Firefly: S01E03: Our Mrs. Raynolds

The show opens with a strange looking raft pulled by horses being attacked by a bunch of outlaws. They demand that all the cargo be handed over and that the leader be allowed some ‘one-on-one’ time with the lady in the dress.

Unfortunately for the outlaws, the lady was Captain Mal and her supposed husband was Jayne. Villagers on a frontier world (called Triumph) had suffered outlaws for some time and eventually mustered up enough funds to pay Captain Mal and his crew to capture them. This they did…. sort of. A fire-fight broke out and they were all killed.

The villagers were mighty grateful for timely demise of the outlaws and threw a large party to honour the Serenity and it’s crew. Mal was very grateful and the whole crew enjoyed the villager’s hospitality, particularly Jayne who had been given a large phallic looking rain stick. He was hugely impressed (probably because it was bigger than any of his guns).

Mal on the other hand, was courted by a lovely looking young village lady with a lovely smile and curves in all the right places. She gets his drinks for him and does a lovely dance. He was too drunk to do anything about it of course, but he sure had a big smile on his face.

Next morning, Wash reports that one of the outlaws was related to an Alliance official and that there is an Alliance patrol ship on its way. The crew pack up quickly and say their goodbyes. After the ship has taken off, Captain Mal notices the ample figure of the young lady hiding with the cargo.

“Who the hell are you?” Asks Mal
“What do you mean?” Replies the young lady.
“I think I was pretty clear. I mean, what are you doing on my boat?”
“But you know I’m to cleave to you.” {That sounds painful!}

What all this basically means is that Captain Mal has a new wife. It was a complete surprise to him of course, but the little dance and getting the drinks during the previous evenings festivities was not simple hospitality, but a marriage ritual. Mal had forgotten the golden rule – Never party with frontier folk – they’re bonkers!

When Zoe arrives, she thinks the whole situation is hilarious and calls all the other crewmembers. Jayne’s quite upset. “How come you got a wife? All I got was that dumb ass stick that sounds if it’s rainin’.” It’s clear that he think the young lady (Saffron) is very attractive. And hell, so do we! Spacey Spice is totally drop-dead-lovely.

Inara on the other hand is hugely unimpressed. We’d have felt al little sorry for her if it wasn’t for the ‘If looks could kill’ glare she was giving Mal.

Book tries to explain the situation by recounting the marriage ceremony of the Triumph settlers. This ludicrous ritual certainly happened and Mal must accept that, at least according to the lovely Saffron, he is now a married man. He refuses, and insists that they take her back. Unfortunately the Serenity is unable to return because of an Alliance patrol ship in the area.

Later, when Book mentions that the religious leader on Triumph can only divorce Mal, he also says that if Mal takes sexual advantage of her, he will burn in a special area of hell. “A level reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre.” (And old priests who give sermons when they’re not wanted)

“Preacher, you got a smutty mind!” Exclaims Mal indignantly (Yeah right! You can bet he was thinking that any girl with boobs the size of photon torpedoes could not be considered a child).

In the canteen, Mal is enjoying a meal cooked by the capable Saffron. Wash and Zoe join them and when Wash smells how good the cooking is, he politely asks if there is any more food. Saffron meekly points out that she only cooked enough for Mal but that everything is laid out if Zoe would like to cook for her husband.

The look that Wash gives Zoe was priceless. “Isn’t she quaint.” He says quickly, “Erm… I’m just not that hungry.” Clearly Amazon women aren’t good cooks. He stares longingly at Mal’s food.

Mal is beginning to feel uncomfortable and makes his excuses. As he leaves, Saffron asks sweetly, “If you’re done. Would you like me to wash your feet?” And at this point we all realised that the lovely Saffron was a baddie. May she burn in hell!

In the bonkmobile, Inara is desperately trying to take her mind off Mal’s predicament by fixing up as many appointments as possible (as you do). She is joined by Mal who tries to talk to her about what he should do. I think Inara is just upset by the whole incident. She doesn’t want to talk about it and attempts to make Mal feel as uncomfortable as possible. “Do you ever wash your clients feet?” Asks Mal. “It’s my specialty.” Replies Inara indignantly. I’m not sure if it was a nasty joke or if she was indicating that she was as evil as Saffron.

After leaving the disgruntled Inara to find herself more bonk-buddies, Mal runs into a menacing looking Jayne carrying a big gun. Jayne points out how extremely cool his gun is and the politely offers it to Mal in exchange for Saffron. Mal is clearly getting the better part of the deal since the gun (named Vera – a Callahan full blown auto-lock with a customised trigger and a double cartridge thorough gauge (?)) has many custom features and lets face it, it looks bloody good! But alas, Mal doesn’t want to trade. I almost expected Jayne to argue, “But I’ll clean her and polish her regularly.” But Mal would of course argue, “You only want to play with her trigger!”

Jayne can’t understand why Mal refuses. Mal explains that she is a human woman who doesn’t know a think about the world and needs their protection. “Go play with your rain stick.” Says Captain Mal.

Zoe has come to realise that Saffron is trouble. It could be because the Captains wife brought out Zoe’s own shortcomings (i.e. her cooking ability) or it could be that she was worried about the effect on the Captain of ‘babysitting a groupie’.

Meanwhile, Captain Mal retires to his quarters only to find a naked Saffron in his bed. She had warmed it for him (how considerate) and was now trying to desperately get him to cleave the hell outa her. At first Mal was able to resist, but alas, when she stands up in all her nakedness and points out that the Captain seems to be fairly excited to see her too (or is that just a plough in his pocket), we have to conclude that Captain Mal is a warm blooded human male who’s not had sex in a very, very long time. The Captain eventually succumbs. They kiss (no tongues), and Mal faints! (Wow, that’s some kiss!)

Leaving the unconscious Mal on the floor, Saffron goes to the bridge where she meets up with Wash. She attempts to sweet talk the pilot into kissing her too, but Wash is a happily married dude and refuses her advances. So she just kicks him in the head instead.

Then, she miraculously immobilises the bridge so that the ship is completely helpless and points it in the direction of a Net where two other baddies will capture it, kill the crew and sell it to someone else. Saffron does all this by simply pulling out three wires and connecting two obvious looking plugs together.

As she makes her escape, she runs into Inara. She attempts to play the Ambassador in the same ay she played Captain Malfunction. It seems to be working when the alarm goes off.

“I guess we’ve lied enough.” Says Inara.
“You’re good.” Replies Saffron. (Eh. They hadn’t done anything yet?)
“You’re amazing. Who are you?”
“Malcolm Raynolds widow.” Says Saffron with a smile.

The two fight briefly before Saffron runs off to the other shuttle. Inara on the other hand is very distraught. She believes that Mal is dead and runs off to be with him.

When she arrives in his quarters, she calls his name desperately and attempts to revive him with a big sloppy kiss (hey, it’d work for me!). She raises the alarm and calls for the Doctor. But she seems to feel queasy and tastes her lips exploratively. Then, recognising that she’s been drugged, she looks at Mal and says, “You stupid son of a ….”

Later as Mal is revived, the Doctor tells him that Saffron probably had the drug on her lips under a protective sealant. Inara is also awake but she certainly isn’t going to tell everyone that she was drugged from kissing Mal. She tells them all that she had tripped and fallen.

They all go up to the bridge where they discover that Saffron is a genius electrical engineer and that the little connector and wires she pulled out resulted in a sort of booby-trap. Mal becomes agitated and Kaylee retorts that it was his kissing session that got them into this mess in the first place.

“That’s why I never kiss them on the lips.” Says Jayne. I guess he just kisses them on the trigger.

As they all discuss what has happened, it turns out that Saffron is not only a very talented electronics engineer, but that she has also had Companion Academy training.

Somewhere nearby, two thugs on a Net notice that Saffron has been successful in capturing the Firefly and that the ship is only minutes away. They fire up the nets ready. A net is a sort of space scrap-yard. It takes ships and pulls them apart either for parts or scrap metal. If used criminally, it will draw a ship through it’s electrically charged rings and electrocute anyone on-board. The Net criminals will then be able to dismantle or re-build the ship and sell it on.

Mal needs to think quickly and determines that they only have one way out if Kaylee can’t fix the ships navigation in time. He ushers Zoe to get the space suits prepared and asks Jayne to go and get Vera.

Mal’s plan is to shoot out the capacitors on the Net and render it harmless. To do this he gets Jayne to put a space suit helmet over Vera (so that the bullets have oxygen to ignite the gunpowder) and they open the airlock so that he has a clear shot.

Jayne first shoots at the window of the control bay on the Net where the two unwholesome scrap-metal merchants are toasted. Then, shooting from the hip and gently caressing Vera’s trigger, he successfully shoots out a couple of capacitors and the Serenity gracefully flies through without harm.

But the euphoria is short lived. Mal resolves to go and pay a visit to his wife. He manages to trace the shuttle to a small cabin on some snow swept frontier planet. He bursts through the door brandishing his six-shooter and says quietly, “Honey, I’m home.”

Saffron isn’t pleased to see him and attempts to beat him up. But Mal is ready for her and pins her down on the floor. She tells him that she enjoys here job and the elaborate plan she employs is half the fun of the chase. Mal asks her name, she pauses unsure of what to say, before Mal punches her lights out. She wouldn’t have told him the truth anyway. He takes back the shuttle and flies off.

Back on the Serenity, Mal goes to see Inara and complements her on her gracefulness. Then he confronts her. “Come on, tell me the truth. You didn’t just trip did you?”
“No.” Says Inara nervously.
“Well, isn’t that something. I knew you let her kiss you.” He ads with a knowing smile.

Then he leaves the poor Inara with a shocked expression on her face. The poor girl was prepared to express here feelings for the dude and hope that the two of them could expand their relationship. Unfortunately Mal was either too stupid to realise, or simply couldn’t comprehend that Inara cared for him. Captain Malfunction maybe a git, but he’s assuredly a total SadGeezer.

And there the show ended. The dialogue is this episode was extra special. The high points were the lines from Saffron when she attempted to seduce Mal and Wash. But alas the story was poorly directed and so much more could have been done to make it more believable. It was as if Joss Whedon concentrated too much on his lines and not enough on the delivery and little things that make a sci fi show more interesting. Overall I was disappointed which was strange; Joss Whedon had said that this was his best script to date! I didn’t think so; the first episode, Serenity and many episodes of Buffy and Angel were better.

I’d rate this a droll 23,885 out of 10. What did you think?

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