chief. How’s our itch.” Says Prince from his office in the ATF (Dept. of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms).||Yes, how’s it hanging bitch?|
|“Getting scratched.”||I think I’ve caught something.|
|“Mojo?” Inquires Prince.||Have you caught hoojoo (a particularly nasty ear infection)|
|“Workin’”||Yes I think so darling, but it was well worth it! I’ve never done it there before|
|“Whole lotta shakin’?||Hey, I like to try new things, you know?|
|“Big Time bakin’”||Tell me about it! I’m not going to call you Prince anymore, I’ll call you long and curly!|
|“Easy peasy?” Erm… not quite sure if that was a question or a split pea infinitive.||What can I say, yer into vegetables! Peas never did it for me, but you obviously like to experiment – I like that.|
|“Japaneasy”||Just like the Japanese|
|“Righteous.” Adds Prince, “Wicked up.” He concludes although he could possibly have said ‘Lick it up’ which I believe, is more accurate.||I want you again baby. Ours is red as well, number nine knitting needles and hundred watt light bulbs.
But if he said ‘Lick it up’….. I want your big sausage in my ear again! Oh, and by the way, Money isn’t an issue with that Xev trollop (lady of the night), I’d like her to be on the show a lot… is that ok baby?
Prince is worried that Xev’s role in the show is not going to be long enough. Money isn’t the issue but prolonged exposure IS.
|Comment: “Prince, you make the gravy, we’ll slaughter the ham.”||Translation: I need to give your ear a long, warm injection. How about it baby|
|“I like mine from the butt – meat from the sweat spot”||No thanks, I like mine in the….. I’m sorry, I’m too embarrassed to translate that any further.|
|“Fine dining”||I like my meat and two veg.|
|“If you like Pork.” Says Prince with a smug expression on his face.||I’ve got a sausage to die for. And my veggies are pretty cool too. Chomp away!|
|“Hay Prince,” says Farley eagerly, “A pleasure doing business with ya.”||It’s a deal,|
Prince puts down the phone to Farley and immediately contacts 790.
|“Yo mama” says the robot head.||Hey, if I wasn’t into the dead bloke you could tickle my ear anytime!|
790 was up to some dastardly trick again, is it me or does he seem to be getting nastier and nastier? It seems that not only was the robot head plotting to get Xev back to Earth with Prince, but also had some very definite plans of it’s own. For instance: Farley picked the Island of Zig Zig as the scene for Xevivor because the computer kept coming up with the name – clearly 790 had some influence in this.
Then, to make matters worse, a whole load of fagot carrots wiz past the LEXX and head for a little island in the little blue planet.
790 manages to talk the lovely Xev into being the star of a game show that has lots of ‘hunky’ men fighting over her and the winner gets to spend all night bonking her brains out on live TV. Xev isn’t daunted by the voyeuristic aspect one little bit. She seems as eager to take part – wouldn’t you be if you were a love slave that hadn’t made love for 4000 years!
790 then begins to persuade the unlikely Stanley to act as one of the ‘wildcard’ male competitors. The robot head explains that he will be able to manipulate the computer and make sure that Stan not only gets picked, but that he wins the grand prize – a night of passion with Xev. Unsurprisingly, Stanley Tweedle agrees.
As Xev leaves for Earth, Stan follows on behind. Kai asks the security guard 4th class why he should want to go to Earth when he vowed never to set foot on the planet again. “I just changed my mind. You got a problem with that?” Stanley replies.
“The dead do not have problems.” Answers Kai.
“Oh, I wouldn’t agree with you there.” Replies Stan quietly as he leaves for Earth.
As the Moth nears the planet surface, Stanley can’t help but give a big smile.
Meanwhile, Farley is on the Island of Zig Zig he is chatting on the telephone to his Psychiatrist about a little problem he has with some ‘sick urges’. To make things worse, his attractive assistant has written his introductory comments for the show with lots of comments about ‘hunky blokes’. Farley is concerned that this makes him sound like a gay geezer.
He decides to ad-lib but not only does he use the same words but actually ads a little hip gyration for effect. He pauses momentarily as he suddenly realises what this must have looked like. Then he introduces Xev and the show begins.
The contestants are introduced and we see nine amply muscled dudes walk onto the beech. These geezers look very capable contestants indeed and they give you the impression that they are born winners. Xev notices this I think and her smile seems a little bit wider than normal. Of course us geezers weren’t worried one little bit – we all knew that they would each die painful and horrible deaths.
Xev takes a brief moment from welcoming the competitors to chat to Farley. She recognises him from the planet Fire and from an even earlier existence). “You were evil (in his other lives) and died in both of them.” She says.
“That’s right. I did die in a previous life.” Says Farley turning towards the camera, “On another network.” He smiles and walks off to meet with the contestants. Stanley waits with a red bag over his head a few metres away with the other wildcard contestants. Soon, the computer will decide which of them will join the other beefcakes.
Meanwhile, on the LEXX 790 admits to Kai that he has arranged for Stanley to win, but then they receive a communication from Dr. Longbore’s assistant (the geeky girly with the big spectacles). She excitedly tells Kai that they have located more information and artefacts concerning the Divine Order and she invites Kai over to examine them. She seemed very eager that he should do so. Kai agreed.
“When you arrive I’ll show it to ya. I’ll show you everything.” She says eagerly.
“I whish to come.” Says Kai innocently.
“Great. Me too.” Shouts the girly with the big specs enthusiastically.
Kai leaves for Earth. He can monitor the Xevivor show at Dr. Longbore’s laboratory. He asks 790 to stay on the ship until he returns.
On Zig Zig Stanley is picked to be the wildcard contestant. Xev is extremely annoyed! But there is little she can do about it. Worse still, and unbeknown to anyone else, the dreaded faggot carrots have arrived.
While Xev is prepared for the contest in her little tent, Farley tries to comfort her regarding the Tweedle problem, “Don’t worry about it toots….. his chances for thwacking your love thong …. are precisely zero.” Xev seems encouraged by this. “Look who he’s up against?” Farley continues, “Titans, chiselled Adonis’s, fine human slabs of rippled man-flesh pumping out their pungent testosterone musk causing a deep and powerful thrust. A thirst that can only be quenched when a pair of swarthy powerful arms takes you into their grasp and……. err….” He stops abruptly, realising that he was getting a little carried away.
The 1st challenge begins. Xev lets go of a balloon with a miniature basket containing a little Zig Zig chick. The balloons will land somewhere on the island and the first contestant to find and retrieve it will win.
Unfortunately, all the contestants (including Stanley) are confined in a makeshift Jail. The only way that they can escape is to climb a wall using ropes. The other dude manage the task easily (to the delight of Xev, Stanley is left behind languishing at the bottom, unable even to lift himself a few feet off the ground.
The contest winner is determined by a series of votes cast by each of the contestants. The person who wins the most votes is excluded from the contest. The winner of each challenge however, is granted immunity from the daily voting. Eventually, there will be only one person left.
As the contest begins, Stanley stand out like a sore thumb. His fellow contestants dislike him intensely and the first vote will most certainly eliminate him.
Farley’s attractive assistant eventually lets Stanley out of the cage and he runs off to join the rest of the contestants in locating the chicken. But Farley is in a tent talking to a Mistress Moonbeam. She tries to help him understand that he suffers his ‘urges’ because of something he has done in his past. She tells him to ‘listen to his inner child’. Farley sobs quietly.
Meanwhile, one of the hunky contestants finds the chicken in the basket and runs back to the base. He hears some strange noises and mistakenly stops to investigate. The baby chicken in the basket is unfortunately accompanied with vegetables (mechanical alien ones) and as he bends down to examine one of them, one of the faggot carrots runs up behind and gives him a vegetable surprise.
Stanley is close behind (erm.. I mean some distance away) and hears the screams of the unfortunate contestant. Strangely, instead of heading in the opposite direction, he walks towards the noise and in doing so, finds the chicken in the basket.
The other contestants have returned empty handed and Farley takes a moment to chat with Xev about his past lives. She tells him that he was very sneaky and liked to kill people, but as far as she was aware, he wasn’t gay.
Then Stan returns with the chick and presents his finding to Xev and Farley. Xev glares at him angrily for a moment before taking the cute little baby chicken her hand. Then she eats it! And growls a cluster lizard growl at Stanley. Farley looks at her with a bemused expression, then turns to the camera, “We’ll be right back.” He says as the camera cuts away to a commercial.
Kai arrives at Dr. Longbore’s lab to find Tina, the eager girl with the big specs. Kai chats with Longbore and keeps an eye on the show while the material on the Divine Order is prepared upstairs.
On the island, Farley decides to fix the voting so that contestant number nine is voted out. The geezer hadn’t returned from the contest and it seemed the tidiest solution.
On the first floor of the laboratory, the bespectacled girly presents Kai with information concerning the Divine Order. She also intimates that she has something else to show him. She presents a film about Transylvania and snuggles up to him. Tina tells him how she is a virgin, saving herself for someone special. Then, as she kisses his neck…… Kai ignores her and notices a strange character on the film. He asks for more information about vampires. He firmly but politely rejected Tina’s advances as he’s done with so many disappointed women all over the two universes.
On Zig Zig, the contest continues. The challenge is to retrieve an item of Xev’s underclothing from some place on the Island. Stanley manages to fine a pair of knickers (panties) but two more contestants suffer intrusions from faggot carrots. When Stanley returns to the base he finds Farley in communication with the Chief TV Dude about the missing personnel. Apparently, members of the crew have also disappeared.
The TV Exec is not concerned. The TV show ratings have gone through the roof and he isn’t interested in hearing anything negative about the show.
The votes are cast and the two contestants who disappeared were eliminated. Everyone had apparently voted for Stan, but 790 manipulated the voting machine. Everyone is upset with the result – especially Xev. There are interviews later and all talk about how much the hate Stanley Tweedle. The choice of words used to describe the Security Guard Class 4 were innovative especially the word ‘Wanker’ which was one of the few words not beeped out of the scene (it is a slang word for someone who masturbates). Rarely do you see so many choice words in a sci fi episode – another sci fi first for the people at Salter Street.
Back at Longbore’s laboratory, the girly with the big specs (Tina) is determined to give her all to the dead dude. She tries to snuggle up to him. 790 however spots the advances from a monitor camera and communicates via a computer on the desk. He jealously asks that Kai kill the girly (which Kai refuses) and then, in an attempt to get Kai away from her, confesses that he rigged the show on Zig Zig Island and also that he rigged the location because the island is infested with alien probes.
Kai asks, “What type of alien probes.”
“I don’t know,” Replies 790, “Evil ones.” He adds impatiently. “They’ve come to this planet to find out what tastes good, then transmitting the results back to some mother ship off in space somewhere. So who cares, as long as they kill Stan and Xev!”
As Kai rushes off and Tina tells 790 that he’s awful. “Just protecting my interests, bitch.” It replies.
Back on the Island, it’s day three and the challenge is to shoot the contestants with pain guns. Stanley is the first to get show (by one of the people on his own team). But they also run into one of the contestants that were interfered with by a faggot carrot. Stan’s team-mate dies and Stan runs off.
At Longbore’s lab, Kai asks 790 to patch their computer system into all the TV cameras on the Island. He also manages to take over the speaker system where he warns Stan and Xev to leave the Island as soon as possible. Then he takes off in a Moth.
Farley communicates the trouble on the Island to his boss who still remains unmoved. As far as he’s concerned, the whole world is watching his network, they could watch Xevivor or they could watch loads of blokes being killed by mechanical carrots – he doesn’t care which.
Stan and Xev try to hide but 790 communicates with the faggot carrots to hunt them out. Contestants and crew that have been taken over by the aliens join the search.
Stan runs into Farley, but finds that the host dude is one of them. “Hello handsome,” Says Farley, “I wanna taste you’re meat.” Stan runs off.
Xev hears Stanley’s scream and turns into a Cluster Lizard round ball type of thing and manages to locate him. They cower against the backdrop of the ocean as the fagot carrots and possessed people advance. Farley suddenly calls, “Bad boat, Bad Boat.”
In the background is a small boat where a couple innocently preparing a carrot salad using a food processor. The aliens ignore Stan and Xev for a moment and attack the boat. The couple pause for a moment to look at Kai’s Moth arrive on the Island, then they are attacked by flying carrots – not so much killed as massacred!
Kai has arrived in the nick of time again. They fly off into the sunset. “I am interested in visiting a place called Transylvania.” Say’s Kai dismissing their warm praise for saving their lives. “There may be someone there that fate would have me meet.”
“That’s fine by me,” Says Stan. “It can’t be any worse than the place we just came from can it…… Can it?” He asks unknowingly.
And with Kai’s silence, this very cool show ends. Excepting the silly carrot massacre ending, this show was magnificent.
I’d rate it a walloping 41, 263 out of 10. What did you think?
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission
The LEXX names, characters, pictures and everything else associated with the series are the property of SALTER ST FILMS & TiMe Film-und TV-Produktions GmbH in association with Screen Partners. All rights reserved.
Some of the Vidcaps scanned in by thefrey
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