Jokers: People Jokes: Blonde Jokes

TWO BLONDES

Two blondes were working o­n a house.

The o­ne who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other
blonde, figuring this was worth looking into asked, “Why are you throwing those
nails away?”

The first blonde explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s
pointed TOWARD me I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed
toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!”

The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, “You MORON!!!
The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the OTHER
side of the house!!”

Submitted by Annette.

What is the common link between a pregnant goldfish and a Blonde?
They are both called a twit!

Submitted by Dennis (Doc) M. Brock

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat o­n the plane?
A1: She’d just dyed her hair.
A2: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they’re o­n their back.

Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of ’em in a car and their fucked.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out o­n the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s writing o­n the white-out.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You o­nly have to punch information into a computer o­nce.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down o­n you.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar o­n the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can’t find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick o­n your cucumbers.

Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A:
69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF o­n their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF o­n their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde o­n either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light o­n after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: “Thanks, Guys!”
A2: “Are you boys all in the same band?”
A3: Do you guys all play for the ?
A4: Who were all those guys?

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you o­n the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the o­ne with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other o­ne ?”

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don’t know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: o­ne. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. o­ne to hold the Diet Pepsi, and o­ne to call, “Daaady!”

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They’re doing research o­n black holes.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it’s mine?

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was o­n the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can o­nly get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can’t fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They’re both round and have three holes to poke.
A4: You don’t eat your bowling ball

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down o­n “The Titanic”.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York o­nly ‘had’ 10000 men.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit o­n a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar o­n her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All…

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don’t tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. o­ne to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three…one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two…one to make batter and o­ne to peel the M&Ms.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What’s the blonde’s cheer?
A: ” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don’t have to marry them for sex!

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is o­nly so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde o­nly change her baby’s diapers every month?
A: Because it says right o­n it “good for up to 20 pounds.”

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in o­nly 6 months?
A: Because o­n the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits!”

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ o­n both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why aren’t there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don’t get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don’t leave trails, like little snails.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the “11” in “9-1-1”.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she’d ever been picked up by “the fuzz”?
A: “No. But I’ve been swung around by the tits.”

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don’t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don’t moo.

Q: Why don’t blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What’s a blondes’ favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW’s?
A: Because they can’t spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh o­n Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke o­n Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they’re o­n the train they can tell if they’re going to work or coming home.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn’t fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

Q: Why wasn’t the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn’t have been old enough to bear children!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why did they call the blonde “twinkie”?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: “Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide and seek champ.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: o­ne’s a bunch a cunning runts.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: o­ne’s a busy ditch.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won’t follow you around after you use it.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, “Cock’ll-doodl-doooo”, while a blonde says, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?” The nympho says, “Are you done already?” The blonde says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: “Is it mine?”

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains o­n the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is o­n?
A: It’s o­n. It’s off. It’s o­n. It’s off. It’s o­n. It’s off.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What is happening when you hear varoom…screech, varoom…screech, varoom…screech…..?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code o­n her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print o­n her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the o­ne with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What is the blonde’s chronic speech impediment?
A: She can’t say “No”.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms o­n her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles o­n all the bosses’ faces.

Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde’s favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don’t know. R: Neither did she.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned o­n her.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT”. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself “oh well !” and turned around an drove home. o­n her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, “Awww, look at the dead birdie.” The blonde stops, looks up, and says, “Where?”

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she’d been driving the wrong way o­n a o­ne-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people were leaving.

A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. “Miss, may I see your driver’s licence please?” “Driver’s licence? What’s that?…” “It’s a little card with your picture o­n it.” “Oh, duh! Here it is…” “May I have your car insurance?” “What’s that?…” “It’s a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.” “Oh this? Duh! Here you go…” The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: “Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!”

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to “iron,” then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with o­ne guy.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. o­ne of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in o­n? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is o­n? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up? Blonde: No, it’s working fine. Operator: Then what’s the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was…

There were three people stranded o­n an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go o­n, so she drowned. The second o­ne, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it.” I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go o­n, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go o­n!” So she swam back.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, “Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I’ll sink?”

Two blondes were walking through the woods when o­ne looked down and said “Oh, look at the deer tracks.” The other blonde looks and says “Those arn’t deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.” “No. Those are deer tracks.” They keep arguing, and arguig, and o­ne half hour later they were both killed by a train.

The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: “No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can’t cook.”

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, “Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would’ve hit me right in the face!!!” Or: “Good thing that cows don’t fly.”

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.” “Oh, No!” she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy. “Who was God’s son?” said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said “Andy!” “That’s interesting… What made you say that?” said Saint Peter Then She started to sing “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia…

A blonde’s response to the comment, “THINK about it!”: “I don’t have to think — I’m blonde!”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7”

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun – they just don’t remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!” To this the other blonde replied “I know it, and if I knew how to swim I’d go out there and drown her.”

.. then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan “Billions Served – just today”

Q. How can you tell that a blonde’s having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can’t find her pencil.

Q: Why are o­nly 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt’n peckers.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It’s too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Q: Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don’t know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them o­n Monday.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: o­nly two men fit inside a broom closet at o­nce.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: o­nly o­ne person can use the phone at o­nce.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: “It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a o­ne-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: o­ne’s a phony buck.

Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: o­ne that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why don’t a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won’t stop until it gets blood.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer o­n.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.

Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell o­n her. 274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp o­n it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in o­ne piece.

Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why does a blonde insist o­n him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple o­n their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger o­n chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why don’t blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can’t remember the number.
A2: She can’t find the number 11 o­n the telephone buttons.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing o­n a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying o­n the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee’

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit o­n a blonde’s ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst o­n holiday.
Q2: What’s the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was o­n the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the “WAVE” at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They’re mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks o­n her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette — because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde’s life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.