Welp! I’m sure all you Goth babes out there welcomed this episode with open mouths. And it certainly didn’t disappoint me! This was another tightly performed episode, which was well written and directed. This show will probably be remembered for the Xev bath scene rather than the excellent performances from the heavyweight actors (Lionel Jeffries, John Standing and Peter Guinness) and other the supporting cast.
Who cares! It was still a ripping yarn.
The show opened with our heroes’ in a Moth headed for Transylvania. Stanley didn’t look quite as badly injured as he was when he began the journey and the conversation sure wasn’t cheering him up either. Stan wanted to go back to the LEXX and leave. “How come you are so motivated to do this?” He asks Kai.
But Xev is keen for Kai to ‘have his fun’ and when they reach Transylvania, she lands the moth at the nearest open clearing. Kai, Xev and Stanley find that the nearby wood is infested with bats. Kai explains that several varieties are known to feed on the blood of large animals.
Stanley doesn’t have much time to complain before he is attacked by some of the bats. They eventually spot a small hamlet on the edge of the forest. Kai has a picture of the building he wants to visit and of all the places they had to visit, this one exactly where he wanted to be.
Xev and Stanley follow the lucky dead dude. He leads them to a small Inn. There are a few customers huddled around a few tables. They stop and turn around to look at the newcomers.
Eventually an old priest walks over to Kai and says, “Leave here. This is still a place of God. This is still a place of Light.” The old dude holds up a cross at Kai’s face. Wow! Cool to see Lionel Jeffries!
Kai takes the cross from the old mans hand, “Thank you for your gift.” He says appreciatively.
Kai explains that he has come to find out who lives in the castle. Xev makes for the barman (another heavyweight actor called Peter Guinness (Gregor in Alien’s 3)) and mentions that she would like to take a bath, “To wash all this nasty dirt from my naked, aching body.”
The barman, justifiably excited about the prospect, suggests to the Priest that they stay a few minutes longer. “The bats will have settled in a few minutes.” He tells the old Priest. Xev is led to a room where she can bathe. They are overlooked by three Goth girlies.
As she settles in her nice warm bath, Stanley takes a strong drink from the barman. He was being softened up so that the barman could ask about Kai. “Your friend.” He says, “Lacks colour.”
“He lacks colour because he’s dead.” Replies Stan.
Kai is approached by the old Priest, Father Borscht. “I asked you to leave. We don’t want your kind here.” He says timidly.
“You seem to believe that I’m something that I am not.” Replies Kai.
“Oh, I believe in many things and….. I know who you are.” Retorts Borscht. He goes on to explain that he once met the master when he was a young man. (He referred to the master as an it). When Kai asked where the master could be found, Father Borscht replied, “The master can never be found. The master finds you.”
Some frames from this scene were cut.
Xev continues to take a bath in her room, when suddenly three young Goth girlies enter and one of them leans over the bath and dangles a rat by its tail in front of Xev’s face. Xev isn’t frightened one little bit. Instead, she eats it – swallows it whole, except for the tail, which dangles mutely from the corner of her mouth.
“You absolute bitch!” Says one of the Goth girls. “You ate my rat!”
“I’m Sorry.” Says Xev meekly. “Erm… Xev. Xev Bellringer.” She says by way of an apology.
The three girls introduce themselves as Muffy, Davinia and Mandragora. They are on a package holiday (judging from their accents, from England). They ask where Xev is from and she tells them that she’s from the Light Universe. They also ask about Kai, “The man in Black is also so much (more) us.”
“If you like the dead.” Says Xev smugly.
“We do.” They reply eagerly.
In the bar, Kai is told all about the Master by Father Borscht. It seems that the old dude doesn’t know much, but what he does know, he passes onto Kai. He now realises that Kai isn’t like the erm… normal undead…. I guess he thinks he’s a different sort of dead and that for some strange reason it’s all right. He passes Kai a piece of paper with a drawing that seemed completely bloody useless. Kai on the other hand looked thoughtful.
Stanley was stood at the bar as Xev and the three gold chicks came back in. He was very impressed with her new costume (the local garb) but his praise was short lived when Kai suddenly got up and walked off. Xev followed him outside. She tried to persuade him that she could help him with whatever he had to do. He explained that she could not (but Xev went along anyway). They left Stanley drinking alone at the bar.
Stan was drunk and he was also getting hungry. He pleaded with the barman to give him something to eat. All the barman could help with was, “On Walpurgis Night (tonight) a great feast is prepared at the castle.”
“Well,” says Stan, “That’s where I’m going.”
“Tel me.” Replies the barman. “Have you ever heard of vampires?”
“Erm. No” Replies Stanley drunkenly.
“The peasants believe that all vampires are immortal, damned, the cursed of this land. It’s hardly something an educated man believes in these days. But still, it’s a brave man that takes up an invitation to dine at Count Dracul’s castle on Walpurgis Night.” Explains the barman.
Stanley tells him that he is very brave… at certain times, in certain circumstances. And the barman helps fortify his bravery by giving Stanley some advise on how to ward off vampires. He explains that a vampire’s image cannot be seen in a mirror and that garlic and a crucifix will help him ward off a vampire attack.
But Stanley dismisses the advice of the barman saying that he didn’t need any of that stuff. The barman continues to explain that he believes the Count to be nothing more than an old drunk and that the legend of vampires is nothing more than a nonsense.
But Father Borscht interjects. “I am a ruined old drunk, and it’s no nonsense.” He says as he leaves.
“Ok, so who do I believe.” Asks Stanley.
“Believe me.” Insists the barman. “Because my family have hunted vampires for generations. Believe me, because I came to Vorger seeking to claim my birthright as destroyer of the Dracul and found nothing but smoke and mirrors and peasants living in the shadow of ancient superstitions. Believe me because my name is Joseph Van Helsing.” Concluded the barman. Barman?! Why not a doctor or an undertaker or something?
Stanley decides to ignore the advice and asks to take some of the tokens, “… just to be on the safe side.”
Outside, Xev and Kai hear a scream and rush to its source to find a pool of blood and Father Borscht’s crucifix on the ground. A group of villagers are standing around – including the three Goth girlies. “It looks like we’re in for some action girls.” Says Muffy (Her name is a reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer don’t you think? – a disrespectful one :-).
The barman still believes it’s all smoke and mirrors. Just then a weird looking young dude drives up. He gets out of the car and asks Van Helsing if he wants to dine with the Count tonight. Van Helsing declines but the three Goth babes, Xev, Stanley and Kai all accept – all for different reasons!
The weird looking young dude (called Renfield) drives them to Count Dracul’s castle. Xev sits in the front of the car. on the back seat, Kai is nestled in between the three Goth babes and poor Stanley sits on his own on the opposite side. The girls mention that Kai reeks of death. They become even more excited when he tells them that he’s killed many people (bragging again).
“Would you kill me?” Asks Davinia.
“I’m sure he’d rather kill me instead.” Says Mandragora.
“And how many people have you killed Mister Tweedle.” Asks Mandragora sarcastically.
“Oh,” replies Stanley. “I lost count after I blew up my first planet.” He says truthfully.
Kai is asked if he likes to get up close and personal when he kills. And sure enough, he followed the exact instructions of His Divine Shadow. “Sometimes I killed very slowly to draw out the suffering.”
The girls are, by now, writhing around the back seat in an excited fashion what is it with you Goth girlies and blood?! “Do you have a special way Mr Tweedle.” Asks Davinia.
“I have a special way to do…… everything.” He replies trying to look sexy and failing miserably.
At this point Kai feels the urge to hand Stanley a small sausage shaped gadget. It certainly seemed a very unfriendly gesture – but wait, it would get worse! Stanley asks what it is. “An ocarina. When blown correctly it should imitate the mating call of a Moth.” Replies Kai, his stunning insult was delivered with customary deadpan innocence.
“Well thanks Kai, but I don’t find our Moths attractive in any way.” Said Stanley.
“Someday you may.” Replied Kai. He then went on to tell Stan that if he had a problem, Stanley should get Xev and return to the LEXX and blow up the planet immediately.
The car arrives and they get out – in fact Kai gets out of the car and fires his handy wrist gadget at the wall… then disappears. Renfield lets them in and the girls and Stanley are welcomed by the friendly face of Count Dracul. Stan asks about the feast and they are immediately shown to a table.
Now it has to be said that the Count is the most unlikely looking Dracula I’ve ever seen. For a start, he’s an old English b-movie comedy actor and has such a friendly disposition that he doesn’t look scary one little bit.
After the meal, everyone retires to their room, Stanley tells Xev that he thinks Count Dracul is a baddy and that he should protect the girls. But the girls just want to get the friendly Count into bed. Xev later meets with Kai and she learns that Kai is looking for a special super-assassin. He believes that there is another survivor from the Light Universe. A special, more powerful Assassin that was created to kill normal assassins (like Kai) who had malfunctioned. Kai turns his back for a moment as he explains, when suddenly; Xev disappears behind a moving stone wall.
Back in the bedrooms, Stanley finds that the Goth girlies are at Count Dracul’s Castle because they want to become Vampires.
Renfield finds Kai and tells him that he can show him the true origin of the myth of the Vampire. He takes Kai off to show him.
Meanwhile we find that Xev’s disappearance was a ruse to get the Count and Xev together in his bedroom. The Count, clearly expecting Xev to be frightened, offers her a drink of wine, which she accepts. “Do you want me.” She asks, “Because you can have me.” She continues eagerly.
But the count has drugged the wine and as Xev tells him that she’ll do anything he wants because she’s a love slave, she passes out on the bed. The Count suddenly looks very disappointed.
Stanley is still locked in a room with the three Goth babes. “Help. HELP.” He shouts as he bangs on the door. “I’m stuck in here with three girls wearing too much makeup who want somebody to suck their blood.”
With that, the door opens and Stanley is knocked against the wall. The Count enters menacingly and confronts Stanley. Stan is determined to save the girls weather they want to be saves or not. He confidently holds up his crucifix.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you Mr Tweedle.” Says the Count. “But that wont work on me this time.”
“Get with the plan Stan.” Says Muffy. “We invited him in so that destroys any power you had over him.”
Stan is backed up to the window and calls helplessly, “Don’t make me jump!”
“Jump!” Say the girls.
“Yes Jump.” Repeats the Count. “It’ll tenderise you. Is there anything else you’d like to try on me?”
“Yes.” Says Stanley desperately. Then he hunts around in his pocket for a sausage shaped gadget, finds it, and blows it vigorously – disgusting! It whistles!
The Moth hears the whistle and sets off in the direction of the sound. But before the Moth gets there, Muffy pushes Stan out of the window and is accidentally caught herself. As the both plummet to the ground, the Moth flies underneath them and saves Stan and Muffy from a mushy death. They fly back to the Inn.
Renfield tricks Kai into a chamber where a wall with protruding spikes moves forward. The door is closed and the wall crushes Kai and the spikes pierce his body and protrude through the opposing chamber door. Renfield giggles with delight.
The remaining Goth girls are not at all impressed with the way Dracul handles himself and prove that the Count is not a Vampire but taking out his false fangs. “You have de-fanged me.” He says with a hurt expression. He tells them that although he let Stanley go, he still has the girl, Xev.
“Mmmm,” Says Mandragora, “Yummy.” Coool!
The girls leave the embarrassed Count alone to go and look for Xev.
In the Inn, Stanley gets drunk on Booze and talks a complete load of drivel about how the Count should be stopped from taking the best meats from the land (and other things). He manages to insight a mob to go to the Castle and confront the Count. They all leave (including Muffy) …. All except Van Helsing. Stanley accuses him of being scared of Vampires. But Van Helsing tells him that he doesn’t think that vampires exist, but he still refuses to go into the Castle.
Xev is being entertained by Davinia and Mandragora while the Count enters the room where Kai is being held in a chamber. He begins a monologue about how magnificent he is and opens a hole in Kai’s chamber. Kai immediately shoots out his handy wrist gadget and manages to release himself.
“Oh bugger.” Says the Count.
Kai points his handy wrist gadget at the throat of the Count who reveals himself to be an actor. He’s not really a Count, but someone who was hired to play the part. He had also never met his employer.
The villagers led by Stanley Tweedle, reach the Castle and burst in. They quickly head for the main hall and enter the room where Kai is interrogating the Count. The young weird dude also enters and shoots the poor actor in the back with a crossbow.
“That wasn’t in my contract.” He says as he falls to the ground.
“Why did you shoot him.” Asks Kai dispassionately.
“Because he was a bad actor.” Replied Renfield trying to re-load his crossbow again. But Kai is too quick and he shoots Renfield dead.
Muffy walks over to the body and smiles briefly. I don’t think she was smiling at the death of Renfield, but at the way he died. Then she calls out, “Sisters.”
In Xev’s bedroom the other two Goth girls stroke and caress the half-cluster-lizard (and still fully clothed) body. When they hear Muffy, they leave abruptly. Xev opens her eyes and disappointedly finds her prospective lovers have left.
In the great hall, Muffy asks Kai if it hurt him being in the chamber with the spikes through his body. “It was a very penetrating experience.” Replied the dead dude (but the dead don’t joke?)
Muffy rubs her fingers over the spikes and rubs her fingers together lightly. It seems that the spikes are still coated with protoblood.
Muffy then turns her attention to Stanley. She thanks him for rescuing her and offers a reward – in her bedroom. Stanley follows on eagerly behind as she leads him away.
When they get to the bedroom, Muffy takes off her dress to reveal a tattoo on her side. It’s shaped like the LEXX symbol. Stanley approaches her expectantly.
In the hallway we see that Xev has changed back into her lovely leather blue costume and she walks bouncily towards the door with Kai. In the background she can hear the pleasurable groans and also him calling out the word ‘twisted’. She assumes that Stanley is having a good time and tells this to Kai.
As they near the door, they hear the other two girls calling, “Bye bye.” They say.
Xev and Kai turn to face them and they are soon joined by Muffy. “Smell my fingers.” She says to the other girls quietly. (As you do!?)
Xev and Kai watch patiently as Mandragora says, “Time to show the queen bitch.”
At this point Stanley joins them. “That was quick.” Calls Xev to Stanley.
“I’m not finished yet, but I soon will be.” He says. “Promise.” Then he is led away by Davinia.
Later, after Xev and Kai return to the Inn, a bolt of lightening strikes a large metallic LEXX symbol somewhere in the Castle and the symbol opens. It hides a deep, deep shaft leading to a chamber. In this chamber lies a cryogenic case, rather like Kai’s.
The three Goth babes enter and open the chamber. We can’t see who is in it, but the voice is female. “I am weak. Why have you awakened me?” She asks.
“Renfield has just been lost.” Says Mandragora.
“Then you must replace him. You do not need me to do that.” Says the lady in the cryochamber.
“We have replaced him.” Says Muffy sweetly. “We awoke you to tell out mistress that we have served her well…… Very, very well.” She adds as she rubs a little of Kai’s protoblood on the woman/things lips.
“More.” Says the dead woman
“We can get you more.” Says Stanley as he enters the room. “We can get you all you need.”
And there the show ends! What a whopping episode. Full of mystery and intrigue and weirdness. A Goth LEXX episode that was very successfully executed!
I’d have to rate this a huge 41, 913.
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This episode review is © 1999-2019 Tony Fawl.
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