Red Dwarf: S06E04: Emohawk: Ploymorph II
This show opens with Rimmer trying to get the ships crew to scramble on a Red Alert. It’s only a practice of course, but no-one is co-operating (Lister has an extra piece of toast and Cat was too busy drying his hair). It took one hour, seventeen minutes and 39 seconds.
The crew settle down to listen to Rimmer explain how his professional approach will help them in their search for Red Dwarf. That, and a proper hair cut! “I have got hair like yours,” says Cat, “Just not on my head!” and to the sideways glances of the others, Rimmer goes on to explain, “….. every major battle in history has been won by the shortest haircut!”
Suddenly Cat smells something in space. “My nostril hairs are shimmying faster than a grass skirt on a fat Hawaiian Hoopla champion!” The scanner still shows nothing. Rimmer suddenly decides to invoke Space Corps Directive 68250.
“68250,” says Kryten, “But sir, that’s impossible without at least one live chicken and a Rabi….. I’m very happy to perform the ceremony, but I’m absolutely bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry might clear up the screen problem.”
Cat’s smell is justified when a Police Space pod (Space Corps External Enforcement Vehicle) appears far too close to Starbug for comfort. “He’s too damned close, that power surge will toss us around like we’re a bead of sweat in an aerobic teachers buttock cleavage!” Shouts an annoyed Lister.
It causes some minor damage and then sends a rather garbled message telling them that they are charged with looting derelict spaceships. The penalty for this is death. They decide to run, “Plot a course for scarper city!” exclaims Lister.
Lister determines that they are seven clicks away from the GELF (Genetically Engineered Life Form) Zone. He is convinced that the Police wouldn’t follow them in there. The rest of the crew seems to agree with Lister’s decision though Rimmer can’t help but point out that, “GELF’s are untrustworthy scavengers with no regard for life, law or property…. Lister, you’ve heard the stories, they skin human beings alive and turn them into beanbags. Unless you want a triple buttocked GELF sitting on your face for the rest of eternity, and probing your crevices for lost forks and biro’s, I suggest you re-think!”
They try to escape the laser fire of the Police ship, but they suffer a direct hit. It forces them to land on a GELF planet. Damage to Starbug is extensive, however most of it can be repaired by the automatic repair system. The only item that can’t be repaired is the Oxygen Generation Unit (OGU).
The only option is to attempt to trade with one of the GELF’s. They are in luck, the Kinotowawi GELF’s, while not exactly friendly, are probably the most likely of all the GELF’s to want to trade. They make their way to the nearest GELF settlement.
Sure enough, the GELF’s do have an OGU but they do not want the trinkets offered, instead they want Lister! In fact they want Lister to marry the chiefs elder daughter. The only way that they will be able to secure the OGU and leave the planet, is for Lister to go ahead and sacrifice himself. His prospective bride is absolutely as ugly as you can imagine – very hairy and more than a little chubby. I particularly like the way she speaks with a deep male voice.
Cat notices the strange looking creature being petted by the Chief. Kryten explains, “It’s an Emohawk, a Polymorph that is spayed at birth and half domesticated. It’s trained to change shape at its owner behest. Like all Polymorphs, it has the ability to steel emotions from living creatures. Emotions are a highly valued trading commodity.”
Lister refuses to marry the GELF, but is persuaded to marry her by an insistent Cat, Kryten and Rimmer. They hatch a plan to do a runner in the morning after the wedding. After the wedding, later that night, Lister just can’t manage to spend his honeymoon night with the hairy-warty-eight-foot-yeti that is his wife!
He does a runner almost immediately and the four of them head back to Starbug. Lister’s wife complains to her father, “He’s left me on my wedding night! Men, They’re all bastards!”
Her father is VERY angry, “They have stolen the OG Unit. No-one steals from the Kinitawowi!” He sends the Emohawk after them, “Go my beauty. Feast on their emotions. Drain them dry!” He sets the ugly little monster after them.
It poses as Lister’s hat and manages to get on the ship with the crew. They are all unaware of this of course. The Emohawke’s first victim is Cat. While posing as a can of beans, it suddenly springs out its emotion draining tentacle and sucks cat’s cool and style. Yes, you’ve guessed it. DWAYNE DIBBLY Rides again!!
Next is Rimmer. Rimmer tries to communicate with Lister and Kryten in the Engine Room but the Emohawk was posing as the microphone. The polymorph sucks out Rimmer’s bitterness, his negativity and slurps out all his snideyness. Rimmer the git turns into the great Ace Rimmer! (wadda guy). The Emohawk then wonders off to look for Lister and Kryten.
Ace confronts Dwayne about the problem. He has a plan that will mean their certain death, “But it’s a small price to play to save our chummies eh?” Ace says with his customary cool bravado.
“What a guy” is all Dwayne can manage.
Ace then seals in Lister and Kryten. He fires the hydraulic locks so that the Emohawk can’t get into the Engine Room. Ace’s plan is to attempt to flush out the Emohawk by opening the airlock and sucking it out into deep space. Unfortunately Cat and himself would also be victims. He tells is plan to Kryten and Lister via the communications link. “But sir,” Kryten argues with Ace, “If we could capture the creature, we could extract the DNA strands and turn you back.”
“Too risky.” Replies Ace, “Besides, I don’t think I could bare becoming HIM again. Smoke me a Kipper, I’ll be back for Breakfast.” Then the screen goes blank. Kryten and Lister immediately resolve to free themselves and stop Ace.
They blast their way through the airlock with the bazookoid. He burst through just as Ace is about to throw the switch. “Dave, you crazy fool! We’re all set to save yer bacon. There was no need for you to throw yer love spuds on the barbecue!” shouts Ace.
But Lister has a plan of his own. He holds under his arm a cylinder of Liquid Delinium. one squeeze of the trigger would freeze the creature and allow Kryten to get back Rimmer and Cat’s stolen emotions. The four of them chase the Emohawk into the Engine Room. It poses as Cat’s thermos flask and just as Cat manages to get the attention of the others, the Emohawk changes into a grenade. The grenade is thrown to the ground and Lister zaps it with some Liquid Delinium. The Emohawk is frozen solid.
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