Holly continues his introduction…. “We have enough food to last 30,000 years. But we only have one After Eight Mint left, and everyone is too polite to take it.”
“What did I do?”
“You hummed maliciously!” He said.
Rimmer continues to mention Lister’s foibles and jokes, like the time he replaced Rimmer’s toothpaste with contraceptive jelly!. Lister explains that it wasn’t all one way way, like the time when he tied Lister’s hair to the bedpost and sounded the fire alarm.
Rimmer concludes that it was Lister who held him back all these years. At that point Rimmer2 enters and checks that Rimmer1 has everything he needs. “Everything tickety boo?” he asks. “Absolumont Mr Rimmer, I’ll be along lickety-split!” They salute and Rimmer2 walks out.
The Cat walks down the corridor, “I’m looking so good today, If I looked any better, I’d be illegal!” He’s dressed sharply and has a megaphone. He tries calling to all the Lady Cats that might be around, that he is available.
In Lister’s quarters, we find Lister enjoying his newfound freedom. He is now able to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, leave his socks on the floor and even have the bottom bunk now that Rimmer has moved. He spots a videotape of Rimmer’s Death and asks Holly to play it for him. He settles down with some popcorn to watch.
The tape begins with a moving commentary of Rimmer reading poetry and explaining how he was a knat’s wing away from greatness, how he was held back by people like Lister, and how he had not had the breaks he deserved. Next we see the final moments of Rimmer’s and indeed every other crewmembers life.
Captain Hollister is telling Rimmer that he did sloppy work fixing the Drive plate. Rimmer accepts full responsibility. Then suddenly there is an explosion and Rimmer is blown across the room. As he lies there dying, he utters the words, “Gespatcho Soup” (this is a take-off of Citizen Kane’s Rosebud).
Lister is bored of the recording and turns it off. His puzzles over the words Gespatcho Soup and wonders about their significance.
Meanwhile, the two Rimmer’s are exercising in their quarters. one is ready to give up, but the other pushes that little bit harder. “You wanted me to push you Arnold” he says. He pushes a little too much. Arnold also agrees to get up at 4.30 every morning AND do an extra couple of hours revision before he goes to bed. It’s already 2am.
Rimmer is pleased to agree. “This is what I always dreamed of! I’m in heaven.” He says. “Better than sex,” adds Rimmer2. (And I thought I was sad!)
Next day, Lister catches up with Rimmer and the Skutters. It’s 5am and Rimmer is supervising the skutters painting the corridor a different shade of grey. Lister asks how Mrs Rimmer is getting along. “What do you talk about?” He asks. Rimmer tells him that they talk about all sorts of things. Lister then asks, “What’s Gespatcho Soup?”
Lister sneaks into Rimmer’s quarters and finds his diary. He finds out that November 26th is Gespatcho Soup day! Six weeks before the death of the ships crew.
The next scene is one of the classic Red Dwarf scenes! Lister is playing a ‘who can blow the biggest bubblegum bubble’ game.
Holly appears, “Busy Dave?” He asks.
“Yes I am actually Holly.” Says Lister.
“Oh, then you won’t want to know about the two supra-light-speed fighters that are tracking us.” Ads Holly rather matter-of-factly.
“They are from Earth.” Continues Holly “From the NORWEB Federation.”
“North West Electricity Board” (an electricity utility company based in the North West of England). “The want you Dave.” Holly adds solemnly.
“Me. Why, what for?” asks a worried Lister.
“For your crimes against humanity……..It seems that when you left earth three million years ago, you left two half eaten German Sausages on a plate in your kitchen…. Do you know what happens to sausages that have been left unattended for three million years?”
“Yes,” replied Lister, “The go mouldy.”
“Your sausages Dave, now cover seven eighths of the Earth’s surface…..Also you left Seventeen Pounds 50 in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the Earth’s wealth and because you hoarded it for 3 million years, no-one has got any money except for you and NORWEB!”
“Why NORWEB?” says Lister.
“You left a light on in the bathroom.” Explains Holly. “I’ve got a final demand (bill) here for £180,000,000,000.”
“Yer kidding!” Exclaims a shocked Lister.
Then we see a Groucho mask on Holly’s face, “April fool.” He says.
“But its not April the 1st?” says Lister.
“Yeah I know, but you don’t think I could wait six months with a red-hot joke like tat under me belt do you.”
Next door. Rimmer and Rimmer have a lovers tiff. one is being very nasty indeed to the other. Rimmer! Goes to Lister’s quarters and asks if he can sleep there.
Next day, Lister and the Cat are watching Citizen Kane in the Cinema. Rimmer1 enters just before Rimmer2. Rimmer2 sits right in front of Rimmer1. Rimmer1 responds by sitting in front of Rimmer2.
Lister has had enough. He tells the two Rimmer’s that one of them has to go! He “ippy-dippy’s” to decide which one must go. Rimmer1 is chosen. Lister gives him ten minutes before he switches him off. I was almost feeling sad!
Ten minutes later Rimmer! Appears in the Drive room dressed in his parade uniform and medals (3, 6, 9, and 12-year service medals). He waits forlornly to be switched off. Lister lets Holly give Rimmer1 a number of holographic whiskey’s and then asks, “So what’s all this Gespatcho Soup business about?”
“I suppose that now I’m doomed, I can tell you,” says Rimmer1 reluctantly. “Gespatcho Soup, it was the greatest night of my life! I’d been invited to the Captains Table. I’d only been with the company 14 years. Six officers and me, they called me Arnold! We had Gespatcho Soup for starters. I didn’t know that Gespatcho Soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! (you can just imagine the scene can’t you) He DID! The looks on their faces still haunt me today. I thought they were laughing at the chef, hen all the time they were laughing at me! As I ate my piping hot Gespatcho Soup! I never ate at the Captains Table again. That was the end of my career.”
Lister was almost moved by this confession and tries to console Rimmer1. But Rimmer is inconsolable. He talks about his bad breaks, the ‘Nobby parents’ he never had and the fact that if they had told him about Gespatcho Soup in Basic Training, he might be an admiral by now.
Cat is becoming impatient. “Is this gonna go on all day. I thought he was gonna get wiped!”
“Yeah! Go on wipe me, turn me off, go on!” says Rimmer1
“I’ve already done it,” says Lister. “I wiped the other one.”
The Cat laughs.
Lister tells Rimmer that he wanted to find out about Gespatcho Soup. Rimmer is mortified (or as mortified as you can be when you are dead!). He realises that Lister will now make his life miserable with Gespatcho Soup jokes. Lister promises that he will never again mention it (yeah right!).
Rimmer seems to accept this and invites Lister for a drink. Cat follows on behind, “Souper.” He says, Rimmer looks back. He realises that you can still make fun of the story without actually having to mention the words Gespatcho Soup!
And there the episode ends. This was nicely crafted. We are now starting to see the characters interact a little better with each other. And the Holly Joke was just wonderful! The next series would be even better!
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This episode review is © 1999 – 2019 Tony Fawl.
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