Red Dwarf: Characters: Talkie Toaster
Talkie Toaster is a monstrously cool mechanical devise used for making toast. Innocent enough, you might think, but the Red Dwarf Toaster will drive you completely bonkers by continually asking, “Would you like some toast?“
It’s was made by Crapola Incorporated and has a recommended retail price of 19.95 dollar-pounds. It’s made in Taiwan and comes complete with an artificial intelligence chip (the K177). If you were to meet Toastie in a pub, it would be faulty. Some drunk would have poured beer in the toast slots and it would offend your partner by asking, “Would you like some testicles?“
It has an intelligence interface, which allows it to talk to crewmembers, but it is obsessed with the production of toast for anyone in the local vicinity. So much so, that it would annoy you within seconds.
It can sing … badly… and was once herd to complain when Lister hit it after a particularly bad rendition of ‘Fly me to the Moon,’ “Ouch! Blatant abuse of electrical machinery – Toasters have feeling too you know!” It lied. This toaster is amoral!
The toaster is persistent, is apt to remind crewmembers of the last time they had toast, and when you objected (and you surely would), it would become defensive and say, “What’s the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you never want any toast?! I toast therefore I am.”
He drove Lister to distraction and was beaten to death with a mallet! After bing rebuilt in a later episode, Toasty accused Lister of “First Degree Toastercide.”
It’s most infuriating catch phrase however is, “How-de-doodlee-do! Toastie Toaster’s the name and Toasting’s the game. Would anyone like any toast?“
Toastie Toaster was used to help restore Holly’s IQ by Kryten when he engaged in an experiment in intelligence compression. Kryten managed to restore the Toasters AI chips using the Intelligence Compression technique but at the expense of reducing the Toasters operational lifetime. They decided to try the same on Holly…. With disastrous consequences.
Despite it’s infuriating infatuation with all things ‘bready’, I miss Toastie, we haven’t seen it for such a long time.
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This Character review is © 1999 – 2019 Tony Fawl.
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