Tripping the Rift: Transcripts: S01E11: Emasculating Chode

Bob’s Opening Line- Time to have a cow, Chode!

Soankey-  Whip’s a jolly good fellow though his big giant feet smell-o
T’Nuk-  you look like a monkey and ya smell like one too
Spankey- hey! Unh!
Whip- [ Inhales ] [ Blows ] Chode- Sorry I’m late, but the lines at Sex Toys “r” Us were around the block!
Whip- What’d you get me? What’d you get me, Uncle Chode?
Chode- That isn’t for you, kid. Just some pizza-flavored edible undies for my lady here. Heh heh! Your old uncle likes a midnight snack! Don’t worry, kid, I didn’t forget about you. Next door was a hobby shop, and I got you… ta-dah! A paint-by-numbers portrait of the teletubbies!
Whip- It says it’s for ages 3 to 7! I’m 16! Thanks a lot, uncle chode.
Chode- What? It says “hours of fun”!
Six- I think he’d like to think of himself as a man now.
Chode- A man? Nah, bein’ a man takes years of fightin’ and screwin’ and drinkin’ and whorin’, and fightin’ a little more and then a lot more drinkin’ and then more whorin’, if there’s time.
Gus- That’s it? That’s your definition of being a man?
Chode- Did I leave something out?
Bob- Excuse me, you forgot to mention that a real man never asks for directions even if he’s lost.
Chode- Oh yeah, that too.
Bob- Take me, I’ve been lost for 4 days and haven’t said a word.
Chode- You da man! Heh! We’re lost?
Six- By my calculations, we’re now deep in dark clown territory. And you know how much darph bobo hates you.
Chode- So what? He doesn’t scare me! I’d like to see that circus freak try somethin’! I’d show him who’s boss!

Bob- You’ve got fucking Mail!
Bobo- Tired of your family treating you like a little kid?
Whip- Uh-huh!
Bobo- Itching to do something to show them you’re not a child anymore?
Whip- Uh-huh!
Bobo- Then click here! Congratulations! You’ve just won a free pass to teentopia!
Whip- Sweet!
Bobo- A place where teens rule! And since there’s no curfew in teentopia, you can stay out all night, make it with adult hotties, or just smoke cigarettes till you puke!
Whip- Cool!
Bobo- All you have to do to collect your free pass is place your hand on the screen now!
Whip- Ahh!
Bobo- [ Evil laugh ]

Six- I’ve been looking all over the ship and I can’t find whip anywhere.
T’Nuk- Does that mean his piece of birthday cake is up for grabs?
Chode- No, miss piggy, it does not.
Chode- Did you check the masturbatorium?
Six- Mmm…
Chode- hmm… then where could he be?
[ Beeping ] [ Whip squealing ] Chode- Ah!
Bobo- Hello, Chode!
Chode- Darph bobo.
Bobo- Unless you want to see your nephew’s life “melt away” I’d beam down to this spot immediately!
Chode- I guess there’s only one thing to do!
T’Nuk- Pack whip’s bags and send them to him?
Chode- ‘Course not! It’s not like it’s you hangin’ over that boiling vat. It’s Whip! I’m goin’ in!
T’Nuk- What about Darph’s trap?
Chode- Relax! I’m gonna have bob adjust the coordinates so I’ll land behind him, and then it’ll be: “Bye-bye, Bobo!”

Bobo- So as soon as he beams on this spot, I’ll pull this rope, which will trigger the catapult, launching chode into the vat, where the melties will..
Troopers- Ah! Ah! Ah!
Chode- Hang in there, Whip! I’ll save ya!
Bobo- If I were you, I’d be more concerned about saving yourself.
Chode- You can talk smack all you want, you tuft-haired ball-juggler, but this is where your clown car stops.
Bobo- Bring it.
Chode- Where’d you learn that sansui move?
Bobo- The learning annex.
Chode- Whoa-ho!
Bobo- You may have an answer to my sansui move, but it won’t help save your nephew!
WHip- Help!
Chode- Ah! No!
Bobo- Well, look-ee here! Did somebody lose their precious tentacle? Oh, that’s right! You did!
Chode- [ Panting ] Give it back!
Bobo- [ Laughing ] I just wish you could see how ridiculous you look now!
Chode- Wahhh! I’ll kill you for this.
Bobo- If I died, it’d be from laughing! I’m adding this baby to my collection. And as for your nephew, I could use the slave labor. Nothin’ looks worse than a clown pushin’ a lawnmower! See ya around, stubby!

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Host- We’re back! Today’s show: “Men who have lost their tentacles “and the women who pretend it doesn’t matter.” Kathy, you were saying something before we went to break.
Kathy- Well, at first I was as upset as he was. I mean, he used to have a tiger in his tank, you know? [ Audience laughing ] But now, well, that’s just a fond memory.
Host- Is there an upside?
Kathy- Well, I’ll tell you, he’s great around the house. No more sports on the tv! Instead, it’s cooking, dusting and shoe-shopping. Oh, and he’s so open with his feelings now. It’s just like havin’ a best girlfriend. We just gab, gab, gab, gab, gab, gab, gab, you know, about nothin’ for hours!
Host- It sounds like it’s all quality time now. Good for both of you!

Chode- Groan. Who is it?
Six- It’s me. Can I come in?
Chode- No! No, I’m–I’m naked!
Six- You’re always naked!
Chode- Uh… just let me… what is it?
Six- I just wanted to see if you were hungry. I could bring you a salad or something.
Chode- A salad? Why? Because girls eat salads? Why didn’t you ask me if I wanted something more manly, like a steak?
Six- Ok, baby, whatever you want. I’ll bring you a nice, rare steak.
Chode- With all that blood and everything? I mean, I’m not really hungry.
Six- Oh!

[ All talking ] T’Nuk- If everyone would just shut up!
Six- one at a time!
Gus- I can’t switch the computer out of porn mode without chode’s access codes, so none of the bills are being paid. He refuses to return any of my emails, and if I may speak candidly, I think he lost more than just one of his tentacles.
T’Nuk- Well, I’m gonna try to say what I have to say without being unkind. Chode’s become a useless 3-tentacled freak!
Six- T’nuk! I can’t believe you just said that.
T’Nuk- You’re right, I shouldn’t sugar-coat it.
Six- Can’t you be more positive?
T’Nuk- I’m positive he’s a useless 3-tentacled freak?
Gus- More importantly, somebody needs to make decisions, and since I’m chief engineer…
T’Nuk- oh no! Not so fast, tinkerbell! As part owner of this ship, which none of you are, I have certain rights. If Chode is taking a little hiatus, then captain t’nuk is gonna run the show, understand?
Gus- Uh-huh!
T’Nuk- There’s gonna be some big changes ’round here, so you better get used to it!

Whip- Excuse me, uh, when do we eat around here?
Bobo- We eat all the time.
Whip- No, I meant me! When do I eat?
Bobo- When you’re finished your work, silly boy. I’m not a monster, you know?
Whip- Good! I just finished scrubbing every inch of this floor. The work’s done.
Bobo- Not that work! This work!
Whip- But… but…
Bobo- Silence! Nobody questions me! I’m the one that runs things around here, and what I say goes! I am the absolute lord of this domain!
Bernice- Darph!
Bobo- What is it, Bernice?
Bernice- Come up here this instant and pick up your dirty underwear off the bedroom floor before I throw ’em into the street and you with ’em!
Bobo- Coming, dear! Bitch!
Bernice- What did you just say?
Bobo- I said bitch! There, was that loud enough for ya?
Bernice- Ah!
Bobo- Always remember, kid, honesty is the key to a good relationship. Now get back to work!
Whip- [ Whimpering ]

T’Nuk- Captain T’Nuk’s log. Star date, the first day of the rest of my life. I’m lovin’ this! I was born to run a ship! Sure, the crew resents me right now, but they’ll grow to love me, and see me for the kind, patient and noble captain that I truly am.
Gus- Ahem!
T’Nuk- What is it, dirt bag?
Gus- Your lunch, captain. Filet of dover sole with a light béarnaise sauce, exactly as you requested.
T’Nuk- Where are the capers?
Gus- Um, um, I thought they clashed with the béarnaise.
T’Nuk- How dare you undermine my authority!
Gus- Ooh! I’ll gladly make you another… captain bly. I can’t take much more of this. She must be stopped!
Six- I agree! The captain’s gotta snap out of it. We should be looking for whip!
Gus- Well, why don’t you put that french maid’s uniform to good use, and make him feel like a man again, hmm?
Six- You read my mind.

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Chode- That’s what I need! A hot little convertible hovercraft to show the babes I still got it! [ Door opening ] Six?
Six- The maid always has a key. I thought you might have a knob that needs polishing.
Chode- You mean, you’re not repulsed by me?
Six- Baby, are you kidding? You’re still 100% man to me! Nothing about you could ever turn me off! Ahhh!It doesn’t matter.
Chode- Go away!
Six- Chode, Whip needs you, the ship needs you, we all need you! It’s time to put an end to all this self-pity!
Chode- Grrr… go! Get out! Leave me alone! [ Sighs ] She’s right. It’s time to put an end to all this. Goodbye, Jupiter 42.

Bob- You’ve got fucking mail
Whip- Uncle Chode, are you there?  I’m on Darph Bobo’s home computer. If he catches me, he’ll kill me! Please come get me, Uncle Chode. Darph bobo says you’re too chicken to ever show your face again. But I don’t believe him. You’d never leave me here to rot, not you!
Chode- What am I gonna do? The kid’s depending on me. Ah! Freak or no freak, I’m not givin’ in to that grease-painted balloon blower. That clown is goin’ down!

T’Nuk- Bob, set a course for revlonius 5.I need some mascara.
Bob- Shouldn’t we look for whip?
T’Nuk- You just can’t stand the idea of a woman being captain, can you?
Bob- No, I just can’t stand the idea of you being captain!
[ Bob hiccups ] T’Nuk- Are you drunk?
Bob- Not drunk enough! I can still hear your voice.
T’Nuk- That’s it! You’re so fired!
Chode- Bob, you just got your job back.
Six- Captain!
Gus- Oh, I never thought I’d be so glad to see your face.
Chode- Grrr!
T’Nuk- Uh, m-m-me too! Yeah, huh! J-just keepin’ it warm for ya.
Chode- Bob, trace the coordinates of the email I just got from whip and set a course for it.
Bob- Aye aye, sir!
Chode- And, Bob, after that put up a pot of black coffee.

Whip- [ Panting ] Uh! Oh!
Bernice- My husband won’t be back for hours. Would you unzip me?
Whip- Uh, sure. I guess it’d be all right.
Bernice- When you’re through with that, there’s some more trash over here.
Whip- You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that, Mrs. Bobo.
Bernice- I wasn’t! I meant there was another trash basket over here! But now that you mention it, mmm, wanna clown around?
Whip- Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Bobo?
Bernice- Do you wanna be seduced, Benjamin?
Whip- Uh, my name’s Whip.
Bernice- But you look like a Benjamin.
Whip- Uh, lady, I’m just a kid! You must be at least 40 years older than me!
Bernice- 40 years older than you?
Whip- 39 years older than me?
Bernice- That’s better! You’re a sweet talker when ya wanna be. I’m all yours!
Bobo- Bernice?
Bernice- My husband! Get outta here, ya little pervert! I’m a married woman!

Gus- Um, captain, this arrived for you earlier today.
Chode- The tentacle club for men? Oh! Yeah, I ordered this in my darkest hour. Besides it was only $9.99. You can’t go wrong at that price.
Gus- Wanna bet?
Chode- Ah, what the hell! I already spent the money. Let’s see what we got.

Rick- Hi! I’m Rick Dan. You probably remember me from extreme: Volcano. After one of my tentacles burned off in the lava immunity challenge, boy, was I depressed! once I got airlifted home, I tried to cover myunsightly blemish with hats, hats and more hats, but none of them made me feel like a complete man again. Women stayed away from me and I felt like a real failure. Then I joined tentacle club for men, and my life changed. Now I play sports, have sex with multiple partners, even swim, thanks to the kit that you have in your hand. And by the way, I’m not just a client anymore, I’m the president of the tentacle club for men.

Chode- Well, what do you think?
Six- Huh?
Gus- Uh…
Six- I can’t even tell which one is fake.
Gus- Me neither.
Chode- You’re not just sayin’ that?
Both- Oh no! Absolutely not!
Chode- Good! Then I’m gonna wear it when I meet up with darph bobo. I’d like to see the look on his face when he sees me like this.
Gus- Yeah, he won’t believe his eyes.

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Gus- This is a terrible idea! They’ll spot us as fakes in a second…
Clown- Hello! You must be here for the orgy!
Gus- Beg pardon?
Chode- That’s exactly why we’re here! Bring on the clown coochie!
Clown- Well, it’s right this way.
[ Whimpering ] Clown 2- Oh yeah! Oh! Oh yeah! Oh!
Female Clown- Oh!
Clown 3- Hey, come back!
Gus- This place is freakin’ me out! It’s Kubrick meets Fellini meets Ringling Brothers!
Chode- Look! There it is! It’s m…
Gus- Now, I think the most important thing here is not to attract any attention. Chode? Chode?
Bobo- And this is Cher’s head. When she announced another comeback after the last “farewell” tour, what choice did my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather have? But wait till you see my newest piece! Huh? Excuse me, but
you look familiar!
Chode- Uh, yeah, we’ve never met before! He’s Sissy the Clown and I’m Horny… the Clown.
Bobo- That’s not the secret clown handshake.
Chode- Um, the clown guild voted to change it. You must have missed that meeting.
Bobo- Really! Well, I can’t make every meeting. I mean, you should see my day planner! It’s unreal! Wait a minute! There is no clown guild! [ Gasping ] Hello, chode! Are you wearing a rug?
Chode- I most certainly am not! Ah-ah-ah…

Chode- dear god, no! Achoo!
[ All laughing ] Bobo- The sideshow-freak orgy is next door!
[ Laughing ] Whip- Uncle chode, I knew you’d come!
Bobo- That doesn’t mean you’re going anywhere! Your uncle’s just here to play a little game I like to call “pin the tentacle
on the gimp”!
[ All laughing ] Whip- Uh…
Chode- Ah… grrr… that’s what you think, you turd-munchin’ clownbag!
All- Ooooh!
Bobo- You realize you’re not leaving here alive, don’t you?
Chode- Maybe… maybe not! But I know one thing, I’m not afraid of some fat-assed drag queen with lopsided hair!
Bobo- Aahhhh! My hair! My beautiful hair!
[ All laughing ] Bobo- You’ll pay for that, you purple prick! Ohhh!
Chode- Pay? There’s no charge for this haircut.
Bobo- Aahhhh!
Chode- Ha ha! Now who’s the sideshow freak?
[ All laughing ] Bobo- [ sobbing ] Chode- Bob, lock on this signal and beam us up now!

Chode- You know, Whip. That crappy paint thing was way off. I guess I didn’t realize how grownup you are, and how much bein’ treated like a man meant to you. So for your 16th birthday I got ya… 14 cases of cigarettes, 10 cases of booze and a gift certificate for two weeks at the ride ’em cowboy bimbo ranch!
Whip- Wow! [ Gasps ]

Bernice- Do you wanna be seduced? I’m all yours!

Whip- Ahh! Eeeh… you know what? I don’t think I’m ready for all that just yet. I think I’ll give bein’ a teenager a little more time.
Chode- What? He didn’t get that from my side of the family. Uh, yeah, you’re right, kid. Whores, booze and cigarettes aren’t what they’re cracked up to be… heh, unless you have to go a day without ’em! Bob, let ‘er rip!

Bernice- Darph, are you ever coming to bed?
Bobo- Coming, dear!
Bernice- Why do you have cotton candy sticking out from both sides of your head?
Bobo- It’s not cotton candy! It’s the clown hair club for men. You’re not supposed to be able to tell the difference!
Bernice- Yeah? Well, you know what? I just got the worst headache! You can sleep in the guest room tonight, pinky!
Bobo- Damn you, Chode! You’ll pay for this!

This Transcript was taken by Ryan Bechtel.

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