Red Dwarf: S06E02: Legion

This episode is my favourite Red Dwarf episode (yep, another perfect score incoming!). The show opens with Kryten telling Rimmer that they are still lagging behind Red Dwarf. They are almost 24 hours behind. He also reports that there is hardly any food left on Starbug and all that he can prepare for Lister is Space Weevil!

Lister hands control of the ship over to Cat. Cat is sick of the untidiness of the cockpit and, by way of an example, points to the peanuts that Lister has left down the back of the seat. “They’re not peanuts,” says Lister, “I’ve been trimming my varookas!”

Cat accuses Lister of having habits that would make a monkey blush. “You really think I’m disgusting don’t you?” Lister accuses. “They’re peanuts ok!”

Slightly relieved, the Cat puts one in his mouth. “I got them from the dead Captains Donkey Jacket a couple of months ago.” Says Lister. The Cat grimaces. “Don’t look at me like that,” Lister adds, “You liked that mint imperial didn’t you.”

“Where did you get that?” asks the Cat.

“He was sucking that when he got shot – I had to prize his mouth open with a car jack!” Answers Lister.

Lister was of course joking. I think! The Cat notices that there is a ‘big swirly thing’. It isn’t on the radar yet but he can smell it. Rimmer asks that they go onto Blue alert but Lister tells him that there is no need. All the people that need to be alerted are already there.

Rimmer reminds everyone of Space Corps Directive 34124.  Kryten tells everyone what it is, “No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.” He says.

Suddenly a missile hits Starbug and encases it in some sort of force field. The field then drags the ship toward a very advanced looking space station.  Kryten tries to find out about the station and learns that it is a Military Installation, which, at one time, housed such great scientists as Hildager, Davereax, Quail and Holder.  The four consider what items they may be able to salvage. The station is apparently unmanned.

Once they are on-board, Kryten picks up a life reading on his scanner, suddenly a silky smooth male voice says, “Welcome my friends, it is many centuries since I last had visitors.”   He introduces himself as Legion.  He then grabs Rimmer’s Light drive and converts it from a soft light drive to a hard light mechanism that now allows Rimmer to feel and touch things.  He effectively has a body!  With such a body, Rimmer can do almost anything a human can do with the added bonus that he is practically indestructible.

He notices that Lister is on the verge of Peritonitis and suddenly takes a laser scalpel and extracts his appendix! This geezer is miraculous!   Legion then takes them to dinner.  As he does so, he shows them around.  He has a very artistic nature and keeps a very clean ship.  The crew are all very impressed.  Legion leaves to prepare the food.

They all decide to try and make Legion come with them.  With a crewmember such as he, they would surely be able to reach Earth very quickly indeed.  When Legion returns they attempt to show that the crew of Red Dwarf are not a bunch of morons and that they would be equitable companions.  Eventually they ask him to join them.

As they do so they try to eat using a pair of sophisticated Mimosian Anti Matter Chopsticks. only Kryten is able to use them and the others hilariously attempt to eat with disastrous consequences. Items of food are sent hurling across the room until Legion senses that they are trying (in vain) to impress him. Rimmer eloquently asks, “Legion, may I be frank. It’s not often that we meet an individual who could improve are already, pretty damned-fine top-notch team. But in you, we feel we have. In all our travels we have met precisely 31, 3,1 individuals and we’ve never felt moved to invite a single one to join us. True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether, but nevertheless, they still weren’t what we would consider, the right stuff. We feel that you are different. We feel that you, like us, have the courage and dignity to make it, as a Dwarfer!”

Legion is moved by Rimmer’s eloquence but he is unable to leave the confines of the station.  Kryten tells Legion that they must therefore bid him farewell as they have a long journey ahead of them. “Nonsense,” replies Legion, “You have no journey at all. I insist that you stay here with me. You will be my honoured guests until the day you die!”

Rimmer whispers, “32”

Legion shows each drew member to their quarters. Each is superbly kitted out with everything they might ever want. Legion also tells Lister that there is a cyber park on one of the decks that will allow him to visit any time period with any person he might desire.  Lister is impressed but we all notice that Legion begins to grow weak slightly. He tells Lister that he will be able to see his companions in the morning. Legion must leave – the other guests are falling asleep.

Next morning, the crew all meet for breakfast. They all report that their quarters are superb. Lister comments, “When I finally get round to writing my good psycho guide, this place is gonna get raves! Accommodation; excellent, food; first class, resident nutter; courteous and considerate. Psycho rating has got to be four and a half chain saws at least. Highly recommended”

Thy each work out that their presence there has in some way managed to revive Legion. Lister has a plan to ambush Legion. It fails, but it does manage to knock Legions face off.  His face reveals a composite of each of the crew members. Kryten guesses that Legion is, “A Gestalt entity, not a single creature but a composite of individuals melded together to form one.“

Legion is Kryten’s, Rimmer’s, Cat’s and Lister’s minds all blended together. He is more powerful because ‘the sum is greater that the individual parts’. “Without you my friends, says Legion, “I am quite literally, nothing.”

It’s quite a lot worse than that however, Legion is also the composite of all their negative feelings, and he is capable of some quite insane behaviour. He demonstrates this by stabbing his hand.  The pain is felt by each of the crewmembers.

Legion explains that he was the product of the research of some of the finest scientific minds of the 23rd century.  They were researching collective intelligence and he was the result. Unfortunately, the scientists, being mortal, eventually died.

Kryten has an idea. He picks up a chair and hits Lister over the head, rendering him unconscious. He then does the same to Cat.  Rimmer is a little more difficult.  His hard light drive means that he can’t knock him out. Rimmer turns off his own light beam.

This leaves Kryten facing Kryten as Legion.  Since Kryten has no malice and is a subservient droid, Legion is compelled to assist Kryten remove the unconscious crewmembers back to Starbug.  He does so… erm…. subserviently.  Kryten also asked if there were items aboard the station which might assist them in their search for Red Dwarf.

Later, after Starbug escapes Legions Space Station. Each of the crewmembers are revived and they each help to secure a Star Drive to Starbugs engine room.  Unfortunately, the drive works ok, but is was not fixed properly and breaks through the ships hull and escapes!

The episode ends as they all try to stop themselves being sucked out of the hole left in the hull.

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This episode review is © 1999 – 2019 Tony Fawl.
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