Jokers: Jokes About Things: Intelligence/Wordy Humour

Intelligence/Wordy Humour

Intelligence Test

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex with sharon stone, or Pierce Brosnan. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

 

CLUES

1.I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I’m not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.

2.I’m spread before I’m eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.

3.I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I’m called a big swinger.

4.Over 1,000 people went down o­n me.
I wasn’t maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.

5.You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.

6.When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.

7.A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you’re bored.
The best man always has me first.

8.All day long, it’s in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down o­n me.

9.I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.

10.If I miss, I hit your bush.
It’s my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it’s news.

11.I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.

12.I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.

13.My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.

14.I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I’m better in your hand than in your bush.

ANSWERS

1.Nose   2.Peanut Butter   3.Crane   4.Titanic    5.Tent   6.Dentist 
7.Wedding Ring   8.Elevator   9.Chewing Gum   10.Newspaper Boy
11.Glove   12.Arrow   13.Attorney   14.Bird.

 

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A few Oxymorons

Act naturally

British fashion

Passive aggression

Found missing

Living dead

Taped live

Resident alien

Small crowd

Clearly misunderstood

Advanced BASIC

Business ethics

Peace Force

Genuine imitation

Soft rock

Toronto Life

Safe sex

Microsoft Works

Temporary tax increase

Airline food

Military intelligence

Plastic glasses

Good grief

Software documentation

Terribly pleased

Same difference

California culture

Computer security

Almost exactly

New classic

Political science

Government organization

Sweet sorrow

Tight slacks

Exact estimate

Childproof

Pretty ugly

Alone together

“Now, then …”

Diet ice cream

Legally drunk

Synthetic natural gas

Rap music

Silent scream

Christian Scientists

Working vacation

submitted by Jamie Fawls

       A Poem

Now there’s a little poem.  Let your imagination flow
It’s about a girl and guy and this is how it goes

She whispered “Will it hurt me?”. “Of course not”, answered he.
“It’s a simple process. You can rely o­n me”.
She said “I’m very frightened. I’ve not had this before.
My friend had this 5 times And she said it could be sore”.
Then finally they continued. “Lay back and relax a bit”.
Quickly and ready, he bent over her and then started it.
It was going rather painful. Tears formed in her eyes.
It was hurting quite a bit”.Now, it must have been the size.
“Calm yourself”, he whispered. His face was filled with grin.
“Try to open a bit wider So I can get in”.
“I’m comin now”, he whispered. “I know”, she cried with bliss.
Feeling it deep within her now, She said, “I’m glad I’m having this”.
And with a final effort, She gave a frightening shout.
He gripped it with anguish And quickly pulled it out.
She laid back quite relaxing, Sighed and gave a smile.
She said, “I’m glad I came now. You made it worth my while”.
Now if you read this carefully,  The dentist you will find.
It’s not what you imagined. It’s just your dirty little mind.

Author: Unknown
Submitted by Drew

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A Bit Slow

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether.
A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued o­n.
A prime candidate for natural deselection. •Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains; o­ne is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he o­nly gargled.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Was left o­n the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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