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Alright porno! Now this is how you start off an episode right. Captain Gideon is watchin’ smut. And not just ordinary adult entertainment, but the kinky alien stuff. It turns out that Eilerson had to quickly give Gideon a report, and he used an old data crystal

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Crusade: S01E02: The Needs of Earth

Alright porno! Now this is how you start off an episode right. Captain Gideon is watchin’ smut. And not just ordinary adult entertainment, but the kinky alien stuff. It turns out that Eilerson had to quickly give Gideon a report, and he used an old data crystal. one with his own personal “art collection”. Gideon is watching the movies to gather ammunition against the cocky archeologist in the coming days. While he’s doing so Dr. Chambers enters to give him another report, but is quickly intrigued Eilerson’s collection of “Snow White and the Seven Narns” “Who’s your Pak-ma-ra” amongst others.

After watching a scene she comments, “As a doctor I’d have to say that’s totally unrealistic. The pak-ma-ra aren’t biologically equipped to interface with a humans in that kind of…”  She’s interrupted by a moan from the television. Both Chambers and Gideon turn their heads then he replies, “It’s an amazing thing technology” Onto more serious Crusade plotline, the rangers pay a little visit to the Excalibur. They bring the normal news, but then secretly tell Gideon of a man (Natchok Var) on the run from his own government (the Marati). Apparently Natchok stole all of his race’s most valuable knowledge and is willing to sell it to the highest bidder.

Of course his government set up a huge bounty and he’s awaiting extradition on some raggedy rock (Praxis 9). The ranger tells him that if Gideon chooses to get that knowledge, he does so with out Alliance or Earth permission. Gideon understands and sets course for that outpost. A few hours later he decides to brief the command staff about their mission. But before the meeting, Eilerson approaches the captain and asks if he had a chance to view the data crystal.  “Oh no, I’ve been busy why” Gideon lies. Yeah busy watching his interracial porn.

Eilerson then spouts out some crock about it being corrupt and he needs it back so as to not disrupt the computer Gideon reads it with. Gideon declines, and says they don’t have enough time, then briefs the staff on their next mission. As usual Eilerson is not too excited about their next mission, claiming its immoral. Although his real beef is that they don’t have a legal precedence to fall back on. Gideon gives a little chat about what is right and moral, while playing with the XXX data crystal. Eilerson knows he’s being hypocritical and backs down. Praxis 9 is officially a commercial colony. But in reality its four filthy domes protecting is unsavory inhabitants from the acidic atmosphere. If its dirty, ugly, immoral, or just plain wrong, you can find it here, on sale. Oh yeah, and its armed to the teeth.

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So the crew has to sneak in and out after taking Natchok. Dureena volunteers to go down with Gideon, as she’s been on this rock before. She explains that they must land a few miles a way, then hike to the domes to avoid detection. They’ll enter through a service portal, in which Dureena knows a few access codes.  The entry plan goes mostly according to plan. Mostly.

The Earth Force EVA Gloves are too thick, so she can’t enter in the access codes properly. She must remove her gloves to enter the codes, or find another entrance with a “fat-fingers” dial pad. Sooo, she takes of her gloves and almost gets herself killed in the process. By this point the curious viewer wonders how she knows so much about this outpost. Feh, I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Upon entry, the duo have to find their target. Since they are limited for time, Dureena tells Gideon to create a diversion. And whatta diversion he creates! He walks up to the largest ugliest guy in the place and punches him as hard as he can. Which to the ugly guy isn’t very hard. The alien then proceeds to beat the living (and dead) crap out of the captain. (Sorry folks no screenshot, I had a little problem while recording the episode)  While Gideon is having his ass handed to him, repeatedly; Dureena activates a thieves guild logo on the wall.

Thus helping her find an in with the Guild. After the alien is finished with Gideon, a thief shows the duo to where they can find Natchok. Natchok is heavily guarded, so they need another diversion. Gideon, pulls out Eilerson’s smut crystal and plays it on a nearby viewer, distracting the guards while they free Natchok. The prisoner is quickly freed, but Dureena spots some captive slaves. She takes it upon herself to free them, much to Gideon’s dismay. Her little vigilante move has blown their cover.  When they leave the colony, he asks her why she did that. She replies that she was once a slave in those cells, and she prayed someone would have rescued her, but it never happened. She had to find her own escape. Soon afterward the trio are picked up and taken to the Excalibur.

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They arrive onboard just as a heavy Marati battleship jumps out of hyperspace. Gideon orders a quick jump into hyperspace in the hope that their jump engines haven’t charged yet.  Gideon asks, “Any sign of pursuit?” Matheson “Negative, looks like we’ve gotten away… stand by” “Don’t say stand by when we’re one word away from good news” The Marati ship enters hyperspace in full pursuit. Gideon orders the ship full speed to outrace the battleship. But it doesn’t matter, they are soon overtaken by the enemy ship.

The Marati offer to send over a diplomatic team to settle the dispute. A pair of them arrive on the Excalibur. But only one talks. He is a translator who talks for the politician, since it would be beneath him and immoral to learn the tongue of another species.  Gideon, walks over gets in the ministers face and says, “Tell your boss he’s an ass” Instead he translates it into a great complement. Gideon asks if he does that often. The translator replies “All the time its politics… and self preservation”  He then explains that they want the traitor back and are willing to do anything to get back Natchok.

Gideon tries to play dumb at first, and shrugs off any threats. But the translator tells him that thy won’t fight fair. And with that,  four more battleships encircle the Excalibur. Gideon knows his time is limited. Its time to visit the Natchok and sees if he’s worth it. When he enters med bay,  Natchok is listening to Mozart. He comments about how brilliant the music is. He is astonished with human cultural and artistic achievements and decided that humanity is worthy of his race’s knowledge.

Good thing he didn’t listen to some of our more unsavory music. (I’ll leave examples out to save myself from any hate mail). After handing over all of his race’s knowledge he agrees to surrender himself to his government, and save the Excalibur from damage. He appears to be overeager to make sure that the knowledge survives. The prisoner exchange is quite boring. The minister and translator leave on one shuttle and say that the members of their race are too ashamed to be near the traitor so an automated shuttle will take him back to the ship. Matheson says his goodbyes to the diplomats, with a very “kiss my ass” look. Then, Natchok is up to leave. The two don’t say much, but Matheson does a casual scan on him. He finds out that Natchok knows his shuttle is to be destroyed.

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Obviously Matheson is disturbed by this. But because of the new teep rules, he can’t tell Gideon, without indicting himself. But Gideon will find out soon enough, as the shuttle is fired upon and explodes as soon as its clear of the Excalibur. So what was so important on those data crystals. Evidently the Marati went all fascist. They started by going Khymer Rouge on the people and killed off all the artisans, poets, musicians, and free thinkers.

They then pulled Third Reich, and torched all the books and records of artistic knowledge. They did this all in the name of science and progress. They nixed anything that did not support the goals of the state. Natchok collected all that he could of his race’s knowledge on art, literature and music in the hope of preserving it until a day that his people realized their mistake. He succeeded. Chambers, thinks that this find is a treasure trove of knowledge.

While its not a cure for the plague, it will provide moral support for those back home. Gideon on the other hand is not impressed at first. He doesn’t like that he risked everything on some dumb art. But after the next scene, an overdone siliquoy by Matheson, he changes his mind, and visits the doctor to sample some the cultural achievements of the Marati.

And no, none of it contained human-alien porn.

Discuss this episode in the Babylon 5 & Crusade Forum

This Crusade review is © 2004 Ryan Bechtel.
Not for reproduction without the authors express permission

The BABYLON 5 names, characters and everything else associated with the series are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, TNT and Warner Brothers, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company. All rights reserved.

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