Stargate Atlantis: S01E01: Rising
Okay… where to start. Hmm… It started out decent enough with the ancients (stupid name I think… I mean do they call themselves the ancients? probably not) leaving earth by blasting off in a city – I’m not making this up.
This happens apparently some 10 million years ago. And if I remember correctly they looked like a bunch of white homo sapiens. This probably doesn’t seem like a problem for most of you, but I like history, and Homo Sapiens Sapiens came from Africa probably around 140,000 BP (138,000 B.C.). And it appears that ‘racial’ trait differentiation emerged late in the evolution of Homo sapiens sapiens, perhaps only within the last ten or so thous
and years. The so-called ‘white’ racial traits appear to be a mix of African and Asian traits, with a ratio by continent of roughly 65% Asian and 35% African. So they should have looked either black, or some other variation. I woulda thought something like Native American would be cool. Course this doesn’t really matter. I can let it slide. Moreso if the ancients are a different species – I mean they don’t call themselves humans after all – it doesn’t really matter. I mean it is Humans and Ancients – so they are a different species.
Fast forward to Antarctica we are in a really fake looking base, not sure why I think that I just think it is really fake looking. We got this Irish dude (Carson Beckett M.D.?) I think he dies because he is only listed for two episode] in a chair trying to make it light up apparently he has a special gene in his body that makes him somehow related to the ancients – so what did the ancients inter-breed with humans long, long ago? – that allows him to use the technology and he succeeds and fires a missile. Alright that kinda works. The guy is funny. Then we are at O’Neill and umm… the new O’Neill (the new O’Neill is apparently named – Major John Sheppard. Anyways they are on there way to Antarctica – they easily avoid the missile).
New O’Neill is the only a good actor once in this episode and that is when he first sits in the ancient’s chair thingy because he looked like he just shat himself. He has the ancient’s gene – spiffy name.
Daniel Jackson discovers some coordinates that will allow the Stargate to connect with a gate in the legendary lost city of Atlantis. Fun times. Scary scientist lady (Dr. Elizabeth Weir) puts together a team for a trip through the gate that will take them farther than anyone has ever gone. STAR TREK TIME!!!!!!
Ok. So they need a bunch of power to go across the universe, 
and its a one way trip SCARY!. Scary looking scientist lady gives a speech telling everybody they gonna die.
They get there and realize they are in a fake looking Atlantis base underwater. The city was put underwater to protect it from a Wraith attack because, ya know scary bad guys, who can travel anywhere in the galaxy can’t get to you if you’re underwater.
Apparently they are running out of power and the dome is gonna collapse so they go through the gate to find some energy or something, and they reach another world with a bunch of people that speak ENGLISH! Am I the only one who is tired of aliens’ speaking english? Farscape had an excuse – they had translator microbes. Tripping the Rift was comedy. What is these guys’ excuse? And they wear clothes that look really fake looks like they are trying to be really bad looking Vikings or something. And they have a lady that acts like Spock except not as good – I bet she is gonna be a main character and love interest for O’Neill 2. Anyways they go into a cave, flirt, and talk about how the damn Wraith herd them up. I was hoping that maybe the Wraith used they guys for b
reeding purposes or something, but turns out they just eat them. Reminds me of the Morlocks from the Time Machine.
Eventually a bunch of mean alien ships appear and kidnap people cool ships – better than the race that owns them.
KICK INTO pilot for SG-1 where they first go to a alien planet and people get kidnapped and then they go rescue them do they really need to rehash the first episode of SG-1?.
Oh, yeah the whole plot about needing energy to survive in Atlantis was just stupid, it wasted an hour of time and the damn city rose up right before it was supposed to kill the damn people that would have been a great end.
O’Neill 2 fights with the scary scientist lady and they decide to rescue the people who were kidnapped. Why? Seriously. Why?
What is convenient is the spaceships they got in the Atlantis base I mean honestly what good are spaceships if you are underwater?. Turns out the Wraith (what the hell kinda of name is that? Its as good as the ancients) have a stargate floating in space. Coincidence? Probably.
Well the Wraith look like a bunch of cheap looking generic Sci-Fi/Horror bad guys. I mean the lady looks like a mix between Marilyn Manson and a inhabitant of Innsmouth from Shadow over Innsmouth and the Dagon movie. Bad Lady Wraith (TM) tries to seduce Colonel Marshall Sumner (Robert Patrick – the friggin T-1000) I swear that is what she was doing… it might be a fun story to tell in a bar “I banged a fish lady! Hey guys, where ya going?”
Also they will live forever and are hard to hurt. The cool Canadian scientist guy [Dr. Rodney McKay] tells us this – one of the only things he does except at the very beginning of the episode). This only works on Bad Lady Wraith (TM) or course. Her guards were like killed in one shot and she took at least a dozen. Oh. They speak English too that’s a mystery.
Also they happen to suck out people’s life energy. Life energy huh? I could understand maybe some form of bio-energy but they say life energy and [Robert Patrick] drains away and turns into a skeleton. WHY DID THEY KILL THE T-1000? Why? She uses some sorta anal cavity on her hand to do this. Could you imagine a hand job?
Well they rescue stupid spock lady and everything is fine. Yay. 
O’Neill-2 gets to kill a lot of Wraith, yay! Goddamn pussies. I bet I could whip them – and I suck ass. O’Neill 2 barely has time to get through the gate. once they do they land in Atlantis SGC and close they IRIS on the two gate – which is actually a cool looking gate.
INSERT BIG PARTY. YAY! It’s the end of Return of the Jedi, except shitty.
Then O’Neill 2 has a drink champaigne I think, with scary scientist lady… She says thanks… and other stuff that really isn’t important. 
Spock lady gives lots of advice or something and its the start of a shitty] series.
THE END – stay tuned for my next review. Not sure what I’m reviewing but stay tuned.
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