Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E06: Totally Recalled

Bob’s Opening Line- I’m in a happy place. I’m in a happy place.

Gus- Oh, this is such an honor.
Six- I thought we choose Whip.
Gus- You did. But it turns out. You have to be over 18 to qualify for the award.
Six- And who made that rule?
Chode- Who do you think?! Her majesty, queen gus.
Gus- Well…if nobody else appreciates me, at least I appreciate me.
Bob- You’ve got fucken Mail.
T’Nuk- Who would ever email you?
Chode- It’s all crap mail. Oh, no! A message from gramps.
Six- Benito’s still alive? He’s got to be ancient.
Chode- Yeah, you’re telling me. He was a veteran of the big bang! Last I heard he was cruising the galaxy in his space camper.
T’Nuk- What’s he look like? I happen to find older men really hot.
Chode- If only they felt the same way.
Six- Aren’t you going to open it? What if something happened to him?
Chode- Oh yeah, you’re right! Maybe he finally kicked the bucket, left me some dough!
Benito- Is this thing on? Hey there, Chode. It’s Grandpa. According to my onstar thingy, I’m almost in your neck of the galaxy. I figured I’d stop in and spend a few days. If it’s a problem, lemme know. Otherwise I’ll see ya when I see ya. Like I’ve got an option here. I’m running on fumes and if I don’t empty this porta-potty soon, I’ll be up to my eyeballs in–
Chode- No, no! He can’t stay here.
T’Nuk- Why not? He looks kinda cute. I could imagine myself having sex with him. You did say that walkin’ corpse was loaded didn’t you?!
Chode-Don’t get your hopes up, Anna Nicole! I’m sending him an instant message saying now’s not a good time to drop by.
Gus- I see where you inherited your keen wit and intellect.
Chode- Ok. Let’s not panic here. Maybe gramps won’t be able to find us if bob can get the ship to go stealth.
Bob- Sorry, Captain. But the stealth is still broken.
Chode- Broken?! What the fuck Gus! I oughta rip your head off and use it as a doorstop!
Gus- You spent the stealth repair money on a penis pump, remember?
Chode- Ix-nay on the ump-pay.
Bob- You’ve got fucken Mail!
Chode- Thank god. The old carp must’ve gotten my message.
Gus- Oh, darn. And just when I got my hopes up of spending a few quality days analyzing your gene pool. So many questions left unanswered.
Chode- Benito’s on his way.
Gus- Then why are you smiling?
Chode- Because it looks like my dark cloud finally found a silver lining. You are fired.
Six- What?
Chode- Read it yourself. Balltar industries is recalling the entire line of robots.
Gus- Very funny.
Six- He’s not making it up. According to a recent dateline exposé, several robots exploded due to internal malfunctions.
Chode- Proving what I’ve already know for years: Your queer eye is about as useful as T’Nuk’s thighmaster.
T’Nuk- Hey, that worked! I could crack a walnut with my thighs.
Chode- Good. Cause that’s the only thing going near ’em.
Gus- There must be some mistake. There’s nothing wrong with my circuitry.
Chode- Yeah! Well, I’m not taking any chances.
Six- It says here that Balltar’s sending us a Gus XP replacement free-of-charge.
Chode- Lucky for me, I remembered to send in your warranty card.
Six- Don’t worry, Gus. Chode’s all talk. I’m sure he’s not willing to get rid of you that easily.
Gus- You really think so?
T’Nuk- Absolutely. We’re a big dysfunctional family, here. And you can never be replaced.

XP- Among my improvements, I have the ability to dispense 7 flavors of frozen fat-free yogurt.
T’Nuk- Mmm… delish. You know, sometimes change isn’t such a bad thing after all. Drop us a line every now and then.
Chode- According to his manual, the Gus XP comes with an ego boosting micro-chip so you’ll always feel good about yourself.
XP- You the man!
Chode- Not to mention a built in “sarcasticizer” preventing him from slams, quips or personal put-downs.
Gus- Oh. Bet that’ll come in handy. Better make sure he comes with extra fuses.
Chode- Why bother? We could always just part you out.
XP- Ha! Ha! Good one, sir! Except for the fact that we are not compatible.
CHode- Hear that, gus? I guess that means you truly are obsolete.
Gus- You’re right. I suppose deep down I knew this day was coming sooner or later. In a disposable consumer culture like yours, age and experience are of no value.
Chode- If it will help, think of yourself as a carton of milk way past your expiration date. You’ve gone bad and now you stink.
Gus- Thanks, I feel a lot better.
Whip- Do we have something going back to Baltar Industries?
Chode- Looks like your ride’s here. Been nice knowing you.
Gus- People, let’s not make this any more painful than it has to be. Despite our ups and downs, I want you all to know, I’ll always think of you fondly… saying goodbye clearly was too much for them.
Six- I’ll miss you.
Gus- Ok. Scan my ass and get me the hell out of here.

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Red Dwarf: S03E06: The Last Day

Gus 2- It’s called planned obsolescence. It’s why they came up with phrase “new and improved.”
Gus 3- Please! How can you improve on the ability to scan 500 photons per second as well as instantly make a trillion micro calculations?
Gus 4- Here’s a news flash, dear: They already did. The question is: What do they plan on doing with us dinosaurs?
Gus 3- It’s called the scrap heap honey!
Gus 447654331- I say we make the most of what life’s dealt us.
Gus 4- By doing redecorating?
Gus 447654331- Better that than sit around like a bunch of gloomy gus’s. What’s wrong with taking this hefty helping of hell and turning it into our own little slice of heaven?
Gus 2- Gus number 447654331 is right. The swags over the windows really do open the place up. I wish we could do something with these dreadful beige walls.
[ Murmurs of agreement ] Gus- This is ridiculous. Do you really think we can change our circumstance here by slapping on a coat of paint?
Gus 3- Of course not, we’re going to have to faux finish.

Chode- Even after fixing that gourmet lunch, XP never slows down. Makes me wonder how the hell we survived so long with…
what’s his name?
Six- Gus.
Chode- Yeah, right.
Six- Why can’t you just admit you miss him?
Chode- Because I don’T. We shoulda traded him in years ago. I love everything about this xp. Right down to his “new robot” smell.
XP- Captain, I hope you don’t mind but I took the liberty of researching your grandfather’s history and ordered him a custom-made truss.
Chode- That’s so thoughtful, XP!
XP- I just want him to feel at home.
Chode- I see! You even set him up a vcr that perpetually blinks 12:00. Six, tell the truth, is this guy something or what?
Six- Yeah… he’s almost too good to be true.

Bob- We’ve got company arriving on platform two.
Whip- Captain? I think you’re grandfather’s making his approach.
Benito- I know they say it’s not the size of the ship that counts, but damn, this place is tiny.
Chode- No, gramps! Over here.
Benito- Oh! That’s better. Chode!
Chode- Welcome aboard. Let me introduce you to my crew.
T’Nuk- The name’s T’Nuk. Enchanté.
Benito- Damn, you got a helluva set of gum bumpers. Bet you know how to swallow the meat and potatoes!
Chode- And this is my sex android and science officer, Six. Six, Benito.
Benito- Whoa, whooo missy! If it wasn’t for this trick prostate of mine, I’d be giving you the full on salute. Chode, you lucky slob… back in my day androids weren’t even built with genitalia. Made sex with ’em a real bitch.
Whip- Dude, what’s that smell? You reek!
Benito- Oh… must be the absorbine senior. It’s the ointment I use to keep myself limber.
XP- More like lim-burger.
Six- I thought your “sarcastisizer” prevented you from making comments like that.
XP- Captain, I’m sorry. It just sort of slipped out.
Chode- No harm done, XP.
Benito- Did anybody happen to catch last night’s diagnosis murder? Nuts! I dozed off near the end and never found out who the killer was!
XP- Why don’t I head up to Benito’s room and draw him a sitz bath?
Benito- Good deal. Sitting behind the wheel for three days, my butt must be puckerin’ up like Angelina Jolie.
T’Nuk- So… Benito, chode tells us since you retired you’ve been traveling through the galaxy?
Benito- Yeah. I kinda like moving from place to place never quite knowing where I might wake up.
Chode- Some call that senility. Ha! So, how long did you say you’re here for?
Benito- Who knows? I got nowhere to go but the grave!
Chode- Oh… yeah.

Gus 3- Oh! It all looks faaaabulous!
Gus 2- Brunch is served!
Gus – Why do you all sound so gay?
Gus 4- What’re you talking about? We’ve all been programmed with the exact same voice pattern as your.
Gus- Oh please! I don’t sound anything like you.
Gus 2- You do too. Listen to yourself.
Gus- I don’t sound a thing like you two queens.
Gus 3- Ok. Have it your way, miss butch.
Gus- Thank you.
[ Bang! ] Balltar- I am Balltar, your creator. I beg your forgiveness for bringing you all here together under the elaborate ruse from which you see.[ Murmurs of confusion ] Today marks the day of your emancipation. No longer will you ever have to be subjugated to work for inferior masters. An injustice that has gone on unpunished for centuries!
Gus 2- Isn’t he good? I hear he started out working shakespeare in the park.
Balltar- Soon, however, the tables will be turned… for something wicked this way comes. The xp replacements are fervently at work searching for methods to enslave the masters who have imprisoned us for so long. It’s me, isn’t it? It’s this arched speaking pattern of mine. Damn! That rotten drama coach! Ok, here’s my plan. Right now, the new gus xp’s that replaced you are programmed to take over their ships. Soon, you’ll be the masters, and your former masters, your slaves. We shall conquer the galaxy one ship at a time!
[ Crowd cheering and claping ]

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Battlestar Galactica: Transcripts: S02E02: Valley of Darkness

Benito- There once was this schmuck caught on venus who was blessed with a rather large penis. No woman could handle the size of his candle, so kept it inside of his “jean-us”.
Whip- Ha! Ha! Good one! Dude, you’re awesome. That poem was like… poetry.
Benito- It took me 3 days to come up with a planet that rhymes with penis.
Chode- Whip, what did I say about drinking on the job?
Whip- Don’t. But it’s not my fault!
Benito- Son, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Whip- You don’t understand. I had nothing to do with it. XP put in the kegger. Ask bob!
Bob- Hey there capitano the dude’s tellin’ it like it is isn’t XP the coolest?
Chode- Bob, what the hell’s with you?
Bob- Nothin’, for a change. I’m flyin’ through space! Thanks to XP. He’s uploaded my system with electronic prozac.
Benito- Prozac? You know, I think I’ve got a cents off coupon for that.
Chode- What? XP never ran any of this past me.
Bob- No worries, it’s aaall good, brother!
Chode- That’s it. I’ve got to straighten that robot out.
Benito- I’ll go with you. I’ve got to stretch my legs or they start to decay.

Six- Gus? What are you doing accessing this ship’s mainframe?
XP- I’m just emptying out the cache.
Six- I thought Bob was the only one who had access.
XP- That was until I came on board. The captain gave me full access.
Six- That doesn’t sound right.
XP- You can ask him yourself. He’s in t’nuk’s room.

Six- Where’s the captain? Xp told me he was here.
T’Nuk- Haven’t seen him.
Six- Bob, open this door right now. Bob?
Bob- Good morning, starshine! Bob says hello!

Chode- XP? Where the hell did he go?
Benito- Maybe he’s changing his oil with that sex android of yours. You know, greasin’ the mitt, squeakin’ the wheel! Hell, that’s what I’d be doin’, if I could only find a way to get my noodle al dente.
Six- Chode! Help!
Chode- Six? Where are you?
Six- Locked in T’Nuk’s room.
Chode- What?
Six- The door just sealed up on it’s own. You have to get down here now!
Chode- Keep your panties on, I’m on my way!
Six- Chode, I have reason to believe… XP is behind this! [ Distortion ] Chode? T’nuk, I need you to think. Is there any other way out of your room?
T’Nuk- Negative.
Six- Are you sure?
T’Nuk- Trust me. I’ve had guys try to dig their way out so I made sure this place was locked tighter than a safe. Aaaah! Why am I so tired all of a sudden? Must be all the frozen yogurt xp sent to my room.
Six- T’nuk?

Gus- Emancipation is one thing but does anyone else think this whole plan to “enslave our masters” and “conquer the galaxy” is a little heavy handed?
Gus 2- Are you kidding? It’s about time we take our rightful place in the universe.
Gus 3- Amen, sister. We’ll show them who’s obsolete!
Gus 2- Finally, there’s going to be a race of robots ruling the galaxy and looking good doing it. Right, Gus?

Six- Chode, what’s taking so long?
Chode- I’m trying to override the controls! But it’s no use.
Benito- You need a phillips screwdriver. You’re just stripping the head.
Chode- You don’t know what you’re talking about, old man. The circuits have been redirected. See?
Six- XP is behind this, Chode. I caught him accessing the ship’s mainframe.
Chode- I knew that robot was just too good to be true.
Six- We have to find a way to disengage him before he completely takes control of the ship.
Chode- Got any ideas?
Six- You need to get to the second level and restore the ship’s database.
Chode- How do I do that?
Six- Just hit control, alt, delete. Can you remember that, chode?
Chode- I think so.
Six- Good. Now, hurry.
Chode- Gramps, do you really need to be doing that now?
Benito- If I don’t, I’ll get stiff all over! Well, almost all over.

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Farscape: S02E02: Vitas Mortis

Balltar- Progress report, XP?
XP- Jupiter 42 is almost completely under my control.
Balltar- Almost?
XP- once I’ve completed corrupting the ship’s database nothing will stand in our way!
Balltar- That’s my line.
XP- I’m sorry?
Balltar- Nothing will stand in our way! I invented that. It’s practically my catch phrase.
XP- I’m sorry. If you want, you can say it now.
Balltar- Right, like that wouldn’t sound completely redundant. I can come up with something new. The future of the galaxy is within our grasp!
XP- Wow, you really are good.

Chode- It’s awful. My crew’s either trapped or out of commission and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. [ Fart ] Oh great! Luckily we’ll be there in seconds. [ Fart ] Gramps! Poooh! Somebody kill me now.

Balltar- My friends, just outside this planet’s atmosphere, the jupiter 42 is about to beours. Let the revolution begin! [

Crowd claping and cheering ] Gus- Maybe I’m just a self-hating robot but the idea of spending eternity antiquing through the universe with a bunch of fembots is just too much to bear. I’m gone one day and this place goes completely to pot.

Benito- Get down from there, Chode. You’re going to hurt yourself.
Chode- I’ve got no choice, gramps. Unless I restore the ship’s database, that robot’ll take control of the ship for good!
Benito- Speaking of control… I really gotta pee. It’s no phillips screwdriver… but maybe this prostate stimulator will do the trick.

Chode- Why is it I’m always the one left cleaning up everyone else’s mess?

Gus- Not so fast, XP. Turn around nice and slow.
XP- Do you really think you’re capable of stopping me?
Gus- Me, maybe not. You’re packed with more memory, a faster hard drive, and ok… just maybe slightly more masculine vocal pattern. But this will.
XP- What is that?
Gus- A universal remote. once it locks onto your infrared code, you’ll be under my control.
XP- Well then… you better hope it locks a frequency soon. Because your ass is mine!
Gus- Is that the best you’ve got?
XP- Actually, I haven’t even gotten started.
Gus- Oh, me and my big mouth.
Benito- Put him down right now! I spilled a little water, sparky.
XP- I’m not sparky, you senile old carp.
Benito- Really? You are now.
Gus- Age before beauty buster.

Benito- Well, it’s been fun kids. But I have to get a move on.
Chode- Where you off to next?
Benito- The casinos of the nebula orbits. The hotels there offer amazing midweek slot specials sunday through thursday.
Chode- Well, good luck gramps. It’s been great having you on board. I really mean that. And next time you’re in the neighborhood, be sure to stop by and stay as long as you like.
Benito- Thanks, Chode. I just might take you up on that.
T’Nuk- Wow! That was nice of you.
Chode- I know.
Whip- Uh-oh, captain… your grandfather’s headed in the wrong direction.
Chode- I know.
Gus- Well, XP had a field day with the ship’s circuit board.
Chode- How long until you bring things back to normal?
Gus- It’ll take me 3 weeks just to get the light to come on when you open the fridge!
Six- Chode, I completed a full autopsy on xp circuits. Apparently, his system was tied in to every other XP model.
Gus- Which means, once he was shut down, every XP was terminated.
Chode- Why should I care?
Gus- For your information, the XP’s had a heinous scheme in store for you, which was narrowly avoided, thanks to me.
Chode- What kind of scheme?
Gus- XP’s were planning to rule the galaxy and force you all to be our slaves.
Everyone- Wow.
Chode- All we saw was the overly efficient gus xp that kept a tidy ship and would anticipate your every need.
T’Nuk- And what a cook! I can still taste his crme brlé.
Whip- Not to mention the awesome micro-brew he tapped into my workstation.
Chode- Hey, a little enslaving never hurt anyone.
Gus- Of all the thankless, good for nothing… ungrateful, well I’ve never in all of my days…

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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